Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Mediation question

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    The mediator will ask you what it is that you are looking to get out of the process, and educate you on what is typical for most people, so that you can reflect on your own expectations. There really isn't much for you to 'do', because you already know what you want. The real work begins AFTER that initial mediation meeting.

    Remember, the mediator can't force either party to take anything. They are trying to get you both to give up certain things and come to an agreement. I listened carefully to what the mediator suggested to do and/or research, based on the initial intake meeting. It made it more focused. If you do a bunch of work now based on your assumptions about the process, it will be wasted energy.

    Comment


    • #32
      A mediator can also help you distinguish between positions and interests. Your position is what you've stated as your specific ask or demand. Your interest is what's lying behind the position, the fear or concerns that are driving it.

      For instance: your position might be "I get to keep the matrimonial home until the kids finish school" and your ex's position might be "We have to sell the home so I can buy a new one". However, the interest behind your position might be "I don't want the kids' lives to be disrupted by having to move", and the interest bidi his postion might be "I want to move on with my new life". A meditator might be able to help you find a solution that isn't perfect for both of you but addresses both your positions - e.g. you agree to sell the house and your ex agrees to increase CS to partially cover the costs of renting a new place in the same neighbourhood.

      Comment


      • #33
        Straittohell and Stripes: Thank you for the advice. I'll go for a nice run before the meeting and relax.

        Comment


        • #34
          Hey, no problem. Just remember to STAY relaxed when you get to the part where you and your ex are in the same meeting with the mediator.

          A lot of people fall into the trap of trying to convince the mediator that they are 'right'.

          The mediator doesn't care who is right. The mediator cares about getting both sides to agree with each other.

          Comment


          • #35
            ^^^ What he said. A good mediator will keep things solution-focused rather than let either of you indulge in trying to show how wrong the other person is. Keep your eyes on the future, not the rear-view mirror.

            Comment


            • #36
              To avoid starting a new thread Im putting this here. Im hoping some of the senior people can help out.

              For the last two years my partners lawyer has said mediation wont resolve their issues with school expenses because his ex is unreasonable. This time around he read the correspondence where she led with a request for mediation. Lawyer asked if my partner would be interested. My partner repeated what the lawyer said the last two years and he responded that mediation CAN work but not in all cases. He said it would be a tool to avoid court but both parties have to be reasonable and compromise. Then he finished reading her letter on school expenses and said shes very unreasonable and entitled. His opinion is that mediation would be a waste of time and money but because my partner doesnt want to go to court, mediation would be a tool he would recommend but "both sides have to willing to compromise. I dont see any compromise in any of her financial correspondence". The other problem is that she wants to use a facility a friend works at and that would require my partner to take several days off work, possibly impacting his employment, incurring hundreds of dollars in travel expenses in addition to legal expenses. This facility does not allow skype or other electronic measures.

              Would it be wrong to say to her something along the lines of what exactly shes willing to discuss or negotiate on? She could possibly be just misinterpreting their agreement which says they will attempt mediation prior to filing a court action. The lawyer said thats a standard clause and either party can start an action without mediation especially if they dont feel the other party is willing to negotiate in good faith. My partner is being more than reasonable, even his lawyer has said he wouldnt calculate/include or consider what he has agreed to and its going against his advise. He also said he would feel confident going in front of a judge with everything my partner has done since its more than what most judges demand. My partner is terrified of going to court. Shes the one being unreasonable, demanding costs that have no backup or relation to s7, reducing the contribution from kid to almost nothing and not considering the net costs of things.

              Should he flat out ask what she expects to achieve in mediation?

              Comment


              • #37
                I believe going into mediation each side is asked to disclose what they are looking to mediate on so he would know in advance.

                As for the place she chose, offer three options and have her do the same and choose one of those. Using her friend's workplace would seem to be a conflict of interest.

                This in itself would be a good indicator of her intentions to actually mediate and settle. If she is refusing to use another facility aside from where her friend works, it's pretty obvious she isn't.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Yes he should.

                  In my experience, mediation is just another paper trail to show that the party wouldn't mediate or negotiate on anything. It's just an expensive exercise to show a judge that you tried and were willing to do it.

                  But in Family Court, there isn't much consequence for the offending party.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Thanks blink. If she asks again should he respond along the lines of "What aspects of this situation are you seeking to mediate? Also, as my employment prevents me from taking time off I request that we meet halfway in X city for mediation. Please advise if you are amenable to this request."

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      I believe that the mediation intake forms ask the question for you, she will need to specify what issues she wants to mediate on and so will he. That way it's not just 'her' issues or 'his'.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        I wouldn't phrase it as "what do you expect to achieve" in mediation", more like "what issues would you want mediator to help us discuss". And don't mention taking time off work etc - if Dad agreed to try mediation in his divorce order, presumably he knew at the time that it might involve time off work. Other posters' suggestions of offering three mediators in between the two cities and asking her to pick one is good (or ask her to do the same thing - suggest three and Dad picks one).

                        If mediation is in the agreement, I thinK Dad does have to go through with it even if his lawyer thinks he could go to court now. He needs to look like someone who follows the agreements he signs.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          He would agree to mediation if it was in good faith and have an equal outcome. Shes unwilling to negotiate anything and has been this way the last three years. She doesnt agree with what is a legitimate s7 expense, wants to include expenses with no back up and feels his income is not being reported truly. Plus the thought that kid shouldnt have to pay more than $2000 from the resp. They have tried mediation before and she walked out when the mediator told her she has to be willing to compromise on some of her points. That it wasnt just my partner who had to acquiesce. When she did that, the mediator told my partner he better have a good lawyer because this was a bad case. That cost $3000.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            It sounds like mediation is not going to produce a good result, but there's still a big difference between "Your honor, I attempted mediation per our divorce order but we were unable to resolve the issues" and "Your honor, I did not attempt mediation because in my opinion it would be a waste of time". Set up one session, go, and even if it gets nowhere, Dad is one step closer to having his issues resolved in court.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              I truly think you'll know up front if she isn't even willing to compromise on what mediator to use. If she refuses to compromise on even that, it seems mediation would be a fruitless waste of time and money so proceed to a motion.

                              It may be in the agreement, but many people don't go that route. Often times one party may refuse to mediate and just demand to get what they want and proceed to motion to get it, other times it becomes evident one party won't compromise at all so it's best not to waste the money you'll end up spending in court anyways.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                                It may be in the agreement, but many people don't go that route. Often times one party may refuse to mediate and just demand to get what they want and proceed to motion to get it, other times it becomes evident one party won't compromise at all so it's best not to waste the money you'll end up spending in court anyways.

                                This is where the confusion is. His lawyer said the same thing about the mediation clause--its standard. Youre not going to be penalized for saying no to mediation and in lawyers opinion, my partner has been overly reasonable on how these costs are calculated and what is considered a s7 cost. His ex refused to negotiate variable terms before when he requested they work together, why is it that he has to be the one to agree to her demands? Its going to take a judge to deal with this crap regardless because she refuses to accept how the courts calculate this and what an extraordinary expense truly is (remember this is a woman who claimed grad photos and dance tickets were s7 on her $100,000 income). She has shown no willingness to negotiate or work together since they separated. Its always been a my way or the highway approach and when he didnt do what she wanted, the kids were dragged into it to defend her. Its not a case of not following the agreement, its a case of what is the point of this clause for a term that is slightly straightforward and she has a "non-negotiable" attitude.

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X