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  • Very Odd question!

    I’m in the process of starting the divorce procedures and I have to see if this is at all possible.

    We have been married for over 20 years now and can’t live with each other and my son requests that he lives with me. (he is over 16). When we first got married we both were working full time right up till she had my son and is was mutually agreed upon that she would go back to work once he was in school full time, basically till he was 5. Our marriage has been rocky at best and I was going to apply for divorce once he was 5 but never followed through and she never went back to work because she stated that the epidural affected her back but never got a doctor to ever look at it for 16 years. Now she can sit in front of the computer and TV for hours and hours on end with no issues at all but refuses to go to work for many years. I have ONLY stayed this long with her for my son, that’s it. I believe that children should have two parents and that’s the way I was brought up and what I personally believe is correct. We have had NO consultation in the past five years but with email.

    In all my investigation there was nothing I found with any government assistance I could have asked for to help me legally force her to get a job, I could be wrong here but you can’t force anyone that does not want to make an attempt to better themselves. Now basically I’m on the hook for SS potentially by doing the right thing in a family in Canada (I’m also Canadian). I have never accepted this in our relationship but just bit my teeth and moved on day by day for my son.

    My odd question is this, because she never went back to work or tried to better herself can I possibly go after her for lost net worth from our situation? If she worked we would be in a much better financial situation then we are now but just curious to see if this makes sense or not. I don’t want this to turn into a bashing situation, it’s just a question that was asked from a friend and I’m curious to see if it’s worth pursuing

  • #2
    Give it up.

    My ex made similar committments, then came down with a disease at the point where she would have to go back to work. Except she didn't have the disease. Laywer told me if it went to trial I would have deemed to have accepted the situation.

    You can't get it back, you will be deemed to have accepted the fact she wasn't working.

    The only thing you can do is to ensure she isn't deemed incapable of working now.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
      [...] I could be wrong here but you can’t force anyone that does not want to make an attempt to better themselves.
      Correct. You either support them, or choose to have nothing to do with them. In your case, you made a conscious decision to continue supporting her actions (or more accurately, "inactions", i suppose) when you stayed in the relationship.

      Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
      My odd question is this, because she never went back to work or tried to better herself can I possibly go after her for lost net worth from our situation?
      As far as I know, no. Logically it makes sense, but it is not something that is accommodated within the current legal framework.
      Last edited by Exquizique; 07-30-2013, 11:06 AM.

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      • #4
        There is nothing you can do.

        Because you didn't take action for all these years, you will be deemed to having agreed to her being unemployed. They will think that if you truly had issues, you would have left or done something to proactive in relation to either getting her employed or leaving her. Essentially, if her being unemployed was such a deal breaker, you would've left ages ago. Because you didn't leave, it obviously wasn't a deal breaker and as such, you'll be on the hook for SS. Your gritting your teeth and dealing with it is biting you in the ass now.

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        • #5
          I'm new to this and how would a judge deem her incapable of not working with no medical history to support this claim?

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          • #6
            My odd question is this, because she never went back to work or tried to better herself can I possibly go after her for lost net worth from our situation?
            lol...

            Nope but what you can do is try to impute an income to her at full-time minimum wage. Also, if you child lives with you most of the time, once you impute that income, you can request CS.

            Otherwise, you stayed married to her (for a long time), and as such, defacto accepted her not working.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
              I'm new to this and how would a judge deem her incapable of not working with no medical history to support this claim?
              It isn't a matter of being incapable. Her skills have diminished. She's been out of the work force for 20 years now. What do you think she could reasonably command in the work force?

              She will claim you agreed to her being a stay-at-home-mom, you will claim you didn't. You will need proof to refute the fact that you stayed with her for 15 years after the original time she was supposed to go back to work.

              You will claim she is capable of earning an income, and she will have to prove she is not physically able to work. She may or may not be able to prove it. But she will likely get SS for compensatory and non-compensatory reasons, as she will be compensated for all the years of lost employment that she stayed home "for the family".

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
                I'm new to this and how would a judge deem her incapable of not working with no medical history to support this claim?
                In my discussions with my lawyer, if she claimed to be disabled, then an occupational assessment could be ordered. That would take time and money and by no means force the judge to rule the way the report suggests. Its a crap shoot in other words, and expensive.

                Luckily my ex decided to get a job and she did work for 6 months before being laid off.

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                • #9
                  So our court systems and family values mean nothing in this country? In a nice way its stated that any issues in marriage run for the hills?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    If you son wishes to live with you at least you'll "soften the blow" by being able to collect child support from her for a few years.

                    You will probably be expected to pay her spousal support for at least 10 years but probably closer to 15.

                    A good rule of thumb for Canadian family law is: "No good deed goes unpunished". If you show tolerance, restraint or patience and do kindness by supporting people (your spouse or even step children) the law will enforce that financial support well beyond the duration of any relationship with them with very few strings attached.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
                      So our court systems and family values mean nothing in this country? In a nice way its stated that any issues in marriage run for the hills?
                      Sadly yes. There is a multi billion dollar industry built upon breaking families apart, promoting conflict and taking money from hard working people. There is no such industry to help people work out their problems and stay together.

                      There's just no money to be made when people are happy, get along or work things out.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by 1ati2de View Post
                        So our court systems and family values mean nothing in this country? In a nice way its stated that any issues in marriage run for the hills?
                        You may not like it, but that is how the law sees it.

                        No system created by humans is perfect. In many ways the family law system is better than it was before.

                        Both of us could have ended our marriages earlier. But we didn't. So we get penalized. You may or may not accept it,but in the end, it doesn't matter, the outcome is the same. Don't waste your energy on it, unless you want to get the law changed, which is a considerable project to take on.

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                        • #13
                          So our court systems and family values mean nothing in this country? In a nice way its stated that any issues in marriage run for the hills?
                          I don't think this is about family values. This is about the assumption that when you marry, you partner with someone...you take on all their benefits and liabilities. The longer you stay in that marriage, the more you do that.

                          The law then assumes in divorce that two people that were once a whole are now 2 halves..and they try to equalize that. They don't want one person walking out of a long marriage poor and the other walking out with the same or more wealth.

                          You decided to stay with a non-contributing partner for a very long time. In doing so, you accepted her liabilities for that amount of time. In addition, there's some assumption that you and/or your child benefitted from having her be a stay-at-home parent. And its a fair assumption to make given the amount of time that you kept the relationship that way. If it was unbearable, you would have left sooner.

                          Obviously if she's able to work, your attempt should be to impute her a normal, minimum wage job which is probably the only reasonable requirement given the length of time she's been out of the work force. Also, if your child lives with you...you may be eligible for some CS based on that imputed wage. But that's about all you have in your arsenal at this point.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by FightingForFamily View Post

                            You will probably be expected to pay her spousal support for at least 10 years but probably closer to 15.
                            So i have to pay for this crap for this amount of time regardless on how much money she gets from this relationship for pretty much doing nothing to help the family out financially for 3/4 of the time we are together??

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                            • #15
                              So i have to pay for this crap for this amount of time regardless on how much money she gets from this relationship for pretty much doing nothing to help the family out financially for 3/4 of the time we are together??
                              Equalization is a separate issue from support. So yes.

                              You can be as angry as you want about this but I'm sure she'd say that you and your child benefitted from her staying home. And I'm sure on some level you did.

                              Comment

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