confused

[janrn93]

I separated from my former husband July 17th, 2006. We have 2 children, ages 6 and 4 1/2. We used to live 60 km apart.He chose to have the children every other Sunday at that time, and he would cancel at the last minute. We have joint custody with access and I am the primary care giver and my home is their permanent residence. I relocated Feb 2009, for full-time employment, and I had inquired about my rights regarding the move prior to accepting the job. The lawyer I had at the time informed me to do what I had to do and we would deal with him after. I trusted her judgement and moved away. I notified him of the move. He filed and ex-parte motion and tried to have me forced to return to the previous city. The Judge told me I had violated our joint custody agreement and as a result of this, I was ordered to provide transportation for my ex's access once a month. Since Feb. 2009, he has brought me to court 4 times. Very costly $$$. He has a federal garnishment in place to ensure he pays his child support because he has been in arrears too often. We are registered through FRO.

In May 2010, he filed a motion to change the access order. What he requested in court, he was granted as such:
-Access once a month with reasonable access from Friday at 1pm to Sunday at 4pm,
-the children have to removed from school
-I have to provide transportation. (Which I have done.)
- his child support was decreased by $200.00 a month to reflect his transportation costs if he wants to see the children
- Child support is set out at $321.00 a month for 2 children.
- I have to provide him with a copy of my work schedule. (I provided him with 12 months worth)
- As of May 19th 2011, we are now in the jurisdiction of our new address.
Unfortunately, he had to relocate for work making it difficult for him to see his children. Our work schedules didn't coincide. He would send me e-mails not to bring him the children because he was unavailable. He sometimes doesn't even give 12 hours notice that he will come and pick up the children and I don't say no. He brings them back at 4pm when he know that I am working until 7pm, making it difficult for me. I have to find a sitter for the children for a few hours when he could stay with them for that period of time. He says he doesn't want to travel at night, that's why he brings them back knowing that I am not home to be with them. He has refused on several occasions to allow me to pick up the children earlier than 4pm on Sundays when the weather is bad. I have driven in snow storms, flash freezes, -35 degrees C. I feel it is putting our lives in danger when he refuses to let me pick them up earlier.

He filed a contempt motion this past January 2011 accusing me of disobeying the court order (to provide transportation once a month) I provided all the e-mails he had sent me, telling me not to bring him the kids, to prove that I have not denied him access. We went to court on May 25th, 2011. The Judge officiating that day did not find me guilty of such. My ex-husband is still not satisfied with the latest outcome and he constantly brings up the fact that I moved without asking his permission and that if it was up to him, I would be punished more severely. I am scared of what he may try next. The children cry when they have to go with him and he belittles them and shows his disgust when they are sad. He has put the kids in time-out when they miss me and cry for me. He denies telephone access to me. I just stopped calling after a while.

Can someone give me an accurate definition of "denying access"? I'm confused and discouraged. I don't know how much more of this harassment I can take. How can I stop this mess?

My ex-father in law has been paying for all of my ex-husbands legal fees and he has been present at every settlement conference, court appearance etc.... My ex-husband had me investigated my a social worker, CAS, police check, had me sign a "Release of Information" regarding my employment situation. I came out clean with every check.

Someone please help me.......
Thank you for your time and God Bless.

[Mess]

This issue of your move has been settled in court and you are doing your best to abide by the decision. Any complaint he makes now is just blowing smoke, don't be upset by it. It is settled.

I suggest you take the high road. You may do a little extra than required by the court order, but this will protect from complaint or litigation in the long run. Keep a journal of pick ups, drop offs and any communications.

Email him 2 days ahead of any scheduled visit ( or 3 or 5, whatever suits your lifestyle) and enquire if he can take the children that weekend, and what time you expect to drop them off.

If he can't, offer him an alternate weekend. If he refuses, acknowledge that he has refused his visit with the children (in a polite, nice way, but you want a paper trail) and state that you will contact him next month.

If he suggest another weekend, do it.

He is pushing this conflict because he is pissed off. Your response is to ignore the pissed off, you inform him that his weekend is coming up, you arrange drop off/pick up times, and you do it. If he's busy, you offer an altenate weekend for that month. If he refuses, he can see them as scheduled another month.

You have a duty to the kids to be flexible, but it is not an unlimited duty to do whatever the hell your ex demands. You have to find a middle ground and try not to get frustrated.

You don't want to keep going back to court over and over because of bullshit. You want to protect yourself from being dragged into couirt so you need to be flexible and co-operative. You need to protect yourself from being bullied so you need to assert yourself when appropriate and draw the line.

[janrn93]

Thanks for replying.
The issue is exactly as you defined it: he wants me to do whatever he demands. At this moment, the children are with him. He is supposed to have them for one week in July and one week in August. He has had them since last Saturday and he is returning them next Sunday. He wants me to fulfill my obligation to provide transportation for his access and demands that I bring him the children on July 22 to 25. Do I have a right to spend one weekend with my children at home? Or I have to comply with the order. The issue here is not how often he sees his kids but he won't back down regarding the court order. I feel like I have no say in what happens. He always chooses when he wants the children and I have tried to reason with him but have only had the court order shoved in my face time and time again. I have no denied him access but he argues the fact that I have on several occasions. I'm getting so fed up of his condescending controlling manners. I basically wait to see what he wants and I have to deliver in order to keep him happy. I don't know what to do anymore.

Am I allowed to tell him that the kids will be staying home this coming weekend? He will have had them for 3 weekends in a row. He is very intimidating and I am scared of his reactions.

[janrn93]

I just wanted to add that I am a registered nurse and I work every second weekend therefore there are only 2 weekends per month that I am available to provide transportation for his access. It could be a lot easier but unfortunately, it is not. He makes me responsible for his downfalls and accuses me of denying him access. Filing the contempt motion was going too far.