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  • #16
    Again I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

    I'll be clear here, I am not taking this lightly, this isn't a 7 year itch, we are in councilling as am I seperatley. I said I need to make a descision soon in frustration.

    Regarding my daughter, it wrentches my heart to think of her being put through this, but I know if we act like parents should with her best interest in mind she will be fine in the end.

    I explained earlier why I WAS willing to have a second child, it was so my daughter can have a sibling and my wife could have a second child. It may have been stupid but it is what I chose to do. That door is now closed. As for why we were doing insemination, it was for medical reasons, but it is not something I feel is needed to go into here. However it does not affect out non sexual lives.

    Through coucnilling I have come to realize that I have not been assertive with my wife, I frankly let her run the marriage for the most part. Unfortunatley this turned into constant nagging, being her punching bag for frustration and emasculation. To meet me I am not by any means a weak man or timid man. Without consciously realizing this I allowed this most likely from growing up from an overly dominant father and didn't want to repeat what I went through growing up.

    Now I find myself incredibly angry and frustrated with myself and frankly resentfull. Now I can't put all the blame on myself, I did stand up many times, yelled, screamed and punched a few holes in the walls. That was the first 3 years. The last 3 I have stopped being passive and being her punching bag.

    It was at this point 3 years ago I wanted councilling. She didn't. We stopped communicating properly. All our talks turned into nagging, tit for tat, all BS.

    Through all of this there has been guilt, I hate to see her feel bad, not get what she wants, hate saying no, all from a feeling of guilt, and she plays the card well. Even when I know she's using that card it still works on me.

    I'm sounding like a push over, I'm not. I own and run a demanding successful business, guess I just can't run a marriage.

    So today I am starting to ask myself am I staying in this marriage out of guilt of hurting her? I think I am. There is love, it's not the kind that was there at the beggining.

    I'm pretty sure I simply didn't marry the right person for me.

    I forgot to add that I did speak to my doctor and she did assess mean and concluded that I am NOT clinically depressed am I depressed about the situation sure I'm angry and frustrated everything I said above. When I go out to work when I meet with clients I'm fine when I'm with my friends I'm fine yes I get a down about the situation but overall I am definitely not depressed.

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    • #17
      Bottom line....sometimes you're fatally incompatible with the person you married. It happened to me and believe me when I say being divorced is an incredibly wonderful thing sometimes. Getting divorced can be hellish though so try everything else first before you pull the trigger. Make sure you plan by yourself first for what's going to come and then approach your spouse and see if you can work something out with her before getting litigation started.

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      • #18
        Read the gottman books, my experience with therapists was they're useless (my personal experience)

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        • #19
          Originally posted by dooper View Post
          Again I appreciate the feedback and suggestions.

          I'll be clear here, I am not taking this lightly, this isn't a 7 year itch, we are in councilling as am I seperatley. I said I need to make a descision soon in frustration.

          Regarding my daughter, it wrentches my heart to think of her being put through this, but I know if we act like parents should with her best interest in mind she will be fine in the end.

          I explained earlier why I WAS willing to have a second child, it was so my daughter can have a sibling and my wife could have a second child. It may have been stupid but it is what I chose to do. That door is now closed. As for why we were doing insemination, it was for medical reasons, but it is not something I feel is needed to go into here. However it does not affect out non sexual lives.

          Through coucnilling I have come to realize that I have not been assertive with my wife, I frankly let her run the marriage for the most part. Unfortunatley this turned into constant nagging, being her punching bag for frustration and emasculation. To meet me I am not by any means a weak man or timid man. Without consciously realizing this I allowed this most likely from growing up from an overly dominant father and didn't want to repeat what I went through growing up.

          Now I find myself incredibly angry and frustrated with myself and frankly resentfull. Now I can't put all the blame on myself, I did stand up many times, yelled, screamed and punched a few holes in the walls. That was the first 3 years. The last 3 I have stopped being passive and being her punching bag.

          It was at this point 3 years ago I wanted councilling. She didn't. We stopped communicating properly. All our talks turned into nagging, tit for tat, all BS.

          Through all of this there has been guilt, I hate to see her feel bad, not get what she wants, hate saying no, all from a feeling of guilt, and she plays the card well. Even when I know she's using that card it still works on me.

          I'm sounding like a push over, I'm not. I own and run a demanding successful business, guess I just can't run a marriage.

          So today I am starting to ask myself am I staying in this marriage out of guilt of hurting her? I think I am. There is love, it's not the kind that was there at the beggining.

          I'm pretty sure I simply didn't marry the right person for me.

          I forgot to add that I did speak to my doctor and she did assess mean and concluded that I am NOT clinically depressed am I depressed about the situation sure I'm angry and frustrated everything I said above. When I go out to work when I meet with clients I'm fine when I'm with my friends I'm fine yes I get a down about the situation but overall I am definitely not depressed.
          Based on many comments here I'm guessing this could get messy.

          Comment


          • #20
            Four questions:

            1. Is your current marital situation intolerable? If so, is this a long-term problem, as opposed to a short-term one?
            2. Have you tried everything you can to change it, and then tried some more?
            3. Is your spouse resistant to working on the relationship?
            4. Have you educated yourself on what a divorce would mean for your future?

            If you can honestly answer "yes" to all four questions, it's time to pull the pin and take steps to end the marriage. You can't go on in limbo forever.

            It sounds like you understand that it takes two to have a successful marriage, or an unsuccessful one. You and your wife are both responsible. Don't let excessive guilt stand in your way, but don't make her out to be a demon either.

            Read through the various stickied threads on this site for what to do next. You basically have four things to resolve: division of the marital assets and debts (equalization); spousal support (if applicable - it's not an automatic given); child support; and parenting arrangements. If you and your ex can put together a fair and legal agreement covering all of these areas on your own, and then each get independent legal advice from lawyers on the agreement before you sign it, you will save a fortune in lawyers' fees. No matter what you do, however, you're going to end up poorer than you are now. But probably not sadder.

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            • #21
              Thanks for the suggestion on the stickies. I'm viewing this on tapatalk on my phone and had the stickies turned off.
              Great read! And no I haven't taken any offence to any replies, I really do appreciate the candor.

              I was ready to throw the towel in the other week, and by reading my recent posting it may seem like I am ready to, but I am not, and am trying to make this work.

              Also to the poster who suggested I not make her a demon, I am not, in no way am I. She is a great woman, perhaps though not for me.

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              • #22
                Take a deep breath and go with what your gut tells you. Mediation will really help here as opposed to litigation. Litigation pits ppl against each other.

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                • #23
                  Happiness comes from within yourself, not from another person. If you are unhappy now and situationally depressed (which almost everyone experiences at points in their lives) you should focus on yourself.

                  Essentially, WHY are you unhappy and depressed and what can you do about it.

                  Marriages and people change over time. Some years the marriage will be closer than others times when both partners are off doing their own thing more of the time. Marriage should be, in my opinion, about having a place to come home to, to rest and recharge oneself for the rest of life. Marriage isn't life, it's just a place to stand.

                  I am divorced. Generally I am happier because I was also very "stifled" in my marriage to a very dominant and controlling person. For the most part I accepted being the submissive/follower. Yet at the same time I usually don't believe my ex wife divorced for good reasons. We also had problems conceiving and gave up after 2 years with fertility treatments. Speaking from experience, fertility problems very easily lead to the death of all sexual desire with the other person. When sex becomes work and even worse, being hard trained that sex = failure and sadness every month, it's no wonder it becomes a huge problem.

                  Read this forum to understand some of what will await you should you choose to open the divorce pandora's box. In the end you may not have to spend any effort demonizing your former partner, they may do it completely themselves. Understand that in the eyes of your family, society, coworkers, the government and the law, your status will irrevocably change forever. Your financial situation will always be worse than it is now. Friends and family may alienate themselves from you, consciously or unconsciously. Your relationship with your child will change, be more distant. In time the child may resent you or no longer want to see you. Even if things are good, you will see the child far less (even in 50/50) and miss out on day to day events.

                  And always, every week, you will still see your partner. They may hate you, wish you were dead, try to put you in jail, they may take all of your money and leave you destitute perhaps even homeless, but they'll still be there every week staring you in the face.

                  As Louis CK says, marriage is for however long you can hack it. Divorce is forever.

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                  • #24
                    To me it sounds like you are done and trying to stay in the relationship for the wrong reasons. You are unhappy and not helping yourself, your wife or your child. It sounds like you are trying but you are done. I was married 20 years. I wanted a divorce in the first 4 years. We did counselling etc. and managed some happy times in the next 12 years. The last 4 years were like the first four years and I am now divorced (yeah, after 5 years of separation......etc....I am free) and I am so so so so happy to have control over my own life again. Use your therapist to help you work out pros and cons. But from what you write, it sounds like you want our approval to move forward.

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                    • #25
                      Just to update, I'm not looking for approval here. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have decided it's time to move on.
                      I am in the process of finding a lawyer.

                      Unfortunatley I have come to realize that I am not in love with my wife, I am not happy in my marriage.

                      It will be hard / devestating for her when I do tell her my decision. I am not dragging things out unnecessarily, need my ducks in a row first.

                      My main goal is for this to be as amicable of a split. I don't want anything from her financially, just the house which I will pay her fair share. She will be more comfortable in a condo anyway.

                      There is no annomosity towards her, as far as I'm concerened the relationship did not work out. With my therapist and hopefully the family councillor she will move forward with me keeping this transition as peacefull as possible. With only our daughter's best interest at heart.

                      It will be up to her if this is going to turn into a battle or not. All I can do is be straight forward and hold firm.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by dooper View Post
                        It will be up to her if this is going to turn into a battle or not. All I can do is be straight forward and hold firm.
                        There's a lot you can do to try to avoid battle. Be respectful and fair. Don't lay blame on her for the marriage failing. Express that your daughter's adjustment to the change in household situation is your priority. Keep your lawyer under control at all times. Encourage her to keep her lawyer under control too.

                        And, go paranoid. Wear a concealed audio recorder at all times. A disappointingly common retributive tactic for a woman during separation is to accuse the man of domestic violence so he is expelled from the house and not permitted to see the ex or the children.

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by Rioe View Post

                          And, go paranoid. Wear a concealed audio recorder at all times. A disappointingly common retributive tactic for a woman during separation is to accuse the man of domestic violence so he is expelled from the house and not permitted to see the ex or the children.
                          Lovely. I always have my cell in my hand, I can easily hit the record button if she starts anything. Lord have mercy, I hope it doesn't come to that.

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by dooper View Post
                            Lovely. I always have my cell in my hand, I can easily hit the record button if she starts anything. Lord have mercy, I hope it doesn't come to that.
                            Everybody hopes that, but better to have it going and not need it than the alternative.

                            That wouldn't be sufficient. You want her to not know you're recording her so she doesn't censor herself or go after the device, and depending on what's going on, you may not be able to get your cell phone on.

                            Buy a proper recorder and keep it on, hidden in your pocket, any time you are around her.

                            Also a side note. You always have your cell in your hand?? I'd say that might have a role in your marriage breakdown.

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                              Everybody hopes that, but better to have it going and not need it than the alternative.

                              That wouldn't be sufficient. You want her to not know you're recording her so she doesn't censor herself or go after the device, and depending on what's going on, you may not be able to get your cell phone on.

                              Buy a proper recorder and keep it on, hidden in your pocket, any time you are around her.

                              Also a side note. You always have your cell in your hand?? I'd say that might have a role in your marriage breakdown.
                              Thanks for the advice.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                No such thing as amicable divorce. Prepare for the scorched earth. If it turns out better, be happy. But don't hope for that. I did. It took me years to get out of that sh*t I ended up a few days after I separated "amicably".

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