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  • Need help - child support options?

    My husband and I have been separated since April of this year, are still living in the house together with our kids aged two and five and have been going through mediation. Last Wednesday we were given a document to review with regards to the valuation of our assets. We had already agreed to leave our pensions out of the equation but in the interests of disclosure the mediator provided us with two documents, one valuation without pensions and the other with. As it turns out, if pensions were included then my husband would have to pay me an extra 16k but I said that I didn’t want it as I will have a decent pension when I collect it.

    I had proposed a parenting plan in early May that where they would be in my husband’s care every Wednesday for dinner and every other weekend from Friday night until he dropped them off at daycare on Monday morning. When I asked whether this was ok, his answer was that it would depend on how much child support he had to pay. I understand that it is common in some marriages for one party to do more of the parenting than the other and in our marriage it has been me and the parenting schedule that I proposed would actually have him more involved in the kids’ lives than he has been thus far. I have also stated that I could see a 50/50 split as the kids got a little older. I have been documenting his involvement with the kids for the last few months and it’s pretty dismal, i.e., in a month he may have bathed them once or twice and put them to bed one time, made one meal and taken them to and from daycare 5 times even though he has been sitting at home for the last year awaiting his release from the military. So, during the mediation session my husband said that he was not willing to pay the amount suggested by the mediator which is several hundred dollars less than what the child support guidelines state and he’s not willing to pay a set amount every month. He’s also said that he doesn’t need to have the kids 50% of the time and that he’s comfortable with a 65/35 split but he will fight for 50% custody in order to not have to pay child support. I don’t believe that 50/50 custody is in the interests of the kids at this point given the status quo and I don’t feel that I should have to submit him a bill at the end of every month and expect that he’ll pay it but I really don’t want to go to court either. I have thought about just accepting the valuation amount and going without child support and it would be possible but tight. Does anyone know of a different option for paying kids’ expenses etc? Today my husband basically threatened to throw out all the hard work we have done thus far in mediation and not buy me out of the house as previously agreed upon until we can get child custody and support resolved. I am feeling incredibly frustrated and sad and will seek independent counsel but if someone has viable alternatives for child support I’m all ears.

    Thanks.

  • #2
    He’s also said that he doesn’t need to have the kids 50% of the time and that he’s comfortable with a 65/35 split but he will fight for 50% custody in order to not have to pay child support.
    50-50 would allow you to use the offset method. The only time that would allow him to NOT pay support is if the both of you make the same amount of money.

    I don’t feel that I should have to submit him a bill at the end of every month and expect that he’ll pay it but I really don’t want to go to court either.
    Standard would be to have a set amount paid each month, and automatically recalculate in July of each year, based on the prior years income tax assessment line 150. If he's not working, you should be pushing to have an income imputted for him based on his experience/etc.


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    • #3
      CMG, let me share something with you from our experience. My husband and his son's mother were never together, and when their son was born they decided to try to reach a custody and support agreement through mediation instead of going to court. They attended mediation for 1-2 hours every other week... worked with 3 different mediators (the last being a high-conflict mediator) and after 2 years, were worse off than had they settled it in court from the day their son was born. The reason for this was because they simply could not come to an agreement, despite the mediator's suggestions. (My husband wanted to abide by family law guidelines, my stepson's mother wanted more than the guidelines obligated my husband to provide.) In the end, mediation was nothing more than a huge waste of time that only caused their parenting relationship to worsen due to the constant arguments taking place in and outside of mediation.

      If you realize that you and your husband cannot see eye-to-eye and will not be able to compromise and come to reasonable agreements (according to family law guidelines) I strongly suggest you let a judge decide what is right and fair. Your custody/access proposal is the norm for patents who don't have (or aren't able to have due to work schedules or distance) shared 50-50 custody. Given this access, your husband will have the children for 35% of the time and will be obligated to pay the full table amount in child support. That is the norm, that is the law.

      I really wouldn't want for you to waste your time and ruin any co-parenting relationship you may have by spending your time arguing with your husband in front of a mediator who can do nothing more than listen and make suggestions.

      If you truly want to stay out of court and want to reach an agreement with the help of a knowledgeable third party, I strongly suggest arbitration. An arbitrator works with you like a mediator dies, but has the power to put your agreement into an order.

      Good luck!

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      • #4
        He HAS to pay if you have the kids 65% of the time. You can agree to less, but if you go to court the law will be enforced.

        Ask your mediator to explain the LAW to both of you. If you want to work this out amicable, they you need to be informed of what court really means!

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        • #5
          Thanks everyone. NB Dad. We currently make around the same salary so there would be no offset in a 50/50 situation. His salary will drop once he's actually retired from the military but he's only 42 and should have no problem finding a job if he actually wanted to work. His skills are easily transferrable to the private sector or even within the public service.

          The problem as I see it as that he hasn't parented 50/50 thus far, nowhere near that in fact and only wants 50/50 in order to avoid child support. Our mediator has already advised each of us to seek independent counsel to ascertain our risk should we go to court and I will do that.
          I have done a fair amount of research and feel reasonably confident that a court would not award 50/50 based on his involvement thus far but my husband believes he would be and one the one hand doesn't believe he needs to seek legal counsel to determine his risk and get advice but on the other hand is threatening to hold me over a barrel with what we've already negotiated, which is in his favour! I suggested today that we have the mediator draft something whereby the house could be transferred to him so that we can at least get out of each other's space and work on the custody/CS separately but now he's saying he won't agree to do that and to make matters worse he rented out the basement to another military member in anticipation of the kids and I being out of the house but of course we aren't and the guy is moving in this Saturday. I honestly feel trapped.

          Comment


          • #6
            It seems that your husband is playing some spiteful games. I would retain legal counsel and file a motion for divorce, especially custody and support. As for the house, it most situations the parent who has the kids most of the time remains in the matrimonial home... however it would be much easier to sell the house and split the profit equally. But, if that's not possible and you prefer to remain in the home, then make sure you have it written in the order that in 10 years (or however many you want) you will sell the home and split the profit with him.

            Either way, it seems that your husband strongly believes that he can shun his legal obligations to his children and escape his responsibilities (i.e. child support). If this is the way he is acting now... I can only imagine that it will get worse, and worse, and worse over time.

            Simply file a motion for divorce. Be fair. Perhaps include what you have already agreed to (if it's reasonable) and don't agree to any less than the word of the law in terms of child support.

            I really don't understand parents who refuse to pay child support. That is one thing my husband never argued about. He always agreed to pay the table amount and his proportionate share of extraordinary expenses. That - to us at least - was never an issue. (To my stepson's mother, it was, as she wanted more money than she was entitled to legally.)

            I hope you can get a speedy court order... as it's in all of your best interests to not drag this out longer than absolutely necessary.

            Comment

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