HELP Please. Change of weekly exchange daty

[Teddie]

My ex wife and I received our final order and share the kids on a week on week off basis. Our exchange day is currently Sunday at 4:00pm which really doesn't work for the kids and I. They want to spend a full weekend in one house and always have to drop what they are doing to leave to go the other parents.

This is also a problem because it limits weekend travel possibilities. My ex always says no to me keeping the kids longer than the normal time. Even on weekends that I don't have the kids, this arrangment really limits what I am able to do. It doesn't work for anyone but my ex won't change it out of spite; she is angry that her attempt at sole custody and supervised access failed. She has convinced herself that my partner is the one who wants a Friday afternoon exchange and that is why she will not agree to a change.

The only reason we have a Friday exchange is because when the final order was drawn up by the judge, he accidentally put Sunday instead of the requested Friday. When I approached my ex about the mistake she balked at the idea as she was angry that she didn't get the access and custody she was seeking.

This last weekend I had important plans with my kids. At the last minute my ex calls and says they are out of town and won't be back until Monday night. So, she doesn't want a Friday exchange like I have suggested but at the same time, she goes ahead and violates our current agreement when it doesn't suit her needs. This really pisses me off, I can't make plans with my kids as she has ZERO respect for the agreement yet she gave me shit in front of the kids a couple of weeks ago for bringing them back 10 minutes late!

I am the calm parent who plays by the rules of the agreement we have but I am about to lose my mind. My lawyer says that a motion to change the exchange day would require a case conference, a settlement conference possibly.....essentially starting all of the bullshit all over again and giving my ex another chance to try and take my kids away. I spent almost $40,000 fighting this woman last time and was accused of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, child abuse (physical, mental, sexual)....I don't know if I can handle doing this all over again.

My main question is....is there a way that I can approach the courts and present the facts 1) that the judge wrote down the wrong day of the week in the order 2) that the current exchange day is not working out.

I posted earlier about this and not only are there problems with the interruption to the weekend but there are major problems with the exchange in person as my ex verbally attacks me in front of the kids at almost every exchange.

Thanks so much for any advice you can provide.

[HappyMomma]

I'm not 100% sure on this but when I asked about a motion to change I think I was told one of the reasons you could request a change was due to an error. However, did you sign the final order before it went to the judge for signature? You may have a hard time arguing it was a mistake if you didn't raise it as an issue then.

Also - do you have proof that it was a mistake?

[Teddie]

I'm not 100% sure on this but when I asked about a motion to change I think I was told one of the reasons you could request a change was due to an error. However, did you sign the final order before it went to the judge for signature? You may have a hard time arguing it was a mistake if you didn't raise it as an issue then.

Also - do you have proof that it was a mistake?

Unfortunately we do not have proof that it was a mistake. Both sides were ok with a friday exchange and for some reason the judge wrote down Sunday.

My ex would never agree to change the day and now we have a signed final order. My judge urged me to sign the final order as his take on things was that it was better to have a final order than unfinished business. I now look back and think he was wrong as it looks like I am stuck with this arrangement.

[Tayken]

My main question is....is there a way that I can approach the courts and present the facts 1) that the judge wrote down the wrong day of the week in the order 2) that the current exchange day is not working out.

I posted earlier about this and not only are there problems with the interruption to the weekend but there are major problems with the exchange in person as my ex verbally attacks me in front of the kids at almost every exchange.

Thanks so much for any advice you can provide.

Your best way to resolve this is on consent by exersizing Rule 18 of the Family Law Rules (Offer to Settle). The other parent probably not respond but, you have covered your position with an offer to settle for the cost of sending it registered mail. Make sure you follow all the Rules for it to be a proper offer to settle.

Courts of Justice Act - O. Reg. 114/99

Basically, update the order and wrap it all up as an offer to settle. Sign it and send it by registered mail to the other parent and do it in accordance with the Rules. This is the first step in your cost coverage should you really need to bring the matter to court for resolution.

I am always puzzled why parents on a week about access schedule do not do the exchanges on a Wednesday?

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Mess]

I would recommend keeping the kids over the weekend and dropping them off at school on Monday.


This eliminates any issues of exchanging the kids with the ex and having any contact, or waiting for one parent to drop off, or having plans for the entire weekend.

Although this is not supported in law, if you simply email the ex and state that you are keeping the kids and dropping them off at school on Monday morning, what is she going to do? Sue you? This is a prime example of where a hostile ex cannot come to a sensible resolution.

If you sensibly ignore my comment to do something not supported in law, I would still recommend that you seek for the exchange to be done by one parent dropping off at school and the other parent picking up. It solves sooooo many problems.

[Teddie]

Your best way to resolve this is on consent by exersizing Rule 18 of the Family Law Rules (Offer to Settle). The other parent probably not respond but, you have covered your position with an offer to settle for the cost of sending it registered mail. Make sure you follow all the Rules for it to be a proper offer to settle.

Courts of Justice Act - O. Reg. 114/99

Basically, update the order and wrap it all up as an offer to settle. Sign it and send it by registered mail to the other parent and do it in accordance with the Rules. This is the first step in your cost coverage should you really need to bring the matter to court for resolution.

I am always puzzled why parents on a week about access schedule do not do the exchanges on a Wednesday?

Good Luck!
Tayken

If my ex was to agree on an offer to settle, can that then be put into a final order that would replace the existing final order?

I would definitely prefer a Wednesday or Friday....any weekday exchange to avoid the nonsense that she dishes out during our face to face interactions. It's hard to keep biting your tongue while someone is talking garbage about you in front of your kids.

Thanks Tayken!

[Teddie]

I would recommend keeping the kids over the weekend and dropping them off at school on Monday.


This eliminates any issues of exchanging the kids with the ex and having any contact, or waiting for one parent to drop off, or having plans for the entire weekend.

Although this is not supported in law, if you simply email the ex and state that you are keeping the kids and dropping them off at school on Monday morning, what is she going to do? Sue you? This is a prime example of where a hostile ex cannot come to a sensible resolution.

If you sensibly ignore my comment to do something not supported in law, I would still recommend that you seek for the exchange to be done by one parent dropping off at school and the other parent picking up. It solves sooooo many problems.

I get where your coming from. I have toyed with the idea of trying to force a different exchange day on her but she will push back even harder. She has no respect for the agreement and acts as though it only applies to me. I have documented 8 denials of access since the final order was issued...some as short as 1 day and one was 6 days.

I have never denied her access and I stick to the agreement but what is the point of having an agreement when one party thinks they don't have to follow it. Right now it is hard to plan anything for the kids because I never know if/when they are coming back.

My lawyer always stressed to me that I should follow the agreement to a tee and never deny access just in case I ever end up back in court. At this point I continue to do that but MAN, is it ever getting hard to do.

[Tayken]

If my ex was to agree on an offer to settle, can that then be put into a final order that would replace the existing final order?

You can have it entered and ordered if you would like but, not really necessary. It all depends if it has been six (6) months since the last order. You would bring the agreement forward on a 14B motion to do this. Witnessed signatures are needed and in your situation ILA (independent legal advice) should be sought as well by both parties to the matter.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Mess]

As far as I understand from the Family Law Rules, if an offer, or an acceptance, is signed by the party and their lawyer, then it is binding and my be filed with the courts.

I'm not sure this is often done in family court, but it seems to be the law. I think it is more common in civil cases.

[Rioe]

It sounds like you really do need to get your agreement amended to change to a different exchange day. I love the Wednesday idea; this puts all exchanges via the school or summer camp, and never interrupts holiday or PA day long weekends, so minimizes contact, conflict and modifications to the schedule for trips and special events.

Offer her the chance to consent to the change first so you can avoid court, but if/when she refuses, come to court armed with your documentation showing her denials of access, her violations of the agreement, her refusals to be flexible with you for special weekends and her problematic behaviour at exchanges, proving that the current Sunday exchange has turned out to be untenable. Present a Wednesday exchange via the school/care as a simple solution, and ask for costs. You don't even need to present the part about the Sunday being an error in the first place.

It is in the best interests of the children to have predictable, uninterrupted weekends with each parent, and exchanges free from parental strife.

And you do have the strength to go through this, for your children.

[Teddie]

Thank you all for your advice. I am preparing an all encompassing offer to settle and I am sure she will turn it down. I sent one directly to her 5 months ago and never received any form of response. It really does look like we are headed back to court but I am going to try my best to avoid it.

[Grateful]

One thing to consider about doing an exchange at school is that it can put a lot of burden on the child re: their "stuff". We didn't want to put that on our daughter, so we meet separately to exchange things like sports gear, soccer uniform, retainer... Things that don't make sense to keep duplicates of and/or are too big or valuable to go with her to school.
Has anyone else figured out a way to deal with that?

[nogoingback]

Thank you all for your advice. I am preparing an all encompassing offer to settle and I am sure she will turn it down. I sent one directly to her 5 months ago and never received any form of response. It really does look like we are headed back to court but I am going to try my best to avoid it.

To help avoid going to court, consider mediation. Send her a list of three reputable mediators. Sounds as though she would never commit to mediation, but if you have offered and she refuses, it will shed light on her uncompromising nature and could very well have a bearing on a future court decision and, in particular, costs. If she does agree to mediation, it will be far less costly than lawyers and courts.

[Tayken]

One thing to consider about doing an exchange at school is that it can put a lot of burden on the child re: their "stuff". We didn't want to put that on our daughter, so we meet separately to exchange things like sports gear, soccer uniform, retainer... Things that don't make sense to keep duplicates of and/or are too big or valuable to go with her to school.
Has anyone else figured out a way to deal with that?

As an extreme recommendation you could always get a small storage locker that is mid-way between the two residences. Each parent gets the key and each parent has the pass code in. You can exchange the stuff through the storage locker if conflict is an issue. This would be for extremely high conflict situations where parents cannot be in each other's presence. There are 24x7 temperature controlled storage lockers that could facilitate this in major metros these days I think... Also, they are all covered by full video surveillance too. (If not, find one that is!)

Another alternative is to leave the stuff at a designated time on the front step of the home and inform the other parent they can come and get it. Hockey equipment often exchanges hands this way between parents. You could also each purchase outdoor storage systems that are sealed, and each put a combination lock on the unit. Get one of those combination locks that you can set to whatever code you want and set them both to the same number. The storage units don't have to be huge. Just one of those weather proofed ones you get to put lawn furniture in etc... Big enough to hold a hockey bag and hockey sticks maybe? That way you can put the stuff in the unit and the other parent can come get it. You don't have to "be there" and it is secured on the property but, the other parent can open it.

Ultimately, if you have a mutual friend you can also use them in a similar fashion as the "storage locker" concept. But, you are then dependent on a person to do this and if you have to do it often... It is a lot to ask of a "friend".

My recommendation would be to find a solution that doesn't require both parents to be at the same place at the same time. Whereby one parent can drop the stuff off and the other parent can come and get it. Avoid the scheduling issues that many parents have trying to meet face-to-face.

Good Luck!
Tayken