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Old 09-25-2019, 03:37 PM
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cashcow4ex cashcow4ex is offline
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Originally Posted by Janus View Post
This is a contest between a stepmother and a mother. I'm not sure which sexist angle you are trying to imply, because the party with a penis is dead.

Feel free though to look up my responses to fathers who come here complaining about PAS. Generally speaking I do not believe it. Normally, it is of not a big issue because people who claim to be victims of PAS usually will not get custody. This is less fun, because the martyr-parent is going to end up with custody.

The only moderately sexist thing I will admit to feeling in this case is that when a father loses custody, it doesn't mean much. Lots of good fathers lose custody. However, good mothers almost never lose custody. Mumma lost custody. I obviously cannot be sure, but forum posts are essentially ex parte proceedings and if I was a betting man I know where I'd be wagering my money.

I honestly do not see how I am the only one who sees her anger. Every second post has something about how her ex is terrible, the stepmother is terrible, what has been done to her is terrible. She is furious at the system and the girlfriend, and while she will play lip service to the best interests of her kids she wants that sole custody so bad you can taste it.

Anyhow, I don't want to point out what makes her look bad because it helps her clean up her image. I'm going to stop.

These are my thoughts as well There is quiet a bit of the story that is missing and doesn't seem to make sense here. I have a feeling that there might be other motivating factors at play!

Not being a lawyer, I wonder when a will isn't present wouldn't most or all of his estate go to the children with the beneficiary being the custodial guardian in this case the step mother for the children's upbringing? They are young enough that many many years of support are still required.

Mind you I have a will but for example, if I die my estate goes to my children through a beneficiary with directions to cover my children's support payments until they reach a proper age at which time the remaining gets split as directed in my will.

Could a court really keep the step mother as the children's guardian while ordering the estate over to the OP? Seems to be contradictory to what's best for the children!
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Old 09-25-2019, 03:49 PM
Mummaa222 Mummaa222 is offline
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You are all correct that I do need a lawyer and I will find one. I live in a town of approximately 10,000 and the next towns are 3 hours north and 2 hours south.

As for me being angry, I've admitted that I'm angry and I have a right to be. However, not once I brought that anger into court proceedings. I have not told that part of my story in court nor have I thrown out any accusations other than PAS. The "experts" spoke to the children about my concerns ONE time and made their conclusions. There has never been a proper investigation...not even close. If I wasn't so sure about this I wouldn't be pursuing it. They show signs of every single symptom of PAS and they're so clear that it's as if the person doing the alienating has taken a step by step course.

CAS wasn't called until I brought the motion to change. Between 2012 and 2017 he had no concerns and no reports were made to cas and no accusations of any kind. In 2015 when I was pregnant and before I moved back I came for a visit they both cuddled with me at night and rubbed my belly and talked to their little sister. The change in them didn't start until I made the motion. I made the motion because he was making excuses that they already made plans or would just ignore me completely. (he rarely allowed me to have more than one visit per month and never more than 24 hours...I jumped through his hoops because any time with my kids was time)

The drinking didn't happen. My kids have not once seen me or even have a drink. Before I lost them yes I went out to the bars often but only when they were with him. He forbid me from getting any babysitters so I didn't. When I lost them and panicked and moved yep I drank...I drank a lot. I've never denied it. I was hurting bad. Since getting pregnant with my daughter in 2014 I haven't been drunk even once. If I have a drink I'll have one or two and that's it. The drinking wasn't because I had an alcohol was my way of coping with the pain.

I also don't yell at my kids and absolutely do not abuse them physically. CAS investigated and so did OCL and nothing was found. The reports show that there are no concerns...and the investigation on me was more than one time like the investigation into my allegations.

I'm not going to keep defending myself on here because I already have to spend time that I could and should be spending with my 4 year old trying to prove myself innocent.

I came on here to ask for help with court procedures because I'm desperate and afraid for my girls who are hurting even more than they already were and they are being kept from me and their siblings and extended family...all of whom they were once close to not so long ago. They won't even speak to my mother now and that's huge.

Someone wrote that I need to concentrate on the now and that's exactly all I want to do...but unfortunately to be able to do that I need to defend these false allegations because it doesn't look like the other side is giving up.

His lawyer emailed me asking what my intentions are regarding my motion to change and regarding her motion so I'm assuming someone has taken his place as a party but I haven't been told yet... his death has also not been mentioned yet by his lawyer which I find odd?

Right now my daughters are at their daddy's viewing and I have to deal with that image as I get my youngest daughter off the school bus and act like all is perfect in the world.

Thanks for some help and a whole lot of judgement...sure doesn't give me much hope for my babies.
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Old 09-25-2019, 04:02 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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Wouldnt the other lawyer have to inform the OP that their client is now deceased? Would they not also have to inform the OP that they are now representing whoever in the case or that the file is now closed due to the death? Would they have to file something with the courts to say who they are representing and the death?

To the OP...I would go to the courthouse and see what they say about it.

Last edited by standing on the sidelines; 09-25-2019 at 04:09 PM. Reason: added
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Old 09-25-2019, 04:41 PM
Stillbreathing Stillbreathing is offline
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They cant just have somebody such as the girlfriend step into the place of the deceased father. The girlfriend would have to apply to the court herself to be made a party to the proceedings. She is not automatically made a party. In fact it would be rare for a non biological parent to be made a party.
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Old 09-25-2019, 07:33 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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I've been viewing this thread for a while with some interest. As a person who is likely older than most of you I will offer my thoughts.

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Married or not, you share a part of your life with the person who recently passed and they are an important part of your children's lives.

With that said, I think it is imperative that you get your own shit together. I totally understand the hip-jerk reaction (which I would experience) should my ex pass away suddenly, even though our son is an adult.

Your girls are tweenie and teenager respectively. Probably the most important source of their support system at their ages is from their friends. My mother used to tell me repeatedly of the importance of friendship as friends outlive spouses.

When someone dies there is an outpouring of empathy and attention from friends, neighbours, etc. There is an unspoken feeling of urgency, whether it be to make funeral arrangements; let people and relatives know of the passing; get the will dealt with, etc. I've never understood this. People go into a kind of insanity mode. Food shows up at your doorstep, flowers are delivered.

Then nothing.

Typically a week or two after the funeral all these well-wishers disappear. This is a time when your children will need support.

At this time, you can be sure that your children are assessing their immediate situation.

What is your home situation like now? Do you honestly think your children can envision living with you? Is your home close to where their friends are and where their school is? Is your home calm, peaceful and they have their own privacy or is it chaotic? If they lived with you would they have to share a home with a dreaded step-sibling? How were Dad's rules different than yours?

Just wanting to wrap your arms around your girls is a very nice thing but it may be a bit short-sighted. Yes, you have been in a custody battle for some time now but things have changed. Your adversary (their father) isn't in the picture anymore. Do you actually know the step-mother? Can you envision your children happy, healthy, living with this woman and maintaining a relationship with you?

I really think you have to take a step back and think about everything and what makes sense for your children.. what might be important to them.

You have many important decisions to make. Your children have many important decisions to make (and yes I believe the court in this situation will go to extraordinary lengths to ensure everything is in their best interests).

Again, I am very sorry for you and your children. Very sad when someone young dies.

Oh, and by the way, when you go to family court people lie and make false accusations all the time. That is quite normal. Spend less time worrying about that and more time focusing on what you can do to be a great parent (parenting plan) - that is something courts will focus on... not the other shit.

Last edited by arabian; 09-25-2019 at 07:36 PM.
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Old 09-28-2019, 04:41 AM
Mummaa222 Mummaa222 is offline
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So here's an update if anyone wants one...
The trial coordinator emailed his lawyer and myself to say that the motion scheduled for October 4th cannot be heard at this time but His Honour would still like to address the issue.

His lawyer still expects me to serve my motion materials by Monday. She won't tell me who's name I put in the forms, so I guess I put his name?

I found out my previous lawyer is on paternity leave and his assistant has been laid off. That explains why neoyher has answered me, but you'd think the receptionist would have told me after I called every day?

I may have a lawyer but won't be able to see him until Monday. He was my last choice but something is better than nothing.

Now, the most recent event: I haven't heard anything at all about my daughters from anyone. In a few hours it will have been 10 days of worrying about how they're doing and where they are and who they're with and if they're safe.

The funeral and burial was yesterday. Since I couldn't go, I decided that at the same time the funeral was going on I'd play songs about fathers and daughters and about saying goodbye. By the end I couldn't breathe because I just let all out. I cried and I cried hard and ugly! And after that I realized that I could look at it all in a different way: because he did what he did and ended up with custody and took them from me, (which was September 18th seven years ago...he also died September 18th this year) Our daughters had all that extra time with him that they would have missed out on had they stayed in my custody. (He would have only access) Maybe everything really does happen for a reason. And then suddenly I forgave him. I felt such a huge release after that!

So since I haven't heard anything about my girls and the funeral is over, tonight I thought I'd reach out to the step-mother. I texted her because 1-I knew she wouldn't answer and 2-because I've learned with them that I'd better have proof of my side. It was a friendly and genuine text :

Hi *****...I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. I just wanted to text you to ask you to let my girls know that I haven't been in contact because I wanted to give them time with all of yous until after #####'s funeral...I didn't want to interfere. I'd like for them to know that I have thought about them every second and wanted nothing more than to be with them to hold them and comfort them. I just want them to know that the reason I wasn't there for them is not because I don't care because that couldn't be farther from the truth. I am grieving for them and with them even if I'm not physically with them. So if you could pass that on to them I'd be very grateful. Could you also let them know that they can call me anytime day or night or text me anytime as well. If they want me to call them just let me know please. I'd also like to see them soon and updates on how they're holding up would be very much appreciated. This is a time that we all need to put everything else aside and pull together for the girls. I hope you're holding up ok too, losing someone you love so much is not easy. Tell my girls I love them very much and I miss them. Thanks.
Take care"

The text was delivered and I expected her to not answer at all but then I got this:

"I dare you you fucking piece of shit! You goddamn waste of oxygen!!! Don't ever fucking contact me in any fucking way you fucking bitch!! MY daughter fucking hate your goddamn guts they have said how they wish your the one that be fucking DEAD you goddamn fuck!! Never ever contact me contact my lawyer! You are literally trying to kill my babies too you fucking snake!! If you had one ounce of care you would leave them be but I goddamn know that won't happen. You destroyed too much as it is. If you try to contact us again I will have you charged you fuck! Contact my lawyer!! And if you see us anywhere I strongly STRONGLY suggest you fuck off as far as you can from is because if I get to you no matter who is there I promise you I will end you!! You will be ducking swallowing your teeth n choke on them I fucking swear you slug"

So any suggestions on that one? I will be calling the police but want to call them tomorrow afternoon after my 4 year old goes to my mom's so she doesn't see police here and start asking questions...I'm trying to protect her from all this the best I can.

My worry is if the police go there what's going to happen with my daughters? I've been telling people for a long time now that I'm terrified of what she might do if she's backed into a corner and knows she's going to lose them to me and now I'm more terrified than ever!
She has hunting rifles in the house...that has me extremely jumpy tonight...which is why I'm still up at 4:30 am.

So again I'm stuck on what to do because it's the weekend so I can't get advice from a lawyer, I can't bring an emergency motion...if I call the police I don't know what will happen to my kids..where they'd go if she's arrested?

I'm not letting this go because I feel like she's serious and I'm scared for myself and my babies.
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Old 09-28-2019, 06:24 AM
tilt tilt is offline
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The police wont do anything, probably wont even talk to her. So I would file a report without any fear of repercussions. (It is an absurdly high bar to get someone charged with threatening). But, it is perfect evidence to show a judge later on. Just keep keeping on and follow your lawyers advice with regards to the up upcoming motion.

If you dont get to see the lawyer on Monday you put your exs names on the forms with (deceased DATE) after his name. This is going to be a tough week, Im sorry you are going through this.
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Old 09-28-2019, 06:25 AM
pinkmorganite pinkmorganite is offline
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I do not think the step mother will lose the girls to you.

That was my point in sharing the case I knew about.
That Father had Regular Access to his Child, and still Did Not get custody when his ex wife died.
Spent $70,000 in legal fees and trial judge ordered everything to stay the exact same. Child to remain living with her grandparents, as she had been. Father's access to remain the same.
Then the Grandparents were going after the Father to pay their legal fees for all of that.

Do you have that kind of money for legal fees, trial?

I do feel for you in the situation, I feel for anyone in this kind of a situation.

Janus is also right on everything he pointed out.
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Old 09-28-2019, 06:48 AM
Helpmyspouse Helpmyspouse is offline
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This stepmom sounds unhinged. What a classy lady. And I don't blame it on that she's grieving. So much anger such foul language she even puts it in writing. How about calling CAS with concerns for her mental health and the children in her care? And mention the rifles in the home? Don't play into her game. If she wanted zero contact with you she could have just blocked you. Instead she is waiting you and hoping you reply with the same venom. And she's calling you a piece of shit??? I'm sorry for your pain.
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Old 09-28-2019, 07:48 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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If they are your exs guns and is not licensed to have them they should not be in the house.

Call CAS first and just explain the situation and mention the guns. They will help. Dont be long winded, stick to the factsyour ex had custody, you are before the courts for access, he has died, the partner has sent you a threatening text, there are rifles in the house and you are concerned for the childrens welfare. Let them do what they will with it.

His lawyer will do whatever the person paying the bills says. I would still file your response but make it brief and add the text as part of your concern. Do not make it that you think she is unhinged, make it as you are concerned for their welfare.

Pinkmorganitethat case is only similar in the sense the custodial parent died. Grandparents are direct next of kin and would have been designated so in a will. The father had an uphill battle against that.
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alienated, death, p.a.s., sole custody, step-mother

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