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  #11  
Old 09-03-2018, 07:35 AM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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have you tried to re-connect with your wife with date nights without the kids?
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2018, 08:13 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncertainT View Post
“Sarcasm aside, your a Doctor, you can afford a seasoned lawyer, I'd go get professional advice before listening to me “

But your experience is very valuable to me, Kate!

For example, knowing what you know now, would you have prioritized intimacy if you knew that it would have saved your marriage?
And more importantly for me, what would it have taken to allow you to understand this at that point in the past?

There seems to be lots of overlap of your past and my present, which means I can learn from you.

The dynamic of my wife dealing with caring for our son has been a major stressor to our marriage. I’m a Doc and see people dealing with intense health issues everyday, so the whole thing is much more normalized in my experience.
She views this as me being uncaring, when in reality I’m just trying to be as rational and grounded As possible.
Sometimes it seems as though my wife is the most difficult patient I’ve ever had to deal with. Our son is high functioning on the spectrum and is doing relatively well, but if I don’t immediately agree to every therapy she researches on google, I’m instantly viewed as a heartless asshole. Which doesn’t go over well with me when I’ve actually been treating people on deaths door all day long.
Honestly NO, I always felt I was in survivor mode and because I was the stay at home parent in my situation the childcare fell on me. It wasnt until we separated and CAS stepped in that I got some more help. I do feel for you and your wife re the stress of raising a special needs child. Lets face it, we all want our children to succeed and be successful in life, but its an uphill battle for them.

If my partner had come home, and he does not have a stressful job like you, offered to take out the trash, I would be willing!!! I felt overwhelmed all the time, and he thought of me being a stay at home parent as watching soap operas and eating bon bons all day If I had to do it over, I would have never taken the time off and parenting would have been more equal and my earnings greater. Our Autistic son got in the habit of sleeping in our bed By then it was too late for us, as my ex had found someone else to meet his needs. But I DO NOT blame myself. As you know when there is something just not right with your children and all you energy and being is placed in getting them help, our adult needs tend to be put on the back burner and as it seems difficult to get back on track.

As for treating Autistic children, I digress to medical staff at the Centre we are patients of, but if my ex was in the medical field, maybe I would do question everything, just for reassurance.

Warning; the Judge deemed my ex the Heartless Asshole, and on top of Child Support I also receive money for respite care.

My advice would be to do this carefully, to shield your children as much as possible. As you know change is not kind to Autistic children and this is going to be devastating on his little world. Of course it can be done, and I commend you on thinking it through to have the supports in place when it should happen.

If your wife did your accounting i.e. billing, then thats a good start in finding employment.
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  #13  
Old 09-03-2018, 10:00 AM
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arabian arabian is offline
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I agree with much of what others have posted. You need to set things up in the next year. I'd recommend getting a live-in or competent aide to help out with the children. If your wife has done medical billings, even without certification, she could possibly find work doing that in future. Consider what she would have to do to become self-sufficient. Sounds like she is no dummy. At the very least, encourage her to upgrade academically. What does she want to do (aside from wasting time with MLM)? Find out what she is interested in and help her achieve those goals.

Until you relieve some pressure from her current day-to-day situation you likely won't be experiencing any intimacy anytime soon. I gather that any big change is a big deal for families with autistic children. Getting the help that she needs, and you can afford, would be a big first step.

I used to take my family physician golfing several times a year (I was a shareholder in a private club that he liked to golf at occasionally). This usually meant his wife came along. I recall the wife was always being in some sort of MLM scam and she always tried to get me to sign on. I felt embarrassed for my doctor. You've got to figure out a way to stop that nonsense. Offer to line her up with a job with another doctor? Of course you put it to her that your friend is in a bind and really could use her expertise/help, etc. Meanwhile get the nanny/aide lined up, even if the job doesn't pan out.

Start planning some nice vacations... something she can look forward to. Too often in life people carry on with the day-to-day activities without anything to look forward to.

Most of us need to feel like we are contributing to something important in our lives. Your wife lives with a man who helps people every single day. Think of ways that your wife can get the same amount of satisfaction after a days' work. If you have ever been to a MLM recruitment "seminar" you would know instantly why/how your wife has gotten sucked into this tripe. They deliver precisely to people who need to feel important... with, of course, the promise of great financial rewards. Her being married to a doctor fits all the recruitment criteria and your occupation lends credibility to her position. I'm kind of surprised she isn't doing well as typically when people hear those words "my husband is a doctor" they are likely to buy the product or sign on themselves. MLM is such a scam.

The other option you have, which someone touched on before, is to consider an open marriage or "arrangement." This is something that is a lot more common than one would think. Adultery is grounds for divorce but not in the way most think. I filed for divorce this way simply because it guaranteed me a quick divorce (didn't have to wait a year of living separated before filing). So the big "A" isn't really that much of a big deal should your wife decide to use it in the future. Spousal support and child support certainly are not reflective on divorce by adultery.

It goes without saying that your children are of course your priority. You have to figure out how/if you want a shared parenting role. Some people simply do not. A weekend access schedule might be more realistic for you.

You have lots to consider.

Last edited by arabian; 09-03-2018 at 10:03 AM.
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  #14  
Old 09-03-2018, 10:33 AM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
It goes without saying that your children are of course your priority. You have to figure out how/if you want a shared parenting role. Some people simply do not. A weekend access schedule might be more realistic for you.

You have lots to consider.
Why should he even have the option? IMO its far too easy for Dad's to walk away and Mom's left being a single Mom, holding down a full-time job and most of the parenting responsibilities while Dad fulfills his "needs", with a clear schedule 80% of the time. (My vent for the day).

Maybe his wife would welcome this change. She would have more time to pursue a career and maybe even a new love life.
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  #15  
Old 09-03-2018, 10:50 AM
UncertainT UncertainT is offline
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“The extra year of marriage will cost an extra 6 months of spousal support, but it is well worth it to establish that you are an equal parent.“

Are you telling me the precedent is that for every year of marriage, the higher earner is expected to pay spousal support for 6 months?

“More importantly, you need to drastically increase your time with the kids. Start taking a day off work a week. Start making dinners. Make the school lunches for the kids. Make breakfast in the morning (easiest meal to handle!). Sign the kids up for activities and make yourself responsible for bringing the kids. If she asks why you are doing more, the answer is always "to give you more time to work on your wonderful MLM business that I totally support!"

Meanwhile, document everything you do with the kids. Start a diary. Take photos. You want a year of hands on with the kids. “

When my first child was born I reduced my schedule to 4 days a week to spend more time with my family. So I’ve already been doing a lot of what you are suggesting. My question is around how to document it... will a diary suffice? Will some court officer actually tally up hours in a diary in the future to determine if I get 50/50? Do I just start taking photos of absolutely everything I do with my kids?
Do I go out of my way to ensure that any teacher / coach knows who I am?

Janus, super practical advice. I need to prepare and changing behaviors is part of that. Are there any other resources that you are aware of that could point to some of this type of practical advice?
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  #16  
Old 09-03-2018, 11:24 AM
UncertainT UncertainT is offline
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The consensus seems to be that I need to prepare...

1) strongly encourage her to have an actual income / job
2) offer some more support to my wife so that she may explore how to get that income - child care, nanny etc. This also seems to be the most likely avenue to open up intimacy.
3) increase my time with my kids... activities, daily responsibilities, making myself know to significant figures in their life
4) document everything as much as possible...

I can do all that.
What am I missing?
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  #17  
Old 09-03-2018, 02:20 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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You also need to remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If all you are missing in your relationship is sex then remember that that fades with couples as they age. If you are truly missing the companionship of the relationship remember that that too ebbs and flows with kids.

Have you ever thought maybe she is struggling with depression, self worth, self esteem etc? She could be exhausted from the kids and life. Or perhaps shes disappointed in you and the life you have built?

Marriage is never easy and there are plenty of people who will admit that some days it takes work. If there is something fundamentally broken then yes you need to end it but prepare for what you will be going into. Life on the other side is lonely, depressing and difficult sometimes.
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  #18  
Old 09-03-2018, 10:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UncertainT View Post
Are you telling me the precedent is that for every year of marriage, the higher earner is expected to pay spousal support for 6 months?
It depends on your ages and the length of your marriage. Anywhere from 6 months to a year per year of marriage. Sometimes more if the non-earner has pretty much no chance to ever become productively employed.

Quote:
will a diary suffice? Will some court officer actually tally up hours in a diary in the future to determine if I get 50/50?
Not a court officer, you . You will say to the judge "I kept track of all the time I was with the kids over the last year, and you can see that I was with them about 55% of the time. Here is my contemporaneous diary that backs up my statements, along with photos.

Quote:
Do I just start taking photos of absolutely everything I do with my kids?
Yes. Expect her to lie and say that you were uninvolved. Perhaps she will not do that but the stakes are too high to take that risk. It will be hard for her to say "father was uninvolved" when you have 200 photos of the dinners you have made, the activities you have done, parties you have arranged, etc.

Don't forget to do some of the crappy stuff too. Dentist appointments, flu shots, etc, calling in sick when your kid is sick to provide care.

Bonus: You will probably develop a better relationship with the kids through this process. Less time worrying about crappy marriage, more time having fun being a father.

Quote:
Do I go out of my way to ensure that any teacher / coach knows who I am?
Absolutely. Be super duper friendly to all third party adults. Judges really believe those people.

The idea here is the cliche of hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
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  #19  
Old 09-03-2018, 10:56 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Good to know "the basics" before you do talk to a lawyer. Lawyer's tend to tell high-income earners what they want to hear (blow smoke up your arse so-to-speak).

Start with this:

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/s...ag-ldfpae.html

After you read that inside out you can go on to CanLii and search out similar situations as your own to get a good understanding of how you might fare in court.
https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/

Presumably you are in Ontario then you would go to Ontario then Ontario Superior Court and so on. Put in key words in search engine... you're educated, you'll figure it out.

You can also get lots of good information by searching this forum.
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  #20  
Old 09-04-2018, 12:37 AM
UncertainT UncertainT is offline
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“You also need to remember that the grass isnt always greener on the other side. If all you are missing in your relationship is sex then remember that that fades with couples as they age. If you are truly missing the companionship of the relationship remember that that too ebbs and flows with kids.”

Yeah, it’s not just about the sex. There is a much longer list... She makes unilateral decisions regarding our kids and finances without talking to me, super controlling. She undermines me and my authority in front of our kids. Frankly, she has a tendency to be just plain mean and nasty.

“Do I just start taking photos of absolutely everything I do with my kids?
Yes. Expect her to lie and say that you were uninvolved. Perhaps she will not do that but the stakes are too high to take that risk. It will be hard for her to say "father was uninvolved" when you have 200 photos of the dinners you have made, the activities you have done, parties you have arranged, etc”
“The idea here is the cliche of hope for the best, prepare for the worst”

This is probably the most prudent course... my wife has a tendency to not be completely honest and spin things to suit her narrative. The idea of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst sounds smart.

Really... thanks everyone for your input. You have all already given me incredibly relevant information for where I’m at. Frankly, I’m not sure if this will end in divorce, but I will be much better prepared now if it does go that way.
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