How do you avoid becoming a statistic?

[Stubbs]

Thanks to everyone for their input. I know there were a lot of questions, and it's hard to address them all... Probably the biggest question people have is about the FRO issue. Even I have trouble answering that, because my ex doesn't share this info with me.

Here's the outline of the Fro issue in point form:

- SA was made in 2009, and we agreed that I'd just give her post-dated cheques a year at a time.

- I never missed a payment, and only a couple of times I asked if she could just wait one extra day because of the biweekly nature of my paydays.

- By 2011 my work schedule changed radically so I only had to work 4 days a week with very flexible time off and lots of vacation and stat days, so I asked for mediation to alter the SA to increase my access to closer to 50% and reduce my support (she began living with her affair partner the day I moved out).

- She refused to change anything, so I began legal proceedings. This angered her, so she filed with FRO for revenge, as she knew it would affect my credit rating.

- The first Judge suggested we mediate with the lawyers, and we compromised on more days and less support (with many other outstanding issues).

- (Here's where it gets tricky...) The new access and support arrangement went by another judge, where at that point the ex was supposed to file it with FRO. I have no idea if she ever did.

- By the next court appearance, my lawyer and I had made significant progress and the Judge was sympathetic, but insisted we mediate the final details ourselves.

- Bored yet...?

- We mediated with our lawyers present and I successfully increased my days and decreased my support. At the beginning it was $1000 a month, and now I was at $465. The ex refused to let me get near 40% access, of course. The mediator told her that she had to contact FRO again to notify them to suspend any action with arrears because our new arrangement was going to begin immediately and there wasn't a court order to file with the amount yet. It was left that we had to finish some things ourselves and the mediator would finalize it, and sign it, file it and whatever for us.

- Flash forward and I have no idea if she ever contacted FRO. The ex didn't do her part for any of the paperwork and refused to go back to finalize things and just kept blowing me off about signing anything after I did all the paperwork myself.


I'm terrified to contact FRO, for fear that they'll pounce on me. But I haven't paid the full 2009 SA amount to them in almost 3 years, so I have no idea where my arrears might be. At a court appearance last year her lawyer said it was around $3500. I just don't know....

[Stubbs]

I'd like to address other things you fine folks have spoke of as well, because I don't want to veer off-topic.

I guess my big issue is the "Divorced Dad" trope that I'm slowly becoming. My kids love 'The Simpsons', but when we watch it and Milhouse's Dad shows up, I see myself.

The hardest thing about the spiral down (for me, at least) is not being able to relate to most people anymore. All of my coworkers are married with houses and all the standard benchmarks for people in their 40s and 50s. And I have an apartment and a cat. My life savings and my childrens' education fund are long gone.

The worst part was the other night when I was invited over to some acquaintances' place for a beer. I didn't know them very well, and they asked about the divorce and where I live and whatnot, and then I got what every Divorced Dad dreads:

That uncomfortable look of pity. All these nice guys with nice jobs and nice wives and nice houses and nice cars looked at me like a sad cautionary example.

THAT my friends is a very tough pill to swallow.

[Stubbs]

Another thought...

I have a hard time with counselors. It's probably because in my work I deal with problem-solving in a very fast-paced and practical environment (it's airport operations and emergency services).

I've talked to counselors before, and while they're always sympathetic I've found that they never have any empathy. They're all well-to-do and married, and I've asked if they've ever been truly "poor" or not been allowed to see their kids or have lost everything and the answer is always "no".

So when I'm paying $120 an hour to someone who drives a BMW, telling them how I had to go to the food bank to feed my kids, it does little to help put things in perspective and I usually feel a bit worse for it.

Do I sound like a crazy person here...? I hope not...

[Rioe]

The hardest thing about the spiral down (for me, at least) is not being able to relate to most people anymore. All of my coworkers are married with houses and all the standard benchmarks for people in their 40s and 50s. And I have an apartment and a cat. My life savings and my childrens' education fund are long gone.

The worst part was the other night when I was invited over to some acquaintances' place for a beer. I didn't know them very well, and they asked about the divorce and where I live and whatnot, and then I got what every Divorced Dad dreads:

That uncomfortable look of pity. All these nice guys with nice jobs and nice wives and nice houses and nice cars looked at me like a sad cautionary example.

I find that it's a mistake to look at other people and imagine that everything in their lives is A-okay just because they are married. Most people keep their turmoil hidden.

How old are your children? You describe your ex as bound and determined to keep you away from 40%, but your children will eventually reach an age where they can overrule her. Do everything you can to stay strong in their lives and you'll never be a Milhouse dad.

[Stubbs]

They're 8 & 10. They love their Mother, but they're also afraid of standing up to her. She very subtly intimidates them.

Unfortunately, she's a very persuasive person and she knows how to play people, my children included.

As many of you know, kids at this age are a special challenge. They think, feel and talk perfectly well, but there are so many things that they don't (and *shouldn't*) understand at this age.

[wretchedotis]

I'd like to address other things you fine folks have spoke of as well, because I don't want to veer off-topic.

I guess my big issue is the "Divorced Dad" trope that I'm slowly becoming. My kids love 'The Simpsons', but when we watch it and Milhouse's Dad shows up, I see myself.

The hardest thing about the spiral down (for me, at least) is not being able to relate to most people anymore. All of my coworkers are married with houses and all the standard benchmarks for people in their 40s and 50s. And I have an apartment and a cat. My life savings and my childrens' education fund are long gone.

The worst part was the other night when I was invited over to some acquaintances' place for a beer. I didn't know them very well, and they asked about the divorce and where I live and whatnot, and then I got what every Divorced Dad dreads:

That uncomfortable look of pity. All these nice guys with nice jobs and nice wives and nice houses and nice cars looked at me like a sad cautionary example.

THAT my friends is a very tough pill to swallow.

Another thought...

I have a hard time with counselors. It's probably because in my work I deal with problem-solving in a very fast-paced and practical environment (it's airport operations and emergency services).

I've talked to counselors before, and while they're always sympathetic I've found that they never have any empathy. They're all well-to-do and married, and I've asked if they've ever been truly "poor" or not been allowed to see their kids or have lost everything and the answer is always "no".

So when I'm paying $120 an hour to someone who drives a BMW, telling them how I had to go to the food bank to feed my kids, it does little to help put things in perspective and I usually feel a bit worse for it.

Do I sound like a crazy person here...? I hope not...

You're looking at it all wrong.
Do not compare yourself to what others show you. Often times the 'show' is far different than the 'reality'.

There is no shame in using the food-bank, etc.
You (as a parent) do what needs be done.

There is absolutely no shame in getting the job done.
Too me, that is what being a parent is all about.

You swallow your pride and provide, by any and all means available.
Just like you would hold your nose and change a particularily messy diaper in those days. It's not fun - but it is required.

[stripes]

I get what you mean about not really wanting to talk to people who have perfect lives. If counselling isn't your thing right now, one possibility is to check meetup.com for a divorce support group near you. There was one in my area which was really helpful especially in the early days. You may find people who know exactly what you're going through and won't pity you or look embarrassed. (It all depends on the leadership of the group - support groups can also be counterproductive whine-fests. The leaders of the one in my area were excellent).

If you keep showing up, you can see other people slowly work their way out of the morass, and then slowly you start to become one of those people. (At the first such meetup I went to, one of the leaders introduced himself as "the guy about whom you can say 'well, at least I'm not *him*' ". Five kids, married for decades, flat broke, ex and her brothers tried to burn his house down on Christmas Day. By the time I heard the story, he could actually laugh about it).

[Stubbs]

I'll have to look at meetup.com. I'm not sure I've ever even seen that site before. I've checked Kijiji and whatnot, but here in Kitchener there doesn't seem to be a very thriving community of socially-minded people.

I agree though... I would be far more comfortable talking with other people in similar situations as opposed to another counselor.

These past few days since my ex told me her intentions not to settle with me I've managed to move from the "grief" stage onto a more productive "anger" stage. Not meaning *angry*, so much as *focused* on dragging her back into court one last time and forcing her to comply with whatever a Judge decides.

Since I've been doing this for a few years now, I've learned to make copies, take notes, remember dates, etc...

And it doesn't hurt that a hobby of mine is writing, so I've been able to help my lawyer represent my interests best by drafting briefs which utilize the facts to put me in the best possible sympathetic light without using emotions or personal attacks against my ex.

After all... I went from a weekend Dad paying $1000 a month to a fully-involved parent with his children 10-11 nights paying $465 a month. It hasn't been easy, but now that I think about it, it's a pretty big accomplishment.

[Janibel]

I DON'T WANT to hear anyone to give me the speeches about why I shouldn't kill myself. I don't want to kill myself.

I DO WANT to hear from anyone who's gone through this (or knows someone who's gone through this) and if they managed to bounce back by themselves. Or anything that helped get out of the spiral. Or any mistakes they made that should be avoided. Or ANYTHING to help reverse this.

Please remember that I'm not independently wealthy and I'm on my own here. No family or friends will be factored into how I can make this any better.

Thanks for reading, folks.

If it's any comfort to you, I am certain that many of us here have harbored such thoughts (myself included), we WANT to live, just not like this!

The only advice that I can give you is to try to simplify your life in any way that you can, get a clear picture of your priorities, find joy in any little thing that you DO have control over.

Nowadays I equate success with having grown more tomatoes than last year, giving away the 'junk' that was cluttering my life, taking time out everyday to just walk my pooch and 'really' talk with my neighbors, learning to do things for myself that I thought I could never manage alone.

As others have written above, your children will eventually grow up and will be in a better position to chose where they live - hold on to that for now.

It's not easy .... there are still times when I wish that none of this had happened, I still wonder why and question what I could have done to avoid the whole miserable mess - it's best not to go there, the future is all any of us have. You have a future, don't ever doubt that

[smileandwalkaway]

Good to hear that you recognize the big accomplishments regarding increasing your time with the kids and changing the support amounts to better represent your individual situation... That is huge!

Yeah, your right... The tri-town area does not have an obvious divorced/single parent community... I'm sure it is there but I suspect required an effort to find it. Only you can decide if you think such groups would be beneficial for you. If you think they could be then it is worth the effort.