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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 12-14-2018, 11:26 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default Update on Co-Parent Counselling

I thought I'd provide an update since I've always found those threads really helpful on this board.

We had our first session with a jointly selected family therapist yesterday. It was 1.5hrs.

Prior to this we have had some really good conversations about our daughter (she's 2) and her eating- mainly us talking about what we observe about her behaviour, etc... and me giving him tips- e.g. she still hates biting things, but prefers to eat on her own. I've sent recipes and other safe foods she likes...so I thought things were getting better?

hoooo-boy was I wrong. Because the counselling session is closed- I guess it's a good thing because it allows us to say what we need to stay- and stbx did just that. Twice during the session the counsellor had to stop him and say "that sounds a lot like a threat- and it's not helpful". Once was in response to him saying "mark my words- mark it down. We're going to end up at the University Ave courthouse fighting this."

He was mad because my lawyer sent over a consent order for temporary child support stating that we would like it registered with FRO. And that barring an agreement on the support amount- and s7 expenses- we would be bringing a motion. This is after he sent her support payment (for dec 1) a week ago by e-transfer but wouldn't send the password. I'm not about to play these games. He wants me to ask for it. I asked on OFW and he was radio silence for a week.

Anyways back to counselling. Although I think the general idea is to move forward- she wanted to take us back- the two of us...to how we got here. The idea is to work on our communication. She wanted us to face the violence head on. Some good things came out of it- but unfortunately a lot of it was just him trying to justify his actions with respect to the domestic violence. He kept trying to qualify his violence- to the point where the counsellor actually said "when you own something- your actions or your words, and apologize- you don't say 'BUT'..." Then he launched in to how I was as abusive as well. To be fair- I have my own codependency issues which I continue to work on. I acknowledged that I said unkind things and was controlling. I have my own history and I have to deal with that.

Anyways- in the end I don't know that we got a lot accomplished. She told us to sit tight- stop trying to work out side deals (that was really directed to me)...and wait for the OCL disclosure. I was trying to wheel and deal my own deal- but that is dumb. I asked for the OCL to be involved for a reason- and I am going to have to sit on my hands and wait.

The only thing I am faced with now is whether to consent to his parenting time to be unsupervised. My gut says it's okay- but my lawyer, and basically everyone around me keeps yelling at me to wait for the OCL disclosure. And that's what I will do...It should be coming in January.

Last edited by iona6656; 12-14-2018 at 11:29 AM.
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Old 12-14-2018, 02:34 PM
StillPaying StillPaying is offline
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"He was mad because my lawyer said we would be bringing a motion" ~ what a bad guy
"He threatened me by not agreeing and saying we'll have to go to court" ~ what a bad guy

Unless this was counseling in the hopes of getting back together, then it was wrong to focus on the past where you both made mistakes. I would get solo counseling if that is still needed, but together you should have been taking about the kids and working together moving forward.

At least you can admit that you're still emotional and controlling. Most of your posts support that.

Based on what you mentioned, there is nothing bad the ocl report will say which would result in shared or eow recommendation. He'll say he is her dad, feeds her and she's fine, but it doesn't sound like you would be willing to start the new schedule right away regardless. Therefore, if it were me, I would start agreeing to extra time with at least 1 overnight right away so I could ensure it was a shorter period but still make sure everything was ok. This should help you feel better about sharing your child with the fun dad who's 3rd in line.
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Old 12-14-2018, 04:29 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Actually- I don't think it was wrong, at all, to address past issues. There is a giant pink elephant in the room. And that needs to be addressed. It would be insane to say "well, you both said some stuff. I know he threatened to kill you and your kid- and regularly terrorized you and threatened violence...BUT LET'S FOCUS ON MOVING FORWARD! " ....she's trying to build trust on both ends.

Ahhh, I was waiting for one of your posts to call me the hysterical ex-wife, I think you forgot 'crazy' as well. Pretty much everyone who is on here is 'emotional' if they're going through a divorce and custody battle. As to controlling. Sure I'll take that. I am. BUT, do I know that I gave up control over what my kid does the minute I separated? I do.

Also- I've already agreed to extra time...What I didn't agree to on his timeline- which is why he went near nuclear on me is removal of supervision yesterday. I'm not dumb, that's coming. As are overnights. I'm not going to fight a court battle over either of those.
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Old 12-14-2018, 05:19 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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A bit off topic but may be helpful for future...

If he is e-transfering support payments, go to your online account and activate auto deposit - no password required.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:01 PM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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What blink said.

Also , when we did counselling, the therpaiat made us sign a document that we wouldn't be bringing any motions until counselling was finished.

Threatening a motion in the middle of counselling is not helpful.

Just sit tight until the OCL disclosure.

Last edited by tunnelight; 12-14-2018 at 09:06 PM.
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Old 12-14-2018, 09:28 PM
StillPaying StillPaying is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Actually- I don't think it was wrong, at all, to address past issues. There is a giant pink elephant in the room. And that needs to be addressed. It would be insane to say "well, you both said some stuff. I know he threatened to kill you and your kid- and regularly terrorized you and threatened violence...BUT LET'S FOCUS ON MOVING FORWARD! " ....she's trying to build trust on both ends.
The past is the past. He admitted to it, got in trouble/paid for it, completed the anger management/pas counseling, ocl and completed supervised access while starting an application with the court for his child. Really, apart from the very occasional email, you two never have to see or speak to each other again...

Quote:
Ahhh, I was waiting for one of your posts to call me the hysterical ex-wife, I think you forgot 'crazy' as well. Pretty much everyone who is on here is 'emotional' if they're going through a divorce and custody battle.
This has nothing to do with gender and I don't think you're crazy. I just took interest in your case given the amount of times you mentioned your job, while 100% acting like an emotional client- ignoring rules and laws while proclaiming what is fair.

Quote:
As to controlling. Sure I'll take that. I am. BUT, do I know that I gave up control over what my kid does the minute I separated? I do.
I'm not sure if you do realize that yet, as you continue to control every step while looking to diminish his role with each thread.


Quote:
Also- I've already agreed to extra time...What I didn't agree to on his timeline- which is why he went near nuclear on me is removal of supervision yesterday. I'm not dumb, that's coming. As are overnights. I'm not going to fight a court battle over either of those.
So he's been through the supervised center with no issues. Continued with family supervision with no issue. You increased his hours with no issue. It's been months. At what point will you be ok with unsupervised access, let alone overnights??

Didn't your ex bring you to court for unsupervised overnight access, among other things; so you are fighting a court battle, or at least delaying the inevitable for as long as possible. For you, you would be better off coming up with your own agreement and controlling the outcome. For your ex, his position can only get better so court is a good option.
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Old 12-15-2018, 11:49 AM
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iono6656, I really admire how calm and unruffled you have been through this court case and the the posters attacking you on this board. (I really wish this board was moderated to remove the gender-based attacks that buries the nuggets of wisdom). Thanks for sharing your experience. The next sessions should be more productive as the counsellor will have had the to process their reactions about both of you. Good luck.
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Old 12-16-2018, 11:47 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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I give you both credit for even trying therapy. I think it would be hard in the mist of litigation but well worth a shot. This was just one session, hopefully after a few more both of you will get something out of it. And if you dont, at least you tried.

I'll scream at you too, WAIT FOR OCL!!! Too me, its one more resource both parents will have to come to some sort of resolution.
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Old 12-16-2018, 03:58 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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The purpose of this therapy was to help you work on communicating better yes? Then bringing threats in won’t work. While you have some issues (and controlling is a serious one) if he is threatening you in therapy to improve communications, therapy won’t work.

Wait for ocl. It seems like you want to solve this immediately but that isnt how it works. CS is separate and he should be paying it. By refusing to agree on something basic, he proves he is using it to get what he wants.
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Old 12-17-2018, 10:37 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tunnelight View Post
What blink said.

Also , when we did counselling, the therpaiat made us sign a document that we wouldn't be bringing any motions until counselling was finished.

Threatening a motion in the middle of counselling is not helpful.

Just sit tight until the OCL disclosure.
That's a great idea- I will suggest it at our next session. I will ask my lawyer not to push for the consent order. To be fair- my request for CS and threat of a motion took place at least a month ago.

Like Rocksan said- he's trying to use it as a bargaining chip. But he did send the child support payment *right* after our session because the counsellor asked us both to abide by the commitments we've made.
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