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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 05-12-2020, 09:20 AM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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Default Your BEST tip for dealing with high conflict ex or coparent

If you are forced to deal with high conflict what is your best tip that has worked for you to calm, diffuse or just help you manage stress and be a better parent in spite of the conflict?

Like many men I tend to react quickly and have worked on being aware of the bio-feedback when the adrenaline kicks in and my mouth listens to my amygdala. Great when you are getting mugged in an alley, not great when you are confronted by your ex and worse if the kids are present. I am learning , slowly, but learning.

Me first.

The Buddha was known for being a calm and practical person. he would go the market each day and one of the vendors would always yell at him and insult him. Buddha would not respond. Finally the vendor confronted Buddha and got in his face asking why don't you react to me Buddha, are you better than me?
Buddha asked the vendor. If I offer you a gift and you accept the gift who does the gift belong to?
The vendor said well of course it would belong to me Buddha you idiot!
And if you refuse the gift who does it belong to?
Well it would still be yours Buddha you moron.
So if you offer me abuse and I do not choose to listen or accept your words who does the abuse belong to?

Do I take this advice? As often as I possibly can. It ain't easy. It takes awareness and the skill of taking the time to reflect before reacting.

Be well, don't take the gifts unless YOU decide that YOU want them.

Please share your practical tips and thank you.
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  #2  
Old 05-12-2020, 09:53 AM
Mom2414 Mom2414 is offline
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It is near impossible to co-parent with a HC ex. Hereís what I don

1. Make sure you have a very detailed separation plan and be committed to following it closely and enforcing the plan in return - execute it as exactly as possible to minimize conflict

2. Have a dispute resolution clause in your agreement with co-pay agreement so that if a scenario arises that is not documented in your agreement you go back to mediation for documentation (I budget at least $1k/quarter for this)

3. Ensure that every conversation is sent via email (this should be in your agreement) and wait at least one day before responding - respond with only facts and as though you were responding to a boss/client etc.

Hoping to co parent in a high conflict relationship is a pipe dream , my suggestion is to use a high level of control through legal means to keep the peace.


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  #3  
Old 05-12-2020, 10:12 AM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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Enforcement of clauses other than financial are huge issues for many.

Please describe how you can enforce a HCEX when that breach clear agreement terms:

Making unilateral decisions such a changing religion
Keeping kids from scheduled access
Enrolling kids in activities that require mutual consent and then demanding payment and participation on other parents time
Refuses to mediate unless you pay despite clear sharing in agreement
Takes kids to social workers without consent
Fails to inform of medical appointments or changes them without consent

Enforcement is the most problematic issue
Lawyers are helpless.
Courts take forever and are stupid expensive for nothing in the end.
Good faith and reasonable are ambiguous terms.

Last edited by Abba435; 05-12-2020 at 10:23 AM.
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Old 05-12-2020, 10:54 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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Abba435

First and foremost, you can not change or control your ex or what they do or do not do on their parenting time. Save yourself a lot of stress and donít even bother trying. Concentrate on the things you do have control over such as what you do, how you react and your perception.

In regards to your complaints of your ex changing the childrenís religion.
Answer: practice your religion of choice on your parenting time

In regards to ex enrolling them in activities without your consent and asking you to pay.
Answer: donít pay
You can reply ďI will pay for my share of mutually discussed and agreed upon activities unfortunately thatís not the case with this activity so youíll have to pay for it yourself ď

Taking kids to social worker without your consent.
Answer: if itís on their parenting time and they pay for it then who cares. They can do whatever they want on their parenting time. Is it going to harm the kids? No, then leave it alone.

Your ex fails to inform you of medical appointments and changes them.
Answer: speak to the medical office. Ask to be informed of all medical appointments and changes. Explain you have joint custody and you trust them to give you this information.

You should document everything And do a costs/benefit analysis. Does your exís behaviour harm the kids or interfere with your parenting time or decision making? If yes, is it worth the legal fees and stress to go back to court? What kind of an order can you expect if you do go to court?

Ultimately you should remember that you can not control or change your exís behaviour or what they do on their parenting time.
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:16 PM
Mom2414 Mom2414 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abba435 View Post
Enforcement of clauses other than financial are huge issues for many.
Please describe how you can enforce a HCEX in:
Making unilateral decisions such a changing religion
Keeping kids from scheduled access
Enrolling kids in activities that require mutual consent and then demanding payment and participation on other parents time
Refuses to mediate unless you pay despite clear sharing in agreement
Takes kids to social workers without consent
Fails to inform of medical appointments or changes them without consent

Enforcement is the most problematic issue
Good faith and reasonable are ambiguous

If all the above is documented in your decree and the HCEX is in violation, and has declined mediation, I would be filing contempt and representing myself. If the facts show a clear violation of the court order, be patient/calm and work with the court system.

I have treated every violation with a system approach and have removed emotion from my dealings with my HCEX. If he violates and doesnít seek to correct I follow the same steps every time without fault and the key to all this is following the steps below -

1. I communicate the violation and provide reference to section of decree violated
2. I Donít take feedback or strikes back personally, I respect the PAUSE and answer with full control when I am ready
3. I Ask how I can help correct violation and offer mediation (obtain acknowledgement of the court order and the section in violation)
4. If above is complete and have not received resolution, I file contempt without delay (and I always represent myself)

The key to all this is saving/budgeting for mediation and court even in good times. Iíve had peace for 3 years but still put $250 away every month just in case and trust me $250 is almost 10% of my salary so itís meaningful to me.

I will never be held ransom by my HCEX bc I canít afford to fight for what I think is right for my children.





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  #6  
Old 05-12-2020, 02:42 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Me, I switched my thinking/perspective on this. I turned my train of thought into "this is a business deal". I ignored all negative comments and focused on the business at hand. I wrote as if I was writing to a judge, and completely left all emotion on the floor.

Yeah, my current wife has had to deal with my frustration with my ex and she allows me to vent. But I get it out there to someone who is supportive, and never back at the ex. My ex feeds off of drama. So I starve the beast.
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:43 PM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2414 View Post
If all the above is documented in your decree and the HCEX is in violation, and has declined mediation, I would be filing contempt and representing myself. If the facts show a clear violation of the court order, be patient/calm and work with the court system.
What is the resolution you hope to gain in court by filing for contempt when it deals with non-financial matters that cannot be enforced by a judge? Unless it deals with finances (such as ex not paying supports) and you are asking for a judge to enforce payment, there is not much a judge can do.

If you go to court and point out that Ex has not adhered to Clause #9 of your agreement 15 times in the last 2 years, the judge will ask what exactly you are asking out of the judge. The judge cannot order for a new brain to be implanted into your Ex. If anything, you may look bad in front of the judge for documenting petty matters over a 2 year period rather than being the bigger person.
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Old 05-12-2020, 02:58 PM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingDad1234 View Post
What is the resolution you hope to gain in court by filing for contempt when it deals with non-financial matters that cannot be enforced by a judge? Unless it deals with finances (such as ex not paying supports) and you are asking for a judge to enforce payment, there is not much a judge can do.

If you go to court and point out that Ex has not adhered to Clause #9 of your agreement 15 times in the last 2 years, the judge will ask what exactly you are asking out of the judge. The judge cannot order for a new brain to be implanted into your Ex. If anything, you may look bad in front of the judge for documenting petty matters over a 2 year period rather than being the bigger person.
Question:
Have there been decisions ordering appointment of a Parenting Coordinator with binding authority?
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  #9  
Old 05-12-2020, 03:00 PM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HammerDad View Post
Me, I switched my thinking/perspective on this. I turned my train of thought into "this is a business deal". I ignored all negative comments and focused on the business at hand. I wrote as if I was writing to a judge, and completely left all emotion on the floor.

Yeah, my current wife has had to deal with my frustration with my ex and she allows me to vent. But I get it out there to someone who is supportive, and never back at the ex. My ex feeds off of drama. So I starve the beast.
Starve the beast is added to the top 10 great ideas.
Treat it like a business deal also.
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  #10  
Old 05-12-2020, 03:14 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Abba435 View Post
Starve the beast is added to the top 10 great ideas.
Treat it like a business deal also.
Thanks.

I found my emotions were getting the ahead of my better judgment. Once I took the emotion out of the equation it was much easier to focus on what I needed to do, and allowed me to see clearer on my ex and her intentions. Facts are what is important. Or as the kids would say "reals over feels".
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