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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 12-29-2018, 02:51 AM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Default Power struggles as a targeted parent

Short story short... Child and I had amazing close relationship. Mom started bad mouthing me to child.. child started thinking I was bad and mom was good. I commennced motion to change, got OCL appointed and they found out mom and family disparaging me to the point child had nothing good to say about me - just daddy is bad. They recommended expanded access and re integeration.

I've won 50.50 access (2.2.5.5) and joint custody and looking into re integeration now. It is all in a final court order.

Issue is, I am sometimes faced with power struggles with child. Same ones teachers have noticed and mom has mentioned in some documents to 3rd parties she has noticed Too. Child is very defensive and resistant and defiant at times. It has gotten to the point that child will just walk away and avoid me and label me as the bad parent when I set limits and give out negative consequences for bad behaviour. Such as banning video games or YouTube for the day. Then I am the bad person who is always mean.

I am also worried in re integeration child and mom will say there is no bad mouthing and issue is with my parenting.

I have read the books and taken parenting courses , and will be taking some counselling but am wanting to hear from you folks if I need to do anything differently and what to do moving forward. It seems child's experiences with me are bad because she is getting in trouble a lot - and from child's perspective always mean to and yelled at, and "treated like garbage". I still take her to do fun stuff together and that seems to help rebuild the relationship and trust for a bit. This includes skiing skating and visiting with her cousins. But comes next day and child is staying up late to watch YouTube and I say time up bed time - I am mean for not letting her stay up another 25 minutes to finish her video.

Child is 9.5 and girl. My biggest concern is being one of those dad's who has bad relationship with their daughter. Especially concerning as child gets closer to age of 12.

Last edited by tunnelight; 12-29-2018 at 02:56 AM.
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Old 12-29-2018, 03:51 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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If it makes you feel any better...this is normal behaviour fo4 a kid that age, and for a few years to come. Especially when it comes to electronics, video games etc. Almost every parent I know has this struggle as the kids are growing up immersed in electronics world.

My suggestion would be to set specific times where the child can be connected and the rest of the time they aren't - homework excluded. I would also suggest that right before bed not be one of those times. If they're online or watching tv etc right before bed is the most difficult time to get them to unplug. Find something the two of you do for the last hour before bed, or assign some kind of task that needs doing before bed (feed the cat/fish/hamster etc.) that gets her disconnected and moving in a different direction.

Ignore the garbage talk, some is also an age thing, but you can address the crap talk by not addressing it at all. When she crap talks, you literally tune out and refuse to respond at all to anything that isn't polite or civil. Speak with her about it when she's not heated, at a later time or another day when things are calm. A good conversation starter can be "what are you looking to accomplish when you do that?" And can help her self - realize. Another approach i found helpful was asking what she thinks you should do when she is acting out, decide on consequences together - and follow through.
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Old 12-30-2018, 03:59 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My siblings kids all tell their parents they’re awful, mean, horrible etc when they have disciplined them. The problem for you is that you are divorced.

Relax. Being a parent isn’t easy but you are doing the right things!
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Old 12-31-2018, 09:19 AM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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https://www.scarymommy.com/this-is-9...?utm_source=FB

All about 9 year olds!
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Old 01-14-2019, 10:32 AM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Thanks Blink. All of that has helped me and the child become closer. However, the child will still act out at times where it seems her attitude towards me is manifesting from comments made by the other parent to the child about me. This behaviour doesn't emerge when only playing video games. It can happen at anytime she feels frustrated about any one thing. I'm following the same advice for comments a normal child would make and just ignoring it and just be an awesome dad. It also helps sometimes to wait for the child to be calm and discuss things at a later time when the child is calm, then you can actually reason with them. Think's the best I can do as a targeted dad.
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