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  #1  
Old 01-31-2019, 08:02 AM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
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I have yet to find anyone who has been through what I have. It was suggested to me to try and find anyone in this forum who has been through same. I was a stay at home parent who sacrificed my career to be at home. 3 years after this sacrifice separation happened. A judged forced a 50-50 arrangement on us after a mediator specifically told my ex and I that in these situations it is both the legal and social norm for children to live primarily with their stay at home parent. The judge ignored this norm. Despite being at home I made more money than my ex, significantly more. Although the law states that money should not impact custody decisions it appears it has. Those support tables bankrupted me, we lost the house, I even lost my 3 kids for over a year because I had to move into my parents basement. I had to take leave from work. I was paying for my ex to put my kids in daycare while I was home. All three kids didn't want this. A Judge decided to not listen to my kids who were all expressing the natural desire to not go to daycare, later to not be left home alone with the 12 year old in charge, to be with their primary parent who was always around. Eventually my two oldest rebelled, and my ex sent them to me. I haven't seen my youngest for years. My two oldest having seen their sibling for years.

Are there any stay at home parents who have been through this? Losing everything. Suffering alienation. Not seeing their kids. Not having their kids heard.

In any case its been going on for years and I haven't met anyone else in my situation. Any other stay at home parents, who sacrificed their careers, been bankrupted and alienated from their children, and forced to pay their ex to put kids in care, all the while the childrens views are ignored?

I have been to doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, spoke with social workers, ... no one seems to know anyone who's had this happen.
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  #2  
Old 01-31-2019, 01:13 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Your post isnt making sense to me. Your a stay at home parent yet you made more money than your ex, so you were working from home? If you had a 50/50 custody split then you would not have to pay full child support, but offset. When you were following the 50/50 schedule were you paying full-time daycare fees, were there no subsidies available?

I too was a stay at home parent until my ex and I separated. I do regret it now as it put me back in the workforce, starting from scratch salary wise, looking back I should have worked part-time at least to keep a foot in the workforce. And I totally agree daycare is a killer financially, if you cant qualify for a subsidy. A 50/50 custody arrangement is ideal imo for working parents, although I unfortunately didnt end up with that.

I would go back to court to update that 2 children now live with you and ask for CS for them, and enforce the 50/50 custody on your youngest. Ask for the OCL to become involved, thats the only way I know to have the children's voices heard.
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Old 01-31-2019, 03:39 PM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
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My post makes sense, just not my situation. I made almost 4x as much as my ex despite being at home. I'm in software, I make my own hours and only ever worked when the kids were in school, That is I was in a position where also i had all summer off, every break (Spring, Easter, Christmas), every PD day, every day a kid was sick. My kids never even knew I worked - in all respects a complete stay at home parent. Work NEVER got in the way, as I was never working when they were home. This arrangement meant i could not move up into any management position that would require to lead a team, meet clients or partners, etc...i forgo all the advancement offered, i accepted a fix salary as well to be at home. Needless to say my employer was pissed, they even wrote the court to explain how I made the decision against their wishes to focus on family and forgo advancement - judge did not care.

Yes, it was offset...but consider the offset when you make almost 4x as much as the other....it was more than the mortgage which was previously the biggest expense. I couldn't pay the mortgage. Lost house. Which by the way happened to be upside at the time. Moving from NS to BC does that - in that you lose all equity and basically start over. Now I'm in Ontario (Which happens to be where my kids were all born.

So my paying for daycare was for the time they were with my ex. I didn't put them in daycare EVER. And they never previously were ever in daycare. Which is to say the history of their care didn't matter to a judge despite it being listed as one of the factors to consider when making a custody arrangement.

Had the kids been with me like a what is the legal and social norm for at home mothers, I specifically told the court I didn't want nor need any support (spousal or family maintenance). If I was left alone to pay my bills I could have - barely, with next to nothing to put away. I said you place any financial burden on me: I can't pay the bills. The court, based on those tables, and the offset, forced me to pay my ex - and she turned around and put the kids in the daycare. My kids were pissed. We had to deal with kids under 12 running away from daycares - running to my house. I was blamed for this. This is what I've been through. I didn't create this situation. I didn't ignore the kids. I didn't keep the kids from their mother. When my oldest turned 12, he became the caregiver in her home. He'd have to get his siblings up for school and feed them, he'd have to look after them after school. They were all pissed. They would run to my house. I'd call my ex at her work and tell the kids arrived at my place. She'd make me send them home to an empty house. This is what I've endured. 50-50 made NO SENSE. It was just a means to get me to pay my ex. What did she do the first year I was financially bullied out of town and into my parents basement? Two trips to Vegas and one to Hawaii! Leaving the kids with others - not sending them to me. She kept them from me for over a year. It wasn't until my sons refused to go to school until they got to see me that she sent them on a plane, and gave me the flight number to pick them up. Again ALL THIS WAS AVOIDABLE if a judge followed legal and social norms - but they refused.
I am currently bankrupt. I can't afford court. I'm in Ontario and I am told everything has to be done in BC. I can't even afford to go to BC at this point to appear in court. Her lawyers fights me doing any court application remotely. He did that to my parents as well, who just gave up because all my exes lawyer does is make it too expensive to do anything.
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  #4  
Old 01-31-2019, 04:47 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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So in other words, having to pay child support is why you are mad. Your kids got the benefit of BOTH parents while married and now enjoy BOTH parents following divorce.

You had a sweet set up career wise. Not too many stay at home moms get to say that. You then chose to move to an expensive province and then moved again.

Most of the men on this forum lose everything fighting false allegations to get 50/50 or even non supervised access and now you are bitching about having to pay support. I have zero sympathy for you. You chose to work from home but didnt suffer financially. You chose to move around.
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  #5  
Old 01-31-2019, 04:57 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Still confused, but I never claim to be the sharpest knife in the drawer. So your ex and one of your children is in BC and you and two of your children are in Ontario? Why the distance, who moved?

Hmm, if i found out or my ex found out our kids were running away from a daycare, we would both have a problem with that. Where was the supervision from the daycare provider? And when your ex told you to send them back to her empty house, and you agreed to this??

Yup, going the court system is a crap shot depending on the Judge you get. Some dont even read your materials. Cry me a river. We have all been there. Heck I should stay home with my kids and expect full table child support, section 7 expenses, and spousal support, but there is only so much $$$ my ex can make and also make a home for the children while they are there on his time. Life sucks sometimes, move forward! Dont expect a Judge to solve all your problems, or make a wrong a right.

Why are your parents involved? Grandparents have little rights.

Its a slow day at the office because of the weather, so I can respond, but you sound like a troll to me, just saying....

Rockscan, I think he is a stay at home Dad.
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  #6  
Old 01-31-2019, 05:09 PM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
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Not at all. My kids did not get the benefits of both parents. When they were at my exes, she wasn't there. I'm mad that that time could have and should have been with me - not just because I wanted it, but because my children wanted it. They didn't want daycare. The oldest didn't want to be a caregiver and the younger ones didn't want to be cared for by their eldest. They wanted to be with the person who was their primary parent. My kids did not start suffering until 50-50 was imposed. We went 6 months where the kids were fine. The moment 50-50 imposed - they all had trouble at school. First reports cards mentioned two of my kids had hygiene issues (never before did they) Why because before they had a parent get them up for school, make sure they were washed, fed and teeth brushed. So why was 50-50 imposed - for financial considerations or gender ones - lawyers I have had talked to in the past said it was one or both - either way the court is obliged not to make an arrangement based on gender or finances but what they did was monetize my children finding a way to make me pay my ex.

I never choose to move around. Each time was at the demand of my ex. The last move was to a city in which my company didn't have an office. Hence the request to work exclusively to be at home and forgo offered advancement (if i stayed in a city where there was an office). We never moved at my request at any time, i had offers accross the country, in the Netherlands, AUstralia, Brazil, ... before kids I was working in New York City. My ex made me request once my son was born to not travel or relocate - we only ever relocated when she wanted to. And this whole time I was the primary income earner. Only for one 2 year stretch once my kids were born did I ever work in an office, and my ex demanded we move - but even during that stretch I was at home as much as in the office. I was exclusively home the three years prior to the separation.

You are not understanding my situation. What was in the best interest of my children? I'm upset they were put through this. I lost everything - I shouldn't have lost a thing. My middle child has been suicidal because of what's he's gone through. He has counsellors work with him, they all ask me why the court allowed this to happen.

How can you not have sympathy? The bankruptcy meant my kids when over a year without BOTH parents! My daughter hasn't seen me since 2013! I'm bitching and trying to find anyone who has gone through the same. Why because the Youth Services Bureau suggested I try on this very forum even though they never heard of this situation. The Family Maintenance Enforcement Plan clerks in BC, never heard of this happening - they refused to enforce the last order - have you ever heard of them doing that before? That's how unique this situation is. I'm trying to find someone similar so I don't feel its unique anymore - that I'm not singled out for this treatment. Maybe find help for my kids.

I don't believe in 50-50 as a new normal. I believe doing what's best for children. 50-50 is for when both parents are equally available or equally unavailable for the kids. No parent should put their kid in a third party care instead of the parent at home. 50-50 makes ZERO sense when there is a stay at home parent. So a guy who doesn't have 50-50 because his his ex is at home all the time, that's for the best interest of the children - fuck that guy if he feels different. 50-50 should only ever be fought for if both parents are equally unavailable or equally available. That's not my case. So I was bankrupted putting my kids in daycare when they were with their mother. How does that benefit any child?
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Old 01-31-2019, 05:33 PM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
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I moved, being bankrupt I moved into my parents basement. I didn't want to move. I lost my house and office. I couldn't pay the mortgage. I didn't have enough to rent a new house and office even if the boys and I all shared a room and my daughter got her own - that's how crippling the tables are. Losing my office also meant that I had to move back to a city where my employer has an office - even though I could still effectively work from home all the time, and only be obliged to attend a monthly meeting (which would be when kids are in school) - I believe there are tax reasons for this - it was explained to me at one point. But yes, I did try to find work in BC first - i should mention we were remote, only accessible by boat or plane (employment options limited) - couldn't find any that paid more and clearly I couldn't accept less given the burden placed on me. Eventually my work demanded I take leave because my output was suffering...I did...it mean less income...i was clearly stressed.

First time my kids showed up at my door when mom was supposed to be having her time with the kids I called my lawyer and asked her what to do. This was the first day of school - 50-50 was imposed that summer so the impact wasn't really felt because we both planned vacation time anyways my lawyer suggested I call mom at work. I called the lawyer back and told her what mom said, and she suggested its best I just send them back but she'd talk to her lawyer. Know the courts hate me, I obliged my lawyers advice. After it happened for a number of times (and this is the first two weeks of school after 50-50 was imposed) i called the lawyer again saying it happening every school day now, before and after school, and the lawyer said to stop calling mom because I'm the de facto parent when she isn't around and mom clearly isn't making sound decisions. So I eventually stopped calling mom and would just keep them until she got off work - sometimes late. This went on for a few months before a court date. Even though I followed the lawyers advice, the court blamed me and told me I handled it wrong and said I was taking time away from mom - and this was even though mom was at work. She left my son in charge but he wasn't allowed to bring himself and siblings to my place. My lawyer was pissed and barely kept composure in court - I can't really fault her - the judge made NO SENSE. It was clear bias. It was the same anytime I was in court. No matter what it was, I was at fault. Mom forbid the kids from not just talking to me, but talking about me, they could ring my neighbours door (their friends) but not mine. I still don't understand how a court thinks this is emotionally okay to put a kid through. I would look after other kids for neighbours and friends and my kids would get jealous - why wouldn't they? Am I suddenly not supposed to help my neighbours and friends out - I'm in position to being at home all the time. All this insane emotionally damaging things are going on, and in the mean time I'm going bankrupt knowing I'm going to lose the house in less than a year if this stupid fucking situation doesn't change. It NEVER changed.

A normal person would have a problem with kids running from daycare and realize there is an issue. The daycare provider would call the police. Police would show up at my house - sometimes kids were already at my place or they were en route. One time it even happened when I was at a lawyer's office and got a call from the police about it while at my lawyers. The court knows all this. The court and mom blamed me.

This is what I mean - I don't know anyone else who has been through this.
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:11 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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I think you should focus on your children, particularly the one that is suicidal and a little less on how you got burnt in the system. Your child needs his parents now!

Kudos to you that you have the fantastic job that's so flexible and earns you a great income, try and keep it so you can get you outta your current financial rut. Now your rid of that controlling ex bitch, that cant keep her kids clean, and your fee now to pursue that career you put on hold for her. I'm stuck with one of those 9-5 jobs, so is my ex, so my kids are stuck in daycare, not that they complain, they think its fun.

I do believe 50/50 is the new normal, and I do think its best for the children. Having one parent as the gatekeeper is draconian. Especially if one parent is bashing the other like you are. I hope your saving your bitterness for this forum and not for your children.

Perhaps, the Judge in your situation made the right decision in giving these children some peace from you bitterness. I would hope having them in a regulated daycare, where safety measures are in place, would give them a place of respite from 2 bitter warning parents.

Signing off this thread, Rockscan your "it"
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:30 PM
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CoolGuy41 CoolGuy41 is online now
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For a second I thought I was reading a post by a woman complaining about having to pay set-off CS to a man. That was silly of me.

I now see that feelingaloneallthetime is a man whining about not being awarded primary parenting time. That is silly of him.

You say you are looking for people in a similar situation. If by people in a similar situation you mean people whining about what they didn't get from the court, then yes these forums have many of those! If by people in a similar situation you mean the specific situation you have described then I don't know because I have better things to do than to read all that crap you wrote
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:43 PM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
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CoolGuy41:
For starters: I'm looking for other stay at home parents who had 50-50 imposed on them. I won't to know why and how they cope. I want to know what impact it had on their kids because my kids haven't handled it well. One is siucidal. I'm looking for a stay at home parents who kids run away from daycare and their ex;s empty house - only to be forced. This is emotionally taxing on not just me, but my kids. The question I have is how do you cope when you are forced to

And added to that my problem is that I had to pay for the emotional damage to inflicted when it was completely necessary because the legal and social norm is for children to not just reside with one parent, but to reside with a stay at home parent.

I want to know if there is anyone else like this out there? How do you cope?
You think this is just bitching about paying child support then you haven't listened. I have damaged kids. It was all unnecessary. The last Stats Can survey i saw said children reside with one parent 92% of the time. Why as a stay at home parent was I part of the 8%? That's my problem.

My problem is exasperated because of the financial implications of not acting in my children's emotional best interest, which ultimately meant it wasn't in their best interest. They lost their house too. I'm bankrupt. ARe there other stay at home parents who were not just alienated from their children but also bankrupted out there?
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