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  • Got email threaten, "no money, no access"

    I separated with her since Oct 07. She has the child. No agreement signed, not divorced yet. I have access every other weekend.

    I paid her $2000/month since separation. She has F/T job, make 40000/year.

    I asked her many times to talk about agreement but she refused to talk with me in past two years. I tried to talk about agreement in an email thread with her. I said I don't agree on the private school expenses because I literally can not afford private school.

    She wrote an email to me saying "No money, No access"

    Can i use this email as a proof of threaten in court? I am now asking for sole custody for child. Because she is not for the best interests of child, and she threaten me for blocking my access to child.

    Thanks for helping me on this issue

  • #2
    Do save all correspondance. You won't be able to use just the e-mail, but you'll be able to show her character, through a series of communication.

    Also, make sure that all your e-mails are professional and polite. She'll do the same thing if you go down to that level as well.

    For private school, usually, the judge will look at what would have happened if you would have stayed together. If you were still married, would the child go to private school? It's sometimes hard to prove, sometimes not.

    Comment


    • #3
      I highly suggest you speak with a lawyer if you haven't already.

      You can very likely use the letter as part of your affidavit in court (if it goes that far), however as the father you will be fighting an uphill battle. If you currently have access every other weekend then depending on how long you've been separated, you may have established a "status quo".

      Unless she is totally unfit as a mother and you can PROVE it (he said-she said means nothing unless you can back it up 100&#37 you will likely wind up with what you have. Judges are loath to break status quo, and even MORE reluctant to go against the mother. The deck is stacked in her favor from the get go.

      There is a table that indicates the federal guidelines floating around somewhere, typically what is considered a "fair" offer on support would be taking what you would pay her to have the children 100% of the time, then looking at what she would pay you, and splitting the difference in favor of the custodial parent. (Ie. if the guideline says you would pay 2000 a month, and that she would pay YOU 400 if the situation were reversed, then the difference in terms of support is 1600.)

      Private school is considered an "extraordinary expense", typically you will be expected to cover part of those. Education is probably the biggest category that goes into that bit. Get yourself a lawyer soonest, find out your options and get an offer together on settlement. If you've been OVERpaying her from the get-go, you may be able to make a case that you intended the extra money as part of the extraordinary expenses. Talk to a lawyer.

      Your expectations should be set accordingly, you will not get sole custody off the bat, UNLESS she's unfit and/or the child(ren) are in immediate danger.

      Editted: Because it's too early in the morning. You have what is termed an "established status quo". Your ex-partner is the custodial parent, you have access every other weekend. Unless she's a raving lunatic, or you have a VERY VERY good lawyer, you'll get that. Period. However, having a signed agreement will set out what you have to pay, as well as access. If she continually asks for more money other than what is set out in the agreement, and threatens to withhold access unless you cave in, then you can keep dragging her back to court. Eventually you'll be able to make a case that she doesn't have the child's best interests in mind because she keeps denying access based on money. It will take a while, but you will be able to eventually make a case for increased access based on that.

      Best of luck.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by NBDad View Post
        Are you separated since Oct 2007 or Oct. 07, 2009? Just wanted to clarify as it'll make a VERY big difference. I highly suggest you speak with a lawyer if you haven't already.

        You can very likely use the letter as part of your affidavit in court (if it goes that far), however as the father you will be fighting an uphill battle. If you currently have access every other weekend then depending on how long you've been separated, you may have established a "status quo".

        Unless she is totally unfit as a mother and you can PROVE it (he said-she said means nothing unless you can back it up 100%) you will likely wind up with what you have. Judges are loath to break status quo, and even MORE reluctant to go against the mother. The deck is stacked in her favor from the get go.

        There is a table that indicates the federal guidelines floating around somewhere, typically what is considered a "fair" offer on support would be taking what you would pay her to have the children 100% of the time, then looking at what she would pay you, and splitting the difference in favor of the custodial parent. (Ie. if the guideline says you would pay 2000 a month, and that she would pay YOU 400 if the situation were reversed, then the difference in terms of support is 1600.)

        Private school is considered an "extraordinary expense", typically you will be expected to cover part of those. Education is probably the biggest category that goes into that bit. Get yourself a lawyer soonest, find out your options and get an offer together on settlement. If you've been OVERpaying her from the get-go, you may be able to make a case that you intended the extra money as part of the extraordinary expenses. Talk to a lawyer.

        Your expectations should be set accordingly, you will not get sole custody off the bat, UNLESS she's unfit and/or the child(ren) are in immediate danger.

        Best of luck.
        Thank you so much.

        We separated since Oct 2007, over two years now.
        I can't afford a lawyer. I filed a simple divorce myself and i will self represent. I don't want to waste money on lawyer too. I am doing self education on the family law knowledge right now to get myself prepared.

        Comment


        • #5
          Divorce, Custody and Support are totally different things in the eyes of the law. If she refuses to discuss an agreement, your best bet is to get an official agreement done, send it to her, and then if she still refuses to speak with you, get a court date. You will probably want to get all your paperwork in order, and then book an hour or two appointment with a lawyer to have them review it with you.

          It's always a good idea to have it looked over by a lawyer, but if costs are an issue, make sure you have everything together BEFORE you go to see them.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by NBDad View Post
            Divorce, Custody and Support are totally different things in the eyes of the law. If she refuses to discuss an agreement, your best bet is to get an official agreement done, send it to her, and then if she still refuses to speak with you, get a court date. You will probably want to get all your paperwork in order, and then book an hour or two appointment with a lawyer to have them review it with you.

            It's always a good idea to have it looked over by a lawyer, but if costs are an issue, make sure you have everything together BEFORE you go to see them.
            Thanks NBDad!
            I'll do all my paperwork and get them reviewed by a lawyer.

            I did send her an official agreement after our separation. She refused to discuss it with me. Instead, we had a none official agreement in Oct 2007. She refused to talk about official agreement in past two years.

            So I filed a simple divorce last month.

            Comment


            • #7
              Maple unfortunately due to status quo being established with history of visitation you may be lookng down barrell of long drawn out custody battle........as far as being denied access that is illegal......no matter whether non custodial pays support or not they cannot be denied access......in the long run who is the custodial parent really hurting.....the child is the only one suffering in that instance.....you can use email as evidence of maliciousness but Im not sure what would come out of that

              Comment


              • #8
                Regarding your question about private school, it is a borderline issue that could be considered a section 7 expense (meaning you have to pay) or not. It would depend on if your child is special needs, and it can be truly shown with evidence that the public school system cannot meet your child's needs.

                Simply believing that a private school is "better" or will give more opportunities is not sufficient. It has to be shown to be necessary.

                Because she has threatened to withhold access if don't pay what is legally a very unreasonable amount of support, then this will colour the judge's perception of her. It won't directly decide anything, but in any situation where it is "he said/she said" you will have credibility (as long as you are reasonable, truthful and taking the high road yourself). If an issue is unclear and could go either way, it increases your odds of getting a fair deal. It won't decide any specific issue.

                You would have a very good chance of arguing for joint decision-making and guardianship. This is because she has proven to be unreliable as a co-parent and would not be guarenteed to co-operate, you can argue for legal access to school records, medical records, decision making etc. In the long run it may not amount to much, but you will be included as much as possible in your child's life.

                You can argue for more access. Probably not all the way up to 50/50 but more than you have now. You can argue that your ex has been unco-operative and that your child has suffered by not being able to fully develop a relationship with you. You can stress the type of activities you want to share with your child, ideal regular things like lessons or sports, homework, teaching her anything you happen to know. Be positive. Don't attack your ex's parenting, that looks bad on you, make a list of all the things you can bring into your child's life with more access.

                You can imply that your ex only wants full custody for financial reasons, but don't go overboard on this. The judge isn't stupid and will see this themself. Don't make it a fight about money, make it a strong argument that your child needs more regular time with you. Point out that your ex has been untrustworthy in this and denied you access if you don't pay and leave it at that.

                Point out that you and your ex would have different parenting skills and your child would benefit from being raised by both of you. Emphasise things that you bring to the parenting, the types of activities and care and teaching that you can give that your ex can't. Acknowledge that your ex also brings things of her own and that your child needs both of you.

                Your ex will look like a jerk and her behaviour will speak for itself.

                You don't have to make a big issue about child support, your ex is way out of line legally and this will sort itself out, just offer a reasonable amount close to the federal tables. The judge won't side with your ex on what she is demanding, although I suspect she will act more reasonable when filing a court response.

                Make it clear that you have gone for too long without a legal custody agreement that guarentees your access to your child and that this is why you have to take your ex to court.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Mess View Post
                  Regarding your question about private school, it is a borderline issue that could be considered a section 7 expense (meaning you have to pay) or not. It would depend on if your child is special needs, and it can be truly shown with evidence that the public school system cannot meet your child's needs.

                  Simply believing that a private school is "better" or will give more opportunities is not sufficient. It has to be shown to be necessary.

                  Because she has threatened to withhold access if don't pay what is legally a very unreasonable amount of support, then this will colour the judge's perception of her. It won't directly decide anything, but in any situation where it is "he said/she said" you will have credibility (as long as you are reasonable, truthful and taking the high road yourself). If an issue is unclear and could go either way, it increases your odds of getting a fair deal. It won't decide any specific issue.

                  You would have a very good chance of arguing for joint decision-making and guardianship. This is because she has proven to be unreliable as a co-parent and would not be guarenteed to co-operate, you can argue for legal access to school records, medical records, decision making etc. In the long run it may not amount to much, but you will be included as much as possible in your child's life.

                  You can argue for more access. Probably not all the way up to 50/50 but more than you have now. You can argue that your ex has been unco-operative and that your child has suffered by not being able to fully develop a relationship with you. You can stress the type of activities you want to share with your child, ideal regular things like lessons or sports, homework, teaching her anything you happen to know. Be positive. Don't attack your ex's parenting, that looks bad on you, make a list of all the things you can bring into your child's life with more access.

                  You can imply that your ex only wants full custody for financial reasons, but don't go overboard on this. The judge isn't stupid and will see this themself. Don't make it a fight about money, make it a strong argument that your child needs more regular time with you. Point out that your ex has been untrustworthy in this and denied you access if you don't pay and leave it at that.

                  Point out that you and your ex would have different parenting skills and your child would benefit from being raised by both of you. Emphasise things that you bring to the parenting, the types of activities and care and teaching that you can give that your ex can't. Acknowledge that your ex also brings things of her own and that your child needs both of you.

                  Your ex will look like a jerk and her behaviour will speak for itself.

                  You don't have to make a big issue about child support, your ex is way out of line legally and this will sort itself out, just offer a reasonable amount close to the federal tables. The judge won't side with your ex on what she is demanding, although I suspect she will act more reasonable when filing a court response.

                  Make it clear that you have gone for too long without a legal custody agreement that guarentees your access to your child and that this is why you have to take your ex to court.
                  Hi Mess,

                  I can't appreciate more your help!

                  I ditto every sentence in your reply.

                  The reality is my ex already file the answer with a request of $2000/month child support + $2000/month SS retroactively for 3.5 years.

                  She claimed that I agreed to pay $2000/month child support in past two years, which is not true. Table amount is $759 for CS. We don't have written agreement to proof I agreed on $2000/month child support. I paid her $2000/month for the best interests of our son.

                  Again, Thank you so much!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Doesn't even matter if you had agreed, it was not in writing and you would have been free to change your mind. (Note, I believe what you are saying, but it just doesn't matter.)

                    If she has filed asking for that much she will just plain lose, this issue is not a worry, don't stress about it. You offer a reasonable amount close to the Federal Tables and there will be no question about that.

                    Your main focus should be on improving your access, and getting your legal guardianship in writing, and as many protections as you can (she has to consult you about expenses, she can't move out of town, stuff like that.) There are many small clauses that can be included in an agreement that will help protect you.

                    Try to get to a case conference asap, the judge will write a court order spelling out an interim support amount and this will help you a lot.

                    Good luck.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Mess View Post
                      Doesn't even matter if you had agreed, it was not in writing and you would have been free to change your mind. (Note, I believe what you are saying, but it just doesn't matter.)

                      If she has filed asking for that much she will just plain lose, this issue is not a worry, don't stress about it. You offer a reasonable amount close to the Federal Tables and there will be no question about that.

                      Your main focus should be on improving your access, and getting your legal guardianship in writing, and as many protections as you can (she has to consult you about expenses, she can't move out of town, stuff like that.) There are many small clauses that can be included in an agreement that will help protect you.

                      Try to get to a case conference asap, the judge will write a court order spelling out an interim support amount and this will help you a lot.

                      Good luck.
                      Thank you again for your valuable comments!

                      I am debating myself right now to file it for sole custody in my answer to hers or 50/50.

                      The reason for the debating is as below:
                      1. My son sleeps in the living room, she sleeps with her b/f in bedroom because she has an one bedroom condo.
                      2. The public school is only 400 meters away from her house and it is very reputable public school in her residential. My house is 20 mins driving to her house. There is a very reputable public school at my residential as well.
                      3. She took our son to another country for about 6 months twice during our marriage, I have no access to my son during that time. She used a excuse saying that her mother was sick, then she took the boy to visit for 6 months.
                      4. She didn't give me access this year at least 4 times using different excuses. But I can not prove that.
                      5. Her threaten that no money no access.

                      To answer for a sole custody, I know it is very hard to justify by judge, but I am thinking from the best interests of my son.

                      Should I file for 50/50 to make judge feel that I am reasonable? Should I leave myself some room by file sole custody to negotiate with her lawyer?

                      Comment

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