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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #141  
Old 01-27-2014, 10:56 PM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
The issue isn't specifically about nail polish. The issue is that the bio-mom doesn't enjoy reminders that her child may have had fun with another mother figure over at dad's place.

Either step-mom has to erase the evidence (remove the polish just before exchange time, don't make crafts to send back to bio-mom, and tell the kid not to talk about the weekend) or bio-mom has to get over herself.
And how sad for the child not to be able to make crafts or show biomom something she is excited about, because biomom is busy acting like a child? It would seem in this situation, mom is being the unreasonable one, not Dad or step mom.

Tell me something ms mom... If Dad is okay with it, why doesn't mom have to respect his wishes? Why is it that only Dad and step mom have to respect biomom's wishes?
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  #142  
Old 01-27-2014, 11:12 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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I actually only responded to the nail polish comment as to indicate that I think all parents..both bio and step parents...need to minimize/eliminate using the kids to "tell-on" the other parent. You don't know why the bio mom is taking the nail polish off and listening to the kid's version of the story isn't credible.

It happens a lot on this forum that someone will tell a story about the other parent but they received the information through a child..often small children. They take it as a surgical explanation of the event and then flame about it endlessly.

The fact is that 1) children with HC divorced parents often play one off the other as part of the negotiation process to gain favor with one or the other party...2) the stories are a highly unreliable version of events...and 3) parents who encourage this kind of story-telling from the kids are really compromising their kid's emotional health.

In my opinion, with regard to the nail polish in general...you should do what you want at your house. Put the nail polish on when the kidlet is at your house...and the bio mom can take it off if she wants to. Why make mountains out of mole hills?
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  #143  
Old 01-27-2014, 11:21 PM
MS Mom MS Mom is offline
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
And how sad for the child not to be able to make crafts or show biomom something she is excited about, because biomom is busy acting like a child? It would seem in this situation, mom is being the unreasonable one, not Dad or step mom.

Tell me something ms mom... If Dad is okay with it, why doesn't mom have to respect his wishes? Why is it that only Dad and step mom have to respect biomom's wishes?
Not once did I say that Dad's wishes did not have to be respected. I never brought Dad into the equation at all. I seriously doubt dad has a huge opinion on nail polish and I doubt that step-mom has ever consulted with dad on the whole issue.

This apparently bothers the mom, or it doesn't. The step-mom's perception is that it definitely bothers the mom.

So, step-mom digs her heels in screams that she has the rights, yadda, yadda, yadda and continues to paint the child's nails even though step-mom will be further "bothered" when the child returns without the nail polish.

So, tell me, why perpetuate the issue? Why? Because you have a "right"? Well, mom has a "right" to remove said nail polish in her home. So, quit crabbing about it step-mom. Why let it bother YOU?

My opinions on step-moms - well some are good, some not so good - pretty much the same with any mom. But, in a blended family environment, getting "bothered" by nail polish - on or off - is really just symptomatic of a much larger issue.

Last edited by MS Mom; 01-27-2014 at 11:24 PM.
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  #144  
Old 01-27-2014, 11:44 PM
MS Mom MS Mom is offline
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Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I actually only responded to the nail polish comment as to indicate that I think all parents..both bio and step parents...need to minimize/eliminate using the kids to "tell-on" the other parent. You don't know why the bio mom is taking the nail polish off and listening to the kid's version of the story isn't credible.

It happens a lot on this forum that someone will tell a story about the other parent but they received the information through a child..often small children. They take it as a surgical explanation of the event and then flame about it endlessly.

The fact is that 1) children with HC divorced parents often play one off the other as part of the negotiation process to gain favor with one or the other party...2) the stories are a highly unreliable version of events...and 3) parents who encourage this kind of story-telling from the kids are really compromising their kid's emotional health.

In my opinion, with regard to the nail polish in general...you should do what you want at your house. Put the nail polish on when the kidlet is at your house...and the bio mom can take it off if she wants to. Why make mountains out of mole hills?
I agree PH. Healthy boundaries that demonstrate a respect for each other's role is important. Those boundaries aren't cut and dry and need to be developed as you go. There needs to be a willingness to be open enough to pick up on the cues as you go along, and not be personally offended by it. By doing this I now know not to buy my step-son a new winter coat. Why? Who cares.
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  #145  
Old 01-28-2014, 12:00 AM
MS Mom MS Mom is offline
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
And how sad for the child not to be able to make crafts or show biomom something she is excited about, because biomom is busy acting like a child? It would seem in this situation, mom is being the unreasonable one, not Dad or step mom.
I don't think any of the above was brought up at all. The only point I was trying to make is not every action by mom is adversarial and to read conflict into everything will only get you conflict.

The step-mom I deal with swooped in, took over, eliminated my daughter from her father's life and then took dad 2500 km away. She put my daughter on a diet when she was 8 years old (and only three weeks into ... surprise, I'm your new step-mom) and completely and totally devastated my daughter's self-esteem. She's managed to raise two children - 21 and 19. The 21 year old is currently facing felony charges and the 19 year old is just about to get married - for the second time.

And even I don't believe that step-moms are all bad, despite the grief the one in my life has handed me. I believe I said earlier in the thread that if the step-mom I dealt with had a tenth of the compassion and capability of the step-moms in this thread, I'd be pleased as punch. But, she doesn't.

Pick your battles, because believe me, they could be significantly worse. Don't get bothered because mom has her barriers with her children. They just may be absolutely everything she has.
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  #146  
Old 01-28-2014, 07:36 AM
Mess Mess is offline
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Originally Posted by MS Mom View Post
The context wasn't in "let's all go to the spa"...it's step-mom is painting her nails and the child wants it too.

God forbid you should do as the mother of the child wishes and not what the child wishes. That would be absolute horrible step-parenting wouldn't it?
The mother of my children has no say whatsoever about what goes on with the children when they are at my home.
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  #147  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:24 AM
good_mom good_mom is offline
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Wow busy night on the Forum...

To clarify:

Child did not rat mom out...fully removed nail polish after 2 days is obvious and after the thrid time it happen, I stopped puting mine on when D4 is around.

I think many, need to go look at toys stores and see that they do sell nail polish kits for young girls.

I don't bring her to get her hair cut, nor would I. I will not bring her to get a bra, or get her prom dress but I will bring her with dad to get clothig for her home with us.


I did not say, What bothers me! I said: What I do find difficult about being a step parent: meaning it is difficult to know limitations when something as little as putting on nail polish seems to be an issue.

Bi-mom was the first one to put it on her....if mom hadn’t I would not have done this. Dad had even put some on her before I did.

FYI if mom was so bothered by it, she could have e-mailed dad instead of taking it off of D4.

When she has some from mom's we leave it on and it last for weeks.

Oh...so should I then let bio-mom help D4 pick out her summer dress for our wedding then? Insert sarcasm here!

My point is this....no matter what children should not be use to get to anyone....you have an issue, send an e-mail to the adults and handle it like adults.

I left this one alone because really it is just nail polish. I found it petty and bringing attention to it would have put the child in the middle of this pettiness.

I was using it as an example of adult pettiness...Just saying!

Thank you all for your perspective....

Last edited by good_mom; 01-28-2014 at 08:34 AM.
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  #148  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:26 AM
Toutou Toutou is offline
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MS Mom, you are completely missing the point here, probably due to your bad experience with your daughter's stepmom.

The point is that sometimes, some, not all of moms, do things, like taking nail polish off as soon as their daughters come home and saying how it is not nice color, or any other negative comments. In this situation, mom is not happy that stepmom did something with their kid that the kid enjoyed. So, with all the negative comments, they are making that experience a negative one. Next time, her daughter will probably ask stepmom, can you please take nail polish before I leave to my mom's house (at least similar things happen in our household). So what mom accomplished is that kid is afraid to show that they had any positive experiences at their dad's and stepmom's. But in all of this, it is te kid that is hurt, not dad or stepmom, except that it hurt us that the kid is hurt). And mom is happy, because she doesn't hear about any good things that happened at dad's house anymore, because, well it is just to hurtful for mom. But make no mistake, kids still want to do those kids, like putting nail polish, or doing crafts, or getting a new toy, they just don't want their mom to know about it. After all, it is mom that is missing out on stuff.
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  #149  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:28 AM
Berner_Faith Berner_Faith is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
The mother of my children has no say whatsoever about what goes on with the children when they are at my home.
Exactly my point.

I don't think the issue is the nail polish, I think the issue is bio-mom (in this case). Even if Dad wasn't consulted every time step mom put nail polish on the little girl, who cares? It stands to reason he knows it has happened and has not objected to it, so there is no valid reason to get his input every time.

What happens in Dad and step moms house is their business and what happens in Mom (and step dad's?) house is their business. If Mom wants to take it off, she is obligated to do so, but if Dad or step mom put it back on, so be it.

Is getting upset over Mom taking it off worth it? No, because she is being petty in my opinion, if she is only doing it because it went on at Dad's house, but that doesn't mean Mom gets to stomp her feet and get her way.

It is really sad when kids are put in this type of situation. I can honestly say, my step kids are very vocal... D6 more than S8, but nonetheless, I do think they feel the stress that their Mom sometimes puts on them.

I will give you an example.

There have been multiple times the kids have come to us covered in tattoos.... I am not just talking 1-2, I am talking over a dozen, on their arms, legs, belly and back, okay whatever, they are kids, doesn't bother us at all. This past summer we took the kids and a couple of their friends to the beach carnival. There was a booth doing face painting and putting on tattoos. The girls asked if they could get one, sure why not. The 3 girls all got matching tattoos and were really excited about it.

A few days later they went back to their mom's... Dad calls a couple days after that to say hello and good night like he usually does. D6 is upset on the phone because Mom scrubbed her tattoo off and it hurt. She was sad she had to take it off... Now maybe there were viable reasons for Mom wanting it off and we could understand if we crossed a boundary because D6 never had a fake tattoo before... but to us, it seemed like Mom only did it because it happened at OUR house. Next time we went to the beach carnival, D6 explained that she was not allowed to get another tattoo because Mom said she wasn't allowed to get tattoos with Dad or I.

Did Mom really say that? Maybe, maybe not, but maybe that is the way the little girl interpreted it when Mom took it off her.

We have had the same issues with trimming the kids hair. Only MOM is allowed to take them to get their hair cut, according to them.

Oh well, it is what it is and we will continue to parent in our house as we see fit and Mom is welcome to do the same.
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  #150  
Old 01-28-2014, 08:46 AM
Mess Mess is offline
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Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Exactly my point..
Agree with all that. I just want to add that independant decision making in each home is the starting point. If the other parent has a suggestion, or an ongoing concern, their starting point should be that they have no right to interfer, but that they have a right to start a conversation.

My kids have best friends at school, I know the parents, there are playdates and sleepovers. I don't tell the other parents how they should parent, and if my daughter came home with nail polish on after a sleepover, I would say "How nice!" and that would be the end of it.

After divorce, we are autonomous individuals with completely separate households. There is no innate right to have any decision making over what goes on in the other home. I strongly suspect that a parent who has complaints about the other household would be aghast if the other parent started criticizing their parenting.

Any input that we have with the other parent is through their own graciousness to be open. It is not something we can demand; it is something we have to earn.
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