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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #1  
Old 05-12-2020, 11:08 PM
nofrills nofrills is offline
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Default ex making up false claims and attempting to establish a pattern.

Hi forum,

Whenever my ex doesn't get what she wants, she sends an email claiming
i) I yell at her in front of the kids
ii) I hang up on her on the phone
iii) I need to seek help
iv) and what ever she can make up write up at the time.

It always starts off with her saying she wants peace, then it goes into a rant about false claims, blame on me and says whatever i do is detrimental to the kids, even though I have done nothing. (If she wants peace, then why would she create such an offensive email.)

This seems to be a common trend in all her emails even though I haven't done anything or spoken to her. I have avoided talking to her on the phone and using email only when i can. On transitions with the kids, i'm recording all the conversations to prove that I am not "yelling" or doing anything wrong. I've been doing this for the last 2 months when I notice an increase in email activity from her. I have record of no wrong doing.

I have not responded to any of these email accusations and I'm just holding it back. It seems like she is trying to establish/make up a behavioural pattern against me with her own emails.

I have also received a letter from her lawyer making the same claims, which is totally false, I felt like I should have had my lawyer respond, but I decided to save my money. (it seems like a game for lawyers to write letter back and forth)

All my emails back to her pure functional, usually 3 sentences or less. I don't email about anything else except the subject matter in discussion.

Can you tell me if i should be responding or defending myself?
Can she use her own emails against me to falsely establish these claims?
How do you deal with someone cutting you up all the time?

It feels like what she's doing is out of some sort of playbook to get me fired up.


thanks again.
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  #2  
Old 05-13-2020, 01:30 AM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Only respond to the child related issues in the email and ignore the rest. Defending yourself is the reaction she is looking for and will only give her more reason to keep slinging mud. Remember , her opinion of you is none of your business.
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  #3  
Old 05-13-2020, 06:51 AM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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If your emails back are as you say functional and you are not taking the bait, becoming reactive or defensive then you get a gold star.
Years ago I did react and then became very brief, informative, firm, fair and friendly BIFFF. And only addressing child related issues. I would correct falsehoods but not with aggression and no counter insults ever.
Her playboook is to discredit you
At trial I was sued for sole custody based on communication breakdown. I did not counter claim for sole and testifiedI felt it was not in the childrenís interests for me to denigrate their mother and that I built her up in their eyes no matter the nastiness. Then email evidence to support BIFFF. That got a raised eyebrow, lots of note taking and a smile.

I for one would like to hear a legal opinion on how to best deal with HCEX inflammatory emails, texts, letters. This since it can all end up in evidence.

a) respond only to child related issues
b) request that the insults cease
c) correct falsehoods and blatant lies
d) no response

Your counter measures sound about right. It is never pleasant being subjected to lies and insults and spending energy on this nonsense. Good for you.

Last edited by Abba435; 05-13-2020 at 07:18 AM.
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  #4  
Old 05-13-2020, 08:51 AM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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1. The famous American trial lawyer, Louis Nizer, once wrote that "[w]hen a man points a finger at someone else, he should remember that four of his fingers are pointing at himself." This aphorism, pointing to the ubiquity of human foible, is one that more lawyers who pride themselves on their aggressive family law advocacy, should take to heart. I recommend it in this case.

2. This is a motion for only one head of relief: exclusive possession of a matrimonial home, where the party out of possession has all three of the partiesí children in his de facto care. Yet one party has chosen to attack the otherís character and drag collateral issues into the case with a rhetorical fierceness that one would expect of a mixed martial arts cage match. The other party, who originally desisted from such conduct, felt it necessary to engage, albeit to a lesser degree, in the same advocacy in his reply materials.

3. Much of the oratory in the materials before me, particularly but not exclusively those of the Applicant, is unnecessary, excessive, distracting, and unhelpful to the resolution of the sole issue in this motion. I offer a few directions below in the hope of assisting the parties, their counsel and the profession.

108. In the hopes of lowering the rhetorical temperature of the future materials of these parties and perhaps those of others who will come before the court, I repeat these essential facts, often stated by my colleagues at all levels of court, but which bear constant repetition:

6. Similarly, hearsay allegations against the other side which fail to comply with r. 14(18) or (19) are generally ignored, whether judges feel it necessary to explicitly say so or not.

7. A lawyerís letter, whatever it says, unless it contains an admission, is not evidence of anything except the fact that it was sent. The fact that a lawyer makes allegations against the other side in a letter is usually of no evidentiary value.

https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/do...0onsc2883.html

Last edited by Abba435; 05-13-2020 at 09:04 AM.
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  #5  
Old 05-13-2020, 08:54 AM
LovingDad1234 LovingDad1234 is online now
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For the OP, courts hate recordings, and often it is inadmissable as evidence. I also demonstrates that you are using trickery to try to discredit the other parent, and not having open and transparent lines of communication. I would only resort to the recordings to protect yourself from false claims of abuse or harrassment to the police.
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  #6  
Old 05-13-2020, 12:13 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nofrills View Post
Hi forum,

Whenever my ex doesn't get what she wants, she sends an email claiming
i) I yell at her in front of the kids
ii) I hang up on her on the phone
iii) I need to seek help
iv) and what ever she can make up write up at the time.

It always starts off with her saying she wants peace, then it goes into a rant about false claims, blame on me and says whatever i do is detrimental to the kids, even though I have done nothing. (If she wants peace, then why would she create such an offensive email.)

This seems to be a common trend in all her emails even though I haven't done anything or spoken to her. I have avoided talking to her on the phone and using email only when i can. On transitions with the kids, i'm recording all the conversations to prove that I am not "yelling" or doing anything wrong. I've been doing this for the last 2 months when I notice an increase in email activity from her. I have record of no wrong doing.

I have not responded to any of these email accusations and I'm just holding it back. It seems like she is trying to establish/make up a behavioural pattern against me with her own emails.

I have also received a letter from her lawyer making the same claims, which is totally false, I felt like I should have had my lawyer respond, but I decided to save my money. (it seems like a game for lawyers to write letter back and forth)

All my emails back to her pure functional, usually 3 sentences or less. I don't email about anything else except the subject matter in discussion.

Can you tell me if i should be responding or defending myself?
Can she use her own emails against me to falsely establish these claims?
How do you deal with someone cutting you up all the time?

It feels like what she's doing is out of some sort of playbook to get me fired up.


thanks again.
Her emails do not require a response if they are not telated to the kids. You do not need to defend yourself.

If you did feel the need to reply to her, a simple "None of this happened" is sufficient. You could choose to elaborate expressing concern for her perception of issues "As these emails over the last months have been quite concerning, I have been recording our exchanges and am happy to provide you with a copy of the recordings that dispute your perception that there were any inappropriate actions. Given our mutual concern, it seems best to continue documenting all exchanges for both of our protection and I would encourage you to do the same."

You could also simply let her lawyer know that due to growing concerns for your own protection you have been recording all exchanges and have documented that none of her allegations have occured.

You are within your legal rights to record the exchanges and you would be amazed at how much better behaved someone is when they know they are being recorded.
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Old 05-14-2020, 08:07 PM
nofrills nofrills is offline
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thanks you for your help and support. I really need it to cope with this garbage as it's emotionally draining.

I only record my conversations to protect myself in the event that she makes any accusation on me, no other reason. I hope never to have to use it. I'm not trying to entrap her, but i have no other way of proving that I have done nothing wrong.

One thing that gets me if she ever decides to go to court with this. Can she use her own emails as evidence, the more times you say it, the more it can be believed. Like Trump, she just has to repeat enough times or uses key words to get people to believe her. Are the courts systems or judges smart enough to see through this bias.

This whole situation makes me want to fight fire with fire and start making up my own accusations against her, which i know isn't right, but how do I level the playing field. It just seems like an unfair advantage for taking the high road.
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  #8  
Old 05-14-2020, 08:34 PM
Abba435 Abba435 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nofrills View Post
thanks you for your help and support. I really need it to cope with this garbage as it's emotionally draining.

I only record my conversations to protect myself in the event that she makes any accusation on me, no other reason. I hope never to have to use it. I'm not trying to entrap her, but i have no other way of proving that I have done nothing wrong.

One thing that gets me if she ever decides to go to court with this. Can she use her own emails as evidence, the more times you say it, the more it can be believed. Like Trump, she just has to repeat enough times or uses key words to get people to believe her. Are the courts systems or judges smart enough to see through this bias.

This whole situation makes me want to fight fire with fire and start making up my own accusations against her, which i know isn't right, but how do I level the playing field. It just seems like an unfair advantage for taking the high road.
https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/do...0onsc2883.html
A case worth printing out

Fighting fire with fire just gets everyone burned and kids end up in the middle invariably. There is some very good advice already here. Especially from blink. I totally agree in BIFFFF. Brief. Informative (I do not agree with or acknowledge the falsehood in your message. Firm (Please do not send me any more accusations. I would like to limit communication to matters to dow ith the children only at this time.) Fair. No flamethrowing. Factual. Friendly. (thank you and I hope you are well).

Never fight with a pig. Everyone gets filthy. The pig loves it.

It is soooooooo hard to not take the bait. And trust me, the bait will keep on coming if you take it.
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  #9  
Old 05-14-2020, 09:58 PM
nofrills nofrills is offline
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thank you Abba435

I like the BIFFF and your pig analogy. I just hope I can hold myself back.

https://www.canlii.org/en/on/onsc/do...0onsc2883.html

this was a good read. thank you for posting.

71. Rather than bolster her credibility, the motherís insistence on disparaging adjectives to describe every act of the father diminishes it. It tells the court that she is so caught up in her attacks on the fatherís character that she loses track of the facts that she attempts to convey.
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