Hi everyone.
So on and off, I've been having issues with my daughter having crying jags over her father's anger management problems. He's literally constantly screaming at her.
Its hard to explain these screaming fits he has. I've been at the mercy of them before. Its hours and hours of screaming at the top of his lungs. It often involves name-calling, blame for things you aren't responsible for and a lot of irrationality. And he won't stop. And he's doing this to a kid...sometimes when she's in the car and is totally captive.
I've been trying really hard to put it into perspective and trying to figure out if its just regular discipline or its crossing a line. I've definitely come to the latter conclusion and the behavior is escalating. I've sent him notes about it and told him that if it continues I will seek a change in the parenting time.
My daughter isn't a difficult kid...in fact, its hard to find fault with her except for she's sometimes lazy with her dishes. She has always been an honor roll student, she is quiet, affectionate, funny, happy, cleans her room and does what she's told to do. I never have to tell her to do homework or to go to bed...she's manages herself. She is well liked by everyone including all her teachers. She's a model child. I cannot understand why anyone needs to scream at her about anything. In fact, I'm getting increasingly infuriated by it because she's strong but a teenager and, in my opinion, its abusive because she has no defense against it.
The latest incident happened this weekend when we were out of town. We were talking about university since she's planning to start studying for ACTs/SATs after the xmas break. Suddenly she bursts into tears mid-conversation and tells me that she's afraid of her dad because he's planning to move away with her when she's done high school and she's petrified to tell him that she doesn't want to do that because he'll freak out on her. Under no circumstances does she want to live with him full-time and she has no interest in going to the university he's suggesting. He didn't even ask her opinion...he told her that what's going to happen and freaked out on her when she started saying it wasn't what she wanted.
It took me over an hour to calm her down.
So, in a nutshell, I've had enough. I've asked her several times in the past if she'd like me to take any action...ie, change the custody order so she has the power to decide when she wants to see her dad...or ask the court to order parenting classes...or even just to get her a therapist or counselor at school so she has someone to talk to besides me (since I'm compromised). She hasn't taken me up on anything yet over the last 3 years but this weekend, she agreed that something needs to happen because she's lying to her dad to try to placate him and is afraid of him. I feel guilty too like I'm not protecting her because I'm trying to be reasonable and not damage the relationship she has with her father but I also have an obligation not to let her get verbally abused.
So far, I'm considering making an appointment with my lawyer after the holidays to go in and change the custody order. I already have sole custody but I want to make visitation more flexible so that she can decide when she wants to see her dad rather than to be at his mercy. That way, she can tell him the truth about university and the fact that she doesn't want to live with him full-time, by phone and won't be forced to go over to see him until he has time to calm down. Also, if he has a yelling fit, I can come over to pick her up (we only live a mile apart).
So much of this is about him trying to get revenge on me. He's become increasingly angrier and more bitter...especially since I'm very happily in a new relationship and my daughter has trouble hiding that she's close to my partner.
If anyone has any suggestions on what actions I should take, I'd be glad to hear them. (and very sorry for the long post)
So on and off, I've been having issues with my daughter having crying jags over her father's anger management problems. He's literally constantly screaming at her.
Its hard to explain these screaming fits he has. I've been at the mercy of them before. Its hours and hours of screaming at the top of his lungs. It often involves name-calling, blame for things you aren't responsible for and a lot of irrationality. And he won't stop. And he's doing this to a kid...sometimes when she's in the car and is totally captive.
I've been trying really hard to put it into perspective and trying to figure out if its just regular discipline or its crossing a line. I've definitely come to the latter conclusion and the behavior is escalating. I've sent him notes about it and told him that if it continues I will seek a change in the parenting time.
My daughter isn't a difficult kid...in fact, its hard to find fault with her except for she's sometimes lazy with her dishes. She has always been an honor roll student, she is quiet, affectionate, funny, happy, cleans her room and does what she's told to do. I never have to tell her to do homework or to go to bed...she's manages herself. She is well liked by everyone including all her teachers. She's a model child. I cannot understand why anyone needs to scream at her about anything. In fact, I'm getting increasingly infuriated by it because she's strong but a teenager and, in my opinion, its abusive because she has no defense against it.
The latest incident happened this weekend when we were out of town. We were talking about university since she's planning to start studying for ACTs/SATs after the xmas break. Suddenly she bursts into tears mid-conversation and tells me that she's afraid of her dad because he's planning to move away with her when she's done high school and she's petrified to tell him that she doesn't want to do that because he'll freak out on her. Under no circumstances does she want to live with him full-time and she has no interest in going to the university he's suggesting. He didn't even ask her opinion...he told her that what's going to happen and freaked out on her when she started saying it wasn't what she wanted.
It took me over an hour to calm her down.
So, in a nutshell, I've had enough. I've asked her several times in the past if she'd like me to take any action...ie, change the custody order so she has the power to decide when she wants to see her dad...or ask the court to order parenting classes...or even just to get her a therapist or counselor at school so she has someone to talk to besides me (since I'm compromised). She hasn't taken me up on anything yet over the last 3 years but this weekend, she agreed that something needs to happen because she's lying to her dad to try to placate him and is afraid of him. I feel guilty too like I'm not protecting her because I'm trying to be reasonable and not damage the relationship she has with her father but I also have an obligation not to let her get verbally abused.
So far, I'm considering making an appointment with my lawyer after the holidays to go in and change the custody order. I already have sole custody but I want to make visitation more flexible so that she can decide when she wants to see her dad rather than to be at his mercy. That way, she can tell him the truth about university and the fact that she doesn't want to live with him full-time, by phone and won't be forced to go over to see him until he has time to calm down. Also, if he has a yelling fit, I can come over to pick her up (we only live a mile apart).
So much of this is about him trying to get revenge on me. He's become increasingly angrier and more bitter...especially since I'm very happily in a new relationship and my daughter has trouble hiding that she's close to my partner.
If anyone has any suggestions on what actions I should take, I'd be glad to hear them. (and very sorry for the long post)
Comment