Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-13-2015, 11:30 PM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 244
YoungDad23 is on a distinguished road
Default Explaining Mommy's House/Daddy's House to a 2 Yr Old

Toddler son recently turned 2. I can tell he's trying to figure out his world and the routine of going back and forth between his mom and I for parenting time.

He is doing well at pick ups and drop offs at his mom's house. He's excited to see me and comfortably leaves mom after a kiss and hug from her. On return he is happy to see her and I get a kiss, a hug and a happy bye bye Daddy from him.

His verbal skills have really come along in the last few weeks and he has started asking to "go Mommy's house" in the late afternoons. I'm struggling to explain it in terms he will understand, especially when he is going to be with me overnight and won't see mommy until the next day.

Currently I have S2 in my care one weekday 9-5, one weekend is Sunday morning to Monday morning and the next weekend Saturday morning to Monday morning. This has been the routine for several months.

My mom (grandma) has encouraged me to get down to his eye level and calmly and cheerfully explain in age appropriate terms that he will see mommy soon but for now we will be having supper at my house, he will have his bath after dinner and sleep in his crib at Daddy's house and that when he wakes up in the morning, we will have breakfast and then he will go to Mommy's house.

I had to have this talk with him several times this evening as he was getting more insistent on "go Mommy's house". In the end, he ate his dinner fine, enjoyed his bath and went to bed without a fuss

I don't know how much of his asking is that he is missing his mommy or if it is partly because he is confused by the different amounts of time he spends with me. He doesn't know the days of the week or the difference between one overnight or two but I want to reassure him and keep him feeling secure.

Would appreciate any suggestions on how to handle his requests for his mommy and how I can help him understand the concept of tomorrow.

Thanks for any advice on how to reassure S2 and keep it age appropriate.

Last edited by YoungDad23; 09-13-2015 at 11:32 PM. Reason: spelling
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-14-2015, 12:49 AM
blinkandimgone's Avatar
blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Lucknow
Posts: 5,406
blinkandimgone is a jewel in the roughblinkandimgone is a jewel in the roughblinkandimgone is a jewel in the rough
Default

Best thing for kids that age is distraction. "yup! You're going to mommy's house tomorrow. Let's go play with cars!" and leave it at that. he's at an age where he's not only learning things like having two homes because of your situation but typical things like patience and not always getting everything they want or right now.

There are lots of great resources for parenting young kids and toddlers through divorce and separation, books and even a therapist could help you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-14-2015, 10:37 AM
Links17 Links17 is offline
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,166
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

I agree distraction is key.

Eventually he will become emotionally numb to your guys presence because it is too painful to always miss one parent or the other but he will survive.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-14-2015, 10:43 AM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 244
YoungDad23 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks blink, great suggestions.

I've been deflecting and distracting him for a while now with toys etc. when he asks for mommy. It's just gotten harder (and more heart tugging) now he can put sentences together and remembers longer.

My ex and I broke up long before S2 was born and I wasn't allowed to be part of his life in the first few months, so he has no memories of us being together.

My mom (his grandma) told me that he will likely get more insistent and upset about wanting mommy as he gets a bit older and I want to have some tools for helping him (and me) cope.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-14-2015, 11:29 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,739
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

He will be ok. Hes two. And really much of your concern is over your feelings about everything. This is his routine no different than going to a day care. Kids are attached to their mommies. My nephew lost his mind while mommy was in the shower at my house yet at his house he forgot all day while she was at work and he was with me. At daycare hes sad when mommy leaves but fine all day. Unless he gets hurt or upset then he wants mommy. Just continue to show him affection and distract him and stop letting his requests for mommy get to you. He will understand the different houses and enjoy being with mommy and daddy. This isnt your ex alienating him or making him love her more than you. Kids that are this young associate with one parent (normally mommy) more than the other. Even in intact families, mommy is closer than daddy because of the bonding and breast feeding etc. dont let it get to you.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-14-2015, 12:37 PM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 244
YoungDad23 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thx links & rockscan.

I don't have a problem with S2 missing mom while he is with me, I know that's normal, especially when kids are young.

I guess I have some guilt and sad feelings that he will grow up going back and forth between his mom and I. I never wanted that for my child.

My parents split up when I was 8 and although they co-parented my brothers and I afterwards, it wasn't the same as having my dad around every day.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-14-2015, 12:58 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,161
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Red face

Hi YD

I agree that it will be confusing because it is never the same amount of time. Small children need many reminders. Don't be worried if he forgets and asks you a hundred times.

I would suggest a very simple "visual calendar". Let me explain.

Take/print or draw a picture of four things (keep them small -maybe 2 x 2)

A picture of his crib (print two or three of these)
A picture of Mom
A picture of the bath
A picture of the car

Keep it very very simple.

When he asks show him what will happen. Keep it to two or three sentences while pointing to the picture. "After dinner, we go to bed and then see Mom. "

Simplify it more on repeat times. "Night night and then see Mommy"

At bed time show him again. In the morning, take the crib pic away. "Night night is all done. mommy now." Or whatever he is capable of understanding but simple!

When you have two nights, put the pictures in order bath crib bath crib mommy. Take them down as they're finished, explaining as you go. This will give the child a concrete representation of time passing and will also allow him to know what to expect about what's coming up. If he naps during the day, don't forget to include a picture of the nap and one for nighttime. Sleeping is a very concrete thing for kids. It will help him to know what's going on.

I'm answering on my phone during my break. Excuse any typos!

If you have any other questions or if I'm unclear just leave me a post. I'd be happy to clarify. Hope this helps.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-14-2015, 01:00 PM
SadAndTired SadAndTired is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,161
SadAndTired is on a distinguished road
Default

By the way, the "calendar" should be at his visual level but not for him to play with. He can take the pictures down as the events are done though.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-14-2015, 02:33 PM
YoungDad23 YoungDad23 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 244
YoungDad23 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thx S&T, that is a nice age appropriate way for me to explain time to S2 going forward.

I will definitely be making him a picture calendar so he can see his schedule when he is with me. He is a logical and visual kid (for a 2 yr old) and I think it will help him (and me) just stick to the sequence of what comes next.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-14-2015, 03:51 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,739
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default Explaining Mommy's House/Daddy's House to a 2 Yr Old

Im not a parent so I dont understand the guilt of things. My sister feels super guilty going to work full time or speaking sharply to her kids when they misbehave etc. When she does I try to explain to her that our parents didnt feel guilt at all for screwing us up when they split (and got back together and split again ad nauseum) nor do they feel guilty for what our lives were like and how tough it was. Life sometimes isnt all roses and unicorns. Your son wont know any different from moms house and dads house because that is his reality and he will fall into a schedule where he will learn where he will be from one day to the next. What he will remember are the harsh words against his parents, the fighting if there is any, the mean spirits etc. those things have stayed with me and I have a better understanding as an adult. Fill your sons' life with love and he will feel it and have that normalcy. He is surrounded by people who want his utmost happiness. You are a good parent and he will know that as he gets older. Spend your time showering that on him rather than beating yourself up. You didnt start your adult life wanting to have a split family anymore than you want him to be unhappy. He wont know any better unless he learns it.

I should also note that the only thing I wish had been different growing up was that my parents were adults and disnt drag us into their bs. It was hard enough growing up incredibly poor and doing everything for ourselves but having one parent say "this is all their fault" and the other pointing back at their ex wasnt helping matters. I dont even get upset about growing up poor or having to work for what I have. Its made me a strong compassionate tough hard working and patient person. My partner feels bad about what his kids went through but I point out to him how I survived and I have less than they do. Kids are resilient!

Last edited by rockscan; 09-14-2015 at 03:55 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
what do I do with my house?? jupiter_saturn Financial Issues 5 03-16-2010 01:46 PM
Getting possesion of my house Max22258 Common Law Issues 5 07-08-2009 07:46 PM
Looks like I'll lose the house now, too! sasha1 Divorce & Family Law 12 06-28-2009 12:14 AM
Selling the House Spankie111 Divorce & Family Law 4 03-24-2009 12:02 AM
Separated but in the same house. Springheeled Jack Divorce Support 7 05-12-2006 10:16 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:53 AM.