Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Refusing to support a child’s sport

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Refusing to support a child’s sport

    Hi everyone,

    Ex approached me in September about our son trying a new sport this year. Son is currently in house league hockey and has been for 6 years. He loves it and wants to continue for the foreseeable future. This new sport would be a house league one too, with many schedule conflicts (almost every weekend it conflicts with hockey and it is scheduled right during our daughter’s sport too). I told him I didn’t agree for various reasons (I have 3 kids all with Saturday/Sunday sports already, we are at our max budget for sports, kid is on an IEP and needs time in his weekend to work on school things, etc). As well, a very specific sports budget was agreed upon which covered the certain sports that have been status quo for years.

    Ex decides that he’s registering our son anyway and has stopped paying daycare now to recoup the fees he’s out because I refused to pay for this sport I don’t agree to.

    Although my son is interested in this new sport, he also does not want to play it during fall/winter because it will interfere with hockey. This weekend alone his dad is making him miss a practice, his team photos, a game and a fundraising/team building activity.
    My son and I took time together and researched spring leagues of this sport and found suitable ones. Ex won’t hear it and says he’s playing the new sport on his time and won’t support hockey anymore on his parenting time because I won’t agree to the new sport.
    My son is afraid to talk to him because he “gets in trouble” when he speaks up. I feel horrible for my child and don’t know what to do. He’s 12 but isn’t good at standing up for himself.
    I feel like the general consensus in advice on here will be - his parenting time, his choice. I’m just wondering if anyone has been in this boat and what can be done about it?
    The agreement doesn’t order either of us to do the sports but is specific about which sports are on the “mutually agreed upon” list.

    Advice please.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  • #2
    I am in a similar situation where my ex refuses to have the children in any activities on his time, which makes it difficult to find something they can participate in. I finally found swimming & basketball lessons that are during the week, but due to my work/school schedule I am unable to attend, so Grandma takes them. Its a huge bone of contention for me, because I feel the children would enjoy having a parent there to support them. It also makes for boring weekends during the winter months on my time, I would find it enjoyable to watch them succeed in a sport or lesson. I also feel it would be best to allow the children to choice an activities (S8 doesnt really like basketball, but its all I could find that didn't involve a weekend).

    Not what you want to hear, but his parenting time, his choice. The only solution would be is to continue to hockey on your time, if the team will allow him to only play every other weekend. There is going to come a time soon where your son will be old enough to decide what he wants to do with his own feet. Then it will be all your fault for alienating him

    I look forward to hearing if anyone else has a better solution too.

    Comment


    • #3
      Sorry you are going through this. This is indeed my fear that this will happen to my children. House league hockey for last three years. Dad has always taken kids on his weekend. Dad moved 45 mins away this past January and didn’t inform us. So far he still still takes them thankfully. The relationship is already rocky with our sons so if he stopped he would have some pretty upset little boys who will just resent him some more.
      And my kids are so afraid to speak up as well. I guess this is normal it seems with divorced families. Very sad.



      Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

      Comment


      • #4
        the problem with his time his choice, is it completely takes out the child's wishes. It is one thing to make all the decisions with a five year old, but at 12 a child should be able to decide which sport he wants to do.

        I feel for you in how to help children stand up to a bullying parent. My children are 12 and teenaged and they cant do that either. Even down to forced hugs. What teenager wants to hug their dad at school? or ever? I really struggle with how to empower my children to share what they want or what they think, and honestly I lived in that type of relationship for years with ex and my out was to divorce him. How can we expect children to come up with tools to deal with someone like that if we cant as adults.

        I find my teenager is voting with his feet more now, just refuses to participate. he was in a sport for many many years and when transistioned to the adult version of the sport, which ex was invovled in, ex ruined the expereince for him and refused to go back. As I was the driver to that sport and ex will never take any kid to any activity unless its during his parenting time, I told ex kid didnt want to go any more, gave other excuses and not the real reason. Ex was mad and yelled at kid for a bit and there it ended. i think he realized he cant really control those aspects of kids life anymore.

        i think in your case, you could try approaching dad with the child, to be there as a support and child telling dad doesnt want to do it until spring, or that likes hockey better than the other sport and doesnt want to miss hockey. i would do this when child is coming home with you and not just before stays with your ex. Hopefully he can reason that at 12 child should have some say in their sports.

        If that doesnt work or child isnt ready to do that, then what I would do is act the exact opposite of ex. I would support both sports on my time: if there is a conflict between hockey and new sport I would let the child pick which one he is going to go to that day,or if tournaments on same weekend, which tournament is going to go to. I would try to get child to the sports as best I can with running other kids around and if there is a conflict and I couldnt, I would ask dad to drive the child that time. If refuses, then child does not go. Let dad be the guy who never takes kid to the hockey he loves, or never lets him choose what he wants to do. Be the opposite of that person. all he is going to do is end up alienating child.

        Comment


        • #5
          It is his time his choice and he is only hurting your son which you can’t do anything about.

          What you can do something about is the refusal to pay his share of daycare. You agreed on the sports budget and he has chosen to not follow it. Onus is on him to cover the excess. If I were you I would be filing with FRO and filing the arrears he owes with them. That may be the only way to send him a message that you are not going to allow him to change an order he insisted on and make changes arbitrarily that impact the kids.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Ange71727 View Post
            Ex approached me in September about our son trying a new sport this year. I told him I didn’t agree for various reasons...

            ..Ex won’t hear it and says he’s playing the new sport on his time and won’t support hockey anymore on his parenting time because I won’t agree to the new sport.
            To summarize:
            Ex wants new sport, you refuse to do it on your time
            You want hockey, ex refuses to do it on his time.
            Ex will bring kid to new sport on his time
            You will bring your kid to hockey on your time

            I would like to point out that you guys are both acting in exactly the same way . I don't think either of you is wrong, as parents you get to choose what your kids do during your parenting time.

            You gave lots of reasons why you are correct, and ex disagrees. That is pretty much the end of the road... especially since you are doing the same thing to him.

            Ex decides that he’s registering our son anyway and has stopped paying daycare now to recoup the fees he’s out because I refused to pay for this sport I don’t agree to.
            That's funny. He obviously cannot do that. Send a nice polite letter saying that if he does not pay his share of the daycare by November 15th that you will take appropriate legal action. If he does not pay, then take appropriate legal action. That's pretty close to a 100% slam dunk win right there.

            It won't even get to court though, the first lawyer he talks to after you serve him will tell him that he is going to lose terribly. Then he will pay.


            My son is afraid to talk to him because he “gets in trouble” when he speaks up. I feel horrible for my child and don’t know what to do. He’s 12 but isn’t good at standing up for himself.
            Nothing you can do. If son will not argue for his hockey, then son will not get his hockey.

            I’m just wondering if anyone has been in this boat and what can be done about it?
            I've been in that sports boat, nothing can be done. I haven't been in the "not pay for daycare" boat, but that's because my ex, while evil, is not stupid.

            Also... side point: Why is a 12-year old in daycare?

            Comment


            • #7
              Janus I would agree with many of your points except that I think when a sport has been status quo for 6 years and ex has supported it all that time it’s pretty apparent that this is just a tantrum because I don’t want to add another sport into a crazy busy schedule. I am also not saying he should not do the other sport - I just want to delay it in the year to make things more manageable.
              Also, I have other children. The daycare is for the 12 year old’s younger sibling.



              Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Ange71727 View Post
                I am also not saying he should not do the other sport - I just want to delay it in the year to make things more manageable.
                Your specific complaints...

                This new sport would be a house league one too, with many schedule conflicts (almost every weekend it conflicts with hockey and it is scheduled right during our daughter’s sport too). I told him I didn’t agree for various reasons (I have 3 kids all with Saturday/Sunday sports already, we are at our max budget for sports, kid is on an IEP and needs time in his weekend to work on school things, etc). As well, a very specific sports budget was agreed upon which covered the certain sports that have been status quo for years.
                Doesn't sound like stuff that will be resolved after a year delay

                Anyhow, to reiterate, it does not matter how good your argument might be. House league hockey is not special. Ex has the right to bring kid or not bring kid.

                Also, I have other children. The daycare is for the 12 year old’s younger sibling.
                Makes sense, I did find it to be unusual that a 12 year old might need a babysitter.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Delaying the start of the new sport until spring would resolve my issues with it almost completely because hockey would be over then and there would be a lot more time in our schedule. Hockey occurs sometimes 4x per week right now. Plus there are 2 other kids I drive to sports (one is not ex’s child as I remarried).
                  Ex also started out the year by supporting hockey: bringing him to conditioning camp at end of summer, being there for tryouts, attending parent meetings, practices etc. Now he is going to pull him out two months in? If you were going to make a stand, you should’ve maybe done that earlier. Coaches were emailing us both yesterday asking where my son was - he didn’t even inform them.
                  Anyway, I like Denbigh’s advice above. If it doesn’t conflict (which will be rare) I will bring my son to the new sport. I have to be child-focused in this. I definitely disagree that you would paint me with the same brush as him Janus as I believe he is focused on conflict and sticking it to me rather than what is in his kid’s best interests.

                  I agree the daycare will be a slam dunk. Have to wait until we calculate proportionate shares in May though using lawyer software and then it will be abundantly clear how much the arrears are.


                  Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Your ex has proven to battle just for the sake of battling. Your best bet is to just accept it and move on. Yes your son is 12 and should not have to stand up to his father but unfortunately in divorce the kids are the ones who have to do the talking. He can make his feelings known in a few years.

                    In the grand scheme of things, missing hockey for something else is not going to kill him. Yes he will be sad and yes he will be leaving his team but ten years from now those missed events will mean little. No sense getting pissy over it. Your ex wants to get you going, why are you giving him that benefit? Not worth the fight.

                    The daycare is so focus on that and go from there.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I get it...

                      Although some say it is his parenting time he decides, I think a judge would see it differently considering it is an organized sport team sport and ex has set the status quo. If a child is part of a team he/she is expected to be there. My kids would be very embarrassed to miss a team game or practice consistently. My kids would also be furious with their dad if he decided not to take them to their team sports. All mine play 2 comp sports and I understand your predicament running them all over and now adding another to the mix. My kids would simply decide not to go to their dad's if he pulled this stunt on them. At 12 yrs old your son is getting to that age to decide. What about a note or message to the ex stating that your son is on a team and expected to participate and attend. Should he not take son to scheduled game or practice then son will stay with you and you will take him and drop him off after said game or practice. Your ex can threaten court all he wants if custody is an issue but a judge will take into account the status quo and your son's thoughts on this.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                        Taking the child to a sport on his parenting time is a day to day decision that he gets to make. You can't control/manipulate his time with the children.



                        Does he pay for the sport you take the child to on your time ?


                        I’m not trying to manipulate. He has supported hockey for years and is only now keeping his son from it. Yes, I understand it’s his decision.
                        We both pay for the agreed upon sports up to a maximum budget. His share is calculated into his child support as a flat rate.


                        Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by backinthesaddle View Post
                          Although some say it is his parenting time he decides, I think a judge would see it differently considering it is an organized sport team sport and ex has set the status quo. If a child is part of a team he/she is expected to be there. My kids would be very embarrassed to miss a team game or practice consistently. My kids would also be furious with their dad if he decided not to take them to their team sports. All mine play 2 comp sports and I understand your predicament running them all over and now adding another to the mix. My kids would simply decide not to go to their dad's if he pulled this stunt on them. At 12 yrs old your son is getting to that age to decide. What about a note or message to the ex stating that your son is on a team and expected to participate and attend. Should he not take son to scheduled game or practice then son will stay with you and you will take him and drop him off after said game or practice. Your ex can threaten court all he wants if custody is an issue but a judge will take into account the status quo and your son's thoughts on this.


                          I also feel like a judge would take it into account that he’s always supported it before and would view this move as not in the child’s best interests. I may have to return to court one day and I will have this is my back pocket as an example of his conflict-focused ways.
                          Although I want to tell my kid to circumvent the schedule and take the bus to my house when he doesn’t want to miss hockey, I think this would start world war three...so I’m not doing that. My son and I had a good chat tonight. He is going to do what he can to convince his dad. Terrible position to be in at 12, but it’s a life lesson in standing up for yourself.


                          Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Just a little write up on why any parent should encourage hockey or any other organized sport for their children. And why Anges ex really is not doing what is best for their child by making him miss on his weekends. Yes I get it. ITS DADS DECISION.... that doesn’t make it the right decision. As a parent I am so proud that hockey is helping to teach my sons these things...


                            “The cost of Youth Hockey, is it worth it?”
                            By Brett Johnson

                            One of my friends recently asked me about the cost of youth hockey. “Why do you pay so much money and spend so much time running around for your son to play hockey?” he inquired.
                            Well, I have a confession to make: I don’t pay for my son’s hockey. Or his skates, his pads, his helmet, and his uniform. Or his ice time, clinics and camps, for that matter.So if I am not paying for hockey, what exactly am I paying for?
                            • I pay for those moments when my son becomes so tired he feels like quitting but doesn’t.
                            • I pay for the opportunity that my son can have and will have to make lifelong friendships.
                            • I pay for the chance that he may have amazing instructors who will teach him that hockey is not just about a game but about life.
                            • I pay for my child to learn to be disciplined.
                            • I pay for my son to learn to take care of his body.
                            • I pay for my son to learn to work with others and to be a proud, supportive, kind and respectful team member.
                            • I pay for my child to learn to deal with disappointment. When he doesn’t get that goal he hoped for, or falls during a breakaway he has practiced a thousand times but still gets up and is determined to do his BEST next time…
                            • I pay for my son to learn to set and accomplish goals.
                            • I pay for my son to learn that it takes hours and hours and hours and hours of hard work and practice to create a champion, and that success does not happen overnight.
                            • I pay so that my son can be in the rink instead of in front of a screen.
                            I could go on but to keep it short, I’ll say it again: I don’t pay for hockey. I pay for the opportunities that hockey provides my child to develop the attributes that will serve him well throughout his life, and give him the opportunity to bless the lives of others.
                            From what I have seen over the years, I think it is a great investment. That’s why for me, the cost of youth hockey means nothing.
                            Brett Johnson is a hockey dad and coach living in Sylvan Lake, Alberta, Canada.


                            Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Refusing to support a child’s sport

                              Anges ex has proven to be a difficult, manipulative controlling person. He wanted 50/50 to reduce his child support and started the court process to do so. Once he was in it, he decided he didnt want 50/50 and forced ange to settle for less cs. He also argued for reduced section 7 and to not pay post secondary.

                              This is not a father operating in his childrens best interests so for all you mom haters, stop projecting. If your kid was upset about being forced to miss something they enjoyed that was AGREED TO by both parents, you would be upset too and would try to manage their feelings.

                              Ange, word of caution for you...take care what you post. The trolls have it out for you.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X