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  • Recanting my statement - a bit

    My wife was arrested for multiple counts of attacks on me. I reported those attacks and the police framed it making me the victim

    My kids are very much missing their mother and I feel so agononized to se her pain.
    She is apologetic too
    I do have a bit of serious injury marls from one of her previous attacks.

    When reporting to detectives under oath I reported one attack that caused me this injury mark

    I want to recant that and make it an accident instead of a real attack. It may have been an accident in reality as she always maintained that she never wanted to hurt me and it was just a wrong push at wrong time that made me get hurt by the sharp object
    For my kids sake, i want to do this recanting so as to avoid any serious charge on her but do not want a cross charge on myself for changing or atleast twisting
    Please advise if this is recommendable , esp if this is not a big deal

  • #2


    this is the cycle of abuse. look at it. read it.

    read it again.


    then read it again.


    that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach- that's recognition.


    do not recant your statement.

    You doing that does a huge disservice to your children.

    People who abuse their partner- will almost always eventually turn their abuse to their children.

    Comment


    • #3
      See above, Iona said it better.
      Last edited by Janus; 06-25-2019, 11:04 AM. Reason: Iona said it better

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Janus View Post
        Sounds suspiciously like divorceakai...



        Look, I never suffered physical abuse, so I admit I don't know how it goes, but does it really screw with your head this badly?
        Yes. Those around you- and esp. people who love you and know the situation get angry at you. Sometimes interventions help. Sometimes they don't.

        Does this guy actually seriously believe that he is helping his kids by letting their mom getting away with an assault? Is this some variant of Stockholm Syndrome or something?
        People who haven't been in abusive relationships sometimes don't realize that the abuser isn't always bad all of the time. There's a reason you fall in love with the person in the first place. They can be charming- they can be a lovely person actually. My ex was funny- and at the beginning did really sweet things. He is social and has a ton of friends.

        Also- abusers need victims. It's like the perfect storm- there is often huge underlying issues with the victim/ co-dependent...there are definitely self-esteem issues. There is often a history with violence.

        I know it blows your mind- why does someone stay in a situation like this. There are SO many reasons.

        To the OP- I know how hard it must be to have two your kids- the idea of raising them solo probably seems daunting and terrible and just down right shitty. BUT..

        here's the big BUT


        Ask yourself- do you want your girls to have the same thing happen to them?

        Loook at your daughters- do you want someone to threaten them? To physically assault them to the point where they need stitches and are scarred for life?


        Jinnee/Akai/whatever:

        Stop this crap. You need a therapist and holy god almighty you need it right now. You are about to make some serious mistakes. Are you employed? Do you have access to any benefits? Is there any third party you can talk to? Maybe even call a women's shelter and ask them if they have contacts for a male version.

        My recommendation is to tell the truth. Read what saddle wrote in that other thread, your wife will be fine, your kids will be fine. If you lie to the detectives, you are hurting your kids.
        This.

        Your wife will be fine.

        Your kids will be fine.


        My ex is in therapy. He was charged and got a plea deal. He served no time, and he won't have a record. But he was asked to take responsibility for his actions.

        He still has a great relationship with our daughter.

        She is fine. Kids are adaptable. As long as they're loved and safe, they will be fine.

        Do you have anyone in your life who can help you? Parents? Friends?

        Comment


        • #5
          You do realize that police make determinations on laying charges too. Its not just your statement that does it. Which means that if you had a “serious injury” from a “previous assault” they are basing laying charges on a history of violence and proof of the assault.

          Give your head a shake. Your children are being raised by a person who has no qualms about PHYSICAL VIOLENCE toward another person. Think about that. Think about her interactions with others. Will she assault another parent at an event? Another family member? YOUR CHILDREN?

          Your kids need a mother who is able to function without violence and this may be the bridge to the therapy/training/punishment to make her that person.

          Get some therapy buddy. Do it now. See the victims of abuse info, talk to your family doctor, call family services...whatever it takes to get yourself in a better headspace.

          Recanting about someone who has used violence against you is not the answer.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
            Yes. Those around you- and esp. people who love you and know the situation get angry at you. Sometimes interventions help. Sometimes they don't.

            People who haven't been in abusive relationships sometimes don't realize that the abuser isn't always bad all of the time. There's a reason you fall in love with the person in the first place. They can be charming- they can be a lovely person actually. My ex was funny- and at the beginning did really sweet things. He is social and has a ton of friends.

            Also- abusers need victims. It's like the perfect storm- there is often huge underlying issues with the victim/ co-dependent...there are definitely self-esteem issues. There is often a history with violence.

            I know it blows your mind- why does someone stay in a situation like this. There are SO many reasons.

            To the OP- I know how hard it must be to have two your kids- the idea of raising them solo probably seems daunting and terrible and just down right shitty. BUT..

            here's the big BUT


            Ask yourself- do you want your girls to have the same thing happen to them?

            Loook at your daughters- do you want someone to threaten them? To physically assault them to the point where they need stitches and are scarred for life?




            This.

            Your wife will be fine.

            Your kids will be fine.


            My ex is in therapy. He was charged and got a plea deal. He served no time, and he won't have a record. But he was asked to take responsibility for his actions.

            He still has a great relationship with our daughter.

            She is fine. Kids are adaptable. As long as they're loved and safe, they will be fine.

            Do you have anyone in your life who can help you? Parents? Friends?
            Thanks for the valuable advise
            My spouse is ready for the therapies to control her anger. Now what's for me? Want to give her one last chance or apply for divorce.
            Did u apply for one? Did ur partner lost custody rights?

            Comment


            • #7
              She still shouldnt be around you or the children. I would suggest a trial separation with full custody to you and supervised access. Were there not bail conditions on her release?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                She still shouldnt be around you or the children. I would suggest a trial separation with full custody to you and supervised access. Were there not bail conditions on her release?
                Was she violent towards the children? I must missed that post.
                Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

                Comment


                • #9
                  It wasn’t made clear but I was more concerned that she was charged with assault. If it was a man they would be removed from the home and have supervised access. Why is it different for a woman?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    It is now recognised that children witnessing domestic violence (especially by a dominant partner towards an obviously more weaker partner) is more traumatizing than being victims of abuse themselves - it makes th children feel disempowered, angry, sad, frightened, and destabilized. So even if the parent never directs their anger/control towards the children directly, the children are still victems of abuse. I believe this is actually spelled out in the latest legislation.

                    Something that is rarely brought up but is very much true in my experience is that the person being abused often uses abusive behaviour on weaker people around them to lessen the original abuse victem’s own chances of a new cycle beginning. So, an abused parent will “train” their children to hide their emotions to avoid angering the abusive parent, or borrow significant sums of money from people who can’t afford to lend it to give to the abuser to “keep the peace”, or tell the children to not tell anyone about what is happening at home or else “CAS will take you away”. Basically, putting their own wants before the children’s needs.

                    It is a complex, shitty situation and our woeful social supports/over-reliance on a poorly funded justice system contribute to the perpetuation of the problem.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Recanting my statement - a bit

                      Originally posted by Jinneebhat View Post
                      Thanks for the valuable advise

                      My spouse is ready for the therapies to control her anger. Now what's for me? Want to give her one last chance or apply for divorce.

                      Did u apply for one? Did ur partner lost custody rights?


                      For you? Therapy.

                      My ex actually filed the application for divorce first because he wanted to see our daughter right away - and he could only do that through a family court order because of his bail conditions.

                      If he hadn’t - yes, I would’ve filed for divorce.

                      As tilt said witnessing domestic violence can be worse for kids than being a victim. It’s heartbreaking for me to admit- but I know it affected my daughter. If anyone is speaking in raised voices- not yelling, even just debating- she runs up to them and pleads with them to stop. If my parents speak in a harsh tone to me- she clings to me and cries. She was 12-17 months when she witnessed the worst of it. If I feel anxious- it will transfer to her.

                      Beyond filing for divorce- seek therapy for yourself and for your kids if they’re old enough.

                      My ex did not lose custody rights. I continue to work with him because he says he wants to be a good dad- and that’s his right as her father. He’s an asshole, but as long as he’s not an abusive asshole I don’t know I have much of a say.

                      But know this- if she was physically abusive to you...I’m guessing she was really emotionally abusive and manipulative. She probably made you feel that you brought it on yourself, etc etc. Co-parenting with someone like that is NOT possible. Parallel is I think. It’s because you do not need to be forced to try to get along with your abuser. Don’t do it. Just my personal experience.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Such amazing and spot on advice. I agree with all if it. It triggered memories of my own situation. Do not recant your statement. You should not be trying to help your wife right now. Your ex will throw you under the bus if she could. Help yourself and your kids. They rely on YOU to keep them safe. Yes, it sucks when you have to keep them safe from their mother. And, recanting will bring the spotlight on you. Do you want authorities to question your mental health? To question your ability to protect your kids? I'm seeing a CAS file opening up. You don't want any of that.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Helpmyspouse View Post
                          And, recanting will bring the spotlight on you. Do you want authorities to question your mental health? To question your ability to protect your kids? I'm seeing a CAS file opening up. You don't want any of that.
                          really good advice there.

                          I remember the CAS worker who interviewed me after my separation- asked me at least 3-4x whether I would consider reconciling with my ex. I think if I had said yes, they probably would've considered whether I should even be making decisions for our daughter.

                          The CAS report that was forwarded to our OCL caseworker specifically said that the reason they were closing our file was because the mother indicated that reconciliation was not an option so they felt D2 was safe.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                            The CAS report that was forwarded to our OCL caseworker specifically said that the reason they were closing our file was because the mother indicated that reconciliation was not an option so they felt D2 was safe.
                            Ha so that's how it works. If one of the parent is "sound" and protects the kids, they close the file. It happened to be. I was baffled.

                            Comment

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