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  • #16
    And how old is your daughter, does she have a cell...can you get her one?

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    • #17
      My daughter is 11 and not of the age for a cell. But I have given that some thought too.
      I see why some threads get so heated...I don't understand why I am getting advice to stop trying to change the dad's house. I said it is them criticizing MY house of which I ignore them all.
      My daughter is upset with all that dad has to say and the step-mom butting in on our life.
      I take her to appointments, but the dad spends lots of money on her. So I even say to enjoy the electronics while with him an the outdoors/sports when with me....she gets the best of both worlds.
      I really would like to read encouragement on how to deal with a negative dad and jealous step-mom (she really wants my daugther for herself....or so it's been told to me).
      So really, I'd appreciate support on how to move forward not on how I should butt out. My daughter is crying all the time, her dad is drilling her, and the step-mom is angry and runs away and yells when she wants to phone me.
      Which part of these statements do you think are appropriate in any home?
      Now, again, can anyone answer my original question?

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      • #18
        Sorry hun, ther is nothing you can do in this honestly, your daughters problems are with her dad and her stepmom, and while it is hard to see and deal with, these are things you have to allow your daughter to discuss with her dad and stepmom. While it is certainly not cool to have to watch and or listen to your daughter cry, all you can do is build her strength up so she can talk to her dad. If she can go to counselling they may be able to help give her tips on how to communicate effectively with them. Now on the flip side if you are in litigation you could or may be able to record you and your daughter having these talks but not prompted convos, and use them in court if your in a custody battle, and state that you dont feel the environment there is enhancing her growth and development. But beyond that just love your daughter and ket her know you will always be there for her.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
          So far he said he would agree to go and hear what our girl has to say............
          Any ideas on how a child physcologist would work out?

          I think that is already a good start. I don't know how a child psychologist would "work out" - but your daughter has a mom that cares enough to try to work with the dad to get her help and a dad that cares enough to agree to go and listen to her with a psychologist. A lot of relationships are so difficult that you would have a hard time getting both parents to agree to that.

          In that case - make the appointment soon and make sure that he is available for it. Try it and see what happens.

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          • #20
            One thing I have learned is that it is very difficult to raise a "normal child" after a divorce. There are many things that you just got to live with if you want to keep the parents from battleing everyday.

            I have limits that I enforce with my kids. I know that they are permitted to do some things that I don't allow in my house. I just enforce what I can, and am hoping to stave off some of the big problems that eventually will come when they get a bit older. But I also enforce certain fundamental rules, and I am glad that their mother does too.

            But I do keep hoping that either the courts will do something to stop the problems I continue to have with their mother, or the kids will eventually choose our home over their mother's. The kids do understand most of what is going on, and they do play both of us against each other, and this is what is the hardest. At times I think the kids have more control over the divorce now.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by rwm1273 View Post
              But I do keep hoping that either the courts will do something to stop the problems I continue to have with their mother,
              Not likely.

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              • #22
                Probably not, but there is no harm in hoping.

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                • #23
                  As mentioned previously, I opted for agreeing to 50/50. Children need to be loved by both parents. Enough have told me that women are better at raising them and organizing etc. but I think that is a crock. There have been some pretty awful moms I've met since divorced (my X's kids have the worst one yet....that I've met). There are some great examples of bad dads too.
                  BUT, I've also been told many times that kids are not stupid....to which I've also found both examples.
                  So I've seen and learned a lot in the past 5 years - wish I could do some of this marriage and child rearing over again.
                  What has proven the biggest truth to me - is my child really is NOT stupid. Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
                  So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
                  My girl is sick at home right now and cried again last night about going to her dad's Friday night. "He just won't look after me mom".
                  How awful to hear that. I do give her instructions on how to look after herself, and if in doubt to phone me (if you've read before, that won't happen).
                  SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her. It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
                  So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
                  Hope this helps someone out there.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by ConcernenedStepMom78 View Post
                    Okay is it just me or does it seem that everyone leaves it up to their kids to call them? What happened to a parent being a parent and if they want to speak to the kid (s) they call them? A kid wants to know they are wanted and needed in a parents life why is it their responsibility to come to the parent?

                    In my case I don't call my daughter because that would mean having to speak with my ex. Every single time I call I end up talking to him and we argue, or he begs for a second chance. I've tried not to respond, but it isn't easy, so I just don't call. It sucks, but the OCL lawyer was supportive of it.

                    I would think that for others here it may be the same, or that maybe the other parent finds it disruptive. I can understand if that's the case. Even if a call is scheduled for say 6:30, that doesn't mean the regular schedule will be progressing on time. You never know when you may get held up in traffic, or the kids are eating dinner, at sports etc. I think it really is easier for the kids to call.

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                    • #25
                      Skipper,

                      It sounds like your daughter is really mature and knows what she wants and for good reason. If she is really insistent then you could ask the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) to assist her. I would wait until she's seen the psychologist though and find out if her desires to be with you more are supported by him/her.

                      Until then keep trying to engage the dad and be encouraging of both homes. I think your problem lies with the step-mom. If you can get dad to the table and leave her at home you may be able to work together on this. Just remember, it has to be just mom and dad, and no significant others.

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                      • #26
                        billie I understand...I have a horrible ex BUT when I call he lets the kids answer this alleviates him answering and he knows I do not want to communicate via phone unless absolutely necessary, I even Skype and webcam with my boys, they have comps in their rooms so the e doesnt have to see...LOL....BUT webcams are nice this day and age for those that do live far away from their kids. I have had to monitor my kids many a time because my ex works won't hire a sitter and leaves our 13 year old to babysit his 10 and 5 year old brothers for up to 6 hours a day, needless to say the kids need an adult around if if via cam.

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                        • #27
                          Glad you can do thast with your kids stepmom. Mine just turned 4 though, so I have a ways to go before we can try any of that.

                          I'm hoping to get a schedule change though after our OCL disclosure next week. If that doesn't work I'm going to put in a motion to do that. I think my daughter and I can both handle 4-5 days without contact, but a week is too long at her age. As it is I go visit her at daycare on Tuesdays when she is with her dad just to break the 7-day stretch!

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                          • #28
                            Skipper,
                            It is very obvious that you love your child and would do anything for her. But... I find myself questioning if you are really thinking clearly about the situation.

                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            As mentioned previously, I opted for agreeing to 50/50. Children need to be loved by both parents.
                            You did not opt for this. Both parents agreed to this in the best interest of the child. You did not have a choice to opt for it. Your choice was whether to fight for a different arrangement. You chose not to. I think that is a good thing. The reason that I am pointing this out to you isn't just a word play game - it is because from the tone of your posts it seems like you believe that you know best for your child, you make or break the decisions and dad doesn't have the decision power. It would be just as easy for you to say that you and your child's father opted for 50-50 because you both knew that children need to be loved by both parents. Stating it the way that you did makes it a bit adversarial. You aren't working with the other parent for the child.

                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            Her father has bought her everything, but seems to be missing out on everything she wants. To be loved and respected. She really wants to read, go to school and be a great person - to which she now realizes her father does not 'teach' her things.
                            I understand your frustration. We have a very similar problem with my step-kids mom. But... when she comes to you and says that dad buys her a lot of things but doesn't love or respect her - you should be telling her that of course he loves and respects her. If she wants to read, go to school and be a great person, that is wonderful - you have done a fantastic job of teaching her what is important. However if she wants to be a great person part of that "greatness" is accepting other peoples limitations and differences. Part of that is to try to have a real, honest relationship with her father. She will (for the rest of her life) have to try to find common ground with her father and a way for them to get along. Obviously they will not agree on everything, and some stages of her life will be harder than others... but the time may come when your daughter tells you something that she doesn't like about you... that dad does really well. I don't think that you would like it if he took the same approach that you are taking.


                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            So to the dads out there - be a 'parent' and parent your kids. They love guidelines, boundaries, limits, etc. They need to feel that you are behind them even when some things are tough.
                            Again, I feel that you are alienating the other parent. You were saying at the beginning of your email that you know that there is good and bad in both moms and dads - why single out all of the dads?

                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            SO....in the end, 5 years later, is why we are where we are. SHE WANTS to be with the parent that will parent her.
                            Then PARENT her - tell her that she is too young to make that decision and that it has to be up to the adults in her life to work out any problems. All she has to do is be a child and try to make the best family relationships that she can. Tell her that you understand that SHE WANTS to be with you... but that as an adult you know that one of the most important things in the world is the relationship between a child and a parent. If dad doesn't understand what she wants from him, it is really important for her to keep trying to tell him. Next time he takes her out to buy and expensive gift tell her to tell him - no thank you - instead can we go to the library? I want to show you one of my favourite things.... (or whatever non monetary thing she likes) I would doubt very much that he would say no. Then there would instantly be a bridge built between them - based on what she says she needs.


                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            It was NOT my choice and until 6 months ago, total news to me as I just don't speak ill of her dad. She came to this on her own and is just sick of it. Time to make a decision for herself.
                            But it is not "time to make a decision for herself." She is not old enough to make a decision for herself. It may be time for the adults in her life to make a decision for her. That is up to you. She should in no way have to make an adult decision.

                            Originally posted by Skipper3 View Post
                            So there is hope. Keep up the happy face, positive attitude and 'best food forward'. Your kids do actually listen and learn.
                            Yes, I absolutely agree... your kids do learn from you. Your child has learned to value reading and school and "bing a good person" from you and that is wonderful. Maybe it is time to teach her the tools for how to deal with stressful situations, how to problem solve, how to build relationships and deal with people that you don't understand. Help her build a relationship with her dad - Yes, I know that you have stated that he doesn't do the same for you - but your daughter will listen and learn from how you handle the situation. If she sees you being the "bigger" person she will love you all the more. If you help to rebuild the relationship with dad - you have given her the best gift of all.

                            Good Luck

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                            • #29
                              Another awesome post by Lumpy. This person GETS IT!

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                              • #30
                                Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                                Another awesome post by Lumpy. This person GETS IT!
                                I don't think so. I think this mother is making attempts and maybe is not able to express it so explicitly. I think Lumpy is reading between the lines a little bit. I seriously doubt this is a case of PA, maybe just a little more understanding is needed by this mom, and the dad too.

                                Lumpy, that was a little too judgemental. This mom is ASKING for advice and seems willing to listen. I don't think she's doing ANYTHING here to deserve criticism. Maybe her point of view is a little one-sided, but harsh words are not needed here, she's open to opinions!

                                Comment

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