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  • My ex is stealing my kids clothing!!

    I have no idea what to do about this but I am at my wits end!! I have full custody but my kids go to their fathers every other weekend and once during the week. When they go they are fully clothed in clothes that are appropriate for the weather and fit. When they come home they have no socks, no underwear, my son is wearing girls clothes that are far too small for him, his older sister is wearing clothes that are far too small for her or out of season/just not appropriate. Just yesterday I picked them up and my son was wearing boxers and nothing else!! The way I figure it I'm losing one full set of clothes every week! I don't want to stoop to his level but I have no idea what to do about this!!

  • #2
    Ahhh, the complete immaturity and irresponsibility of it all...

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    • #3
      What is he doing with the clothes, selling them to a second hand clothing store for few bucks? Holding on to them for sheer spite and because he knows it is the quickest way to upset you?

      Whatever the reasoning or motivation, you could confront him in writing via email on both of the points that you make. Namely 1) The children are missing several clothes and 2) They are dressed inappropriately when you pick them up.

      How old are your kids? My kids are young but have pretty strong opinions on what they are willing to wear. They will dress themselves for the most part. It is close to impossible to get them into anything they are determined not to wear.

      Keep a record of what clothes are missing and how much you paid for them. Send him a list asking him to either return the clothes or pay for them so you can go out and buy some more for the kids.

      Perhaps he has a pefectly reasonable explanation: "The clothes were lost when we went swimming?" "I tried to do the laundry and messed them up?" Or "I'm not a very observant person, I can't remember what the kids came in?" "I don't have a clue about "girl's clothes" or "boys clothes."

      When my ex moved out, he had 15 of his friends help him pack up his stuff from our home. In the process the friends decided to pack up some of the kids clothes and take those too. I was pretty pissed off at the time, until a friend of mine suggested that his friends might have made a genuine mistake and thought they were his clothes. My ex is on the short side. This injected some much needed humour in what was a very stressful situation.
      Last edited by Nadia; 08-22-2011, 09:33 AM.

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      • #4
        My kids are 4 and 5, my 5 year old tells me he wont let her dress herself. She has very strong opinions about what she wears and is usually upset when he sends her home in 'boy' clothes.
        His explination so far has been that he can't afford to buy clothes (although he can aford to smoke and drink) I think he holds on to them for shear spite. His sister has a girl and boy both a year older than our two who gives him hand-me downs all the time.

        Keeping a list of the cothes I send them in and the cost is a great idea, but what can I do with it if he refuses to return the clothes or refund me?

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        • #5
          They go to him with only the clothes on their backs? And you have full custody? It sounds like he is just trying to ensure that they at least have a few changes of clothes when they are with him. That is your responsibility, and that is what he is paying you CS for. So his comment about not affording to pay for clothes seems quite informative and reasonable.
          Last edited by dinkyface; 08-22-2011, 11:18 AM.

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          • #6
            I am an EOW parent. I rotate clothing so that what our daughter gets sent to us on Friday with, we keep until the next time we have her and send her home with it on the Sunday, so that way we always have 1 set of clothing, can wash it during the week and its normally not a problem. Though when I had more access before my ex moved away we would send clothing sometimes because my ex sent her in inappropriate clothing for the weather and never got it back. So I was paying full table amount child support and sending clothing to my ex that she claims never existed. Same goes with toys and stuff, my ex will scream bloody murder if our daughter chooses to leave something at our place, but I let our daughter take small toys to her moms at her will as the are HER TOYS. The clothing thing is frustrating, why can't you each cloth the hcild while they are in your care and then nobody gets hurt or anything like that.

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            • #7
              Sorry dinkyface, but clothing the children is the parents responsibility, I may have full custody but he still has a responsibility to feed and cloth the children when they are in his care despite the fact that I get CS. He still is a parent. Otherwise where do we draw the line? Should I supply him with food, childrens advil, tooth brushes tooth paste? Soap, maybe I should buy toys for his house and gifts for him to give the kids?

              Fireweb, it would be nice if he rotated the clothes so that the outfits eventually made it home but the fact is they don't. It has gotten to the point that my daughter wont wear her favorite clothes there cause she knows they wont come home and she likes to wear her favorites to school

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              • #8
                We split our children pretty well 50/50...I buy all the clothes, give him half, and he splits the costs with me. They go in one set of clothing to each others houses, and return in another. They are wrinkled (but at least clean) when they are dads house because he doesn't care too much about that-but the kids (and more importantly me !) are learning that there are differences at dads vs moms house. As they get older, if they don't like it, they will have to learn to do their own laundry at dads house.

                Can you send him an email and tell him you will give a couple of sets to get through the week-end in the children's bag, so they have clothing for the week-end but you want them all returned (even if dirty) so you can wash for the next visit ? It's going out of your way, but you might be able to get them back this way;.

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                • #9
                  A head shaker .....

                  Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
                  Sorry dinkyface, but clothing the children is the parents responsibility, I may have full custody but he still has a responsibility to feed and cloth the children when they are in his care despite the fact that I get CS. He still is a parent. Otherwise where do we draw the line? Should I supply him with food, childrens advil, tooth brushes tooth paste? Soap, maybe I should buy toys for his house and gifts for him to give the kids?
                  If you receive full table support from your ex - YOU are responsible for clothing your child. Of course he is still a parent - but he pays you to supply the basic necessities. You draw the line based on common sense. come on now! Don't fall into his trap.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                    A head shaker .....



                    If you receive full table support from your ex - YOU are responsible for clothing your child. Of course he is still a parent - but he pays you to supply the basic necessities. You draw the line based on common sense. come on now! Don't fall into his trap.
                    I agree - CS covers all clothing, it is your responsibility to buy the clothes (with your money and your ex's CS that he gives you)

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                      A head shaker .....



                      If you receive full table support from your ex - YOU are responsible for clothing your child. Of course he is still a parent - but he pays you to supply the basic necessities. You draw the line based on common sense. come on now! Don't fall into his trap.

                      I would certainly like to see where in the law it states that I must supply him with clothing for the children. I make just as much money as he does (including my CS) Why should I have to provide him with anything.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
                        I would certainly like to see where in the law it states that I must supply him with clothing for the children. I make just as much money as he does (including my CS) Why should I have to provide him with anything.
                        You are not providing HIM with anything, you are clothing your children in proportion to your incomes. He pays you full CS, which includes his portion of clothing as well everything else (with the exception of Sec 7 expenses).

                        Receiving full table CS assumes that you 100% financially care for the children needs, so your ex has already paid for his portion of all their clothing. That is how the amounts in the table were calculated. If he pays you full CS, then he has met his obligations to his children financially.

                        When the children visit him, you should provide enough clothing for the length of their stay. And they should come home with all those clothes (unless you both work out something else).

                        Its a simple concept.
                        Last edited by billm; 08-22-2011, 01:09 PM.

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                        • #13
                          Is my Ex Required to Supply me with Clothing, Diapers, etc. when our Child is in my Care since I Pay Child Support?


                          “Is my ex-wife required to supply me with items of necessity when my daughter is in my care, such as diapers; since I pay my child support regularly????”
                          No. Child support generally takes into account the fact that both parents have timeshare with the child. In addition, in order to have timeshare with your daughter, you need to have both the desire and ability to parent. So part of your parenting responsibility is to do and have all the things necessary to have your daughter in your care. This likely includes having all the clothes, food and diapers she needs while she is in your care.
                          If it was prescription medicine, I would say that should be sent along with the child. Of course medicine would have been a mandatory add-on item that both parents would have paid extra for (over and above base support), anyway.

                          Michael Durgavich is an accomplished attorney and mediator

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by MommaMouse View Post
                            Is my Ex Required to Supply me with Clothing, Diapers, etc. when our Child is in my Care since I Pay Child Support?


                            “Is my ex-wife required to supply me with items of necessity when my daughter is in my care, such as diapers; since I pay my child support regularly????”
                            No. Child support generally takes into account the fact that both parents have timeshare with the child. In addition, in order to have timeshare with your daughter, you need to have both the desire and ability to parent. So part of your parenting responsibility is to do and have all the things necessary to have your daughter in your care. This likely includes having all the clothes, food and diapers she needs while she is in your care.
                            If it was prescription medicine, I would say that should be sent along with the child. Of course medicine would have been a mandatory add-on item that both parents would have paid extra for (over and above base support), anyway.

                            Michael Durgavich is an accomplished attorney and mediator
                            Nice quote but that is a US website.

                            Well, I think its a simple concept anyway

                            Try this one - from a Canadian Judge

                            http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...793/#post30794


                            Originally posted by #1StepMom View Post
                            Very well put, ND! :-)

                            My stepson's mom also tried to argue that we should contribute to clothes... and for years we had to buy the child clothes (she would refuse to send clothes with the child for visits). It wasn't until my husband brought the issue up in court that the judge told her that child support pays for clothing and that it is her responsibility to provide clothing with the child for visits and vacations. You should have seen the look of horror on her face! (Sorry... no more Carribean vacations twice a year!)
                            Last edited by billm; 08-22-2011, 01:23 PM.

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                            • #15
                              It is NOT your responsibility to furnish his home with all of the accoutrements required for your children’s care while they are with him, particularly when he is sending the children home in clothes that are not wearable (too small, etc.). It would be a different story if he were sending the children home in appropriate clothing that could be worn in both homes, but, from what you wrote, he is not.
                              The purpose of child support is not for him to give you x amount of dollars so that you can just go out and buy for your children’s needs, only to send it to his home so that they can be used while they are with him. What the hek would be the point of that? He might as well just keep the CS money he sends then.

                              And furthermore, while Yes, you are BOTH responsible for a portion of your children’s clothes but if you have sole custody and their primary residence is with you, then the items required for their day to day care should rest in their primary home. When he keeps the clothes you have purchased and returns them in clothes that are too small, etc., he is in effect, stealing from the portion in which YOU pay to clothe your children as you will eventually need to replace those clothes (with both HIS and YOURS child support money).

                              Having said all of that, the reasonable thing to do is to send clothes, toys, notebooks, favourite blanket, etc. while they are with him as, at the end of the day, it would make it easier on your children. For the children’s sake, you would likely want their environments and/or routines to be as similar as possible and make the transition from home to home as seemless as possible.

                              Given his shenanigans though, you really only have a couple of options:
                              1. Send him an e-mail telling him that you expect the clothes they are sent with are returned to the primary home after their visits.
                              2. If he complies, great. If not, you can either send them in some really cheap clothes (I certainly wouldn’t be sending them in Gap or Tommy Hilfiger threads if he’s not going to return them.) and expect them to be lost forever OR, and certainly not the most desirable option, stoop to his level and when you send them to him, clothe them in the clothes that he returned them in. If you are going to do this though, I would tell him about it in advance via e-mail and explain that you:
                              1. Do not have the funds to buy a set of clothing for both of your households, particularly when he sends them home in clothing that is unwearable due to small size, inappropriateness, wear, etc.
                              2. Your expectation is that at the very least, if he does not return them in the exact clothing that were sent with them, that you expect that them to be clothed in correctly fitted, season appropriate clothing upon their return so that these clothes may be used on a day to day basis in their primary home. You could tell him that they clothes he is returning them in are unwearable. You should also tell him that if he continues to act unreasonably by sending them home in clothes that are unwearable, they will only be returned to him in the same manner in which they were received at the next visit (i.e. you will cloth your children in those same clothing he sends them home in for his visits). Finally, you should give him a timeframe and let him know that you expect this issue to be resolved by him by x date - either sending the children home in the clothes they were sent in, or, in appropriate clothing that can be worn in their primary home and that failure to do so will result in the actions above.
                              Good luck.

                              Comment

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