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Married for 4.5 years, regret every minute. Met someone else. Now what?

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  • #31
    So - after last week's ultimatums and me planning on leaving this week (Half of my things are packed), she's now decided that she wants to wait for children, that she was wrong to threaten divorce... and that the pain I feel is her fault (for repeated violation of the threats of divorce).

    She wrote out her thoughts in a page and a half letter last night - including accepting responsibility for her actions and listing off (most of) her faults. I've never (in our near 6 years together) seen her be this true with herself. Or me. She's making the same promises she made before, though: No more blaming me, no more threats of divorce and so on.

    Not sure yet what my plan is. But I thought I'd update people following along.

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    • #32
      Well, I had the impression you were past the point of no return. But this soul searching of hers could come in handy for her next relationship.

      Good luck, whatever you decide.

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by Rioe View Post
        Well, I had the impression you were past the point of no return. But this soul searching of hers could come in handy for her next relationship.

        Good luck, whatever you decide.
        Me too. I think I'm grasping to the fact that I do really still care about her and want the best for her - and now she's telling me that it's staying with me.

        Mis-guided hope, maybe.

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        • #34
          She doesn't know what she wants; she is just afraid of change. What she needs is someone who 100% wants to be with her. And I don't think that's you.

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          • #35
            I figured this was worth an update. After talking with my counsellor for a while, I have started to pack and move my things. None of the obvious ones yet - all stuff in the spare room, basement, den... Places she doesn't spend much time. She works an overnight shift on Thursday, and the rest of my stuff will go then.

            The plan is for me to meet her at the house on Friday morning after her shift (as if my things aren't gone), sit her down, and talk with her. Let her know that I've moved out, and reinforce why.

            My counsellor is convinced that this will be the wake-up jolt she needs to seek help, change, and repair the marriage. I'm not convinced. My guess is that this will make her mad, and she'll yell at me and ask me to leave - which, given that my clothing, files and so on aren't in the house, will be quick enough to do.

            As far as I'm concerned, we're finished - but I'm willing to give it one more serious shot if she actually changes: seeks the help she needs, commits to the things she wants done and tells her family about the issues we're facing so that we don't have to hide things and pretend things are rosy any more. I want her to really "own" her half of what's going on - a simple promise isn't enough this time - and I'll try one last time (and end the time I spend with my other friend) if she does commit to this. I do think I can be happy, but she needs to be a better person for that to happen.

            Knowing her, she won't budge. I'll be out on my own, and then the fun negotiation of who gets what begins.

            The chat happens at 8am eastern on Friday. Let the roller coaster ... continue.

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            • #36
              You might want to consider having a voice recorder with you for your chat, lest things not go well and you find yourself accused of something that didn't happen.

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              • #37
                For what's its worth....

                A lawyer told me that in his experience, once a woman "threatens" divorce aloud to her husband, even if you "resolve" things, it will likely only be temporary and she'll sooner or later make good on the threat.

                I question if you REALLY understand how screwed over you will be if she comes after you in the future. From what you've said, right now you should be able to "exit" the marriage with little or no pain on your part financially. However, the longer you stay, the more severe the "punishment" on your part. If she gets pregnant, then she'll have you by the pocketbood for the next 20 years +.

                Yes, normally it would be good to try and resolve things. But family law punishes men severely who stick around and resolve things. The longer you are with her, the more painful the financial hit will be. If she gets pregnant, she'll leave you with barely enough to live. You may think I'm being melodramatic, ask other guys here what they've gone through.

                you're very lucky my friend, get the hell out of there NOW !! Consider how you dodged a bullet and don't ever marry and live with a girl again. Trust me, no matter how good she seems, she'll likely end up screwing you over eventually, its just a matter of time. There's too much money to be had for most women to resist the urge.

                Yes, there are "some" good women out there who won't squeeze every penny out of guy the law says they are "entitled" to but I think they're rare and you won't know until its too late. Sure, go on dates and have fun, but don't be so foolish as to get married . Unless, of course, she has LOTS more money than you and then you screw her over for money> Personally, I don't like being a legal "parasite" but that's just me. Call me crazy, I think people should look after themselves....

                Good luck and stay away from her. I would be afraid she'll try and trick you into getting her pregnant. Wear a glove when you shake her hand goodbye lol

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                • #38
                  For what's its worth....

                  A lawyer told me that in his experience, once a woman "threatens" divorce aloud to her husband, even if you "resolve" things, it will likely only be temporary and she'll sooner or later make good on the threat.

                  I question if you REALLY understand how screwed over you will be if she comes after you in the future. From what you've said, right now you should be able to "exit" the marriage with little or no pain on your part financially. However, the longer you stay, the more severe the "punishment" on your part. If she gets pregnant, then she'll have you by the pocketbood for the next 20 years +.

                  Yes, normally it would be good to try and resolve things. But family law punishes men severely who stick around and resolve things. The longer you are with her, the more painful the financial hit will be. If she gets pregnant, she'll leave you with barely enough to live. You may think I'm being melodramatic, ask other guys here what they've gone through.

                  you're very lucky my friend, get the hell out of there NOW !! Consider how you dodged a bullet and don't ever marry and live with a girl again. Trust me, no matter how good she seems, she'll likely end up screwing you over eventually, its just a matter of time. There's too much money to be had for most women to resist the urge.

                  Yes, there are "some" good women out there who won't squeeze every penny out of guy the law says they are "entitled" to but I think they're rare and you won't know until its too late. Sure, go on dates and have fun, but don't be so foolish as to get married . Unless, of course, she has LOTS more money than you and then you screw her over for money> Personally, I don't like being a legal "parasite" but that's just me. Call me crazy, I think people should look after themselves....

                  Good luck and stay away from her. I would be afraid she'll try and trick you into getting her pregnant. Wear a glove when you shake her hand goodbye lol
                  Exactly! You dodged a bullet, stay away from all women, they're all out to get you and steal your money.

                  Stick to only dating men like Shellshocked22 does. They're the only gender that is fair during divorce.



                  Orrrr....you could just meet a decent girl who you're actually truly compatible with...be a good guy during your relationship and treat her the same way you'd want to be treated.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Yeah, like there's never been a case when a woman is with a genuinely nice guy who works hard, gives her a great lifestyle but she gets BORED, mid life crisis, whatever, and screws him over for big money because the law says she "deserves" it ?

                    I also think, by the way, its wrong for lazy men who happen to be married to financially successful women to steal their hard earned money also.

                    Come on, do you REALLY think the system is "Fair" to (let's be politically correct here) the "higher wage earner " ? You are obviously female. Would YOU be comfortable, assuming you were the higher wage earner, going into court and having to pay riduculous support payments to a guy who wants to trade you in for a younger, sexier woman ? Be honest ?

                    It's great you those "rose coloured glasses", maybe you can sell them on here. Let's take a survey, how many men here think they were treated "Fairly" by the system ?

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                    • #40
                      A better question is why women turn to the "system". Maybe if they were treated" fairly" in their relationship they wouldnt need the "system" to protect them.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        greener

                        Seems to be greener on the other side of the fence,however,there's usually a septic tank beneath.

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                        • #42
                          Well put my friend !

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            Or perhaps...the grass is always greener where you water it.

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                            • #44
                              If there is anything left to salvage in your mariage...it won't happen while you have your eyes on someone else. That someone else could very well become like your wife or even worse. Woman and Men never show their true colors right away.
                              Someone once said to a man that just celebrated his 60 year anniversary...
                              "what made you stay together for so long"
                              he said
                              "we never fell out of love at the same time"
                              Basically, it's normal to go through times of temptation or times that you feel out of love with your partner. I would think long about it before you make a decision and don't make it simply to get with the new girl. There is a good chance once her true colors come out that it won't work. Then you lost your wife. So if you leave your wife...be prepared to not have either.

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                              • #45
                                Originally posted by DubbyD View Post
                                I figured this was worth an update. After talking with my counsellor for a while, I have started to pack and move my things. None of the obvious ones yet - all stuff in the spare room, basement, den... Places she doesn't spend much time. She works an overnight shift on Thursday, and the rest of my stuff will go then.

                                The plan is for me to meet her at the house on Friday morning after her shift (as if my things aren't gone), sit her down, and talk with her. Let her know that I've moved out, and reinforce why.

                                The chat happens at 8am eastern on Friday. Let the roller coaster ... continue.
                                Ok...it's Saturday...what happened???

                                Comment

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