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Australia, article: Shared parenting for divorce couples 'harmful to children'

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  • #16
    Hammerdad,

    I appreciate your feedback. We have shared parenting (albeit temporary). We have 50-50 and I don't dispute that. I have gone through counselling and continue to do so. Yes, he continues to intimidate me, but I stand up to him now. It's hard, really hard. And yes, I can see a little co-operations starting. But then next time we have to communicate, he reverts back to controlling. Does this sound like he is acting in our child's best interest? By preventing what is best for her?

    I can only do so much, try so hard. He however has refused to go to counselling, claims that he suddenly does not have any mental issues (despite 10 years of treatment) and is showing everyone the perfectly cooperative father role. He is a well known Jekyl and Hyde character. Which is what makes it so hard for anyone to believe anything I say happened.

    Maybe becasue I am big enough to acknowledge his efforts to be a good dad it seems that there is more potential here for shared parenting than there really is. I will take credit for that, since I am the one who has done everyting I can to make it work. I have bent over backward to design a parenting plan that allows the 50-50 to continue, despite recommendations from lawyers and counsellors. Because I BELEIEVE he deserves his daughter, and she deserves him.

    But just because I know he has good intentions and is starting to become a great dad, doesn't mean that I should erase his past behaviour. Some very wise people have told me that a leopard doesn't change their spots. I've done everything I can to limit contact with him to prevent communication over anything but our child, but when we do have to commuicate he starts his manipulation all over again. Should I have to apologise because it still hurts? Should he be able to continue to hurt me (intentionally) just because he has a right as a parent?

    I don't have the answers to that. I wish it were as simple as you claim (get over it, get counselling and parenting class). It's not. When one person refuse to move on and move forward (like my ex does) then the other person is left doing what they can to make the best of it. Don't assume that I am not trying my best. I'm only human.

    Lost father: I'm sorry that your ex set you up that way. That is not what I am doing. I could have had him charged, but I didn't. I am seeking 50-50 with final decision making when there is no agreement.
    FWIW, we have limited contact now, and there is less conflict. I refuse his calls, unless emergency, and there is little written in our communication journal. In time I hope that we can parent together, but right now I don't think its possible.

    Comment


    • #17
      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
      Hammerdad,

      I appreciate your feedback. We have shared parenting (albeit temporary). We have 50-50 and I don't dispute that. I have gone through counselling and continue to do so. Yes, he continues to intimidate me, but I stand up to him now. It's hard, really hard. And yes, I can see a little co-operations starting. But then next time we have to communicate, he reverts back to controlling. Does this sound like he is acting in our child's best interest? By preventing what is best for her?

      I can only do so much, try so hard. He however has refused to go to counselling, claims that he suddenly does not have any mental issues (despite 10 years of treatment) and is showing everyone the perfectly cooperative father role. He is a well known Jekyl and Hyde character. Which is what makes it so hard for anyone to believe anything I say happened.

      Maybe becasue I am big enough to acknowledge his efforts to be a good dad it seems that there is more potential here for shared parenting than there really is. I will take credit for that, since I am the one who has done everyting I can to make it work. I have bent over backward to design a parenting plan that allows the 50-50 to continue, despite recommendations from lawyers and counsellors. Because I BELEIEVE he deserves his daughter, and she deserves him.

      But just because I know he has good intentions and is starting to become a great dad, doesn't mean that I should erase his past behaviour. Some very wise people have told me that a leopard doesn't change their spots. I've done everything I can to limit contact with him to prevent communication over anything but our child, but when we do have to commuicate he starts his manipulation all over again. Should I have to apologise because it still hurts? Should he be able to continue to hurt me (intentionally) just because he has a right as a parent?

      I don't have the answers to that. I wish it were as simple as you claim (get over it, get counselling and parenting class). It's not. When one person refuse to move on and move forward (like my ex does) then the other person is left doing what they can to make the best of it. Don't assume that I am not trying my best. I'm only human.

      Lost father: I'm sorry that your ex set you up that way. That is not what I am doing. I could have had him charged, but I didn't. I am seeking 50-50 with final decision making when there is no agreement.
      FWIW, we have limited contact now, and there is less conflict. I refuse his calls, unless emergency, and there is little written in our communication journal. In time I hope that we can parent together, but right now I don't think its possible.
      "Lost father: I'm sorry that your ex set you up that way. That is not what I am doing. I could have had him charged, but I didn't. I am seeking 50-50 with final decision making when there is no agreement. "


      Hey, sorry about that wasn't trying to say that you were, just about that particular comment and my problems along the way with it being used at a "tactic" to gain sole custody. Though I can not speak for all the fathers out there, but I think that there are many who've gone through the same thing.

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      • #18
        no doubt there are many fathers that have been "set-up". I know you weren't implying that I was doing that. No harm, no foul!

        Comment


        • #19
          Billie,

          It isn't a matter of getting over it. It is more just moving on. The past is the past, yes it sucks, it hurts and we should always remember what happened so that we stay wise and never let our guard down when dealing with these ex's.

          M ex was abusive to me. She would constantly put me down, to the point where it was like I couldn't even wash a dish right (and we had a dishwasher). She said she hated me, didn't want me around. But when I wasn't around, she would say that I am neglectful and selfish. She said she was only with me because of the child and she hated being with me in general. It wasn't until her father threatened me that I left her for good. Now she is a complete control freak, to the point of telling D4 what she can and cannot do on my parenting time, or who she can and cannot play with. Even telling D4 that she believes that I am not a good dad etc.....standard alienation.

          I still remember all of the barbs and insults. But I've moved on, found my current fiance and came up with coping tools with my controlling ex. I don't speak to her face to face, ever. Everything is done via email (I have a gmail account where I store all emails to or from her, being doing this for about 5 years). Emails from her that are not child centric or insulting are not replied to, just stored for future use. I will not get into a pissing match with her.

          My focus is my D4. I parent as best I can. When my ex tells D4 that she can or cannot do something on my time, I let D4 think about a bit and explain that it is daddy's house, he takes good care of you and if he says it is ok, then you can do it. I then note in my journal that the ex again tried to influence D4 during my parenting time and move along.

          When it comes to activities or changes in scheduling, everything is done via email and all emails must remain child centric, as if you were writing a business letter or letter to a judge. Emotions have no place in this and can only lead to problems.

          As for counselling for HIM, what you do is you state to the judge when the time comes is that if 50/50 is ordered that you request that you each take a parenting after divorce class in order to help facilitate communication. And then let the judge order that he take the class. If he doesn't he could be held in contempt. And if he tries to control you in the future, if you still to emails, it should give you a quick paper trail.

          Comment


          • #20
            Hammerdad, thanks for your feedback. I am moving in that direction, however it hasn't even been a year since we separated, so I am still catching up to where you are. I know I've come leaps and bounds from where I was when I joined here. I hope in time I can brush off his manuipulations as easily as you.

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            • #21
              Good advice Hammer!

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              • #22
                I'm impressed that you named your child D4. I tried to name mine R2D2 and James Tiberius Kirk but their mum wouldn't let me. Hence the divorce...

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by Mess View Post
                  I'm impressed that you named your child D4. I tried to name mine R2D2 and James Tiberius Kirk but their mum wouldn't let me. Hence the divorce...

                  LOL Mess. My kids are named after Star Trek and Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters (no-not Buffy herself).

                  Comment

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