What to do if my kids don't want to stay with me?

[nogoingback]

As difficult as it is to swallow, my kids (9&10) have decided to stay with their mother this Easter weekend, a weekend that was meant to be spent with me them as per a court order. They informed me via text that they don't want to come to my house and my ex has refused to drop them off, saying it is their choice. This has happened twice in the last week, and previously, the children have been withheld from me when they have a common cold. The kids have told me, that it is their choice and I cannot force them to come to my house. This is of course what their mother has told them. I told my ex and my children that this is not the case, that my ex needs to follow the court order to no avail. My ex and I are high conflict and she is absolutely taking advantage of the situation and has gone out of her way to speak disparagingly about me in front of the children.
It is very upsetting. How do I handle this? Can I file a contempt of court motion even if my children do not want to come to my house?

[blueman2017]

Speak to your kids via phone tell them you miss them and would love to spend time with them.

Let them know that what is happening between their mom and you has to be hard on them and you want to be part of their lives.

At the end of the day you can't force your kids to do something they don't want but really all you can do is talk and share with them. They may turn around and change their minds.

[Berner_Faith]

Disagree blueman... The children are not old enough to make that decision and can be forced to do something they don't want. If they didn't want to go to school would you be saying oh well it's their choice? No they would be forced to go to school or bed or grandma's house. They are kids, they don't have the power to make those decisions.

OP, you need to let your ex know in writing you disagree with her unilaterally making these decisions and you expect make up time immediately. If she fails this request let her know you will be taking the appropriate legal means to ensure your parenting is not interrupted


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[rockscan]

This is denial of access and you need to let your ex know. Send her an email telling her to drop them off (or you will be picking them up) at x time otherwise this will be considered denial of access. Do a search of this forum for posts by hammerdad as he has said some good stuff previously.

Your kids are NOT old enough to make that decision and it doesnt matter what your ex says to you or them. You have an order for access, enforce it.

[stripes]

That's really miserable.

Do you have communications between you and ex in which she says that she will not be dropping the kids off and you tell her this is a violation of the court order? If so, gather them together and go see a lawyer. From your message, it sounds like this has happened three times in the last week, which is three times too many. You need some legal intervention now.

Just to reinforce what others have said: the kids are absolutely not competent to decide which parent they want to stay with, and your ex is not entitled to vary the court order. I would not discuss this with the kids in the hopes that they will change their minds - they have already been given way too much power in this situation.

Send your ex a message saying that you expect the kids to be brought to your place within the hour. If this does not happen, you will be seeking legal advice on Tuesday morning.

[LovingFather32]

Listen very carefully to what Berner, Rockscan and Stripes have said here. I agree 100%.

You need the denials in writing (exhibits). You also need to illustrate "in writing" that this is NOT okay. The last thing you want is to acquiescence this.

This is obviously the OP's doing. Her job is to encourage and promote the relationship between the kids and you. All my ex has done to me and I have always spoken very highly of her to D4. Intervention is needed ASAP.

This:

Send your ex a message saying that you expect the kids to be brought to your place within the hour. If this does not happen, you will be seeking legal advice on Tuesday morning.

Do it .. like now.

[nogoingback]

OP, you need to let your ex know in writing you disagree with her unilaterally making these decisions and you expect make up time immediately. If she fails this request let her know you will be taking the appropriate legal means to ensure your parenting is not interrupted

Done. Several times.

[nogoingback]

Do you have communications between you and ex in which she says that she will not be dropping the kids off and you tell her this is a violation of the court order?

Yes. Four or five instances. I have a text message purportedly from my daughter saying she will not come to my house until I pay support (I paid, but was late) I have made it very clear how inappropriate it is to discuss money matters with children and to withhold them from me until I pay.

If so, gather them together and go see a lawyer. From your message, it sounds like this has happened three times in the last week, which is three times too many. You need some legal intervention now. .

In process. I have called a lawyer.

[Links17]

This is stupid advice....

1. Why don't your kids want to spend time with you?
Because it isn't fun

If you don't have the ability to create a fun environment for your kids then this is your future one way or another.

Make life with you more fun.

[Tayken]

1. Why don't your kids want to spend time with you?
Because it isn't fun

If you don't have the ability to create a fun environment for your kids then this is your future one way or another.

Make life with you more fun.

I hate to say it but, Links has figured something out that many parents haven't figured out.

In addition children of these ages should not be given the opportunity to choose. It is unfortunate that the other parent has chosen to act this way. You could go to court and have the order enforced but, it would be cheaper to follow Links17's advice in the future.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[stripes]

I think Tayken's advice is a recipe for a "fun" arms race which will be expensive in both financial and emotional terms. Dad buys video games? Mom promises Disneyland. Dad gets the kids a puppy? Mom buys a pony. By all means create a welcoming environment for the kids - but do so because that makes life more enjoyable for everyone, not because you're trying to entice them to express a desire for Dad's house. Life at Dad's may indeed be less fun than Mom's house, but he is their father and unless Dad is neglecting or abusing them they should be spending time with him per the court order, even if they're bored. Trying to appeal to the kids is a losing game because Mom will always one-up him.

[nogoingback]

This is stupid advice....

1. Why don't your kids want to spend time with you?
Because it isn't fun

If you don't have the ability to create a fun environment for your kids then this is your future one way or another.

Make life with you more fun.

I wish I knew why.

[rockscan]

Dont listen to links. My partner tried the Disney Dad route and it still didnt work. Your ex is manipulating them. Nothing you do will change that. When shes forced to hand them over things will change. Your kids are being brainwashed.

[Berner_Faith]

I hate to say it but, Links has figured something out that many parents haven't figured out.



In addition children of these ages should not be given the opportunity to choose. It is unfortunate that the other parent has chosen to act this way. You could go to court and have the order enforced but, it would be cheaper to follow Links17's advice in the future.



Good Luck!

Tayken

I am very surprised by you Tayken. I would have expected more from you than telling the OP to be a Disneyland Dad.

Mom is breaking the court order. Being s fun dad isn't going to change that if she refuses to send the kids. So Op plans a trip, tells the kids about it, but still doesn't get them because mom refuses. Yes that seems cheaper than going to court and having access enforced.


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[nogoingback]

Case Law

CanLII - 2012 ONSC 4234 (CanLII)
CanLII - 2014 ONSC 2738 (CanLII)
Family Law | Halifax & Darmouth | Sealy Cornish Coulthard

I found these to be helpful. Some parallels to my situation.

According to Justice Gordon, "At a minimum one might expect the following (from the withholding parent):
• A discussion with the child to determine why he does not want to go
• Communication with the other parent to advise of the difficulty and discuss how it might be resolved
• Offering the child an incentive to go, or some form of discipline should he continue to refuse"

None of these have happened with my ex.