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  • Has your ex changed for the better?

    I'm wondering if there are any good news stories out there.

    I'm not sure my ex would completely qualify as high-conflict, but he has certainly been prone to throwing fits, threatening pointless legal action, sending long ranting emails about my evilness, demanding money, and generally being a jerk with enmeshment problems. We do not interact face to face (with the occasional unavoidable pickup/dropoffs at my place) and only communicate via email when necessary. I stick to the BIFF formula for all interactions.

    But in the last few weeks, I'm noticing a change of tone. Emails now contain words like "please" and "I appreciate", and he even thanked me for reminding him about a detail of D8's activities that he had forgotten, the kind of thing that would have caused a fit to be thrown earlier. We just did the biannual exchange of S7 expenses, which I had been dreading, and for the first time his information was on-time and complete and his expenses were all legitimate ones under our divorce agreement. A couple of potential flashpoints for potential disagreement were resolved without going nuclear. I think he has even attempted small talk at the last exchange.

    I want to be optimistic that these are signs of improvement in our relationship, but am mindful of the fable about the scorpion.

    I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced change for the better over time? I don't ever want to be friends with the ex, but it would be nice to think a day will come when dealing with him isn't excruciating.

  • #2
    Hmmm... mine was sort of nice to me when he first fell in love with who is now his wife. Let's just say the honeymoon is over (in more ways than one) on that.

    Then he was somewhat cordial through email after being notified that the OCL would be assigned to our situation. Ya, that's over too.

    There is ZERO communication now. That's not a bad thing. Not bad at all.

    Hope your X is turning a corner. It is nice for everyone when separated/divorced parents get along.

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    • #3
      Nope my ex is still an a-one ahole. Believes his own bullsh*t and is extremely aggravating. A simple example is when I spoke with him last month he was trying to recall the pets we had through our marriage. We couldn't even agree on that. He went on and on and on about it. Like ok, who cares? He talks like he's 80 and obviously hasn't got much going in his current life if all he has to talk about are inane things from 20 yrs ago. Yawn.

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      • #4
        The only change my ex has made for the better is countries. He's now state-side and I couldn't be more pleased about the distance. Even when he was in the same city he was non-responsive on everything important, so now I have peace of mind I'm not going to bump into him anywhere.

        In the last year he's already lost custody of his other daughter, the custody on my daughter doesn't look like it's going to go in his favour either. So, my picture of him at the moment is a sad shell of a man with what's going to soon be a ton of regrets.

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        • #5
          sending long ranting emails about my evilness,
          Is he out to lunch on this point, or would you agree for fairness sake that there is a tad bit of truth in that?

          We do not interact face to face (with the occasional unavoidable pickup/dropoffs at my place) and only communicate via email when necessary. I stick to the BIFF formula for all interactions.
          Errrr...why the pickup at your place and not exchanges happening at school/daycare?

          I'm noticing a change of tone. Emails now contain words like "please" and "I appreciate", and he even thanked me for reminding him about a detail of D8's activities that he had forgotten, the kind of thing that would have caused a fit to be thrown earlier.
          So by your own admittance, he is making efforts and putting the child's best interest first it sounds like....are you reciprocating the efforts at being civilized to each other then?

          Nope my ex is still an a-one ahole. Believes his own bullsh*t and is extremely aggravating
          Ahahahahahah...how did I know you were going to say that?

          He's now state-side and I couldn't be more pleased about the distance.
          But you were saying in the other thread that "he won't even show to the conferences, and is doing via phone instead

          To the posts so far, the question has to be asked....what is it then that has made all the Ex's change during the course of the marriage? Logic tells us that "it takes two to tango", so it can't be that all one sided could it?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by FWB View Post
            Is he out to lunch on this point, or would you agree for fairness sake that there is a tad bit of truth in that?



            Errrr...why the pickup at your place and not exchanges happening at school/daycare?



            So by your own admittance, he is making efforts and putting the child's best interest first it sounds like....are you reciprocating the efforts at being civilized to each other then?



            Ahahahahahah...how did I know you were going to say that?



            But you were saying in the other thread that "he won't even show to the conferences, and is doing via phone instead

            To the posts so far, the question has to be asked....what is it then that has made all the Ex's change during the course of the marriage? Logic tells us that "it takes two to tango", so it can't be that all one sided could it?
            Just because I think it's horrific that he chooses to show to custody issues via telephone DOES not mean that I miss him and am not glad he's as far away as he is.

            I'm pretty sure most would appreciate if their ex was on the moon if it were not for the kids involved.

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            • #7
              Stripes: During marriage, I didn't believe my ex was capable of change and now I wouldn't know if he's changed at all. What I do notice is ups and down with regard to communication about parenting our child. Sometimes he is rude and annoying to deal with...and sometimes he's somewhat normal. I think a lot of exes have cyclical behavior so I wouldn't bet the farm that you're ex's behavior for the better is permanent. Maybe I'm cynical though.

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              • #8
                I'm pretty sure most would appreciate if their ex was on the moon if it were not for the kids involved.
                Pretty sure that "most"? Hmmmm..may be, may be not, but some people are able to forgive, forget and move on, as opposed to living with hatred for another human being. The words that follow perhaps say it best:

                1 Peter 1:22 Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart,



                Source

                You make it sound like if you saw him on fire on the street, you won't pour water over him? Some countries have strict laws against not being a good samaritan
                Last edited by FWB; 01-15-2014, 07:45 PM.

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                • #9
                  Many state that over the passage of time usually the situation gets better. In my case it simply gets worse. Having a high conflict ex is draining, I try to keep communication to a minimum which seems to irritate her more! As much as she tries to eliminate me from my children's lives, she insists on communicating with me about things that are unimportant.

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                  • #10
                    I have had very little direct contact with my STBX, only appearances at court. Family and friends hearsay is usually unreliable. If his physical appearance is any indication I would have to say that he's changed for the worse - he's not taking very good care of himself, seems depressed.

                    He had a drinking problem when we where together, so unless he's gotten help for himself, I suspect that it's gotten worse over time as I'm not there to restrain his addictions ....

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                    • #11
                      Hmmmmm......

                      While anger may be natural and it can serve a purpose – such as pushing you out of a toxic situation. If you allow yourself to stay in anger too long it can lead you to play the victim role. Anger gives away your power.
                      kinda like some of the stories on here...

                      Most people hold on tight to anger at their ex-spouse. They repeat the story about how they were wronged over and over to others, but most importantly, they also repeat it over and over to themselves.
                      They spend their life waiting for that apology that never comes and they live in the “if onlys”. If only my husband had treated me better, if only he wouldn’t be such a jerk when I drop off the kids, etc – then my life would be better.
                      Ah...touche'

                      Holding on to anger and resentments leaves you stuck. Stuck in the victim role and stuck in the past.
                      you don't say

                      But how do you begin to let go? You feel you were wronged and you have a right to those feelings. However, the 1st step is to recognize that you need to move beyond the anger to create a better life for you and your kids.
                      Bingo.....

                      What is the most effective way to let go of the anger towards your ex? Pray for him. I know it sounds ridiculous and you might be rolling your eyes about now, but just bear with me here
                      Amen to this...

                      But what if I am not religious or I don’t believe in God? That’s perfectly fine. I didn’t either when I started, but I did it anyway.
                      You can choose anything you want to pray to. The sky, a tree, a picture of your kids, a candle, a door knob, whatever – it doesn’t matter. The point is to just think the thoughts.
                      Bob's your uncle

                      Letting go of anything, but especially anger and resentment starts with your mindset, with your thoughts. Whatever you can do to turn those thoughts around will have a much more profound effect than just wishing that your ex will change.

                      Read all about it


                      I think exs' change for the better when they are happy with outcome
                      Or if there is something/someone to occupy their mind temporarily....we've read stories here on that, and when that other person gets what they want, then it's back to tag you are it
                      Last edited by FWB; 01-15-2014, 10:13 PM.

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                      • #12
                        ^ yeah yeah peace love brother....

                        Heard a good one last week:

                        Ran into my ex the other day.
                        Then I put the car into reverse....
                        Last edited by arabian; 01-15-2014, 10:25 PM. Reason: ruined the punch line - not good at telling jokes

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                        • #13
                          My ex is a gentle man. Honestly. He was never a bad guy to begin with. Sometimes he gets a little desperate when his finances run low and he is opportunistic about pointing out my life style now vs his and tries to emotionally reason why perhaps I should give him money for the children who reside with me (by his choice). I see this is his coping mechanism vs an attempt to be mean. By all means, he is a good person.

                          My partner's ex...well I know better. We went to trial yesterday and despite having some very firm words from a judge, things are still as complicated as ever. Today she is upset that we HAD given the schools of the children copies of the separation agreement and we will also give the new Court Order we received yesterday that supplements the separation agreement. She is on the band wagon about not having her permission blah blah blah... it contains personal information... blah blah blah.... we didn't get her consent blah blah blah....

                          It really makes me wonder what goes through her mind sometimes. We don't need her permission, nor will we ask when one is not required. Yes, it contains some personal info but so be it. I suspect she hasn't been transparent in some of the "personal information" contained in the separation agreement and perhaps feels shamed that it is sitting in a folder somewhere. But again, so be it.

                          Most interesting is that we were in trial yesterday and she complained many times about her "huge legal bills" (we are self rep) and today she emails that she will be speaking to her lawyer about us putting the separation agreement on file so long ago. Eat your heart out sweetheart! Your lawyer will tell you there is nothing you can do and then bill you $200 dollars too!

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                          • #14
                            We went to trial yesterday and despite having some very firm words from a judge, things are still as complicated as ever.
                            So who's case exactly was it yesterday, yours or your "new partner"? If it's your new partner's case against his ex, does that mean you took time off work to be there....am guessing this was for moral support?????

                            I have seen at the court house a whole bunch of entourage showing up for a matter between two people who have lawyers

                            Third party involvement sometimes complicates matters more, instead of just letting the two parties sort things out themselves
                            Last edited by FWB; 01-15-2014, 11:51 PM.

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                            • #15
                              Anything that comes through the courts is public record. Anyone can go up to the desk and ask to see any or all of the filings regarding the case, no matter how personal.

                              It's a mixed blessing. Transparency in the system is good, but it's less than ideal when your closest friends, family and room mates know the intimate details of a legal dispute.

                              Comment

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