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Common Law Issues The law regarding common law relationships is different than in cases of divorce. Discuss the issues that affect unmarried couples here.

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  #11  
Old 10-01-2010, 04:39 PM
sad_dad sad_dad is offline
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Thanks for the reinforcing words everyone.

Right now there's nothing I can do, I have to wait until Monday. The calls from her mom are still coming in and I'm being asked when I will bring the kids to her. I don't know what to say here.
  #12  
Old 10-01-2010, 04:51 PM
lumpy lumpy is offline
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Absolutely not. Do not take them to her under any circumstances. She was arrested for assaulting you last night. You would be putting yourself and your children in danger by taking them to her.
  #13  
Old 10-01-2010, 07:18 PM
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Tell her parents that you feel more comfortable keeping the kids as you will wait for her day in court.
  #14  
Old 10-01-2010, 07:20 PM
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If you were female, or hearing about the abuse, would you think differently? Male or female, abuse is abuse. Period. And kids should not be subjected to that. It is in their best interest to stay away and stay safe, and stay away from any negative comments about you her family may be throwing about!

As a parent, always think first of your kids, second of your spouse
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Old 10-01-2010, 08:21 PM
sad_dad sad_dad is offline
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They told me that they will be coming up Sunday to pick the kids up.

The way I see it is if I deny access to them then that looks really bad on my part.

She has never been violent towards the kids...

The truth is I don't have the means to have the kids cared for during the week. I cannot afford any day care, and having my parents come up is not sufficient - the best interest of the kids is to be cared for by her. The few times they have been babysat by ma and pa there have been issues

From what the detective has told me her best shot and plan is to seek councelling proactively and make this a peace bond rather than go to court. That makes sense to me, and is all I've wanted from the beginning - for her to seek help on this matter.

So my thoughts are, go along with the week/weekend split (I pick up Friday, they pick up Sunday, shared distance driving) and at the first sign of foul play or indication that she is trying for custody I seek the order. Is this reasonable? I am trying to balance hoping for the best (councelling + repaired relationship) while preparing for the worst (separation and custody battle).
  #16  
Old 10-01-2010, 10:53 PM
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Since you were not married, you need to get an order that names you as a parent. Often even though you and the mother lived together, upon a separation of common law parents, the courts do not give the father any rights to the child.

As others have said you need to protect yourself and the children from abuse.
Tell the mother in law that she can have visitation of the children, but it must be supervised. Do not let the mother in law have the kids, or you will spend the next 18 years trying to get your rights to your kids back.
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Old 10-02-2010, 03:33 PM
Pharah Pharah is offline
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As the friend that sad_dad was referring to in the beginning of this thread, thank you all for your comments and recommendations. My advise stands as to not give accesss of the children to his ex until there is a restraining order and temporary order has been served that stipulates the kids residence, custody and access.

Please let me know if I am off base here?
  #18  
Old 10-02-2010, 04:37 PM
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Pharah, You are absolutly correct. sad_dad needs to go to court asap and get an order for custody. DO NOT let the kids go until this is sorted out.

to sad_dad- you are not denying access, do not look at it that way. Your kids could go and not returned and there is nothing anyone will do to help you. You need to tell her mother that you are more than willing to arrange visitation once you have an order for custody.

You need to know that domestic violence is about control and you are putting yourself and your kids at risk if you send the kids right now. Violence and the need for control can ESCALATE at the onset of seperation, that is why the court has a no-contact order right now. She needs to stay away right now and get help.

I know it is hard to do and the kids probably miss mom but it is for the better right now. You are not going to be looked at badly if you deny access at this point and in fact it is your responsability to ensure the safety of your kids, both physically and emotionally, is your first concern.

Please go and get an emergency order. The police or victim services will tell you how to get one. Also make sure you get help for yourself. This is so important!

good luck!
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Old 10-02-2010, 06:47 PM
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I'm just going to come out and ask sad_dad if he really, really wants full custody of his children.

If you do, then take the advice given.

If you don't, and you're content with the weekend arrangement that you've already mapped out because you can't figure out weekday babysitting, then you're asking the wrong questions here I think.
  #20  
Old 10-02-2010, 08:39 PM
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What I "want" is to restore the family unit - I understand that is a long term goal and I also need to make short term decisions.

Short term I believe it is best that the children remain in ther established home with me (they have suggested that I leave and they come stay here). They have made numerous requests stating that we will go in to a weekend/weekday split arrangement and what I've asked is to wait unti I seek legal advice (and of course, get a court order that actually states what my custody is, where the childrens home is, etc)

After a lot of soul searching I've decided that if things are meant to resolve, and she does truly love this family, she will understand these actions and although it hurts to have not seen her children for two days, she will acknowledge that they were in the best interest of the children.

At first I thought that, by doing this, I was assuming the worst - and if the relationship heals, I will have to go through it always worried that I failed to trust her. What I think and feel now is that I am doing the best, hoping for the best.. I need to maintain the stability of our family while she seeks help (I am willing to seek help to so that we can improve our communication - this is not a one way issue) with the hope that she will return.

After relaying this information I've had several calls from her mother (who is trying to be the third party/mediator) accusing me of preventing her from accessing her kids, telling me she will call the police, etc.

I went down to the police station to find out the exact terms of her release and the woman at the counter told me that she recognized me from "last time". That was very embarassing, but also a wake up call. She told me that I should get the order, too.

The guilt is pouring in from the other side and I'm receiving many phone calls, I just keep telling them that I promise a) she will have access to her kids and b) I will call them Monday to relay any information I find. They're accusing me of breaking a "verbal contract" with regard to weekday/weekend splits and I'm maintaining that it was not an agreement but them telling me "what was going to happen".

I've told everyone who has called that I love her very much, and want this to work, I want us to get better... but I need the kids safe and secure.

Everyone from her side is telling me that without their mother they are going to explode after a few days... they are not showing any signs of trauma or stress.
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