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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 03-20-2019, 10:04 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
I would be more worried about the kid. Look at ways to encourage kid to not listen to moms woes and see that life is what you make it.
So agree with this.

One of the best things I've learned about in the last few months of trying CBT is taking responsibility for our emotions- and how profound it is when you realize that you and you alone are responsible for your emotions and how you feel. It's one of the things we consistently fail to teach our kids. That no one can make them feel a certain way (emotionally)- that we are all responsible for the way we feel and we cannot blame other people if we feel crappy.


Hammerdad- sounds like your ex is emotionally immature. But her jabs and negative remarks towards you are just how SHE feels about it. It's not actually grounded in factual basis, right?
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  #12  
Old 03-20-2019, 10:09 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post

a) I feel helpless to defend against it - nothing I say or do will help the situation. Her situation is due to her own actions/decisions. Me pointing that out will just piss her off more; and
why do you feel the need to defend it? Do you feel like anything she is saying is objectively true? If they are truly a result of her own actions- then there is no need to defend against any accusations?


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b) anything I do say will likely be told to our kid.


For now, I just try to be a shelter to my current wife and my kid (I only have 1, with the ex). My wife has been a great sounding board, allowing me to vent. She also sees the difference in attitude the past 1/2 year. When my kid comes over, talk of her mom stops. It is just a relaxing time where she gets to be a kid, go up to her rooms and chill. We do homework when she has it, we actually just transitioned her playroom to more an teen space with a new couch, desk and art. She really likes it, it is her little corner of the house.
From what I understand- and what I've read about this, this is about all a parent can do when dealing with negativity filtered through your kid. Just be a port in the storm for them. AND teach them that they are not responsible for making anyone else happy.

Is there a possibility of expanding your time with your daughter? Worth the fight?
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  #13  
Old 03-20-2019, 10:20 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Hammerdad- sounds like your ex is emotionally immature. But her jabs and negative remarks towards you are just how SHE feels about it. It's not actually grounded in factual basis, right?

My ex had a sheltered life. So she has unreasonable tenancies.


Whether or not it is grounded in fact is a matter of perspective. Some of her grievances are very true. She does have to bare the brunt of the work when it comes to our daughter. She has her the vast majority of the time, so it would make sense that she does. She used to have her parents as her support network and would rely upon them heavily to deal with the very things she is complaining about now. But she moved far enough away that they can't help like they did, even if they really wanted to (and they do want to, knowing them).


But she believes she is overburdened and that I do nothing (of merit). Some of that is true. But the reason for that is due to her choices. I can't be expected to use my summer vacation time with our child spending 4 hours on the road (there and back twice) driving our child to her summer camp. I get the bare minimum that any convict would likely get (not because I didn't want more or that I am convict). That was her demands. She then moved. Now she has to deal with being a real single parent when you don't have many others to help.


Instead of trying to figure out solutions to her problem, she lashes out at me for not doing more. She complained just the other week that she has very few weekends off from our child, but that is simply due to a) her vacation with our child over March Break and b) the upcoming competition season and her not being willing to let me or our child handle things. She could have stayed home over March Break and I would have had our kid for our weekend. She chose (as is her right per our agreement) to go away. But now don't complain about having the kid too much.


As I mentioned before, I'd love to say to her that if parenting is too overwhelming, I'd be happy to switch with her. But that wouldn't help things.

Last edited by HammerDad; 03-20-2019 at 10:25 AM.
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  #14  
Old 03-20-2019, 10:24 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
why do you feel the need to defend it? Do you feel like anything she is saying is objectively true? If they are truly a result of her own actions- then there is no need to defend against any accusations?

Because it is human nature to want to defend oneself when being attacked. I admit, there is some portion in truth in her concerns. But the way to address them is not to attack the people who you want help from.


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Is there a possibility of expanding your time with your daughter? Worth the fight?

I would love too, but the new distance would be difficult to overcome. At least during the school year. I could ask she would be willing to split up summer, but I doubt she would agree. I will have to weigh the pro's (potentially getting my kid more the summer) versus the con's (having the ex gets offended that I think she is overwhelmed and gets even worse) and make a decision.
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  #15  
Old 03-20-2019, 11:07 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Its hard to deal with someone who chooses to be a victim. I would either change the subject (if its a phone call) or do the ďoh I have to goĒ plan with her when she gets going. Or simply ignore. The less people she has to listen to her, the less likely she is to keep it up.

Your daughter is a different matter though. Just keep reminding her she isnít responsible for making mom happy and that mom is an adult. Let her know she can call you or text when she needs to vent herself or take a break. Her role is the difficult one. She not only has to deal with mom the way she is but also has the confusion of ďis this really dads fault?Ē The early teens and mid teens are difficult with that (I speak from experience). As long as she knows she has you, she will at least have some measure of calm and support. Plus she will be going to university/college soon which means she can get out of the situation if she wants.

Its really a no win situation and I feel for both you and your daughter. Everyone has choices in life and the person responsible for the exís choices is the ex. Too bad she canít accept or understand that!
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  #16  
Old 03-20-2019, 11:32 PM
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Hammerdad ranting is even more depressing than you think. If I was going to nominate somebody for the "unflappable award", he would be on the top of the list.
I second that motion.
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  #17  
Old 03-22-2019, 09:12 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Well, after a week of virtual radio silence since the last email (with only 1 text relating to me picking up the kid for an activity as the ex cannot), things are better.


Normally I don't like to air any dirty laundry, and for the most part I brush off the ex's negativity (ie. the "stupid box"). But it just felt like near every communication with the ex recently involved some sort of shot at me, notwithstanding how mundane the conversation/issue was. It just took its toll. Thankfully I have ppl here, my wife and beer I can vent with...lol



Should be a good weekend this weekend. I have my kid, likely going to a movie and otherwise just gonna hang out as a family. Looking forward to it.
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  #18  
Old 03-22-2019, 09:17 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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How old is your daughter? If you guys havenít seen Captain Marvel yet- so dope. What every young girl should aspire to.


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  #19  
Old 03-22-2019, 09:26 AM
Selfrepmom Selfrepmom is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
How old is your daughter? If you guys havenít seen Captain Marvel yet- so dope. What every young girl should aspire to.


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I was thinking about taking our girls to see it (or at the very least my partnerís oldest daughter). As you have seen it what do you think would be an appropriate age range for children? Oldest is almost 10, the other two are almost 5 & 7
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  #20  
Old 03-22-2019, 10:12 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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I was thinking about taking our girls to see it (or at the very least my partnerís oldest daughter). As you have seen it what do you think would be an appropriate age range for children? Oldest is almost 10, the other two are almost 5 & 7


Way too violent for 5 and maybe even 7 year old. Lots and lots of fight scenes. 10 should be fine.


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