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  • Should I be concerned?

    I am in need of some advise. Lots of details, apologies in advance.

    Have 50/50 access with D’s 9 & 4, shared custody of D4 , mother has sole of D9 (long story, D9 is not biologically mine & bio-dad has rights…mom claims she can’t find him, but talks to him on facebook…we found this out after through a mutual friend etc…)

    Final order signed June 2014, I adhered to all my provisions, support, life ins, medical benefits, day care fees , sec 7 etc…. ex however has not paid her share of babysitting fees nor part of the divorce costs nor section 7.

    Mom is relentless and will not stop filling their heads with garbage. Some examples..

    - Ex has made racial comments to my spouse about her daughter in the past, police were called (they consider any racial comments a hate crime, and truthfully my spouse was so upset she had to call them to protect herself) nothing was done. Now anytime D4 sees a “black” person or something on TV she points out my step daughter. D4 claims she does not like my step daughter anymore because her mommy doesn’t like her. She says her mommy says my step daughter is bad and D4 should just stick with her sister.
    - There was a situation with a stuffy that D4 brought to my place, we forgot to send it back with her…these things happen. I received 2 x 5 minute long voicemails of screaming, name calling…you name it. Demanding I put the stuffy in the mailbox and she would pick it up Friday night….we didn’t reply back to the voicemails just put the stuffy in the mailbox. She didn’t end up coming to get it. Sunday I get a voicemail from D4 saying that she wants her stuffy and mom is coming to pick it up, mom is in the background telling her what to say. Fine…stuffy is still in the mailbox and they do pick it up this time. Monday I pick her up from school and she’s upset, doesn’t want to come to me when I ask her what is wrong she said it’s because I wouldn’t bring her, her special stuffy.
    - D4 tells me that her mommy says she never had a daddy and that is okay….I am not sure where she was going with this and I didn’t want to pry.
    - D4 wakes up every night we have hr screaming for us (she sleeps in her own bed in our room) D9 tells us that it is because their mom always goes out at night after they go to bed and grandma who lives in the basement “listens” for them.
    - D4 is terrified of doors being closed, to the point of hysterics, D9 says this is because she gets locked in her room at their mothers.
    - D4 is terrified about not being let out of the car, she repeatedly asks as soon as we turn down the street to home or school. It has gotten to now we unbuckle her car seat before we get out but she is still in hysterics by the time we walk around the car to let her out.
    - Ex tells D9 that my spouse could never be her step mother because I am not her real father.
    - D9 was texting my spouse on her mother’s access weekend, just pleasantries, Hi, what are you doing, I miss you etc… my spouse replies with simple but loving gestures so to not ignore the child but respecting it is her mothers time with her daughter. Her mother blocks my spouse from her ipod and tells me that D9 says my spouse is bothering her when D9 never said that.
    - Ex pretends to be D9 and texts me on her access weekend with dumb stuff….saying I’m stupid and annoying trying to sound like a kid but D9 would never say that.
    - We have never stopped ex from calling the children on our access days or holidays but when we try to call (on D4’s birthday and Christmas morning for example) she does not answer
    - If its too cold out or snowy ex doesn’t take the children to school (they literally live a 5 minute walk away but she drives them when she does take them).
    - She will keep them home from school for what she calls a “mental health day” where she sleeps all day and has D9 take care of D4 BUT is able to take her youngest child (also not mine) to daycare. This is according to D9.


    I am at a point where this is upsetting our lives. I don’t know whether to ignore it…is this the nature of the beast or if I should attempt to get some professional assistance. There is no talking to the ex, she will say her piece via text or email or voicemail but then blocks me so she doesn’t get my reply anyhow.

  • #2
    CAS involved at all?

    Now anytime D4 sees a “black” person or something on TV she points out my step daughter.
    Points is out how? Like, that's a "black person"? Kids at this age are curious of cultural differences, skin color, etc. D3 has asked me why one of her friends look different and I discuss how we are all equal but look different and explain never to judge a book by it cover type stuff. This is a curious age.
    D4 claims she does not like my step daughter anymore because her mommy doesn’t like her.....Sunday I get a voicemail from D4 saying that she wants her stuffy and mom is coming to pick it up, mom is in the background telling her what to say.
    Coaching her right on recording? That's a homerun for you I'd say.


    You will need proof of this unfortunately. 4 year olds say the damndest things. If you record her saying it that's a no-no and stating that she just "said it" could signify coaching to a judge. Same things happening on my end. "Mamey says she doesnt like D8". But here D3 loves D8 to death and doesn't say otherwise.
    Pick your battles here. Does D4 refuse to see your daughter? Says she scared of her? Hates her? Is it blatant alienation that you can prove?
    Monday I pick her up from school and she’s upset, doesn’t want to come to me when I ask her what is wrong she said it’s because I wouldn’t bring her, her special stuffy.
    This is where it gets interesting. The "recording" of the coaching overshadows what should have been done. The mother should have provide coping strategies on how to deal with it rather than coach her on how to be upset and confrontational about it. You could say something like - "I'm very sorry honey. I put it in the mailbox to be picked up but it wasn't picked up. Sometimes adults make mistakes. We're all very sorry. We know how important that stuffy is to you. But I know you can handle this like a big girl.
    D4 wakes up every night we have hr screaming for us (she sleeps in her own bed in our room) D9 tells us that it is because their mom always goes out at night after they go to bed and grandma who lives in the basement “listens” for them.
    So you're saying that because the mother goes out after the kids are in bed that this is causing D4 to wake up screaming? There are many parents that work the night shift and have sitters while the child sleeps. In my situation D3 sleeps like a baby here but her mom says she has nightmares at her home.
    4 year old's have nightmares and very vivid dreams. Be careful with this.
    D4 is terrified of doors being closed, to the point of hysterics, D9 says this is because she gets locked in her room at their mothers.
    Many kids don't like closed doors, same as they like nightlights and to check under their bed for monsters before they go to bed. You need solid proof that the mother locks them in their rooms for inappropriate amounts of time and this probably isn't easy to achieve.

    The texting issues:
    Just make it clear to the kids and OP that when your in their care there's no need to call or text in the absence of an emergency. And if it's absolutely necessary to limit it to a short phone call.

    Be careful also extracting all the info from D9. To a judge it may sound like interrogating/coaching her what to say also.

    If you are truly worried about the above issues why have you not contacted your family pediatrician for a referral for a child psychologist? Or contacted CAS?
    Last edited by LovingFather32; 03-03-2015, 03:26 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Unfortunately, much of it is things you'll have to ignore.

      The racist stuff is really disgusting, but not much can be done. (A racist remark is not a "hate crime" in itself, it only rises to that status if it involves a threat or incitement against an identifiable group of people, so that "Let's kill all the _____s" has a hate component, while "______s are ugly" does not. It sucks, but unless threats are being made, there's nothing police can do about it).

      "Never had a daddy": Maybe you could respond to this by reminding Kid that she has parents in her life who love her, like you. Sidestep the whole issue of who is or isn't "daddy" - the important part is loving, caring adults who can be counted on to look after her. Names don't matter.

      Other snarky comments by ex about spouse: Ignore, or come up with a stock answer like "well, people have different opinions about things". Then change the subject.

      D4 says Mom doesn't like stepsister: Try setting up arrangements where D4 and stepsister can end up playing together casually without D9 being around - going to an indoor playground for little kids, for instance. They may or may not end up being friends, but at least D4 will get to experience stepsister on her own, and may be able to form her own opinions about stepsister, even if she has to put up with Mom's racist crap.

      Texting and iPod: If ex is blocking spouse from texting Kid, that's petty, but it is ex's parenting time and she has the right to do this. If ex is pretending to be D9, that's pathetic. Just ignore.

      Fear of doors being closed: This one is a yellow flag. Talk to a pediatrician or a psychologist through the school about this. If these experts find it extreme or out of the ordinary, call CAS and ask whether this rises to the level of a child protection concern. It sounds like when ex goes out grandma in the basement is in charge of kids - as long as kids aren't being injured or at risk, that's ex's prerogative.

      Missing school: Check with school about kids' attendance record. If kids are missing a lot of school, you can raise the issue with the principal's office, which can send a letter to the parent about absenteeism and the parent's responsibility to get kids to school. I had to go down this route with my ex.

      Bear in mind that the only information you're getting about ex's house is coming from a nine-year-old and they aren't always reliable reporters. Kids misunderstand things, they also exaggerate for their own purposes. I would put more stock in the things you can observe directly (like D4's fear of doors and being buckled in cars) and less in what is being told to you by D9.

      I also think there's a danger here of D9 being given too much of a central role here. It sounds like she may be a bit "parentified" at her mother's house; she's also carrying information back and forth between houses and evoking reactions from both parents. I think it's important to be very low-key with whatever D9 tells you, even if it makes you furious, so she doesn't start to take on too much responsibility here, or get too involved in the differences between the parents. If you can give her time to just be a kid without having to think about the tensions between her parents, that will be good for her.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by LovingFather32 View Post
        CAS involved at all?

        Have been in the past, several cases closed.

        Points is out how? Like, that's a "black person"? Specifically says...that's (childs name) Kids at this age are curious of cultural differences, skin color, etc. D3 has asked me why one of her friends look different and I discuss how we are all equal but look different and explain never to judge a book by it cover type stuff. This is a curious age. I realize this, i think we are sensitive to it knowing how mom is.
        Coaching her right on recording? That's a homerun for you I'd say.


        You will need proof of this unfortunately. 4 year olds say the damndest things. If you record her saying it that's a no-no and stating that she just "said it" could signify coaching to a judge. Same things happening on my end. "Mamey says she doesnt like D8". But here D3 loves D8 to death and doesn't say otherwise.
        Pick your battles here. Does D4 refuse to see your daughter? Says she scared of her? Hates her? Yes Is it blatant alienation that you can prove? Aside from what D4 is saying, i have no proof...
        This is where it gets interesting. The "recording" of the coaching overshadows what should have been done. The mother should have provide coping strategies on how to deal with it rather than coach her on how to be upset and confrontational about it. You could say something like - "I'm very sorry honey. I put it in the mailbox to be picked up but it wasn't picked up. Sometimes adults make mistakes. We're all very sorry. We know how important that stuffy is to you. But I know you can handle this like a big girl. We did
        So you're saying that because the mother goes out after the kids are in bed that this is causing D4 to wake up screaming? D9 says that D4 gets upset when mommy leaves..natural..but that mommy says when D4 wakes up mommy will be back...D4 is alwasy very concerned about where we are and if we are leaving...maybe an age thing. There are many parents that work the night shift and have sitters while the child sleeps. In my situation D3 sleeps like a baby here but her mom says she has nightmares at her home.
        4 year old's have nightmares and very vivid dreams. Be careful with this.
        Many kids don't like closed doors, same as they like nightlights and to check under their bed for monsters before they go to bed. You need solid proof that the mother locks them in their rooms for inappropriate amounts of time and this probably isn't easy to achieve.

        The texting issues:
        Just make it clear to the kids and OP that when your in their care there's no need to call or text in the absence of an emergency. And if it's absolutely necessary to limit it to a short phone call.

        Be careful also extracting all the info from D9. To a judge it may sound like interrogating/coaching her what to say also. I know, truthfully though we don't usually ask, only comment on D4 waking up in the night and D9 will say oh....she does that at my moms too when mommy goes out.

        If you are truly worried about the above issues why have you not contacted your family pediatrician for a referral for a child psychologist? We have, however the ex is refusing it saying there is no need. Or contacted CAS? This is our next step. I was looking for opinions from others in similar situations wondering if I was over reacting.
        These are our kids right, somethings I would never do for their own wellbeing and benefit I find incredibly hard to swallow that its being done on the other end.

        Comment

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