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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 04-08-2019, 10:52 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default Swimming- hill to die on?

So here's the situation.

First iteration of final final settlement offer (broken down into severable sections- thanks to suggestions on here) is ready to go. BUT...still tyring to make sure I've covered everything...

and that's how I ended up here:

As I'm trying to let ex know what's going on in D2's life when she's with me- I mentioned at the weekend pick up that she's started swimming lessons- and loves it. I had asked months ago through OFW if he was okay with this- he was. He then said "Oh- if she likes the water- we can take her swimming here" (his mom's condo has a nice pool- but without a lifeguard).

I said "Oh- but have you learned to swim?" He said he can get some lessons... And he'll take her after he's done some lessons.

Ex cannot swim. And no one in his family can (including sister who is current visit supervisor).

I instantly wanted to tell him "fuck no, you can't". But instead I said "you know- it's probably better you only take her when there's a life guard present- until you're way more comfortable in the water". And then I bounced before it could turn into a thing.


Is it reasonable to put a stipulation in the parenting plan to say he can't take her swimming at all- without the presence of a lifeguard? Even then- I'm imaging places like Great Wolfe Lodge and I'm nervous about him being in situations with her around water where no one who's there actually knows how to swim- even with a lifeguard present but lots of people too.

I'm more inclined to say that he should never take her swimming. Period. Hard stop.

I know this is gatekeeper'ish...but I don't eff around with water safety. I was a lifeguard for five years when I was younger and I know how easy it is for toddlers to drown- and what's scarier is dry drowning. I don't think kids should be around water unless they're strong swimmers or have at least one adult who is a strong swimmer and knows the basics of lifesaving techniques around water.

Hill to die on?
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  #2  
Old 04-08-2019, 11:07 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Could you get her a life jacket or floaty she can wear in the pool? How deep is the pool?

Im not sure if you can actually enforce something like that in an order. Nor can you even say it. There may need to be a different work around for it.

What if you went and got her some sort of floaty that he can use. Then that way you can approach it as “hey, shes little, she can’t swim, I think until she is a confident swimmer this should be used”.

More than likely if he’s not a swimmer he’s not going to do anything crazy. Will probably float around with her in the shallow end. I know what he has said and that it is supervised access but this may be an opportunity for a “work together” situation.

Bottom line, you can’t die on this hill because it’s unenforceable.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:17 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Yeah- you're probably right. I'll suggest arm floats or a lifejacket...I'd still rather he just learn to swim. Or just not take her to a pool unless he's with someone who can swim.

To be clear- there was no animosity. just fear on my part....it will go a long way if I can make this a "work together" issue. Obviously it WOULD be really great if she could take advantage of the pool at his mom's place as it's a lovely pool and she does love swimming.

Last edited by iona6656; 04-08-2019 at 11:21 AM.
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Old 04-08-2019, 11:21 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You have to hope that he would not want anything to happen to her and will be safe. A condo pool is much safer than a beach or the ocean. Plus I am sure HE doesn’t want to drown.

My partner’s ex pulled something like this when he told the kids to bring bathing suits once. She demanded to know where he was taking them, what they would be wearing for safety, if there would be lifeguards and safety personnel etc. The kids were teens and knew how to swim. He was pretty mad about her questioning his parenting and reminded her they were his children too and he was not planning to do anything to hurt them.

In your case with the difficulties you are having, its best to try the olive branch method and use situations like this to work together. As much as he is a horrible person, he loves this child too. (At least I hope he does).
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  #5  
Old 04-08-2019, 11:24 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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you're right...i'ma just tip toe my helicopter parenting back a notch.
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