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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 11-28-2012, 10:07 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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I'm not sure I agree Tayken.

My reason for disagreeing is that, while some parents may drag service providers into the middle causing them uncomfort with dealing with the child, it is still important that they be kept in the loop for informational purposes only.

If the child starts to struggle in school, advising the school that there are some issues at home (or homes) will allow them to focus on how best to deal with the child in that situation. Otherwise, should the child act out, they would be unaware of the reasoning behind it.

But speaking to the school (or other service providers) in a mature manner, and not slagging the ex or causing the provider to take sides, there is little harm to the child. Keep it much like I suggest you deal with the ex, high level, mature, like you were speaking with the judge. Keep the emotions out of the equation, but advise them of their responsibilities and your reasonable expectations.

The article above likely deals with parents that turn every service provider into a battleground with the ex. That isn't always the case. I let me daughters teacher know that the ex and I aren't together and that there are certain continuing issues I have with the ex regarding school (lack of involving me) and that I will work the school as much as possible to ensure that I am kept informed. I don't turn it into a battleground. I keep it mature. And so long as one is able to keep it from being a battleground to just setting expectations, most schools will understand and the kid won't even notice.
  #22  
Old 11-28-2012, 10:30 AM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
I'm not sure I agree Tayken.

My reason for disagreeing is that, while some parents may drag service providers into the middle causing them uncomfort with dealing with the child, it is still important that they be kept in the loop for informational purposes only.
Considering the thread's title and taking that into consideration is the reason I posted the information. "Abuse" is a strong word to be using and hopefully the OP is acting as you suggest in your message. Also, considering the conflict the OP is alleging with the other parent in other threads. The concerns of "parental alienation" included...

My concern is that there is an escalation of conflict and although the OP may be acting in a possibly proper way - e.g. providing the school a copy of the parenting agreement and asking that it be followed - I am not sure how much value a quote from Justice Quinn would be in a letter to the school.

I don't really know for sure hence the advice to not mess up with the service providers and try to align them to any party's position.

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
If the child starts to struggle in school, advising the school that there are some issues at home (or homes) will allow them to focus on how best to deal with the child in that situation. Otherwise, should the child act out, they would be unaware of the reasoning behind it.
You have to present this information very gently and without prejudice against the other parent.

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
But speaking to the school (or other service providers) in a mature manner, and not slagging the ex or causing the provider to take sides, there is little harm to the child.
Furthermore, not exposing the matrimonial discord is a key thing to keep in mind. The school only cares about the child and not how much the parents are fighting. In fact, if the school becomes concerned, hears something from a parent that is concerning, both these parents may find themselves talking to CAS.

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
Keep it much like I suggest you deal with the ex, high level, mature, like you were speaking with the judge. Keep the emotions out of the equation, but advise them of their responsibilities and your reasonable expectations.
Also, with a view that anything you provide to the school in writing will be read by a judge. Don't write the material with an objective to "impress" a judge by the way... But, that you are a parent and acting as a parent.

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
The article above likely deals with parents that turn every service provider into a battleground with the ex.
If the accounts of the conflict in this matter are truthful (e.g. the car blocking incident) then the concern is not necessarily the conduct of the OP but, the potentially highly conflicted other parent who will turn it into a battleground.

Some times, it is best to choose when to act. You have to weigh the benefits and reward. A minor issue can quickly become a landmine.

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
That isn't always the case. I let me daughters teacher know that the ex and I aren't together and that there are certain continuing issues I have with the ex regarding school (lack of involving me) and that I will work the school as much as possible to ensure that I am kept informed.
That is the right thing to do. But, I am sure you don't include quotes from Justice Quinn in the letter. (I am truly hoping that the OP didn't provide the same letter to the school.)

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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
I don't turn it into a battleground. I keep it mature. And so long as one is able to keep it from being a battleground to just setting expectations, most schools will understand and the kid won't even notice.
But, if the other parent perceives the OP as trying to undermine them, they will more than likely turn it into World War III and fast.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #23  
Old 11-28-2012, 11:40 AM
Nadia Nadia is offline
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I understand what you are saying Hammerdad but only where a healthy and reasonable parent is concerned. For someone who is high conflict, Tayken is bang on.

This is exactly what happened to us last week. My ex sent off an extremly prejudicial email to the school principle and copied in several administrative and teaching staff into it. The email served no other purpose but was an effort to try and "let the school know how badly this party had been treated by the other parent." It was completely unrelated to the children's education but simply spoke of issues the parents were having outside of school. He ranted and raved and spoke "about a war that the other parent had launched against him" and the "experience of hell that the children were living through." A lot of personal information was shared.

Staff were left in a very uncomfortable position. The email was inappropriate and unnecessary. The school has been a bastian of safety and neutrality for the children. To put that at risk or compromise that in anyway because someone can not keep their shit together is unacceptable.

Fortunately the school principle responded reasonably, making it clear that it was not appropriate for staff to receive such personal emails and that if the parent in question was unhappy, then the proper course of action would be to take the matter to court and not expect the school to mediate.

So, it is just not worth dragging service providers into parental conflict. No one wins and the kids lose out the most.

Last edited by Nadia; 11-28-2012 at 11:50 AM.
  #24  
Old 11-28-2012, 12:02 PM
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Apples and oranges situations being compared here.
  #25  
Old 11-28-2012, 12:08 PM
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Apples and oranges situations being compared here.
How is it an "apples and oranges" situation?
  #26  
Old 11-28-2012, 12:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
How is it an "apples and oranges" situation?
Sorry, I was referring between Nadia and HammerDad.

Two different flavours of "conflict". In HammerDad's case, it's still worth involving the school, so they are aware of a situation, and can address issues (ex. if one parent doesn't provide school information to the other).

Nadia's example, it's "mind-boggling" to involve the school in such a manner.
  #27  
Old 11-28-2012, 12:38 PM
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IMHO a parent like Hammerdad doesn't need to follow Tayken's advice, and a parent like Nadia's ex wouldn't listen to Tayken's advice. So while I think Tayken is making good points, the people who need to follow them won't.
  #28  
Old 11-28-2012, 12:50 PM
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IMHO a parent like Hammerdad doesn't need to follow Tayken's advice, and a parent like Nadia's ex wouldn't listen to Tayken's advice. So while I think Tayken is making good points, the people who need to follow them won't.
And the advice isn't intended for Hammer dad but, the parent who should be listening to good points even if they won't. Hopefully, someone coming to the thread thinking their idea to attack the other parent through the school is "brilliant" and "creative" thinks twice.

Also, for someone like Nadia who has had this happen can leverage the sage advice of Gary (Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW - Counselling; Individual, Marital, Family) and if matters escalate to a point where needed, it can be attached to an affidavit in support of their argument.

I still hold hope (call me naive even) that everyone has the capacity to change. Even the most highly conflicted people in our society. The difference is that the person has to notice they need to change. Through change lots can happen but, until such time that the person realizes they need to change and that their current strategies on dealing with conflict are fleeting and failing... They will be trapped in the same cycle of bad advice, conflict and persistent blaming.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #29  
Old 11-28-2012, 10:45 PM
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Originally Posted by bthom View Post
Terrific letter. Thanks very much. Tweaked and used it via email and gave it in person to my ex, as well as a copy to the school Vice Principal. Mediation has been requested. My lawyer has been sent an email outlining the incidents and I've asked for a motion to be filed requesting EOW status quo.
A good resource for you in this situation would be this paper from Family Conflict Resolution Services on Hostile Aggressive Parenting: http://familyconflict.freeyellow.com...eParenting.pdf

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Originally Posted by bthom View Post
I sent the Principal an email, asking him to call me about my situation. I phoned and learned he was off today. I discussed my situation with the secretary (who is familiar with it and has the parenting schedule of which parents week it is) I met with the VP, and lo and behold, my ex walked into the entrance. My ex, myself and the VP met in her office as my kids settled in the entrance. The VP heard our stories, acknowledged my week, and asked if it was fair to put the kids on the bus. I said ok, in order to prevent more drama.
I know it "sucks", it really does, but the school can't really do much, they definitely can't intervene one way or another. Keep the conflict out of the school and I think right now you need to prepare yourself for court, there is no other way to proceed in my opinion, once mediation has been used and given the willingness of a parent to withhold parenting time from the other parent.

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Originally Posted by bthom View Post
Upon our kids being dropped off, my ex and her bf were there and we had a discussion about my parenting week with the kids and her disrespect of my bonding time and frustrating my efforts. She spun everything to ask your son what he wants. Our 9 yr. old son has been manipulated by his mother for 11 weeks, and he said he wanted to go home with her.

In the end, my son went in her vehicle, and the bf, my ex, and my son returned and reunited my son to me at 8:30pm, after some texts, and phone calls. Mediation is being pursued. The school knows where things lie, and history could repeat itself. Boundaries have been reinforced. Time will tell how things play out.
I would be very, very weary if I were you about having these discussions with your ex, with her boyfriend and possibly the children in visual proximity. First of all the situation is most likely tense and not conducive to resolution and compromise, second you risk putting yourself in the position that allegations may be made against you. I wouldn't do any talking with any high conflict people without a recording device (a smartphone for example) and most importantly a witness.
  #30  
Old 11-28-2012, 11:13 PM
kidsRworthit kidsRworthit is offline
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I know it "sucks", it really does, but the school can't really do much, they definitely can't intervene one way or another. Keep the conflict out of the school and I think right now you need to prepare yourself for court, there is no other way to proceed in my opinion, once mediation has been used and given the willingness of a parent to withhold parenting time from the other parent.

I certainly had no intention of the school enforcing any agreed upon parenting arrangement. My intention of giving them a EOW schedule was to identify the fact that the children's parents are separated and the kids go to opposite parents on Monday after school.

To avoid schoolyard drama, and a second showdown, I appeared at last recess to pick up my kids on my parenting week, as my ex threatened to pick up our son (9)since he apparently wanted to go home with his mom. It was working well, until my ex showed up with her bf. So, I was in a predicament and was asked to explain along with my ex what was going on.

I am hopeful that some progress can be realized through mediation, but am also preparing for what could result in court to defend myself from her claims and sole custody claim.
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