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  • New Partner..Opinions?

    Since separating from my soon-to-be-ex husband, I have started a serious relationship with another person. He's a wonderful guy with grown children of his own...however, because I'm entering into a custody dispute, I've never brought this person around my children and have a two-fold question...

    1) Will bringing this person around my almost teenage daughter prior to having a custody/separation agreement worked out have any legal impact in court?...and more importantly...

    2) Is there an optimal time to do this to reduce the trauma of a new person on my daughter...who honestly, has enough change to deal with at the moment?

    I am trying my best to be sensitive to my child needs and in doing so, would like to simply talk to her father about the issue...but we are unable to communicate about these matters at all. Part of the reason he's suing me for custody is so that my daughter won't be around any future partner I might have (which is ridiculous).

    So my current situation is that I see this new person one day a week, on the weekend because the marital home is still up for sale. However, my daughter misses me..calls me when i'm gone..and I'd really like to just be able to bring her with me.

    I've been as honest as I can be with her about the situation, what's going on, and where I am...and I've told her that she can ask me anything she wants and I'd tell her the truth. When my parents got divorced when I was a kid...I just didn't know what was going on...and I wanted to make sure she is being told the truth. But honestly, going forward with the amount of time its taking just to get to court..I'm wondering whether it would be better not to just bring her with me when I go out on the weekend...

    Can someone give me a legal...and emotional perspective on this?

  • #2
    How long have you been seperated?

    Comment


    • #3
      I have travelled that road and strongly advise against entering a serious relationship at this time. You need to fight off the impulse to move on with your life and direct ALL your attention to your legal affairs and your child's emotional health. Family Law industry in Canada is violent and profoundly dysfunctional.

      The main problem is if you pursue this relationship with a possible/likely custody dispute/trial hanging over everyones head you won't be emotionally available for anyone, not your daughter, not your new partner and not yourself. Please do not underestimate the destruction involved with the family courts and protecting yourself and your daughters well-being will take everything you got!

      Good luck.

      Comment


      • #4
        11-months...still in the process of listing/selling the matrimonial home

        Comment


        • #5
          Thank you...I appreciate the advice. My relationship will continue, however, your point is valid and I understand precisely what you're saying. I am treading carefully as I can due to the situation but I have zero intention of not moving my life forward...my dysfunctional marriage has already taken up too much of my life and my children's lives. I'm actually in a far better emotional state of mind with this divorce being that I'm no longer suffering through the constant anger, noise, and disruption of an angry and emotionally abusive husband. I think that part of the divorce process has been good for my child also. Its very liberating and calming for me to imagine that this part of my life will eventually be over.

          I have had the priviledge of meeting a wonderful guy...he's protective and a big part of my support system and will be a great rolemodel of what a man should be going forward for my daughter. His support through this legal battle has been invaluable so far.

          As I previously said...I do understand your point though...and will keep it in mind. I guess I'm far more concerned about the legal aspect. Although he would have no issues with being questioned in court regarding his background. I'm also wondering if anyone's had experience with this on an emotional level with their children.

          Comment


          • #6
            How long have you been with this new man? I made sure that my new spouse was a very gradual introduction, I let them make a connection without me forcing it on them. Now my daughter has is 5 and has a very strong connection to my new spouse as. Does your daughter know about the new man?

            Comment


            • #7
              We've been together 8-months now and yes, I've tried to be as honest with my daughter as I can. I would never even bring her around unless him unless she was ok with it. The issue is that he lives a few hours away and she'd like to be with me all the time. On the one day that I'm out of the house per week...she calls me numerous times. Although she loves her dad and needs to spend time with him...he's not a day-to-day parent and lacks the patience to take care of her for long periods of time. I was actually hoping that my weekend day absence would help with that but it hasn't.

              I'd like to be able to take her at least for a couple hours with me and my new partner on weekends so that she can get to meet him a little before we start living together. Legally, however, I don't want this to be an issue in family court because I know my soon-to-be ex is going to have a fit over the whole issue. While I'd have zero issue with him being in a new relationship (in fact, I'd welcome it)...he has a major issue with mine and told me that part of the custody fight is because he's going to ensure that no other men are around his daughter by gaining sole custody.

              Comment


              • #8
                His arguement about no other men being around your daughter has no merit, he will never win anything with that arguement so do not worry.
                So this guy lives 2 hours away or something like that, does he drive? Can he come to where you and your daughter live? What about talking to your daughter about meeting him and ask give her some suggestions of things you could do together and let her pick, or ask her to come up with something? That way she is getting the outing she wants and you get to introduce the new man? Expect her to not be overjoyed about this guy either. If she does not want to meet him do not make her, but make sure she understands that while she is important to you, so is this guy.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                  I'd like to be able to take her at least for a couple hours with me and my new partner on weekends so that she can get to meet him a little before we start living together. Legally, however, I don't want this to be an issue in family court because I know my soon-to-be ex is going to have a fit over the whole issue. While I'd have zero issue with him being in a new relationship (in fact, I'd welcome it)...he has a major issue with mine and told me that part of the custody fight is because he's going to ensure that no other men are around his daughter by gaining sole custody.
                  First of all - that really silly approach. New partners has nothing to do with custody unless there is danger for the kid...

                  secondly custody is about decision making. Not about other mans around )

                  I also believe that for the kid having so call two families is more advantages than disadvantages. Much wider range of vision. More role models so kid can compare...

                  Saying that it still important for you, your new partner and all around to not try to put further down and try to replace him with new partner just because he is so great... If you will try to do it result will be opposite.

                  I also would like to express that I am pretty sure you were 99% sure that the man who is now so evil was such a great back then (at least not worst that new one now) when you got married... And from my experience you will know other person for sure when you will try to leave that person...

                  there is good saying coming to my mind in regards of that thought:
                  If all brides are angels where wife witches coming from?

                  work both ways I believe - not only brides )

                  just meal for thoughts... nothing more
                  Last edited by WorkingDAD; 05-11-2011, 01:37 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I'm with the side that says no introducing new relationships until the old one is completely sorted out. You may feel ready, but your daughter may still be harbouring secret hopes that you will get back together with her father. Not to mention it will make your ex more antagonistic from the sounds of it (no, it's not right that you should have to consider that, but against people like that, sometimes you have to be flexible instead of answering with more ridigity). Lastly, I've read horror stories about lingering custody battles damaging new relationships to the point of breakup. I think you would want things sorted out before adding an extra level of complication.

                    This isn't to say you should break up with the new guy, but continue to limit yourself to seeing him during your spare time when your daughter is busy with her dad. That way, you aren't "leaving her" to go see him and she won't feel threatened by the new relationship. But don't keep him a secret either; if she asks what you're doing when she's with her dad, tell her you spend time with good friends doing grown-up things. If the new boyfriend loves you and is supportive, he'll understand, and if he's not, then now's a good time to find that out.

                    Once you have the legal stuff over and done with, then you can blend the family together gradually, which is a process I have no experience with or advice for. But I imagine meeting him for the first time when you move in together is not recommended.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
                      First of all - that really silly approach. New partners has nothing to do with custody unless there is danger for the kid...

                      secondly custody is about decision making. Not about other mans around )

                      I also believe that for the kid having so call two families is more advantages than disadvantages. Much wider range of vision. More role models so kid can compare...

                      Saying that it still important for you, your new partner and all around to not try to put further down and try to replace him with new partner just because he is so great... If you will try to do it result will be opposite.

                      I also would like to express that I am pretty sure you were 99% sure that the man who is now so evil was such a great back then (at least not worst that new one now) when you got married... And from my experience you will know other person for sure when you will try to leave that person...

                      there is good saying coming to my mind in regards of that thought:
                      If all brides are angels where wife witches coming from?

                      work both ways I believe - not only brides )

                      just meal for thoughts... nothing more
                      "I also would like to express that I am pretty sure you were 99% sure that the man who is now so evil was such a great back then (at least not worst that new one now) when you got married... And from my experience you will know other person for sure when you will try to leave that person..."

                      ****
                      Actually I said nothing of the kind in any of my posts. Whatever my ex-husband does with regard to how he portrays me to my daughter..I will never engage in that behavior. Her relationship with him is very different from her relationship with me...but no less important..and frankly, none of my business unless its abusive in some way...which he has never been. The problem, however, is that he spends a different quality of time with her and has trouble managing her for a long period of time...eventually this may improve but its currently the situation. Pre-teen girls can be a challenge sometimes.

                      The dysfunctional relationship I referred to was between him and me (or him towards me)...hence the divorce. I was also tired of my children witnessing it. And no, my relationship with my soon-to-be-ex was never anything like my current relationship...I married very young and for the wrong reasons.

                      I am very sensitive to the fact that my soon-to-be-ex has a legitimate point in being cautious about any new people introduced to our child. I would be too...which is why I was hoping he would eventually be reasonable so that I could make sure he understood my judgement in the character of this new person. However, he's still very angry and bitter over the decision to end the marriage and our communication is nearly non-existent unless it pertains to getting rid of the house or bills.

                      Again, I very much appreciate the advice. I think there's a lot of validity in waiting, however, I met someone that I'm extremely compatible with in every area and I we're committed to trying to make a relationship work.

                      I've been trying to gradually explain to my daughter who this other person is and what role they will play in our lives. She doesn't seem upset about it at all..seems to be taking things ok..and actually seems to be very interested in meeting him. He has children of his own..so is aware of how they behave and would never push a relationship. I do know however that sometimes kids are really good at hiding or delaying a trauma response...so I think I'll have to take everyone's advice and move very slow. Its good to know that I don't have to worry about this being a problem in court, however.

                      Thank you again for the advice!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                        "I also would like to express that I am pretty sure you were 99% sure that the man who is now so evil was such a great back then (at least not worst that new one now) when you got married... And from my experience you will know other person for sure when you will try to leave that person..."

                        ****
                        Actually I said nothing of the kind in any of my posts. Whatever my ex-husband does with regard to how he portrays me to my daughter..I will never engage in that behavior. Her relationship with him is very different from her relationship with me...but no less important..and frankly, none of my business unless its abusive in some way...which he has never been. The problem, however, is that he spends a different quality of time with her and has trouble managing her for a long period of time...eventually this may improve but its currently the situation. Pre-teen girls can be a challenge sometimes.
                        I did not say you said that. As I said just meal for thoughts.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Well said RIOE,
                          Until you have the legal aspects of your separation and divorce sorted out... your new relationship and the added complications that come from it will be severely stressed. I think the reason over 70% of second marriages/partners fail is for this very reason. Proceed very cautiously and only after the future path is cleared.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Difference in Parental/Child Relationships

                            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                            Her relationship with him is very different from her relationship with me...but no less important..and frankly, none of my business unless its abusive in some way...which he has never been. The problem, however, is that he spends a different quality of time with her and has trouble managing her for a long period of time....
                            I'm in a similar situation, only in my case it's relating to a teenaged boy with a learning disability as well. And my ex never really learned to communicate effectively with him. This is the main reason I'm fairly certain my son will never want to live with his father. Not that it's an extremely negative environment, but negative enough that he notices a difference between being with his father and being with me. It would kill his spirit to spend more than a few hours at a time with his father.

                            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                            The dysfunctional relationship I referred to was between him and me (or him towards me)...hence the divorce. I was also tired of my children witnessing it.
                            Also very like my situation, and unfortunately, I see the effects of this relationship in my teenaged son. He has picked up some of my ex's bad habits and selfish tendencies, which are hard enough to deal with given his learning disability. It is very difficult if not impossible to untrain him. Makes me regret staying as long as I did.

                            Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                            I've been trying to gradually explain to my daughter who this other person is and what role they will play in our lives. She doesn't seem upset about it at all..seems to be taking things ok..
                            My son is also okay with this. One of the things I've always said to him is that he will notice that I am happier or at least more at peace with things in general. He will sense the lack of tension in the house...and he has. I have also told him how important it is to me to find someone that will love me (I didn't say, would be a good role model of how to treat a wife, because he wouldn't understand that...but that it ultimately my hope as well -- keeping in mind that it might not completely undo all the teaching he has absorbed from my ex).

                            Just thought I'd share.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Dealing with Unfinished Business

                              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                              I'm with the side that says no introducing new relationships until the old one is completely sorted out. You may feel ready... I think you would want things sorted out before adding an extra level of complication. Once you have the legal stuff over and done with, then you can blend the family together gradually....
                              As much as it irks me, I'm beginning to come out on this side of things for myself, especially where my ex is dragging his feet on the actual divorce.

                              Although I have been looking, but more to develop a friendship and see if there is "hope" for something else than actual dating. I really have no interest in seeing a bunch of other guys at this point (just want to find that one), and since the appearance of impropriety to me is important in terms of my faith, I'm still considered legally married...so seriously dating someone to me is adultery. I know not everyone believes this. Don't expect you to. Not meaning this as a judgment. Just where I'm coming from.

                              There is wisdom though, regardless of how ready a person thinks they are to move on...I thought I was ready a year and a half ago when we decided to finally separate, and then finally physically separated once the house sold a year after our decision. I justified "looking" to myself as I deserve it for the years I was married to a man who didn't love me and that in terms of our marriage vows, he had pretty much broken them from the outset so we were never "really", in the true sense of the word "married". But there's no denying looking back that I wasn't nearly as ready as I thought I was. I've had to work through many things in the intervening year...and now that I'm at the point where I really am ready...my ex decides he wants to drag it out more.

                              I don't really want to drag anybody else into this until that part of my life is absolutely settled. I know it may be lonely, but I also recognize that this time is necessary. Until I finally close the door on this chapter of my life, I can't be absolutely free to start the new one.

                              Comment

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