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  • Child writes about parental issues

    Hello,
    I am writing on behalf of a friend. (really) The daughter does not want to go with dad as he continues to talk bad about the mother (so the 9 year old defends her and they get into an argument); he lets the child know he doesn't love her; tells the child he can't deal with her behaviour so doesn't see her for a few weeks; and he left her alone for some time (CAS has been contacted). The child was asked by mom to write down what happened. CAS seemed to think this wasn't appropriate. It is evidence in the child's handwriting. They don't seem to believe mom when she calls them. Thoughts.

  • #2
    In 90% of the cases like you described mom is lying.

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    • #3
      sounds like Mom wants Dad to disappear.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by EdmDad View Post
        sounds like Mom wants Dad to disappear.

        Seems to be a common occurrence

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        • #5
          Originally posted by mememe View Post
          Hello,
          I am writing on behalf of a friend. (really) The daughter does not want to go with dad as he continues to talk bad about the mother (so the 9 year old defends her and they get into an argument); he lets the child know he doesn't love her; tells the child he can't deal with her behaviour so doesn't see her for a few weeks; and he left her alone for some time (CAS has been contacted). The child was asked by mom to write down what happened. CAS seemed to think this wasn't appropriate. It is evidence in the child's handwriting. They don't seem to believe mom when she calls them. Thoughts.
          I am thinking that the reason CAS didn't believe her or think it was appropriate is the mom could have told the daughter what to write or how to word it. Now it looks like she is coaching her daughter. She shot herself in the foot.

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          • #6
            it is difficult to do anything is this situation but do not think it was right for Mom to ask the child to write it down.

            I have been through similar situation where Dad did and actually still rant about me to the point it was unberable for the children.

            Childre were older, this actually ruined his relationship with my younger and he barely has one with our daughter.

            The true, the child is hurt enough and they need someone to talk to, if open for counselling, this would be good. a diary is always good, so they can write down and put it away.

            But to write it down to report the ex is detrimental to the child. Remember a child will loves both parents no matter way.

            They may want to stay away for while but it does not mean they do love the parent. They just hope that the situation will cool down.

            In my case it never did, since ex to my surprise he did a scene in my driveway and rant about me to my sister. I was not home ( chilren are now 23-20-17) and accusing me of preventing them to answer the phone or door.

            Children were witness unfortunatly since I was told it was loud and hard to ignore.

            it is a vicious cycle, more he rant none of them want to visit.
            Last edited by Moolight; 02-08-2014, 10:53 AM.

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            • #7
              Personally I think it depends on what Mom in intending to do with the material. My little brother is seeing a therapist because of a tragic event that happened in our lives. One of the things that his therapist has asked him to do, is write in a diary type thing or draw a picture of his feelings. He does not share this with anyone, expect his therapist... not even my parents are aware of what he draws/writes. But this has been very useful for him and allows him to control his emotions.

              If Mom is trying to help the daughter cope with her feelings great, but if this is something she intends to use in court for whatever reason, I can see why CAS has an issue with it.

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              • #8
                Thanks everyone for your input. The child has gone to therapy from what mom has told me. She doesn't want to see the dad---mom keeps telling her to go. She has many things on her plate, so some time with dad is good for many reasons. I did read the diary page--and one does have to be careful how one interprets it and , as was stated, how will it be used. I look at the Woody Allen situation--and the comment that the child was "directed" by the mom what to say. The problem is:

                a. what do you do in this situation where dad does need some help to repair the relationship with the child?
                b. Leaving the child alone---you call CAS and/or your lawyer lets him know it is unacceptable. Then it creates more conflict for the spouse and the child (I can see a parent reprimandingthechild). How do you resolve this for a child?

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                • #9
                  if you cared for this person even for a single minute - and you want the very best for your daughter...... and you can do this - bring your family, even your daughter so she can see for herself -- and do not give your ex an option - if he loves his daughter more than anything in this world.....

                  Get to your local crisis center. This IS WHAT THEY DO. They saved my life and they can save your ex's too, or at least for the sake of your daughter - the potential to find it within to want and learn how to be a dad, learn how to rebuild the relationship your daughter deserves. Once there, your crisis center will know what to do - how to get this to stop - and how to put the right people (including yourself) in front of the RIGHT HELP TODAY.

                  From there it will be up to the adults to build/ fix in themselves in order to have a chance, and at this point it is just that, A CHANCE. Only the adults in this case, with much hard and difficult times that will need to be gotten through - what your daughter needs and deserves can be a possibility. And maybe you will need to make that first hard step.....

                  It is no longer about the games, lies, one upping the other -- this is 110% all about a lovely little girl and her younger sibling that needs both parents to do and try everything they possibly can - for them......

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                  • #10
                    thank you for your comments. I have no children. I know, as it was my suggestions, that she suggest he repair the relationship with his daughter with some professional intervention. (he blames her for the child misbehaving --when in fact he says hurtful things to the child) His response was not too positive. My friend says he is a controlling person--telling him what to do or suggesting anything that is not comling from him results in abuse.

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                    • #11
                      sounds identical to my ex... any time our son did anything wrong it was my fault. I'm sure that's fairly common with dysfunctional relationships: The Blame Game.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        The daughter does not want to go with dad as he continues to talk bad about the mother (so the 9 year old defends her and they get into an argument);
                        This often happens. Often children subjected to an environment where they are constantly facing the other parent being put in a negative light will reject the parent doing this. Everyone needs to be mindful that a child see's themselves as equal parts of both parents. So it isn't uncommon for a young child to act out as a result.

                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        he lets the child know he doesn't love her;
                        Again, you have to mindful that the child is 9. The other parent may not like something she does, how she behaves and in her mind she may be projecting it that he is disciplining her because he doesn't "love" her. Remember, the two most important role models in this child's life don't love each other. So, the child won't be relied upon by the courts, CAS and OCL.

                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        tells the child he can't deal with her behaviour so doesn't see her for a few weeks;
                        Hmmm... My theory above about discipline to understanding may be the issue. The child may view the discipline she gets from her father as him not loving her. It may be a parental style issue and a good reason the parents are no longer together.

                        I would really emphasize this with your "friend".

                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        and he left her alone for some time (CAS has been contacted)
                        Calling the CAS if the child isn't in danger isn't recommended. As well, how can the other parent verify this "evidence" without breaking one of the most important rules of separated parents: "Don't cross examine your children about what happens at the other house!"

                        So, do you see why the CAS doesn't "believe" your friend's story?

                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        The child was asked by mom to write down what happened. CAS seemed to think this wasn't appropriate.
                        Because it absolutely is NOT APPROPRIATE ever! Children are children! They are not witnesses to a custody and access dispute! They are not pawns to shuffle around the chess board by both parents.

                        The best thing this parent can do for their child is to provide them the Children's Help Phone number and ask them to call and talk to a professional.

                        Kids Help Phone - free, anonymous, 24/7 telephone and online counselling | Kids Help Phone

                        Originally posted by mememe View Post
                        It is evidence in the child's handwriting. They don't seem to believe mom when she calls them. Thoughts.
                        This is probably the worst thing a parent could ask of a child. To commit pen to paper about the other equal and whole part of the person whom they identify with... their parent!

                        Your friend needs to focus less on what goes on while the child is residing with the other parent, advise her daughter to seek help from professionals when needed and focus on her time with her daughter and insure that her time is good, structured and positive.

                        Your friend needs a very good friend to tell her to STOP this nonsense.

                        Good Luck!
                        Tayken

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                        • #13
                          when my friend said the child was left alone ( as per her daughter's comments to her mom) at age 9, my friend called CAS and I, perhaps wrongly, advised her daughter to write down what happened. It appears, from what my friend said, that CAS hasn't been effective. He apparently has been told not to leave her alone on previous occasion. That is the dilemma:

                          call CAS, but what happens if the child is left alone again

                          i didn't realize that a child's comments are ignored on how they are treated in a home

                          my friend does promote her daughter going with dad, and doesn't talk badly about him, but tries to make things in the right light.--from what she has said

                          dad tells the daughter she is stupid etc. from her comments to her mom

                          this is sad for the child

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                          • #14
                            Instead of having teh child to write it down which can be perceived as coaching. The best way is to have your daughter go for counseling where she can share her feelings without any influence. The psychs evaluation or report would hold a hell of a lot value than daughter writing it down.

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                            • #15
                              I will suggest the children's help line--(but the child is 9 and may not have private access to a phone) and to resume counselling.

                              Comment

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