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  • ex wants 8 yr old to move out of town with him

    Ex refuses to sign parenting plan that says that our son lives primarily with me and sees him every other weekend. He's afraid he's giving up his right to have him ever live with him. The agreement can be changed if we both agree. He seems to think I'll never agree to have our son move in with him.

    I know there's fear on both sides about having less time with our son.

    Our son has been with me since ex left (11 mos ago) and moved out of town (1 hr each way). Ex won't move back into town so 50/50 isn't an option. it's not BETTER for our son to move out to live with him primarily. the quality of the parenting would be the same, but he would have to change schools etc and see less of me and his 16yrold brother.

    As our son gets older he can have more say as to where he lives but at what age? I wouldn't want him to feel he has to choose btw us.

    Ex will go to court to try to get more $ from me but not to get his son to live with him primarily because he know he won't win.

    I'm trying to come up with a compromise because there has to be a solution that works for both of us. Any ideas would be welcome. we're still playing nice.

    (Ex needs a signed agreement in order to buy a place. He wanted an agreement to separate the property only and wanted to do the parenting plan later. I want to do it all in one agreement now.)

    thanks.

  • #2
    As with everyones situation, there is way more too the plot than can be expressed in this limited space. Having said that, 1) How old is your son? 2) why did the ex move an hour away? and how long ago ? 3) what do each of you do for employment ?

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    • #3
      The dad doesn't want to sign away his rights and neither do you. You should understand full well why he feels this way since you obviously feel the same way.

      You state that the the agreement doesn't matter since it can be redone later if you both agree. If this is the case, what is stopping you from signing the ageement he wants? The same holds true, it can be redone later if you both agree.

      I am trying to point out that you are only giving very superficial "reasons" for not signing the agreement. You want to seem fair and reasonable, but really you are protecting yourself and keeping custody to yourself.

      I'm not saying you are wrong to do this, but you are wrong to pretend that you are treating this in a fair and equal way. It isn't fair and equal, you have custody of the child, he doesn't.

      It is fair to the child to have a stable home, but in terms of what you have compared to what your ex has, you are on top and you would prefer to keep it that way. That doesn't make you a bad person, but be up front about what your motives are and what you are seeking here.

      It is important to do this because you have a conflict with your ex, you need to resolve the conflict. That is the task. You won't accomplish that by pretending the current situation is in any way fair or equal, he sees through that.

      He needs a property settlement in order to buy an new property and is willing to set aside the custody issues and just sign for the property. You are refusing. Why are you refusing? What his is asking for is reasonable and allows him to get on with his life and doesn't cost you anything.

      But what it does, if you agree, is take away your leverage to get the custody agreement you are seeking. So you are using one issue to get what you want with another issue. This is prolonging the conflict over the property issue.

      What you seem to be seeking is a resolution of the conflict where you get what you want in terms of custody, which costs the ex on that issue, and in exchange he gets what he wants with property, which costs you nothing on that issue. This isn't a fair offer for him, and this is why he is being obstinate. I'm not clear why you are being obstinate.

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      • #4
        Staysingle, our son is 8 yrs old, ex moved away to live with new girlfriend in June 2010, we both have good paying jobs. he actually moved further away from work when he moved away (his work is E of town, he now lives W of town)

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        • #5
          how long has your 8 year old son been living in your current neighborhood?

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          • #6
            Thanks for your view on our situation, Mess. I can separate financially from him now, and do a parenting plan later. what do you see are the options for a parenting schedule? It is best to actually specify what the schedule is, isn't it?

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            • #7
              Staysingle - He has been living in the same house since birth.

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              • #8
                Ok,
                First, I am a huge card carrying supporter of rebuttable equal shared parenting and this is the filter I am viewing your situation from. Although separation and divorce issues are complex, there are enough "fundamental" elements with your situation to begin forming a particular view.

                I suggest based on your sons age and time (8 years) in the neighborhood that moving to get "closer" with dad is not favorable. I would block all attempts to be forced to do this. ( it appears the dad could move to stay closer to the youngster!) A question: If dad agreed to move within say... 15 or 29 minutes away from your home would you consider a one week off/on schedule?

                Also, how will ex take you to court and get more $$$ from you? I don't understand this? please explain.
                At this point I am favoring primary residence with you, joint custody on major decisions as the best arrangement for your son.

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                • #9
                  Also,
                  Sign off on the property issues!, equitably of course. Let him decide where to by a house after this point. Here is the deal. If he buys a house to far out equal parenting is not realistic...period. The fact you may be interested in this parenting scheme and he freely chose to opt out by moving to far away is, in my humble opinion shameful and selfish on his part. If he fights any of this in court he will lose and you will be awarded costs.
                  I really should refrain from getting to far ahead here before you expressed your opinion on equal parenting.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Mess View Post
                    It is important to do this because you have a conflict with your ex, you need to resolve the conflict. That is the task.
                    I really wish it hadn't taken me two years to appreciate this.
                    Oh well, live and learn.

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                    • #11
                      I just checked with Ex - he's fine with the property division. He thought I hadn't included my pension in the equalization payment. He contributed nothing to RRSP or Pension while we together.

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