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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #31  
Old 01-16-2006, 10:13 PM
Hanging On Hanging On is offline
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Dear Hubby,

By the way, your wife is nuts for letting you go, you little gem you...
  #32  
Old 01-17-2006, 03:06 AM
lostinlove lostinlove is offline
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Default My two cents

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Originally Posted by hubby
In-Law Trouble,

Let me start by saying that fundamentally, men and women are different. They are different in their communication and their needs to a fullfilling life.

You HAVE to stand your ground, show him through your ACTIONS that you mean business.

Seperation can be a good thing if space is what is needed, however, the real source of the problem are the parents, their meddling and your husbands inability to see the situation for what is really is and is doing. You can't blame him thought, we are all creatures of habit and this is precisely what is happening, he is acting out of habit and has had the time, a lifetime really to adjust to the behaviors and expectations of his parents. You have not. This is where the friction comes in.

You do have one thing going for you. You have identified WHAT the problem is, now the question is, HOW do you go about (through your actions) finding an amicable solution. You cant change the parents, you cant change your husband, however, you can change yourself and your reaction to the situation. Logicalvelocity's suggestions are sound as always -- s/he MUST be a lawyers assistant or something!

There is ALWAYS a solution to any problem, the trick is to focus on a solution as opposed to the problem.

If you are living in seperate households, start off by asking your husband to come over to your place, watch some movies, have him stay the night, a good back rub, some uh-hum ... you know, show him just how much fun it can be having your own pad and privacy.

I guess the BEST advice I can give you is to LIVE your life NOW ... with or without him. Let him see how much fun you are having and chances are ... he may join you. I don't wish to stereotype, sometimes, well, guys can be a little slow in the relationship department until some tramatic events occurs to wake them up!

Blessing to you and your husband on working this out.

Hubby
Hi,
In-law Trouble, you have given me such detailed help to my enquiry, I couldn't stay silent on this thread. My heart really goes out to you because I can just imagine how basic, yet complicated your situation is. I am picturing that perhaps you two come from different ethnic backgrounds? Is that racist?! I certainly don't mean it to be!! And I only ask because there are some cultures where this type of "excessive respect" for the parents is customary; but it shouldn't interfere with the bond that needs to exist between husband and wife. If you come from a different culture, this custom must come as a big shock! Regardless, the extent to which that "respect" is being exercised here is doing damage to everyone involved.
A marriage is fragile enough (especially in its early years) without the interference of Monster-In-Laws. They, of all people, should know better. It is your in-laws fault for not raising their son to be a strong, independant man, but now you are suffering because no doubt he is lovable in many other ways.
I agree with what Hubby said.
Your husband lacks maturity and ... well ... balls (can I say that?) Yet he must be a righteous dude in many other ways, which is why you fell in love. Now you have married him and it sounds like you want to stay married - which sounds honourable and mature on your part.
I think communication should override any acts of drama, but in this case his parents are clouding his judgement and you are not being heard. That is why I agree with Hubby that the drastic nature of moving out should shake some sense into him. Make sure he knows you are not doing it because you want to run away from him, but because you need to be away from his parents.
Inviting him to your house ... back rubs ... uninhibited romance... maybe even cooking dinner in nothing but an apron ought to open his eyes.
Bottom line is that you have tried it his way; living with ma and pa. It isn't working - hold your ground. This man has to cut the apron strings.
Best case scenario, he comes to his senses and sees that a life with you is far more fun and rewarding than living under his parents' thumb.
Worst case scenario, he can't leave the nest. In this case you will be hurt and saddened, but this man could NEVER make you happy.
I HAVE ONE HUGE CAUTION: It is not just a matter of geographically moving into a house of your own. Your husband has to re-program his way of thinking and put you as number one. Your concerns are his concerns and it is you he must stand beside and support. You must respect his parents and they must respect you and it is his responsibility to demand that from his parents. WHY? For God's sake, all hell will break loose when you have kids! I have a friend in an inter-racial marriage and the way her In-Laws treat her toddler is something she would never have predicted. You have had a peak into the possiblities...
I don't mean to be pessimistic, but it sounds like your husband is beyond realizing how unhealthy his realtionship with his parents is. It is very likely he CAN'T change. You NEED to see a counsellor. Your husband is like many others who don't understand what a counsellor could possibly say. The funny thing is, a counsellor rarely says much at all. They do, however help you stay on course with your discussion. They lead you in such a way that your concerns on both sides get heard.
My fingers are crossed for you. Keep this in mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Lostinlove
  #33  
Old 01-17-2006, 03:43 AM
lostinlove lostinlove is offline
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Default Oops!

I think I sent that last post without reading ALL of the others. The conversation went far past what I was addressing.
I didn't realize how young you both are.
In-Law Troubles, you had asked some questions about how to identify a Mama's Boy. The term is just a label slapped onto any male who is too attached to his mother (or parents). There's a whole range of degrees to how attached he might be. The danger lies in how DEPENDANT he is.
The more dependant he is, on them, the less capable he is of living his own life. His own life, in the circle of life, involves raising his own family in a capable fashion. In the circle of life parents get older, children assume more responsibilities and parents eventually die.
Your husband and you are still young and may still need to look to your parents for advice now and then, but the way you've described it, he is not ready to live on his own. Perhaps he was not mentally ready to get married.
These days people are getting married older. I'm in my early 30s and I know that I matured drastically in the past 10 years.
Know when to cut your losses and in the mean time go out and discover who you really are and what makes you really happy. The next time you become close in a romantic relationship observe how he is with his family. Does he treat them with respect? Does he love and care for them? He should. But does he LEAD his own life?!?!
You live, and you learn. Now you know what to look out for.
  #34  
Old 01-27-2006, 05:45 AM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Unhappy Hello everyone..sorry for the late post!

Hi All,

Sorry i haven't posted in a while. I guess i didn't know what 2 say. I have been going through a rough time lately dealing with my emotions. They seem 2 be all over the place. I feel really confused and disappointed concerning where my marriage is heading. It's like a part of me is not able 2 let it go. I guess that is partly because subconsciously i don't want 2. Because i still have feelings for my husband. And partly because when i look back on it, i don't see a real problem between us and our marriage, besides the fact of how the in-laws come into play.

Sometimes i wonder, if there is still a chance 2 make it work? If only i can make myself go back 2 him and try 2 find a way 2 live with the in-laws and see how it goes this time around? If things r any better, if not at least my husband would see i gave it a try, and hopefully he sticks 2 his end of the promise..that if over a couple of months or so of living with them, i find things 2 be the same, and they haven't improved for the better..he would consider moving out and being on our own. Is it a huge risk that i am trying 2 take here? I mean if worse comes 2 worse and things don't work out i still have the option 2 walk away. But at least i would be able 2 say i gave it a try. And would that make it any better knowing, than what it feels like now? Is there a chance things could possibly work out? Or am i setting myself up for a bigger fall?

Any advice, suggestions would be a great help..thanks!

In-Law Trouble
  #35  
Old 01-27-2006, 06:23 AM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Unhappy in dire need of help!

Hubby,

First of all let me apologize for my late reply! Thanks for the excellent feedback full of valuable advice as always! I totally agree with what u said, "You move forward in life by giving yourself something to move forward too". Cause one cannot live their life based on the past. If u r stuck in that place, u cannot expect 2 move forward. And i personally believe that in order 2 be able 2 move forward u need 2 replace something that is causing u all this grief and pain for something new and better, and in this case it would be another relationship. That way u r able 2 turn your focus on the, "new" thing in your life and start 2 build new goals and ambitions around it and be able 2 move on with your life.

I think when u have nothing in the present 2 replace all that hurt and pain with, u tend 2 reminisce on the past, by holding onto it with dear life. Since the future seems unknown and a new challenge from the start, it is much easier 2 try 2 remember the love, joy, comfort, security, and good times of the past relationship and want it back!

And u find yourself stuck in the dilemma of should i stay or should i leave the relationship? It's almost like your heart tells u one thing, and your mind tells u another! And so goes on the conflict of mixed feelings, like a see saw. It's like in your heart u only tend 2 recall, replay all the idealistic happy memories of the cherished good times spent together. And u find yourself wanting 2 recapture them again in your present and future life and experience the same feeling that u once did. Meanwhile, your mind is doing the practical talking and being objective and independent from any other contradictory influence. It is viewing the big picture realistically, the good along with the bad and is weighing the pros and cons of the situation.

After a while, one begins 2 ponder if it is much easier 2 go back 2 something that u already have and try 2 make it work, than 2 walk away and start afresh. I mean, why does it feel like walking away is tremendously difficult and it feels like it almost kills u in the process of doing so? It's like one day u think u will be ok, and try 2 focus on the future. Then another u find yourself back into thinking about what u will be loosing by walking away from your marriage and your partner. I personally am finding it much harder than what i originally thought it would take 2 move on, and thus contemplated getting a divorce! It has come 2 the point where i can't shake it off, and it consumes me 2 the point of keeping me awake all through the night..like it did almost a couple of weeks back now..where i wasn't able 2 get any sleep at night, for like a week straight..and my life just seemed like a total mess!

I don't know what 2 do/think about my situation and what i am currently facing. Can anyone identify with what i am going through? And how does one deal with it? I even thought of buying a couple of books on relationships/marriage and divorce, and see if they r any help! Any advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

In-Law Trouble
  #36  
Old 01-27-2006, 06:49 AM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Unhappy coping with the low's?

Hanging On,

Thanks for your feedback. It is true what u say. Going out of the house does help, but it seems like a temporary distraction. When u come back home it is all there for u 2 face again..the lonliness and your thoughts. And it is really hard 2 face every day with that weight on your heart. It seems like a long and hard road 2 recovery, and sometimes u r able 2 kind of push it in the back and u feel u r doing much better. And at other times it is 2 overwhelming and seems like it is all just 2 much 2 bare! Any ideas how 2 cope with the downtimes?

Waiting for your feedback,

In-Law Trouble
  #37  
Old 01-27-2006, 07:51 AM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Lostinlove,

First of all let me apologize for my late reply! Thanks for your feedback! Let me try 2 answer your questions as u posted them. Well, me and my husband don't come from different ethnic backgrounds. And no, i am not offended by u asking that. And i do realize that things vary from culture 2 culture, but luckily that is something we r not faced in my case..since we both belong 2 the same cultural background. Having said that, no 2 families r alike. And in this case..their seems 2 be quiet different on their ideologies, beliefs and expectations than ours is, as i have got 2 see over time. He obviously has an extreme devotion 2 his parents 2 a fault which clouds his judgment in seeing them for their true colors, instead of viewing them through rose colored glasses!

When i got married 2 him, i had never imagined that he is that emotionally dependant/influenced by his parents. I thought that over time, he would see things for himself and set boundaries accordingly. I guess i gave him more credit than he deserved! I only wish i had known this about him before i ended up getting involved with him. It seems like i married the wrong kind of guy..who seemed right in all other areas!

I guess the dilemma i am facing now is, how do i cut my losses and move on when my heart is still in it? And i want 2 be able 2 turn things around. But, i don't know how i will be able 2 achieve that with the way he is!? Is it currently possible, is there a way 2 make him see the light of the day, so that he can come onboard with me and see things through??

Looking forward 2 your feedback,

In-Law Trouble
  #38  
Old 01-27-2006, 09:51 AM
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hubby hubby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hanging On
Dear Hubby,

By the way, your wife is nuts for letting you go, you little gem you...
Hanging On,

Sometimes it is the absence that makes one become a gem in anothers eye.

Hubby
  #39  
Old 01-27-2006, 04:26 PM
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hubby hubby is offline
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In Law Trouble,

Wow. Several posts in the span of an hour, good for you, you're releasing pent up energy.

Lets dicuss the POWER of emotions vs logic. Compare LOGIC to that of a PIN and EMOTIONS to that of a SPEAR ... now, what effect do you think they would have if you were to throw them at your heart? Yeah, you guessed it. The spear would just tear ya apart, whilst the pin goes unnoticed. What you're feeling is natural and it does hurt ... but like all hurts, they go away with time.

What to do during the downtimes? This one is easy for me and I follow the best example in history. What did you think Jesus did when he was ALONE? Yep, he would pray. This would be the time he would be 'recharged' so to say ... and so it would be with you.

Should you stay or should you go? You basically answered that, you linger cause a part of you feels it can work while another part thinks it cannot. Better to go on in life knowing 'you did everything in YOUR power' to make it work ... if after a given period, no change, you can go on in life with no regrets (well, at least minimized).

There is MUCH on your heart and mind In Law Trouble ... more so today than in the last few weeks ... what is bringing on these feelings?

Hubby
  #40  
Old 12-17-2006, 03:50 PM
In-Law Trouble In-Law Trouble is offline
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Unhappy I am back here..asking for advice

Hi All,

I am revisiting this website after quiet a leave of absence. Those of u still around on this website from earlier this year, are familiar with my situation. In the past 1 year quiet a few developments took place in my life, concerning my marriage and the surrounding issues in regard of it. Let me start of by letting u know of the events that occurred towards the end of last Jan. I went back to my husband and began living with him, back in my in-laws house. It was an extremely tough decision for me 2 make, 2 decide 2 go back into that house and live among them, after everything that I went through at their expense. My husband promised me that if I felt after living for 2 -3 months in the house with my in-laws that the situation was the same, he would then move out with me.
Thus, ultimately, I finally decided 2 go ahead with the decision and see where it takes me, at the same time fighting with my fears of doing so in the process.

Initially, it appeared that I had made the right decision. It appeared as if my in-laws really did end up learning a lesson from all that happened in the course of those 5 months that we were separated and as a result seemed 2 have mended/changed their ways for all involved, especially me. As well, it seemed that my husband realized that taking me and our relationship for granted didn’t serve out 2 be a good approach in order 2 maintain the longevity of our marriage.

But as of the recent events that have taken place, I felt I had 2 get out of there because I couldn’t take it anymore. And when I told my husband how I felt and that I wanted to move out and have our own place. He straight out declined, stating that he cannot leave his father behind in his mental condition. And that moving out is and never will be an option. And if that is something I can’t live with, then that is my problem. The only option he gave me was, that he would talk 2 his father about the situation how he talks, acts with me and request him not to do it again. That did not sound 2 promising to me and wasn’t going to do much if anything to resolve the problem based on many past experiences. His father does not change his ways and what my husband was offering me as he always does is just to live with the situation, which according to him is not that bad of a situation to begin with. As a result, I called my parents over and left the house with them. I am finding myself back in the same situation as last year, where I am considering ending this marriage, because I see no potential of it working out under the circumstances. The sad part in it all this is that my husband and I don’t have any real issues/problems in our relationship, apart from his parent’s constant interferences in our life.

His father hasn’t changed much. If anything, the situation has gotten bad from worse. His father’s mental/emotional health seems 2 have been deteriorating even further than before. And as a result of all that he was going through, was affecting the way he was behaving in general and in particular towards me.

Earlier in the year, the doctor diagnosed his symptoms 2 be that of bio-polar depression. He seemed 2 develop some sort of suicidal tendencies. He would threaten to enact on his impulses, by going out on the street and calling home stating that he was going 2 lie on the street, or jump in front of oncoming traffic in an attempt to end his life. He was always unsuccessful in his attempts, which he tried more than a couple of times. It seems his actions were done to draw attention to himself and be the object of pity in everyone’s eyes, especially my husband. As a result, my husband was made to feel indispensable; that his father at any point could do imminent harm to himself without having my husband by his side all the time. Like, when my husband went to travel for a couple or days or so due to work purposes, his father would seem to have a sudden case of panic attack. And he used the same tactic when the proposition of moving out recently came up, he went on to say that he would break all relations with his son and me if we were to move out. He wouldn’t help or support us in the process or ever in life. As a result applying emotional pressure tactic on my husband, thus crippling his ability to think for himself and be able 2 make his own life decisions.

Now I am left with contemplating the decision of taking steps to end my marriage for good. Any advice on my decision and the situation would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,
In-Law Trouble
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