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  • #16
    I appreciate all the feedback.

    I tried not to get involved for the first few months of our relationship. But, at that time she was bullying him into babysitting every single night of the week at her home and he was too afraid to say 'no'. That is when I did some digging and discovered that he had never responded to any of her motions and was facing imprisonment by FRO for not paying support. He couldn't afford the income imputed so simply didn't pay. My partner is very anti-establishment and really did not want to participate in the court process. he thought that by giving into his ex's demands, she would eventually withdraw motions. Well it didn't work that way and she became more of a monster than ever before.

    These two were never married. He only knew her a few months before she got knocked up. He wanted the kid, she didn't. He made her lots of promises to support her financially if she had the kid, but was unable to follow through.

    I am not sure if she knows who is writing the emails. We can tell when she writes her emails or when her boyfriend writes them for her.

    I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

    I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
      I appreciate all the feedback.

      I tried not to get involved for the first few months of our relationship. But, at that time she was bullying him into babysitting every single night of the week at her home and he was too afraid to say 'no'. That is when I did some digging and discovered that he had never responded to any of her motions and was facing imprisonment by FRO for not paying support. He couldn't afford the income imputed so simply didn't pay. My partner is very anti-establishment and really did not want to participate in the court process. he thought that by giving into his ex's demands, she would eventually withdraw motions. Well it didn't work that way and she became more of a monster than ever before.

      These two were never married. He only knew her a few months before she got knocked up. He wanted the kid, she didn't. He made her lots of promises to support her financially if she had the kid, but was unable to follow through.

      I am not sure if she knows who is writing the emails. We can tell when she writes her emails or when her boyfriend writes them for her.

      I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

      I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.
      Don't take this personally but: Perhaps it is time to ask yourself, do you need or want to be in this relationship?

      Just based on info provided in your post(s), you've been together 2 years, i'm assuming not married, and you're already stressed to such an extent and taking on debt for him. You have two young children of your own and your own challenges with their father. Your two young children need you to be in an emotionally and mentally strong and secure "place" to care for them and run the household. Why would you become so heavily invested in someone's else's wellbeing and legal entanglements - someone you've only known for 2 years - when you should be taking good care of YOURSELF and YOUR family FIRST?

      Your current partner does not seem too bothered with his current situation, yet to you it's a "battle" that needs to be "won".

      If it indeed is a "battle" of some kind (which it is not), then it is HIS battle, not yours. He is an adult. He has free will, he has choices and options. He needs to take responsibility and accountability for the choices he makes, how he wants his life to be, how he wants his relationship with his daughter to be.

      You need to step back and ask yourself some hard questions about this relationship that you're in with him. His challenges with his ex and his daughter should be the least of your concerns right now.

      Comment


      • #18
        Originally posted by Exquizique View Post
        Don't take this personally but: Perhaps it is time to ask yourself, do you need or want to be in this relationship?

        Just based on info provided in your post(s), you've been together 2 years, i'm assuming not married, and you're already stressed to such an extent and taking on debt for him. You have two young children of your own and your own challenges with their father. Your two young children need you to be in an emotionally and mentally strong and secure "place" to care for them and run the household. Why would you become so heavily invested in someone's else's wellbeing and legal entanglements - someone you've only known for 2 years - when you should be taking good care of YOURSELF and YOUR family FIRST?

        Your current partner does not seem too bothered with his current situation, yet to you it's a "battle" that needs to be "won".

        If it indeed is a "battle" of some kind (which it is not), then it is HIS battle, not yours. He is an adult. He has free will, he has choices and options. He needs to take responsibility and accountability for the choices he makes, how he wants his life to be, how he wants his relationship with his daughter to be.

        You need to step back and ask yourself some hard questions about this relationship that you're in with him. His challenges with his ex and his daughter should be the least of your concerns right now.
        I would have to agree.

        What's in it for you?

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        • #19

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          • #20
            Well I will echo the opinions of previous posters.

            Your very first priority is to ensure your children's needs are being met. Your own personal health is a priority as well. It sounds like you are not looking after yourself. You say you are in therapy and have been for some time yet you continue to make poor choices.

            I'd step back and disengage. Better yet, move out of there. You are probably better off to take the financial hit now before you get in any deeper. If you had any modicum of self-esteem you wouldn't be in this situation.

            You need to get some help. If you haven't driven away good friends with endless stories of your man's financial and legal problems, ask your friends if they can give you a hand. You might be surprised at how willing people are to help if you are leaving a toxic relationship.

            Your children deserve to be in a healthy and happy home. Your man's problems certainly are not your problems. Doing his dirty work isn't helping him. You are merely an enabler.

            Go to your nearest mental health center and see if you can get an appointment with a psychologist. Request referral to women's empowerment-type programs. Don't look back - keep moving forward.

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            • #21
              IMO you need to disengage and let your significant other deal with their ex. They aren't your ex, and you aren't party to the agreement.

              My sister gets all involved in her husbands issues with his ex, and I see how it creates problems. My wife NEVER gets involved with my ex. It isn't her fight, nor her cross to bare. While she supports me, she never sends emails or anything of the like. She never communicates with my ex, save and except at events for my D8. Those sorts of things are my job as I have final say.

              Your significant other needs to take a more involved role in this and you need to step back. Allowing yourself to get overly involved has obviously taken its toll. Let him deal with his ex. Support his decisions, give advice where you deem appropriate. But allow him to do his own emails.

              This is his ex and his child, not yours. You shouldn't be stressing yourself out when he isn't.

              Comment


              • #22
                I would reiterate some very good advice here.

                I was involevd with someone last year who inserted herself into the process because she thought I was being too nice and thought I was being taken advantage of. It caused a great deal of friction and was one of the factors in our breakup.

                In the end the same two people who were parties to the marriage have to be the ones who finish it.

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                • #23
                  Frustrated:

                  I share the same sentiments as the other posters and I'm sorry for your situation.

                  One other thing though...your new partner may be anti-establishment but how good of an excuse is that to give up custody of your kid to a control freak. She also imputed him at 85% more than he earns and he let that happen too?

                  Now you're picking up the pieces both legally and financially for him...along with engaging in the conflict with his ex which he seems too passive to bother with?

                  Forgive me for sounding harsh..but honestly, what kind of guy is this? I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a new partner. And my new partner just divorced from a long marriage and I can tell you, I would NEVER use him in this way and vice versa. My divorce is mine to deal with and his was his. We console each other...we vent to each other...and we offer each other suggestions and ideas...but otherwise, he does not engage my ex or get involved in legalities, etc. Its not his place and its not yours.

                  Your primary obligation is to your own children and ensuring their emotional and financial future and this guy needs to handle his own business out of respect to you. It sounds like he's using you and it sounds like you're very kind and you're helping him to your own disadvantage. He needs to be a man and deal with this.

                  I can tell you...there's a reason that women like this act this way. Its because he's trained her that she CAN. He sounds like a wimp that she's used to walking all over. And you getting involved is like pouring gasoline on a fire, in my opinion.

                  Disengage because you're getting to the point where you're getting addicted to the drama and noise and that is not healthy for you or your children or your relationship. And do yourself a favor and tell your new guy to grow a pair.

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                  • #24
                    Your partner needs to grow a set of balls. You cannot be his mommy and fight his battles for him.

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by FrustratedPartner View Post
                      I am heavily invested in this in more ways than one. I have been paying all legal fees (rather, lending him money from a line of credit) because he doesn't qualify for legal aid but has no money. I am a single mom of 2 young children and my ex doesn't always pay his child support so I am running deeply into debt, which adds a new layer of stress. I recently took several weeks sick leave from work to manage the stress because I lost 30 lbs over 2 months and my hair began to fall out. I would love nothing more than to run away from this all, disengage from it all, but I am scared that if I do not stay involved, he will lose the battle.

                      I know that this sounds insane. I am not sure how I got to this place, why I am here or what to do next. It is impossible to be in this relationship and not be involved. I wish there was an easy answer.
                      There IS an easy answer. Get out of the relationship. Honestly, from an outsider's perspective, what is it doing for you? His situation is draining your sanity and your bank account. You need to focus on yourself and your children, not this guy and his kid.

                      Stop the money train to him, let him sort out his own legal problems with his ex, and maybe once he's stable, see if a relationship with him works better once he has less baggage.

                      You are an adult, and so is he, and you both deserve a relationship of equals, not you telling him what to do and him expecting you to do all the work and pay all the costs, both emotional and monetary.

                      Again, this is an outsider's perspective, but you don't exactly paint him as a great catch. He has no money even though he didn't qualify for legal aid? He'd rather let his ex walk all over him than stand up for himself and his child? He's content to let you do all the work and reap the benefits of your increased stress? He doesn't believe in court and the 'establishment' even when he needs it working for him?

                      Or are you simply afraid to dump the guy already because of how much money you've spent down that drain already?
                      Last edited by Rioe; 08-19-2013, 09:31 PM.

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                      • #26
                        Escalation of Committment

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                          There IS an easy answer. Get out of the relationship. Honestly, from an outsider's perspective, what is it doing for you? His situation is draining your sanity and your bank account. You need to focus on yourself and your children, not this guy and his kid.

                          Stop the money train to him, let him sort out his own legal problems with his ex, and maybe once he's stable, see if a relationship with him works better once he has less baggage.

                          You are an adult, and so is he, and you both deserve a relationship of equals, not you telling him what to do and him expecting you to do all the work and pay all the costs, both emotional and monetary.

                          Again, this is an outsider's perspective, but you don't exactly paint him as a great catch. He has no money even though he didn't qualify for legal aid? He'd rather let his ex walk all over him than stand up for himself and his child? He's content to let you do all the work and reap the benefits of your increased stress? He doesn't believe in court and the 'establishment' even when he needs it working for him?

                          Or are you simply afraid to dump the guy already because of how much money you've spent down that drain already?

                          TOUCHÉ!

                          funny girl, rioe

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by Mess View Post
                            What happens to people often when they make a false allegation of abuse in a court proceeding. To avoid perjury or having their conduct determined as what it is and possibly having it impact the outcome of a court decision... The false allegations escalate and the person making them commits further in their false allegations - making more stories around their allegation... It is a vicious circle that quickly comes to an end when... the lies legs are too short to carry them any further...

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Mess View Post
                              Wow Mess...I think you nailed it.

                              But I cannot simply walk away now.

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                              • #30
                                But I cannot simply walk away now.
                                lol...just a reminder...you're on a divorce forum.

                                Probably not the most sympathetic audience in which to deliver that statement.

                                Comment

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