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  • Advice need -false allegations threats

    .I am a
    desperate father how is looking to protect his family from
    destruction...I don't know if you have time to read my story..and
    again it is a one sided story...I got married to my wife almost 6
    years ago..Signs of obession and control...the statement were "You
    can't have a social life away from me... will allow it but after
    marriage you are not to go out by yourself"..other controlling signs
    were choosing the wedding and items from A to Z...I agree that the
    wedding is all about the bride..The priest (I am releigious)
    has time and
    time again that all this non-sense will change after the
    wedding...Then we got married...the controlling rules were
    enforced...from the 2nd day.."No phone calls to anyone away from
    me"...

    Anything that she doesn't like will explode into an argument and
    eventually force confinement for me..
    Part of keeping me under control was checking my cell phone and making
    sure I am not contacting any one
    5 month into the marriage and the day we were supposed to move.. A
    friend of mine called me to congatulate me for the new apartment...I
    have forgot to mention in it to her...she checked the phone and she
    went all mad to the point that she locked me and the movers were
    coming and as well as delivers to the new apartment ..I tried to force
    myself out the house even though physical resistance..I couldn't
    ...Unwise from me was to call the cops to get me out of the house...we
    both got charged and she was detained...and then my guilt and regret
    paid lawyers to get us out of that..and I learned my lesson now ..

    After getting out of that...the control kept on growing...I learned my
    lesson but she didn't...one time taking my cell phone away...one time
    stopping me from going to my P. Eng exam (she was suspicious that I
    will meet up with my brother)...the list goes on and on...3 priests
    tried to interfere and advice but she resisted..I left the apartment
    for her twice in 2006.

    I made the mistake of accepting the issue as is..and selfishly we
    decided to have kids...even though her control touched on every aspect
    of my life...the fights keeps on going as if there is any chance of me
    resisting her decisions..irrational actions will be taken...breaking
    expensive things around the house... shredding important documents
    related to the house needs (taxes..and everything else)..
    Now that I have kids , I only care for their well being and nothing
    else in this world...
    She has got me in a financial mess as her ambition to live in a
    luxurious home as well as driving a 55K car..while she has work on and
    off..
    As soon as the first child was born ..she has brought her parents at
    the house becuase she can't take care of any child...she barley took
    care of the first child ..as for the second child not even a tad as
    she decided to focus on her career...she mother is getting old and now
    they decided for me to wake up at night if the kids woke up...
    When I am home , I am taking care of both kids..feeding changing
    putting both of them to sleep...she would leave home for hours and hours...her mom got sick so now she goes on with her and leave the kids

    ..

    she completely ignores them, her well being and being the center of
    attention is everything to her...she can start a fight with the whole
    house (which sometimes can get physical) if she didn;t get the
    attention she needs..


    I have cut ties with anybody around me fearing the problem that she
    can bring as well as the misery that she is capable of brining..My
    father has told me that he will not be entering my house because of
    the type of things that she made me tell him...

    All that I am doing is for the sake of the kids..but the kids started
    to see their father verbally abused continuously.
    .so she will take
    the wallet through the cloth and do other things to confine us
    For a year now she reapts that there is no love, and she tried to kick
    me out twice and throw my stuff in the garage...I had to beg for the
    sake of my kids..as she will not take care of them.

    From my excessive exahausation (as she now treats like a slave to tidy up the house clean the dishes wash the laundary..plus feeding changing putting to sleep waking up in th emiddle of the night), I was carrying my younger one from the house to th3e backyard then I have slipped and we both feel . My little one got bruised and a lip cut as well as a chipped baby tooth...we called 911....he is better now
    she has threatened to gain custody by reporting th incident to child services..she also threatens her and her mother that i will never see the kids again and they gonna make up stuff to ensure that this happens

    Please advice me ..what shall I do
    my kids are witnessing abuse and neglect from their mother daily.

  • #2
    I'd say there is a very good chance that if she gets wind that you are about to leave, she is going to have you arrested on (false) Domestic Violence charges. Just being in the same house, even if you are using a personal video recorder (PVR) 24 hours might not be enough protection.

    You need to find someone to help you and your kids leave the house before that can happen. Possibly go to a women's shelter, and ask if they can suggest where to go.

    After letting yourself be put in this cage for so long, you will need enormous outside support to handle this.

    If possible, try to get yourself out of the house with the kids, so people can see you together ... otherwise, everything is hidden, and it is your word against hers. You need witnesses! Actually, for this reason, the recorder would be a good idea to start ASAP.

    If possible, get as much hard documentation as possible on your parenting roles, to show that you are a very involved parent, that you have acted in their best interests. Start writing down everything you can remember regarding who does what with the kids. Keep dredging it up from your memory - it will be useful later. At the same time, also keep a diary of current events. Just start writing ... now.

    You are going to have a battle on your hands about the kids.....i.e. she will try to split you away from them.

    Of course, a miracle could happen, and you could start communicating, negotiating on an equal basis, and all the horror above might not occur. But from what you wrote, it sounds like an extreme situation.
    Last edited by dinkyface; 07-19-2011, 01:30 PM.

    Comment


    • #3
      Really Simple

      First of all, let me just ask...as a embarrassed Bridezilla addict...why the F*** do you guys marry these B*****s? (not to mention breed with them...but w/e)

      Ok...now that that's out of the way. Here's my advice. BUY A POCKET SIZED TAPE RECORDER TODAY! RIGHT NOW!!!! Also buy a blank journal. Either tape it to your chest, or keep it in a pocket where she cannot see. Keep it with you at all times.

      I would immediately consult an attorney. Most initial consultations are free so that you can get advice on how to proceed. Under no circumstances do you leave your home...you will immediately be at high risk to lose your property and custody of your children.

      Stop engaging her...do not raise your voice...do not argue or fight...and if she verbally abuses you or threatens you...warn her that you will call the police and do so...make sure you say it calmly and make sure you have a tape recorder in case she puts her hands on you. If you can communicate by text or email...it would be better since its a traceable record.

      Be very careful with your children. Immediately start documenting the time you spend with them, what you do with them, what you do around the house (cooking/cleaning/etc)...Keep a daily impartial diary. Keep the emotion, the hearsay out of it. Just straight forward listings of times, dates, events, with proof documentation attached if you have it.

      At the same time, start figuring out your finances. Before she's served with any papers, begin locating, copying and removing those documents from the house. Store them at another safe location with a family member or friend. Find any tax documents, etc. Keep records of your bills, receipts, etc...make copies and start storing them.

      Get ready because you're going to be on the side of having to prove your case conclusively.

      Believe it or not, the good news is that she seems to have a bad temper. If she has any violence incidences with you or the children and you get proof of it...it helps your case. The key point is that you need proof. You didn't engage her, egg her on, etc..and she is out of control.

      Get a new cell phone, change your passwords on email, etc. You are going to need some privacy if you plan to divorce her. Also start building a support system. Friends, family, etc...you may need financial support, childcare help, or just to have a venting session.

      Good luck...and buck the hell up...you have to be a man for your kids if your description of the woman you spawned with is accurate.

      Comment


      • #4
        And by the way...do the list of stuff BEFORE you serve her with papers....because once that happens, she's going to return fire. The game will change immediately after she gets served and gets legal advice. Get the financial stuff, email, computer logs, whatever you can out of the house immediately. Seriously start taping and documenting everything.

        If she gets violent, tape it, call the cops, grab the kids, leave the house. Otherwise, do not leave your home especially without your children. Find a safe location inside the house in case she gets irrational and loud. I bought a door jam for my bedroom door on Amazon to block my door...its cheap and it works.

        Whatever you do, protect your kids..its your duty as a father.

        Comment


        • #5
          Oh yes ... as said already ... if you leave the house, TAKE THE KIDS WITH YOU!!! Otherwise you are screwed, and (from the sounds of it) will likely not see them again for a long time.

          Oh, by the way, unless you get lucky, the lawyers will try to screw with you too, so will need to find some balls when dealing with them too.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks for your answers. But is recording legalwithout a court order?..and me sliping and falling with my kid will be talken aganist me..any reccomendiations to lawyers in durham?
            Thanks

            Comment


            • #7
              Do Not Take the Kids

              Hi,

              Whatever you do, do not take the kids. As a potential male victim of domestic violence you are holding the short end of the stick.

              The Criminal Code is very strongly worded about removing children without consent or a court order. Mostly men are the ones charged and women get off without charges as they often sight the common excuse when donuts come to dollars of "I didn't know what else to do".

              Emotional abuse is not a criminal offence and police will not look at you with rose coloured glasses. If you do feel police need to be involved gather up your *EVIDENCE* and bring it to your local division.

              Immediately ask to speak to a female officer who is trained in domestic violence specifically.

              Lay out your issues and ask for an honest opinion. Be very careful of laying charges as the courts disapprove of using the criminal system to gain an upper hand in a matrimonial dispute.

              Before doing anything seek legal advice from a solicitor with a family law background before doing anything like removing the children from their primary residence without consent or a court order.

              Child abduction is a form of child abuse and CAS will be involved should you do that and they may frown on your actions to the point you will lose your children. There are some great papers from the United Nations on this very subject.

              I recommend getting the book "Splitting", "Its All Your Fault" and "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" before doing anything further.

              Do not do what a high-conflict personality would do which is take the kids and run with them on accusations.

              I know the advice isn't what you want to hear but, do not put your children in the middle of your divorce by taking them. The whole "never leave without your kids" mentality should only be used in extreme cases of abuse.

              Also read "Tug of War" by Justice Brownstone prior to doing anything further. (My opinion)

              Also, if you are truly abused go to a psychologist (registered) and have the psychologist put you through Domestic Violence screening ASAP and begin therapy. Don't tell the other parent. Just do it. Get a report put together for DV screening and if the psych disagrees with you... Listen to him/her. If the psych thinks there is an issue then have them report it against the DV screening materials and provide it as evidence to your concerns.

              Do not take the law into your own hands.

              Cheers,
              Tayken

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                Whatever you do, do not take the kids. As a potential male victim of domestic violence you are holding the short end of the stick.

                The Criminal Code is very strongly worded about removing children without consent or a court order. Mostly men are the ones charged and women get off without charges as they often sight the common excuse when donuts come to dollars of "I didn't know what else to do".
                I presume you are refering to section 282 of the criminal code.

                This section refers specificly to a situation where there is a court order specifying custody. If a parent is simply leaving a marriage prior to any court decisions or interim orders, then there in crime committed, this law does not apply.

                Further, there has to be intent to deprive the other parent of access. The intent has to shown. A parent leaving with the children who leaves a note stating "you may contact me at xxx-xxxx to arrange access to the children" has clearly shown their intent was not to deprive the other parent of access.

                I would say that if abuseddad leaves with the children he should certainly leave contact instructions (for example even cell phone number) and make it clear access time will be arranged without conflict. But without an existing custody order from the courts, no crime is committed.

                abuseddad, if you feel you are in danger (for example if she might assault you and then charge you) you have every right to leave and take the children. Tayken's advice is irresponsible.

                When you get extremely conflicting advice on a message like this, you should see an attorney immediately and get your advice there.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yes, recording is legal.

                  The rule is that if the people you are recording must be aware (or can reasonably be expected to be aware) that you are there e.g. you can record any conversation that you are part of. If you are hiding behind the shrubbery, then you cannot legally record. I'm not sure about situations where you are part of an audience - I'd think that is OK too.

                  A different issue is whether it can be used as evidence in family court - not sure about that, but I don't think so. But I'm pretty sure it is accepted/useful for criminal (e.g. DV) charges, and possibly useful to show to police (though I read stories in the forum about police refusing to look at recordings).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Taping/Leaving a Violent Situation

                    I wasn't suggesting that he permanently leave the house with the children. I'm suggesting that in a situation where the other spouse puts their hands on you, you should warn them (go ahead and tell her she's being taped...it may result in her rethinking what she's doing), tape the incident, then take the kids, leave the house to secure them, then call the police. Personally, I would have a backup plan for an overnight stay. Frankly, I don't see how not doing so would not be considered irresponsible. No person should stay during a violent confrontation. Its bad parenting and dangerous to the kids. I would never leave my kids with a person who is out of control and violent.

                    If she's simply being angry and loud...I would definitely not engage her...and go to a safe location with the kids in the house. If it escalates into anything else, warn her and then call the cops.

                    I don't know if the tape would help you in a divorce court...but I do know that with regard to making a tape during an altercation...its helpful. When the cops come, its simply he said/she said. A tape would help them clarify what actuallly happened when they're actually deciding whether or not to press charges. And whether or not that tape is helpful...I can tell you the police record certainly will be.

                    If you're taping her with someone else...that is not admissable in court (hearsay). But taped conversations and emails that you are directly involved in often are if they bear direct relevance to the case.

                    I'm not sure about the situation with you falling with your child, however, I think at this point you need to move forward and concentrate on what is happening right now and not her threats.

                    Basically get together a backup plan in the event that there is violence towards you or your children. Start getting your documents together..and immediately consult an attorney. As soon as you have your paperwork gathered and have a plan....you can file. The day she gets the papers is the day you should make sure that you have a safety plan in place.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thanks again for the advice..exploring the mental health issues that my wife has ..is it that difficult to proof to the courts ?
                      Thanks

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Why are you interested in doing that? To justify (to yourself? to a court?) ending of your relationship? To keep her from her kids so that you won't have to deal with her? Because you think it is putting yourself or your kids in danger? Think carefully about what you are hoping to achieve.

                        I'd be very surprised if YOU didn't also have some mental health issues at the moment, given your situation! Completely understandable, and a good reason to reach out for professional and personal help and support.

                        By the way, it seems that many (most?) high conflict cases there is a spouse who is irrational, entitled, controlling, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, manic-depressive, sociopathic, manipulative etc. etc. etc. These claims get flung around, with no medical backing, and are in many cases just emotion-driven distractions from getting on with the negotiations.
                        Last edited by dinkyface; 07-19-2011, 09:28 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Well said,

                          Sorry to break it to you, but both you and your stbx sound as though you have mental health issues. I would suggest that everyone needs to be evaluated and the best interests of the kids be taken into consideration.

                          That said, protect yourself as stated above.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            The readon I ask is I don't want my kids to be harmed by her mental problems as well as the allienation that she will be performing will be 10 folds worse knowing how irrational she can become.
                            As for my mental health, I can say I am only affected when I go home . Once I step into work . I act as she doesn't exist..till off course she calls.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Dear abused dad:
                              I know you truly believe that she is the only one with mental health issues. That is not the case. Anyone living with this situation would, and it is not a reflection of your character.

                              You need to get outside help for yourself and the children. It takes courage but will be well worth it. Many resources are available. I say these things as gently as possible in an email, but rest assured, many of us here know what we are talking about. Some day, hopefully, you will look back on this time and realize how deeply troubled you are.

                              Sincerely, Momof6

                              Comment

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