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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1  
Old 04-06-2019, 03:54 PM
bleudar bleudar is offline
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Default Opinions needed -- chance of getting back together

I am not sure how many people are still reading this subgroup, but I am looking for opinions for my family situation. My ex has left apt with our 3 kids, initially for a short vacation, to never come back, 3 years later. I've asked family members, cousins, brothers to persuade her to come back; I traveled to our home country to go see her parent, asking them for their cooperation, but nothing has changed her mind; she never came back! I will have to say that I wasn't perfect in our marriage, I made lot of mistakes, trying to control her life from ignorant point of views....I worked on myself to better version of myself, which I am sure still have tons on work in that area.


Back to the present, the kids is growing and she seems to be struggling to look after them. They also are not able to stop asking about me, even though we speak on facetime every night, doing homework, or talking about what we will do next when I am there. (they live in the US, and I am here in Canada). Recently I have even decided to look for a job there, but immigration is a hurdle in my case...anyway that is still in process.


We have talked about divorce a lot, at the height of the conflict, in the sense that we must get over our relationship since we are so incompatible, but we never started the process, partially because I was away for some time. Later, I starting thinking about filing for separation, instead hoping that I might custody, which could be faster. But she has always reiterated that she will not be separated from HER kids...


Now, when we speak I can feel that she listens more now, and that she is considerate toward me and my suggestions when we talk about kids. She has started asking where we are and I feel conflicted....I want to remain in touch with the kids, maybe even continue to ask her for more time with them, but I feel like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with her anymore. The last 10 years has been just fight, long distance relationship, constant moving country to country, huge expense here and there, messing everything that someone of my age could generally take for granted...



Probably I am afraid of moving again, or maybe because I am just avoiding my responsibilities...If you feel any of these, please let me know....
Often I wonder what if she has changed, and that I also have changed, but this same transformation has made me realized that she actually might not be the best person for me, for the life of people I care about, such as my kids...and for her own sanity because of our differences in how we see life?


You might already realize we most likely have started on the wrong foot. I agree, but we try to make it work (I believe). I think the kids will keep asking, and that she might want me to move there...But what do you think I should do? What similar situation have you, or maybe a friend, experienced?
In addition to that, what if I have met someone who sort of see me as who am, and likes me I despite all the challenges that I am facing now in my life....I don't know if she(ex) is dating anyone, but I felt pretty awkward about dating until I met this person 7 months ago....How would that affect my options? I have exited other relationship opportunities in the past because I feel unable to tell the other person my situation, because of how it might impact them...I am not sure if I should pursuit this as a new chance to be a better person or move to a new city at 42 with huge financial liabilities.


How do you see it?
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  #2  
Old 04-11-2019, 10:30 AM
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Janus Janus is offline
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She stole your kids from you. Normally I would say stay away from her at all costs. She is poison to you.


But... she has your kids. Tactically I would "resurrect" the relationship, just to be with the kids. Who cares how she treats you?


Then, a year from now, file for divorce again, but this time make sure that you have been a super involved father so you get the kids.
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Old 04-11-2019, 04:19 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
She stole your kids from you. Normally I would say stay away from her at all costs. She is poison to you.
You see a mother who stole the children in this situation...

I see this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bleudar View Post
... I will have to say that I wasn't perfect in our marriage, I made lot of mistakes, trying to control her life from ignorant point of views....I worked on myself to better version of myself, which I am sure still have tons on work in that area.
What mistakes? What did you do? And what have you done since to fix it? why did she leave in the first place?


not that I'm condoning that she should've absconded with your kids- which- it sounds like she did.

I see a lot of "here's how *I* feel about this situation" in your post. But not a whole lot of "here's what I think is best for our kids".

I think it's always better to fight for your family- but "staying together for the kids" is bullshit in cases where the relationship is so dysfunctional that you'll just end up doing more harm to your kids by staying together.

You seem torn in your focus- is it the kids? or is it on the quality of your life?
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Old 04-11-2019, 04:34 PM
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I don't brook kidnapping lightly, regardless of circumstances.
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  #5  
Old 04-11-2019, 05:16 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Aside from the kidnapping and controlling, its been three flipping years. Why the eff didnít you go after custody after 12 months? A short vacation is two weeks. If she didnít come back in that time, start the court process.
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  #6  
Old 04-12-2019, 07:14 AM
bleudar bleudar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
She stole your kids from you. Normally I would say stay away from her at all costs. She is poison to you.


But... she has your kids. Tactically I would "resurrect" the relationship, just to be with the kids. Who cares how she treats you?


Then, a year from now, file for divorce again, but this time make sure that you have been a super involved father so you get the kids.

Thank you for the input. You know, I almost tried that method, but that feels just wrong to me...I am making sure that I stay in positive term with her, I take the daily arguments of what I can tell the kids or not.....I do all of that so I can be there for the kids...I am even looking for a job in where they live, moving from Canada (if I managed to get the visa to work there).



I just want to keep this civil so we don't become worse that who we are today.
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  #7  
Old 04-12-2019, 07:32 AM
bleudar bleudar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
You see a mother who stole the children in this situation...

I see this:



What mistakes? What did you do? And what have you done since to fix it? why did she leave in the first place?


not that I'm condoning that she should've absconded with your kids- which- it sounds like she did.

I see a lot of "here's how *I* feel about this situation" in your post. But not a whole lot of "here's what I think is best for our kids".

I think it's always better to fight for your family- but "staying together for the kids" is bullshit in cases where the relationship is so dysfunctional that you'll just end up doing more harm to your kids by staying together.

You seem torn in your focus- is it the kids? or is it on the quality of your life?

Well, I wasn't a saint, and I know that more than when we were in the middle of our turmoil. I was never violent toward her, never restrained her. However, I did stay out late when I felt that home was not welcoming anymore to me. I felt lost and confused about my plans being derailed; I even flirted with another woman during that time.



What did I do to fix it? I learned my way around this; I went to counseling myself, read books about relationship and about my own personality, learn how to communicate.......But I guess all those learning came when it was too late.



I am torn between these issues, for sure. My quality of life isn't great as I am still not able to become stable financially, in career....In fact, if everything goes as I see it, I might get another job soon, moving across countries while leaving friends, retirement plans, and career to be with the kids. If that doesn't work, I will riding buses and cheap flights every other months to see them as I have been doing for the last 3 years.
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  #8  
Old 04-12-2019, 07:37 AM
bleudar bleudar is offline
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I go to see them at every single long weekend and my vacations. I guess most of the time, we both thought that things would eventually become better....but it hasn't....
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Old 04-12-2019, 01:20 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bleudar View Post
Well, I wasn't a saint, and I know that more than when we were in the middle of our turmoil. I was never violent toward her, never restrained her. However, I did stay out late when I felt that home was not welcoming anymore to me. I felt lost and confused about my plans being derailed; I even flirted with another woman during that time.
relationships get shitty- and as long as there isn't violence....things aren't always black and white. The fact that you can own what you didn't feel was right on your part goes a long way.

Quote:
What did I do to fix it? I learned my way around this; I went to counseling myself, read books about relationship and about my own personality, learn how to communicate.......But I guess all those learning came when it was too late.
good for you. seriously- that is great. it will only help with your relationships moving forward- with future partners and your kids.


Quote:
I am torn between these issues, for sure. My quality of life isn't great as I am still not able to become stable financially, in career....In fact, if everything goes as I see it, I might get another job soon, moving across countries while leaving friends, retirement plans, and career to be with the kids. If that doesn't work, I will riding buses and cheap flights every other months to see them as I have been doing for the last 3 years.
You know - there's a saying that is often directed to mothers- and not often enough to fathers- or just parents in general- it goes "You cannot pour from an empty cup". If you can provide a better life and standard of living for your kids staying in Canada and working to better your situation- then maybe there's reason to look at that. That being said- have you REALLY explored your options going to the US to be with your kids? The ideal is obviously for you to be with your kids.

Here's some more questions:

1. What is stopping you from moving to the states and getting a job- but not actually being a relationship with your ex?

2. Do you WANT to be back in a relationship with your ex? Say you guys could seek therapy and work things out- do you even like her? Is she someone you want to spend your life with? I mean- see my question 1, I don't see why you can't parent with her but live your own life.

3. Does she want you back in the her life? And the kids life? (though- i say that with a caveat of it shouldn't really matter if she *wants* it...you SHOULD be in your kids life). You said it sounds like she's struggling with them....would being there for them physically lessen her burden- even if you could just have weekends with them?

4. How are your kids doing iwth the situation? Are they thriving? Are they struggling? Do they have other family members where they are now? Is your ex's family there?
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Old 04-14-2019, 11:48 AM
bleudar bleudar is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
relationships get shitty- and as long as there isn't violence....things aren't always black and white. The fact that you can own what you didn't feel was right on your part goes a long way.
good for you. seriously- that is great. it will only help with your relationships moving forward- with future partners and your kids.
You know - there's a saying that is often directed to mothers- and not often enough to fathers- or just parents in general- it goes "You cannot pour from an empty cup". If you can provide a better life and standard of living for your kids staying in Canada and working to better your situation- then maybe there's reason to look at that. That being said- have you REALLY explored your options going to the US to be with your kids? The ideal is obviously for you to be with your kids.
Here's some more questions:
Sorry for the late response. Thanks your insight and question; here are my responses

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
1. What is stopping you from moving to the states and getting a job- but not actually being a relationship with your ex?
Immigration is what is stopping me. I am a Canadian citizen who is allowed to go there for no more than 6 months, but can't work...However, there are some options. For example with some specific degrees, one can get a job there and be sponsored by the employer; My degree, which I actually received in the US, is not among them, unfortunately.

I should have done this years ago, but from there, I have been learning Data science and Computer science on my own time for the last 1.5 years, hoping that will give me more chance to move near them...Now I occasionally get emails from recruiters but most of them don't follow up once they know that I am based in Canada. I believe this route is the most optimistic for me at this point, in term of legally moving there, even though the chance is small as I am not only changing career, but also might have to start at a junior position at this age...

Beyond that, I even proposed to her that she should sponsor me (she is US citizen now), which would allow me to work there, to be near the kids while we work things out, since we are still technically married. However her response was the usual: "Yes, you only care about the kids and yourself...You never loved me anyway....why should I do that for you?"...At least that's what I remember hearing...

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
2. Do you WANT to be back in a relationship with your ex? Say you guys could seek therapy and work things out- do you even like her? Is she someone you want to spend your life with? I mean- see my question 1, I don't see why you can't parent with her but live your own life.
Good question...I am not totally sure about this next point, but i imagine that most couple have some form of differences in interest, curiosity about topics, or even religion...We also did. I also felt that we have major differences about how we see the world...I see it a place for learning, growth, exploration. She is it as a place for religion, buying things to impress others or keeping up with the Jones. I see it as exposing kids to different subjects and interests. She sees it as place where old tradition are taught to kids.

I am sure my views are not perfect, have flaws in them and that I am willing to negotiate around those issues. But what my views are neglected, even considered "unhealthy" for the kids at every opportunity for a better, 100%, self-righteous view are accepted and forced to be applied....

So it seems like we have differences in our daily interest, about how we see the world, and about how we should be helping the kids become better. Today, after more than 10 years, after what our families have experienced, what we both have experienced, and discovered about each other, I would rather not be with her in the relationship....

**Sometimes when I think about the implication of the above statement, I feel a huge sense of guilt.... if anyone has experienced this feeling, please let me know because it's so unsettling....***

Anyway, no I don't want to be with her in a relationship, but I wouldn't mind spending time with her everyday because I know she is also a human being who can have a good heart for everyone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
3. Does she want you back in the her life? And the kids life? (though- i say that with a caveat of it shouldn't really matter if she *wants* it...you SHOULD be in your kids life). You said it sounds like she's struggling with them....would being there for them physically lessen her burden- even if you could just have weekends with them?
I think she actually wants to get back together...When we started talking again 4 months ago (after a 3 months ban), I was happy to call her even when the kids are not there so we could talk about what we need to plan for the kids, buying things that they needs such as eyeglasses....Apparently, that gave her the impression that I wanted to get back together also. But I stopped thinking about being in a relationship almost 1 year ago...We both have tried to make it work, but it seems hard now.

But ultimately, she also knows that our differences still remain and we can experience it during the occasional outbursts of emotion that we go through when I tell her to look after the smallest kid while I tried to help the older with his homework over facetime....or if his homework is put on hold for prayers time....(not that I hate that he learns about religions, but...).

Yes, as mentioned above that's why I asked her to sponsor me because I don't know when I will get the job there, and we are all getting older. if I could be there just every weekend, the kids would love it...In the last 3 years, I have spent 90% of all long weekend, vacations there and every separation is disheartening.

I realized that will be impossible for me to be too far from them, even if technology is helping nowadays. She would have loved it too because at least her kids would be in good hands, maybe someone else could attend that parent meeting, or take them to an event...But I guess each person has her own way of looking at the world...

Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
4. How are your kids doing with the situation? Are they thriving? Are they struggling? Do they have other family members where they are now? Is your ex's family there?
The kids are struggling but she won't admit that, which I understand also. The oldest kid, who is now in 3rd grade, has been having a lot of issues at school because of a ridiculous curriculum, which seems to be only focused on preparing them for a state exam, horrible teacher in one of the most impoverish boroughs in New York, and a mom who often would struggle to solve a fraction word-problem.

I have been talking to his teacher every weeks for feedback, suggestions, and also to help him understand where his student is coming from....But sometime it does work...The condition is so bad between him and the teacher that he doesn't want to go to school anymore, doesn't follow any instructions, doesn't understand the topic....He tells me that the teacher and his classmate make fun of his drawing, or his left at school while other students go outing...or the teacher pushing him around....Stuffs like that..

I recently got the the school director involved, asking her also for suggestion...but I didn't hear much, except the normal "we are investigating and the principal will get back to me"...To my surprise, the teacher himself called me the other night telling me that HE was FIRED.....I was left scratching my head (trust me, I don't think it has anything to do with me).

As far as her family is concerned, she has some cousins there, and but they are not much of an help, except babysitting the kids occasionally. For the kids, the day goes like this: school, after school program (usually they are left on computers), homework!

Sorry for the rumbling, but I hope these answered your questions. I will keep looking for opportunities to be with the kids while I work on a separation plan; I am planning to start negotiating with her about the custody of the kids instead of hiring a lawyer as we might not be able to afford it now. I want to ask to be with the kids at least at every school breaks because I think I might not get the custody in court. I will keep sending them money and pay for everything the kids wants also for now...I know this route might be costly, but as they said in flight announcement: "In case of turbulence, put on your mask first, then assist your child"...Not sure if this applies in real life but we should all keep our sanity.
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