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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 10-30-2019, 02:21 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Originally Posted by gettingexpensive View Post
I'll chime in briefly on this one. I haven't read the full back story / your post history (but might) but..

If this is true "I am not shrink, and have no education in the matter, and Tayken will likely give me the gears for doing this, but the ex (to me) is a typical narcissist. Nothing they do is wrong, nothing you do is right.", and she is indeed somewhat of a narcissist (or cluster B personality disorder), this will be difficult for your daughter at her mom's place and she is now waking up to this. She can now see through the bullshit / smear campaign that her mom has been doing. She now slowly realizes that what she thought was "normal life at home" is not. And I'd venture to say that now that the ex cannot control you, she needs to control someone else.

Make sure your daughter doesn't mention any of this to her mom at this point because this could turn out explosive to say the least.. if there is indeed some personality disorder in there your daughter could move from being "the golden child" to "the bad child". She'll become her mom's scapegoat. She'll also be pissed of possibly losing out on child support.

As for living arrangements, I'd say look into it a bit more. Your ex will likely blame you for doing parental alienation even if it's not the case so you may have to go with OCL so your daughter's voice is heard. In the meantime, maybe try to maximize contacts and offer more visits? It would be a big move for her but may be something to consider at the end of the school year?

If there truly is a personality disorder involved, it's likely not sane for your daughter to stay there. She could end up reproducing this behavior down the road.

(background info: Wife has borderline personality disorder, kids and I are realizing how messed up this all is and the impact on their lives. they are 11 and 15..)


You should have read back and also HDs history. He has done a good job of listening and supporting his kid.

As a child of a BDP child myself, you can teach your kids how to manage and therapy is also very effective.
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  #22  
Old 10-30-2019, 04:42 PM
gettingexpensive gettingexpensive is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
You should have read back and also HDs history. He has done a good job of listening and supporting his kid.

As a child of a BDP child myself, you can teach your kids how to manage and therapy is also very effective.
Oh definitely! He seems to be doing a great job. I just wanted to be sure that he fully realizes the impact that he can have. His role as a father in this case is likely more important than he ever imagined if BPD/NPD is indeed involved.
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  #23  
Old 11-01-2019, 10:15 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Thanks. I try my best to stay supportive of my daughter, while making sure I do not bad mouth my ex. Though, my ex doesn't show the same level of respect. In reading my daughters phone there are messages from my ex say that she is "the only parent you have" to my daughter and that I am never around. Or telling her to call her "loser, el cheapo dad" because my daughter missed her school bus and the ex was upset about it messing up her morning to bring our kid to school.

Right now, I just want to give my kid a place she can come to knowing that she can relax and be a teen. Hangout with the local kids, chill upstairs or go do an activity together, I am cool with all of it. She doesn't get out much at my ex's place except for dance, so I want to have experiences that I had.

The topic didn't come up this weekend. I have a feeling it is one of those topics that will only arise when they are fighting, which according to both of them is pretty often. The ex will fight it to the bitter end should my daughter choose my place as it would be about a $2k hit to her budget (my cs of over $1k, her paying me cs and losing any tax benefit), notwithstanding the optics of it.

Should the kid bring it up again, I will let her know she has a home with me if she wants it. That I will support her no matter what though and simply go from there. This is a no pressure, no timeline type issue.

Last edited by HammerDad; 11-01-2019 at 10:19 AM.
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  #24  
Old 11-03-2019, 11:36 AM
Ana Ana Ana Ana is offline
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If I can ask, is your daughter ok with you to go through her phone?
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  #25  
Old 11-03-2019, 11:52 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by Ana Ana View Post
If I can ask, is your daughter ok with you to go through her phone?


My children donít have a choice. They are not adults and therefore we will always check through their phones and social media. Itís about keeping children safe.


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  #26  
Old 11-03-2019, 12:25 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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Hmmm, I checked my childrenís phones/emails/social media when they were young to help indentify bullying and relationship power imbalances they may not have been able to articulate to me. I used it as an apportunity to have discussions about risk assessment, relationships, boundaries, healthy communication, what to say when someone you love says something negative about someone else you love etc (unfortunately there are a couple lose-cannon personality disordered individuals in my family). But a 15 year old deserves privacy (she is old enough to give consent to medical procedures so the law also recognizes maturity at 14).

If your concern is safety, you should not be reading her private txts between her and her mother - if you have serious concerns about her safety with her mother you should be calling CAS/the police.

Reading the txts is just prolonging the conflict between you and your co-parent and inserting your daughter in the middle. She is clearly learning to just ďgo along to get alongĒ with both of you (completely disempowering her) and this WILL have lasting damage on your relationship once she is no longer financially/emotionally dependent on you.

This may have been motivated by wanting to protect her, but going through a 15 year olds txts (with or without her coerced permission) is controlling behaviour.

Last edited by tilt; 11-03-2019 at 12:28 PM.
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  #27  
Old 11-03-2019, 12:30 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Hmmm, I checked my childrenís phones/emails/social media when they were young to help indentify bullying and power imbalances they may not have been able to articulate to me. I used it as an apportioning to have division about risk assessment etc. But a 15 year old deserves privacy (she is old enough to give consent to medical procedures so the law also recognizes maturity at 14).



If your concern is safety, you should not be reading her private txts between her and her mother - if you have serious concerns about her safety with her mother you should be calling CAS/the police.



Reading the txts is just prolonging the conflict between you and your co-parent and inserting your daughter in the middle. She is clearly learning to just go along to her along with both of you (completely disempowering her) and this WILL have lasting damage on your relationship once she is no longer financially/emotionally dependent on you.



This may have been motivated by wanting to protect her, but going through a 15 year olds txts (with or without her coerced permission) is controlling behaviour.


Still disagree... how many 15/16/17 year olds end up in the sex trade or wrapped up in illegal behaviour? They cannot get a cell phone in their own name until they are an adult, social media dictates a minimum age for use, until they are an adult I will always monitor what they do. And yes even skimming texts that appear to be to/from the other parent... you know how easy it is to change a name of a contact? If my children donít like the rules, well then they donít get their cell phones, social media, email, etc.


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  #28  
Old 11-03-2019, 12:56 PM
tilt tilt is offline
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Yep, iíve worked with teens that entered the sex trade; in a majority of cases the parents are either too controlling or completely lax. You cannot expect that by invading a teens privacy at 15/16/17 and then suddenly they can adult (and have full privacy) at 18 and make good choices. You can have conversations about relationships and communication where you listen, really listen, in a non-judgemental way, to their concerns and guide them as a parent without violating their privacy. Disempowerment and learned helplessness in teens makes for unhealthy adults that fall into controlling relationships (usually where the partner is ALSO monitoring the txts and social media - see the repetition of the pattern?)
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  #29  
Old 11-03-2019, 02:36 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Yep, iíve worked with teens that entered the sex trade; in a majority of cases the parents are either too controlling or completely lax. You cannot expect that by invading a teens privacy at 15/16/17 and then suddenly they can adult (and have full privacy) at 18 and make good choices. You can have conversations about relationships and communication where you listen, really listen, in a non-judgemental way, to their concerns and guide them as a parent without violating their privacy. Disempowerment and learned helplessness in teens makes for unhealthy adults that fall into controlling relationships (usually where the partner is ALSO monitoring the txts and social media - see the repetition of the pattern?)


It is not invading a teens privacy to make sure they are safe. You cannot have conversations if you donít know situations are happening. You parent your way, but Iíll continue monitor my childrenís cell phones and social media accounts. You can have conversations until youíre blue in the face but those who groom children/teens know how to do it without making them feel like anything is wrong. Sorry but I still disagree.


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  #30  
Old 11-04-2019, 10:08 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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My daughter doesn't know I am looking, but she does know her mother checks her phone regularly (including conversations between D and I). I check for both safety reasons and simply for info. I can't try to fix what I don't know about.

I don't let me daughter know that I know what is being said. I don't bring it up with the ex or let it create extra friction. This is simply information gathering and enlightening myself to what is being said. I am not one to get upset, by it helps me with my D to know why she may be upset.
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