How to re-focus your life?

[What to do?]

For the most part of my life, I've put alot of energy into my interpersonal relationships. I'm college and university educated but have mainly worked at as an administrative assistant until being a SAHM for 5 years.

My marriage is likely going down the tubes which I can't seem to save.

For those that have put all their energy into their marriage and kids, how did you re-focus yourself from putting energy (making it work) from the husband into yourself and getting on with your life with your kids? What steps did you take?

I'm finding it very difficult to accept the unevitable. I'm angry, disappointed, resentful. I want to lash out at those involved. How can I move on?

[sufferer]

Hi There

Like I told you that I was in the same ship as you so it was really hard.The feelings were mixed which is usual but determination,faith and time will heal everything.Keep on telling yourself that whatever you are doing is the only choice and is better for your kids.Never ever feel pity o yourself always think that you were lucky enough to get out and one dayor the other will find a true companion

[today]

I agree faith, determination and time are necessary, it is a very difficult process, in my own particular experience if you are fortunate enough to have children and are able to spend time with them, this is key, it gives you an opportunity to focus on them....really focus on them, be involved, care for them, be pesent. Again only my opinion but this is incredibly helpful for both you and them.

It can be a long emotional road with varying degrees of grief, anger, sorrow, and a whole range of emotions but it gets better as you continue, being child centered is a big big bonus.

Good luck, it may be hard if not impossible to believe right now but it gets better I can assure you of that.

[jlalex]

Some great advice already given.

The only thing I can say is that with time the anger and pain fades. I remember the first year we were seperated I woke up every day hating him and I fell asleep every night hating him, I was consumed by my anger. I didn't feel I deserved the way I was treated, the accusations, having to chase him around for CS, he was just wrong wrong wrong..lol.

But it occured to me out of the blue one day that by being this way I was handing over all my power, it didn't matter how much I hated him because honestly the only person it was affecting was me, he was completely oblivious to how I felt, and if he was aware he wouldn't have cared so who was I really hurting?

Forgiveness is an action not an occurance, you have to work at, forgiving both the other person and yourself for all that has happened and it doesn't just happen once... every time you relive a nasty moment in your mind you need to forgive all over again..not easy but so worth it.

There is truth in the saying " the best revenge is living well ", so try to focus on improving your life, do something you always wanted to do but never took the time for. Do what makes you truly joyful and happy. You'll soon realize what your ex is doing saying thinking or believing doesn't really matter at all.

[What to do?]

Some great advice already given.

The only thing I can say is that with time the anger and pain fades. I remember the first year we were seperated I woke up every day hating him and I fell asleep every night hating him, I was consumed by my anger. I didn't feel I deserved the way I was treated, the accusations, having to chase him around for CS, he was just wrong wrong wrong..lol.

But it occured to me out of the blue one day that by being this way I was handing over all my power, it didn't matter how much I hated him because honestly the only person it was affecting was me, he was completely oblivious to how I felt, and if he was aware he wouldn't have cared so who was I really hurting?

Forgiveness is an action not an occurance, you have to work at, forgiving both the other person and yourself for all that has happened and it doesn't just happen once... every time you relive a nasty moment in your mind you need to forgive all over again..not easy but so worth it.

There is truth in the saying " the best revenge is living well ", so try to focus on improving your life, do something you always wanted to do but never took the time for. Do what makes you truly joyful and happy. You'll soon realize what your ex is doing saying thinking or believing doesn't really matter at all.

Very good advice. Thank you.

I too have been consumed with anger and hurt not only in my marriage but with others members of my direct family. In the end the only person I am really hurting is myself.
I really appreciate your words as they really hit home for me. Thank you.

[Oncebitten1]

If your marriage cannot be saved then you need to accept that first then you will be able to start to re-direct your energies towards your kids and yourself. See a marriage mediator. That person will mediate between you and your husband to see if either or both of you want a divorce. (This person cannot give legal advice but they can help you both to establish firmly whether or not the marriage can be saved).
Focus on your career, your kids, and take care of yourself. Re-establish ties with friends if you have let them slide over the years. Take good care of your body and health. Make sure you have "me" time.

[Kimberley]

I'm hoping that the person who originally posted the question has already accepted their life as it is now, nearly 3 years later....

[dadtotheend]

And then some. He/she's soaking in it.