Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 02-28-2019, 11:22 AM
Kkc Kkc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 61
Kkc is on a distinguished road
Default custody assessment

hi has anyone gone through this

currently we have an interim non prejudice where i get 3 overnights a week and she gets 4 (i have weekends)

The whole separation was a mess and this was from a nesting agreement (our house closes tomorrow).

I want a true 50/50. This will be 1 extra overnight every 2 weeks.

The ex is very much unreasonable and some of her reasons are that i wear scrubs home from work and get the kids sick

We have not had our case conference yet and I may be heading for a custody assessment to get 1 extra overnight every 2 weeks. Has anyone gone through something like this where the ex is very much unreasonable and done questionable things since the separation (spent 30 k in three weeks, placed a hidden camera in the house to spy on me when i was in the house on my time, teaches my daughter that my mom is a dumb shit)...i realize there is usually a lot of negative thoughts towards ex-spouses...but this one is bad


my hope is that she will agree or the case conference judge will agree to it, because its not much of a change

if any one can comment or PM me that would be great
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-28-2019, 12:38 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 517
iona6656 is on a distinguished road
Default

1. Yes- I have gone through trying to separate from an unreasonable spouse. He's done some stuff.

2. If there aren't *REAL* issues to be assessed- don't go through with a section 30 assessment- would be my advice.

When I say 'real' issues- I mean serious domestic violence (esp. if it's aimed at the child(ren)), or mental health or substance issues with one or both parents. These issues have to be proveable- you're going to need records...just your recount of her crazy behaviour may not cut it. Someone- usually a health professional (therapist, doctor) or the criminal courts is going to have to say there is a problem.

I am at tail end of an OCL assessment- would I do it again? I don't know. Let's see how the report plays in court. Because- the fact that the recommendations favour custody and residence with me means nothing to my ex. That's the problem with s.30 assessments and OCL assessments...they mean nothing if you have an unreasonable ex that is not going to listen to the recommendations anyways. So now you've wasted a lot of time and money for a paperweight.

I think I remember you're a doctor- if I were you- I'd just build a legal budget and get this thing to court ASAP. If she's not going to compromise and agree to 50/50- what other choice do you have?

Reasonable ex- avoid court.
Unreasonable ex- get there with the quickness.

that's just my two cents.

Last edited by iona6656; 02-28-2019 at 12:42 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-28-2019, 01:33 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 61
Kkc is on a distinguished road
Default

at the same time, I would have to agree to a less than 50/50

there were issues with substance abuse
there were issues with domestic violence towards me
there are issues with my 6 year old being manipulated

all of her arguments against it is bc I have to temporarily live with my parents and because I get them sick because I wear scrubs when I come home
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-28-2019, 03:17 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 517
iona6656 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kkc View Post
at the same time, I would have to agree to a less than 50/50
why do you have to agree to less than 50/50?

Quote:
there were issues with substance abuse
there were issues with domestic violence towards me
there are issues with my 6 year old being manipulated
do you have proof of these issues? someone is going to need to back you up. Has she been charged in connection with the DV? Did she complete anger management?

For example, with my case- re: DV, ex was charged and completed the PARs course.

As to the stuff he says to our daughter- who's 2.5- and he IS saying stuff- I didn't even bother trying to argue it or bring it up during our assessment- because I have no proof and I just would have ended up sounding bitter and angry.

Quote:
all of her arguments against it is bc I have to temporarily live with my parents and because I get them sick because I wear scrubs when I come home
those are nonsense arguments and you should treat them as such.

in cases of high conflict though- you better be ready for some allegations being thrown your way.

I'm not saying this because I don't believe you ...but from my perspective- I'm in the thick of it now...unless you have real proof- all the things you've stated as to why you would be favoured in the assessment- are really subjective he-said/she-said stuff- and you're not guaranteed to win it.

Do you want the assessment?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-28-2019, 03:38 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 61
Kkc is on a distinguished road
Default

the dv was minor and i didnt do anything when it happened 2 years ago
for daughter...cas is involved from the get go and so is another agency to help with her

the issue is with allegations...she has not been able to prove a shred of evidence to any of her claims, whereas anything i write there is backup

right now we have a non prejudice arrangement where she has them 4 nights and i have them 6...all i want is one extra night every 2 weeks..im hoping it would be ordered given that all her arguments surround my parents vs me and the best interest of the kids is to see both parents equal amounts of time...my schedule is incredibly flexible without affecting income so that is not an issue, I rarely work late and can move that easily to non parenting days

our cohabitation/marriages length was 6 years

All i want out of my life is to do a spousal buy out, (she owes me 90k in equalization so i want to leverage that or just slowly erode that amount back to her), go to work, have my kids half the time and make the best of the situation

I do not want to bring out everything that i can as proof as to concerns about her character and parenting style..and trust me i have a lot


just curious, what was your custody agreement and was it non-prejudice and interim and what are you trying to get
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-28-2019, 04:02 PM
Janus's Avatar
Janus Janus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,994
Janus will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
why do you have to agree to less than 50/50?
You didn't answer this question. I had the exact same question.


Quote:
Originally Posted by kkc
I do not want to bring out everything that i can as proof as to concerns about her character and parenting style..and trust me i have a lot
What does that even mean?

Why would you hold back anything?

Either you are lying or very confused. You say you desperately want 50/50, but can't get 50/50, and you have ammo to get 50/50, but you are not going to use the ammo because... errr... why?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-28-2019, 04:25 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 517
iona6656 is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kkc View Post
the dv was minor and i didnt do anything when it happened 2 years ago
So nothing? No contemporaneous emails or texts between you guys as to the events?

Quote:
for daughter...cas is involved from the get go and so is another agency to help with her
What is their involvement? Who called CAS?

Quote:
the issue is with allegations...she has not been able to prove a shred of evidence to any of her claims, whereas anything i write there is backup
What are her allegations?

Quote:
I do not want to bring out everything that i can as proof as to concerns about her character and parenting style..and trust me i have a lot
Ha... I had that sentiment too..."He's the father of my child. I want him involved. I want to help him get better. We can do this...we can co-parent for the best of our kids". The preceding does not apply to unreasonable exes. It just doesn't. Get ready to fight. If she's making allegations- you need to get ready to fight.

Quote:
just curious, what was your custody agreement and was it non-prejudice and interim and what are you trying to get
It's interim- we consented to access. He has supervised access because he made a threat against our daughter the night we separated. We don't have a custody or separation agreement. My ex is abusive. There is a history of serious DV in our case. He faced criminal charges as a result. We're in a custody battle right now.


He wants 50/50 shared custody now. Before he wanted EOW + Wednesday nights. I don't know why he's changed his tune. I think he might actually be a bit delusional. That worries me.

I want sole custody and primary residence. With increasing gradual access working up to overnights on the weekends, and evening visits during the week. I'm open to joint custody with final say...or maybe even Joint Custody with final determination by a parenting coordinator. Maybe.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-28-2019, 04:25 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 61
Kkc is on a distinguished road
Default

sorry...at work and i dont proof read, maybe i'm so early into the process that I don't know how it all works

When I said, "I would have to agree to less than a 50/50", what I should say is our agreement interim and without prejudice. We both would have to argue to change it one way or another.

What I am saying is that I am hopeful that we can somehow just agree to it..it is better for the kids, its cheaper etc...but again it takes two people to make an agreement and I know this is a long shot.

I will use every bit of ammunition I have to fight for my kids and to have them 50/50. When I talk about holding back, I am implying that I would hope for a less hostile process. My kids do not need to see their parents fighting like this. They do not need to read documents when their older of their parents tearing each other apart...

at least that's the way I see it..I just get anxious about all this because I am the man and im a doctor and she stayed home. So already, i feel like I'm behind. The truth is, I drove the kids to daycare every day and picked them up, I have a whole year's worth of me altering my schedule to pick up the kids, I have colleagues who will vouch for the many, many times where I would come into work half awake because I was the one taking care of the kids at night so the wife could sleep. I just worry how much weight all this will carry because I work and she doesn't.
I appreciate everyone's input
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-28-2019, 04:38 PM
Kkc Kkc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 61
Kkc is on a distinguished road
Default

I am sorry that you went through all of this. I have learned that my process can be worse. Children's aid became involved because one night, she went berserk and was provoking me, but I was suspicious of a set-up and taped the whole thing. She was trying to boot me out of the house, she told me in the past her mom set up other men who crossed her path and I saw this a mile away. She would scream dont charge at me when I was sitting on the couch. She then trashed my closet and was yelling in front of the kids to provoke me. then called the cops on my dad when my parents came over to help diffuse the situation. That's why children's aid is involved.


[QUOTE=iona6656;234167]So nothing? No contemporaneous emails or texts between you guys as to the events?

on her birthday she got angry after drinking and assaulted me, I recorded this but didnt do anything about it. She continues to send hostile texts at me if something doesn't go her way.




What are her allegations?

So I live with my parents, my brother is fighting for his life with testicular cancer and we all need to support one another. All her arguments deal with the kids do not like being with my parents, which is a farce. She argues they will take care of them, which again is a farce. She did not make one comment about my ability to parent other than that my scrubs have germs on them. She also states that the kids are sick and how can she work. Also that there are no jobs for nurses in my city (I googled it the same day and there are 80 postings...)



Ha... I had that sentiment too..."He's the father of my child. I want him involved. I want to help him get better. We can do this...we can co-parent for the best of our kids". The preceding does not apply to unreasonable exes. It just doesn't. Get ready to fight. If she's making allegations- you need to get ready to fight.

Trust me, I am ready to fight. She put a fucking camera in my house and spied on me. After it was removed, I remember being at the house for the superbowl and tearing through the house looking for it. I had to leave and am still struggling with this huge invasion of privacy and have to have my lawyers for the canadian doctors handle my case because it may have shot patient charts to the cloud.



It's interim- we consented to access. He has supervised access because he made a threat against our daughter the night we separated. We don't have a custody or separation agreement. My ex is abusive. There is a history of serious DV in our case. He faced criminal charges as a result. We're in a custody battle right now.

you're case sounds terrible and sorry your daughter is experiencing this. I hope you are successful in your run and that he can get deal with his issues to gradually be safe with your kid.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-28-2019, 10:07 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 386
Stillbreathing will become famous soon enough
Default

My STBX and I have been in litigation for more than seven years with not one issue resolved. He is catastrophically brain injured and assaulted the children. He also received a multimillion dollar settlement and his lawyer sees him as the golden goose and therefor resists settling this case. We have had several custody and access assessments. In each one it was recommended that I have sole custody. The other recommendations were ludicrous including eventual unsupervised access to the ex and police enforcement ( the kids were terrified of him). Luckily the judges relied on their own common sense and refused to implement the suggestions that posed a risk to the children.

My lawyer said that these custody
and access reports are nothing more than glorified toilet paper until they are taken to court and both parties have the opportunity to cross examine the assessor. The other thing is that the reports become stale dated if not taken to trial in a timely matter. Therefor we have had four so far! Chaa Ching. Our last one is now too old so we would have to get another one if we ever get to trial.

These reports are a crap shoot and a total waste of money. If only i’d Have known I would NEVER have co-operated with them.
Don’t waste your money.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Best Interests of Children: An Evidence- Based Approach WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 13 01-12-2013 08:15 PM
Joint Physical Custody: Smart Solution or Problematic Plan? WorkingDAD Parenting Issues 19 09-17-2012 06:38 AM
Professional Guidelines for Psychologists: CHILD CUSTODY ASSESSMENT WorkingDAD Divorce & Family Law 1 04-21-2011 08:15 AM
Joint custody - questions & answers (US) first timer Parenting Issues 0 03-20-2011 12:07 AM
Custody Disputed Decent Dad Political Issues 2 06-26-2006 09:05 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:18 PM.