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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 11-22-2019, 07:03 PM
ele110 ele110 is offline
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Default Coparenting teen boy computer time marks dropping

Grade 9 boy smart kid but marks are going down. He spends an awful lot of time playing on the computer, does not do homework or study much, lies about it. I have tried to approach the situation in a reasonable way by talking however this is not enough. I would like to help him by limiting internet access and computer time.

However OP lets him do whatever he wants, no consequences on anything. The attitude is "let him hit the bottom all on his own and he will understand". Hands off parent always has been. I don't agree with this. Some kids need boundaries in order to be successful.

So when I am strict, the kid simply walks out and goes to the OP and continues doing what he wants. OP will not help except some yeah yeah" sort of talk.

I am very concerned and would love to hear from anyone experiencing the same.
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2019, 09:59 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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hmmm...this is tough. you obviously understand that "dad's parenting time. dad's rule".

are you worried if you come down too hard- your son will jump ship to dad's house?

is there someone older- like a cousin or uncle/aunt who your son respects- that's neutral between you and your ex- that can talk to your son?
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Old 11-23-2019, 11:11 AM
ele110 ele110 is offline
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Yes I am very worried about 'jumping ship". So far we have 50/50 and I wish to keep it this way.
Good advise about aunts and uncles.
However, extended family is all overseas which makes it a little difficult. There is one older sibling (adult) who tries to talk to him. I think I will meet with the kid and the VP(and OP, but this is unlikely) to discuss. In this situation kid needs to have his motivation come from within.
Difficult for some kids as the attraction to computer games is so strong.
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Old 12-01-2019, 06:26 AM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ele110 View Post
Yes I am very worried about 'jumping ship". So far we have 50/50 and I wish to keep it this way.
Unfortunately, this is a very strong possibility and the stats don't weigh in your favour. The lenient parent in a single child situation like this will generally get the child to vote with their feet.

Especially when it is a son and the father is playing the cards correctly for it to happen. Especially if the parent playing the game is the one paying offset child support.

You want the games to end and remain 50-50 stop accepting the offset child support and never bring it up again. Hate to say it but, money is the biggest motivator for this kind of stuff.

The older sibling will not have an impact. If there was a younger sibling going back and forth with the child in question these situations rarely play out. But, the older sibling is out of view, out of the child support situation and the other parent is playing a quiet game. They possibly have tasted what not having to pay child support is like and are silently using freedom to play the game to get to that point 4-5 years earlier.

What the other parent is doing is not unreasonable. It isn't the best parenting but, it isn't "dangerous" parenting. Often parents that try to control the situation at the other parent's house loses and the child votes with their feet.

If you both live close enough for the child to walk (or take the bus) to either property they will start going to the other parent's home where there is more freedom. Then walk over to your place at night before bed so they sleep at your house. Then they will start calling to say they are just staying at the other parents for the night. More often and until you just accept it. Then the notice to end child support will show up possibly.

Very common. Most boys in a 50-50 by the age of 14-15 end up living with their father for the majority of the time. I posted this study a while back on the site.

My recommendation is to lax some of the rules at your house. The other parent is going to loosen grip to demonstrate more freedom which will be enticing to a teenager.

It isn't about video games. It is about freedom. Feeling like an adult. Getting to decide how to use their own personal time. At best you can try to teach the child management but, enforcement of time management, restricting freedom often ends up with the child moving to the parent who has the laxest rules.

This is where 50-50 gets complicated.
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Old 12-02-2019, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Very common. Most boys in a 50-50 by the age of 14-15 end up living with their father for the majority of the time. I posted this study a while back on the site.
Interesting... What does the study say about girls in shared parenting?
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Old 12-02-2019, 07:17 PM
cranberry cranberry is offline
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This very scenario happened with my eldest son. He did not like the rules at my house and decided the grass was greener. Obviously, I was devastated but chose not to makes things worse between my son and myself, so I let him go. He was 14. Thankfully, we survived the switch and our relationship is strong.

Oddly enough, my 2nd son did the opposite. His dad came down on him hard because he was not the most studious kid (his older brother is one of those who just soaks up information and never forgets). He came to live with me permanently when he was 14.

I have been through both scenarios and it sucks either way. I let one kid go but then had to make sure the other maintained a healthy relationship with his dad. I am not sure what to tell you other than focus on your child and not your ex. If that means relaxing your rules a bit, I would agree with Tayken and do so. You don't want to know how it feels for your child to leave you.
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