Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Introductions

Introductions If you're new to the forums, drop by and introduce yourself.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #11  
Old 01-31-2019, 07:56 PM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 10
feelingaloneallthetime is on a distinguished road
Default

kate331: I was not a gatekeeper at any point. If my kids wanted mom to read a story; they just had to call her (though she usually wasn't home because she was working). Whenever they wanted to talk to mom, I had a no interference policy. My eldest at one point mentioned he missed having alone time with either of us. What did I do? I arranged for him to go over to her house on a night the other kids weren't there so he could have alone time with mom. Never reciprocated. When my sons finally came to live with me I get them cell phones and provided the numbers to mom and her family - its been years - no calls. What happened when I was alone in another city : mom would take the internet router with her to work, leave them with no phone - just so they couldn't contact me. Social workers were pissed but powerless unless the court changed the situation - the court wouldn't.

My ex didn't even work mon-fri: it was just 5 days a week. She'd often cover other shifts. She was, when we were married, the type of mom who constantly needed "vacations" from the kids, not me. She would rather work than be with them - so a 6am - 6pm shift was not abnormal for her. Make no mistake she wanted 50-50 just for financial reason.

Before leaving BC, I offered her full custody of the kids if she would just leave me enough money to pay my bills so I can stay in town. She wouldn't accept full custody, she wanted money.


Don't mistake my negativity coming out anonymously online is me around my kids. Is it really negativity though. I am just stating facts. I see you are senior member: have you noticed this story I relate to resemble any other stay at home parent situation? Do you think there is anyone else out there in my position?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-31-2019, 10:26 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,739
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

There are plenty of people out there who have “unfair” custody arrangements. There are also plenty of six figure dads who pay FULL table and spousal. You arent a victim.

Theres a lot of things about your case that are either missing or you are missing. Your ex either had a good lawyer or a sound argument. Whether you agree with her parenting tactics or not, she is still their parent and you should be respecting that. Your kids are running away because they know they can. This isn’t a case of you’re the better parent. How would you feel if your kids ran away from you? You make all of these accusations about what she does wrong. How do you know this, maybe its a case of you tormenting her about her parenting and she got sick of being questioned.

There was a reason for your decision and if you don’t agree you can appeal it. You are fortunate that you have an excellent salary and what you did with that is your business. There are plenty of parents on here who have no jobs and can’t make ends meet.

I have a family member who lost his business, his home and his savings fighting for 50/50. His ex tried to move across the country with the kids, tried to turn them against him and won a bs ss and full table decision. He shit his mouth, busted his butt and put everything into making the best life for his kids. If you ask him about it his answer isnt useless comments about everything he lost and how much he has to pay his ex. Its how much he loves his kids and how grateful he is that they have both parents in their life.

You just sound bitter about having to pay support. If thats the case, quit your job and file to stop support.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-31-2019, 10:34 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,739
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Im also struggling to understand what you are seeking advice for. You have two kids living with you. Are you still paying support? If yes then file a motion to change. She should be paying you for them and her for the daughter. Are you angry about not seeing your daughter? Join the rest of the dads on here and learn about alienation and staying connected to her.

Dwelling on what happened gets you nowhere. You lost full custody for a while and now have two kids. Work on that.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-31-2019, 11:24 PM
Janus's Avatar
Janus Janus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,209
Janus will become famous soon enoughJanus will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelingaloneallthetime View Post
A judged forced a 50-50 arrangement on us after a mediator specifically told my ex and I that in these situations it is both the legal and social norm for children to live primarily with their stay at home parent.
Lesson learned. Mediators are not lawyers. Legally, neither parent is presumed to be the default custodial parent. There is an unspoken presumption of course, but that is a gendered presumption that does not work in your favour.


Quote:
Those support tables bankrupted me
Unless income was imputed to you at a level far above your actual income, support tables cannot possibly directly cause a bankruptcy. As a bonus, you cannot even get out of paying support through bankruptcy, so even if the support tables caused you to go bankrupt, it would be silly to declare bankruptcy.

Quote:
we lost the house
This forum is filled with people trying to hold on to their house. It often does not go well. Losing a house is not that big a deal. Worst case scenario you rent for a bit.

Quote:
I even lost my 3 kids for over a year because I had to move into my parents basement.
And where is your ex living? On what money? If you guys are 50-50 you should have roughly similar living situations, especially if you are on the edge of bankruptcy but still paying support.

Quote:
A Judge decided to not listen to my kids ...left home alone with the 12 year old in charge
If the oldest was 12, then it is no surprise that the judge did not listen to them. It was not their choice to make. In Ontario they sometimes appoint lawyers to represent the kids, but they certainly do not listen to a parent's interpretation of their wishes.

Quote:
Are there any stay at home parents who have been through this?
You are a work from home parent, your terminology is confusing.

Quote:
Losing everything.
I thought it was 50-50?

Quote:
Suffering alienation.
I thought it was 50-50?

Quote:
Not seeing their kids.
Unfortunately common. But, I thought you had 50-50, how did you lose them by living with your parents?

Quote:
Not having their kids heard.
Fortunately common, this is not a kid decision.

Quote:
In any case its been going on for years and I haven't met anyone else in my situation.
Nah, it is common.

But... the real question is, what are you going to do about it?


Quote:
I have been to doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, spoke with social workers, ... no one seems to know anyone who's had this happen.
I cannot help but notice that "lawyers" is not on your list of people you are turning to for legal advice.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-01-2019, 07:34 AM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 10
feelingaloneallthetime is on a distinguished road
Default

Rockscan: I think I was pretty clear why I joined. it was at the advise of YSB to find stay at home parents who were treated the same as me. As a senior member have you heard, can you connect me with, a stay at home who has been treated the same? Are there other stay at homes who have a child they haven't seen in 5 years? That's all I want. One of the many reasons is that I have two kids struggling because they too are alienated - the struggling is serious - one is suicidal. So again: is there anyone on here who has a situation like mine?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-01-2019, 08:06 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,739
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default

Theres no reason your child should be alienated from their sibling. Have they reached out to them? Have you also set them up with counseling to cope? Then there is nothing you can do about what your ex does with the child.

As for the rest of your story, being a stay at home parent is irrelevant. The bottom line is your third child has been alienated from everyone but their mother. Alienation is difficult to stop and you will simply be continuing the hurt your two children feel. You can continue to reach out to the child and have their siblings try too but you cannot force a relationship. The child has been brain washed and controlled by their parent.

Focus on your two children who need psychological support. Getting them strong is the only thing controllable right now.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 02-01-2019, 08:15 AM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 10
feelingaloneallthetime is on a distinguished road
Default

Janus:
1. I know my posts get long BUT I have had duty counsels say the same thing, lawyers say the same thing, family justice counselors say the same thing, an arbitrator say the same thing, members of the Hear the CHild society in BC say the same thing... The legal and social norm is a for children of a stay at home parent primarily resides with that parent.

2. If financially left alone, I could have stayed paying my bills. That is I made enough money to pay my bills. I didn't have extra. My mortgage was my biggest bill. A bill I couldn't get out of because my house was upside down - by too much for me to cover : $75,000 such that I wasn't approved for a loan to downsize. So in this very real scenario - suddenly placing a family maintenance payment that was more than my mortgage on me BANKRUPTED me. The Bankruptcy Trustee said it, but I know a head of time because my father was a retired accountant who prepared my financial statement to the court. Had I not been burdened with payment I would not be bankrupt today. BUT the point is, has other stay at home parents on this form ever been burdened with such a payment. And I didn't get off paying support - instead I am bankrupt since 2013 and am ionly scheduled to be release this year. THAT"S how severe an impact it had. You are only supposed to be bankrupt for 9 or 21 months. Its impacted my ability to keep a lawyer.

The way we budgeted in our home while together was I paid all the bills and her salary was all the extras: hockey tournaments, taking the kids to movies, going out for dinner once a month, we rarely vacationed and it was mostly just visiting family, we had to take a ferry to go anywhere and her salary paid for things like the ferry rides, all the optional stuff etc... My budget paid the bills - so on my own I could pay the bills. To even qualify for the mortgage which was the max we could get, we had to borrow money from a brother-in-law, so alone I wouldn't have been able to qualify - that's how we financed 3 years prior to separation - it couldn't be undone. Get it: yes support payments bankrupted me. I know its technically not supposed to happen, in reality it did happen. Judge was even told by my lawyer, if you make him pay anything, he's immediately in a bankrupt position - judge did it anyways. My parents kept me afloat for a year paying the support payments they knew I couldn't afford (my father was an accountant) and after a year, with the situation not resolved about where the children primarily reside, I was bankrupt. Later a judge would complain that my parents didn't continue paying - I'm not joking.

3. I was bankrupt. At that point on work imposed leave. With 60% of my income because of it. I could not afford to rent a home and office. I had to move in with my parents, in another city because that is the worst case scenario I am describing - its not just losing a house. Its despite being an at home parent being financially bullied out of my children's lives. There weren't options in the isolated town we were in and my lawyer was heavy into real estate so I had expert advice on the situation.

4. I'm bankrupt. AS you said you can't get out of paying ordered support. She is employed. THis scenario created a situation where three kids were with her all the time. It increased the already high amount being paid. On top of that, a court did increase above the table amounts. I go back on leave again because of stress - but it was employer ordered, not my choice. But again the backdrop is that I am stay at home parent, she's putting kids in daycare and eventually making the oldest a caregiver when he turned 12 - against his will

5. All advice given from the Hear the Child Society of BC is that 12 year olds are listened too. AS well as lawyers, etc... The BC Legal Society instructed me to appeal stating it should be overturn. But guess what? I couldn't afford an appeal at this point.

6. Stay at home vs Work at home. Work at home implies that my work would interfere with parenting or care of the home. It didn't. Why because my scenario was, and my employer even wrote the court, to explain I made my own hours around the kids schedules, even if they suddenly got sick half way through a school day...my kids never saw me work. So what's confusing? A mother providing home daycare claims she's a stay at home mom; but the reality is that job keeps them from their kids at times - its even an obligation if another child not her own is in crisis - I didn't have that at all. I didn't have to balance anything - simply work when kids in school - had holidays off, including summers - no daycare ever. What's confusing is holding it against me for being valuable.

6. It was 50-50 but that caused financial havoc such that everything was lost and I couldn't afford to stay in the same town. At the same time, it was emotionally devastating to my children who were upset with the situation having at first going to daycare, then being left home alone - WHILE knowing their father is home and wanting to be with him - but being forbidden. Why forbidden? BEcause of the kids were with me, mom wouldn't get paid. And during this time, my kids would relay to my how I was trashed by their mother, they were forbidden from talking to me, talking about me, from ringing my doorbell, etc...that was the 50-50 period. Then I relocated for financial reasons imposed on me, kids would call allot the first month, mom took phone from them, mom took the internet router with her whereever she went so they couldn't contact my, mom then arranged for me to have a weekly call only to insist it be monitored which my kids hated, Monitors would then lie about the phone calls unknowing that I taped everything and I presented the court the recordings proving the false affidavits and the judge ignored it and let it continue. Sure, there is allot more to my story, plenty more. BUt before I get all into it I'm trying to find at least another stay at home parent who has been through the basics: had 50-50 imposed on them, had to pay their ex who would put kids in daycare, then leave them home alone, etc... I can go on and on about the alienation but how much do I until I find someone who started out the same as me, which is the YSB advice for me to find. You're a senior member: how many stay at home moms or fathers on here have been through this? I haven't seen my daughter in 5 years and my sons haven't seen her in 4 - i struggle, my sons struggle with. One son even has PTSD from his time with his mother - that's how serious the situation is.


What am I going to do about this ongoing situation? How am I going to deal with my sons impacted by this same alienation? Well I follow all professional advice: the advice was to find someone, if they exist, on this form that has been through similar. I suggested to the folks at YSB that I won't find such help but they told me to try anyways.

I know I'm being me focused when I list what's gone on and continues to go on - I'm not the most articulate but the point is I have two sons struggling. Struggling with a mother who keeps their sister from them. They think they will never see their sister again. They know how their mother is and know she is being turned against them. Its not all about me. I'm struggling with failing my kids.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-01-2019, 09:02 AM
feelingaloneallthetime feelingaloneallthetime is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 10
feelingaloneallthetime is on a distinguished road
Default

Rockscan: My sons are being helped. One is a YSB regular. It was the YSB's most recent advice to come to this forum. I know my children should not be kept from one another - I have no power in this situation - I'm dealing with an unreal situation that started as the very relevant stay at home parent being denied primary residence - it all stems from that - all the emotional anguish experienced by not just me, my kids, and all the academic struggles that followed, all the financial issues it created, all the distance created by the financial issues, etc... My oldest did a project in his high school Canadian Families class; he found that Stats Can Survey that indicates primary residence for one parent is the scenario for 92% of broken families - right away 50-50 is not normal. He has no friends that live in a 50-50 state in either province -just him. He doesn't understand why he was singled out. What he couldn't find was a stat on how many of the 8% of broken families have a stay at home parent - is he the only one. Don't act like I think about myself here, my focus is my kids and their struggles. They've asked counselors they've seen, who would then tell them directly that they have never seen a kid with 50-50 imposed on them when they have a parent at home...my sons don't even know the money situation - they are emotionally impacted. My sons are old enough now to know I am bankrupt, but they didn't when it happened. What they initially knew of the money situation, is their mom complaining that I don't pay her enough - so I had to explain that, yes I do pay mom, and she may not think it enough but its what's the court ordered. And they would ask all kinds of question based on shit mom said all the time...it was heart breaking knowing how young they were and being unloaded on.

So its hard for me to just concentrate on the two with me not just because I miss my daughter and worry about how she's being brought up, but my sons miss their sister and worry about how she's being brought up - they lived in mom's house - they know exactly what she's like. They've dealt with threats of sedation, threats of foster care, threats of violence. One son even called the cops once on their mother because it was what social workers told him to do. So my sons have this history that they struggle with - its ongoing - i get them the care - my oldest has opted out the last couple years - the younger son, at 16, has had enough of coping and wants the problem addressed. He explains it like being in jail and people just wanting him to feel good about being in jail rather than helping him out of jail - why can't he see his sister is his major concern. He's already been ordered by doctors to have no interaction with his mother because its so toxic. He still occasionally calls his mom, what always follows is deep depression, it was a phone call 2 years ago that precipitated a suicide attempt.

Again I am following the current professional advice: come on this forum and find someone else if they exist who's been through this.

So I am well aware many fathers are limited to every second weekend scenarios because it stems from the mother being the primary parent or presumed to be, or actually is the parent who was traditionally around more for the children. I'm not looking to connect with those fathers - who are in a shit situation. Some, not all, of the situations are best for the kids, and they are definitely best for the kids if their is a stay at home mother. Is there a case here where a father got 50-50 when there is a stay at mother? I'd like to not speak with that father but they mother. That's what I'm trying to find. Someone in my situation, who I can related to. That's what I was advise to find. No one I know, despite knowing many broken families, knows a situation that a stay at home parent didn't have primary residence. I'm told it exists but no one seems to know anyone one in that scenario. How does that mother cope - knowing that someone decided her kids are better off in a daycare than with her? knowing that someone decided her kids are better off home alone than with her? knowing that even though her kids want to be with her and not in daycare, not home alone, that they have been ignored not just by the other parent but the courts as well - the Rights of the Child implies children should be heard - so in this case why shouldn't they? There has to be a reason. The reason given in my case was stress...visit HearTheChild.ca and read the whole point and all the studies suggest that stress is the reason to listen - not the reason not to listen.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-01-2019, 09:48 AM
arabian's Avatar
arabian arabian is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 10,668
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

I summarize your situation:

You moved across the country to some island residence into a home that you could not afford (had to have someone else help you purchase).

You went into bankruptcy and have remained undischarged since 2013 (this is likely due to the fact that you earn substantially more than allowable monthly amounts; term of bankruptcy determined you have to pay into your estate longer than normal or you have opted not to make your bankruptcy payments). [Order of CS and timing of bankruptcy might prove to be relevant].

Your father is a retired accountant so it is presumed that your bankruptcy and current financial situation is with his assistance/knowledge?

You currently have 50/50 custody of your children. You work from home. You have never appealed decisions in Court of Appeal. You have a lawyer who primarily practices real estate law.

In the past you have video-taped your children for use in court. You are frustrated that you perceive the judge ignores your submissions.

Your children now do projects at school involving child custody.

You have not seen your daughter in 5 years. Your 16-year old son is unhappy with not seeing his sister. This son had suicidal thoughts after interacting with his mother a few years ago.

You have been told by many that your submissions are too lengthy.

You feel that you are a "victim" and are looking for someone to commensurate with who is in a similar situation. You are on stress leave? You want to have CS payments readdressed.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 02-01-2019, 09:50 AM
arabian's Avatar
arabian arabian is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 10,668
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

See if you can put your situation in a similar condensed version (no longer than mine). Then you might get some responses.

Judges don't read lengthy submissions and neither do many on this forum.

Hope this helps.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
new here...pls be gentle! :) caro46 Introductions 9 08-11-2011 03:49 PM
New to the forum, intro and brief history jezabelmom Introductions 2 11-18-2010 07:26 PM
New member, old story... zeek Divorce & Family Law 3 10-03-2008 07:13 AM
On behalf of new member "oopps" FL_Needs_To_Change Divorce & Family Law 4 03-27-2008 03:46 PM
From a new member... logicalvelocity Divorce & Family Law 2 08-17-2007 11:10 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:16 PM.