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  • Daughter despises step brother

    Hey all, I am looking for opinions on a matter I am dealing with.
    Backround, ex and I have a 9 year old daughter. EOW arrangement but 50/50 in the summer. 3 years ago my ex had a son with her current boyfriend. My wife and I are married with a 1 year old daughter.
    Our 9 year old daughter is terrified of her brother, she has seemed down in the dumps for awhile and claims he is always throwing things at her, chases her, wakes her up in the middle of the night and is constantly trying to hurt her. My daughter is by no means a tough kid, I understand that. But she seems genuinely affected by her brothers actions. To the point where my wife was asking her about feelings and what would make her happy and what not, and she said the only thing that would make her happy was not having a brother. From what I can gather, her brother is mean to all women including my ex, grandmas and so on, but he is nice and friendly with guys (including me, he actually likes me). It doesn't help that our young daughter idolizes her older sister I am sure, she lights up and is so happy to have her older sister around and they have a great relationship. I wonder if I can broach the subject to my ex about how upset our daughter is about her brother? She mentioned casually that her mom and boyfriend are off for a week in the summer with her, but unfortunately her brother had to be home that week too.
    I am just at a loss, my wife and I want to help my daughter as best we can, but its totally out of our control. She is genuinely showing signs of depression because of him and he is only 3 years old. Thank you for your help. She has been though a lot, with many many moves and school changes so far with her mom and I just want to do whats best for her.

  • #2
    The boy is only 3 years old as you say - so this bad behavior is not unusual.

    "my wife was asking her about feelings and what would make her happy and what not, and she said the only thing that would make her happy was not having a brother."

    I can't tell you how many times I have expressed that opinioin about my own brother - now, as adults we are the best of friends. I believe this will pass ...

    Even intact families will have to deal with siblings not getting along, probably more so when there is shared parenting and step-siblings.

    Moving and changing schools often is no reason for a child to become, as you say, depressed. This could be pre-teen blues kicking in?

    Give it some time, the boy may grow out of this bad behavior. If daughter's depression does not improve, perhaps you could talk with a trusted teacher or school councilor. (They've seen it all!)

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    • #3
      I don't think that there's much to be gained from talking to your ex about this. It sounds like normal, albeit very annoying, three-year-old behavior. I think your best bet is to make your daughter feel as loved and welcomed as possible when she's in your home. Remind her that she's a big kid, and she can handle this. If you or your wife have your own stories about not getting along with siblings, maybe you could share those.

      A couple of possibilities:

      Is your daughter feeling jealous of the stepbrother? She may be wishing Mom and Stepdad had more time for her and weren't always looking after him.

      Is your daughter undergoing any other big changes (school, residence, friend group, etc)? Sometimes kids will express negative emotions towards a particular person when the real cause of their distress is something else. They may not even be aware that they're displacing their feelings.

      Is she hitting puberty a bit early? (Developing physically, moodiness, etc). Puberty can throw even the most good-natured kids completely out of whack.

      If your daughter's signs of unhappiness persist into the fall, I second Janibel''s suggestion of talking a school counsellor in September about what's normal and what isn't.

      (For what it's worth, my daughter has a lot of negative feelings about her stepsister [Dad remarried someone with a daughter]. She even used the same line as your daughter - "I would be happy if I didn't have to have a stepsister". She would get especially upset about Stepsister whenever something else was bothering her - Dad and Stepmom moving, problems with friends at school, etc. I told her that she doesn't have to be best friends with Stepsister, but she does have to figure out how to live with her, because Stepsister is going to be in her life for a long time. I also told her that people and relationships change over time, so even if they don't get along well now, they might be really good friends when they're teenagers or adults, and gave me and my brother as an example).

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