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My wife claimed she was the primary caregiver

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  • My wife claimed she was the primary caregiver

    and she wants my daughter to primarily reside with her as a result of calling herself the primary caregiver. What exactly does primary caregiver mean? We both work, we both do pickup and dropoff, we both take our daughter to extracurricular activities. She does brush my daughter's teeth and put her to bed most nights. I suppose like houseworks, parenting will never be exactly 50/50 and one did more than the other, so does that automatically allow my wife to get sole residency? We will have joint custody though.

  • #2
    primary caregiver is something my X tossed into the ring day 1 here in alta, it means just that - they took care of the childs needs more than you did - so naturally the child should be with them.

    i dont know all the implications but be careful cause my X tried to snag the house - car and $ flinging that term around in the first few months of my freaky ordeal ...

    i made a list of things i did with the children and the hours spent with the children and in my case it was close to 50/50 - on my list i was doing things like :

    - all parent - teacher interviews
    - all trips to the doctor
    - all the childrens school projects, reading, math
    - 50% of baths
    - all good night brush teeth and tuck in's

    i gave it too my lawyer(s) but they never challenged her on it - she just continued to claim the title like a mantra , 3+ years later she was still putting it in affadavits for who ever cared to read ...

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    • #3
      Primary caregiver should only mean a stay-at-home parent. If both parents worked, then who took care of the child? Either a relative or a babysitter/daycare. If both parents worked then there was no primary caregiver. Don't say this to your ex, don't give her ammunition ahead of time, but this is your response in court reply. You absolutely stress this argument.

      She is throwing the term around because she was the mother, it is the first thing out of the mouth of her lawyer on the checklist of questions, "Were you primary caregiver?" "Of course I was." It means nothing. Put together a detailed schedule of care of the children for a period while you were married. Who got the kids up and dressed them and fed them? Who took them to school? Who took the day off when they were sick? Who picked them up after school? Who took them to sports and rec activities? Answer this honestly and build a schedule showing it and use that as your factual argument.

      In the meantime, ignore her, tell your lawyer to ignore this and make what you consider a reasonable offer. Don't get into a lot of back and forth arguing stupid claims like that. Stick to reasonable offers, state a time limit like you need a response within 30 days. Consider mediation but don't waste too much time and money on it if it goes nowhere, however you will get faster response from a judge if you show that you attempted to work it out first.

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      • #4
        That primary caregiver thing is also bothering me. It's kind of clear when both parents work. But what if one work and one stay with kid.

        I mean if one change diapers but another provide them. If one feed baby but another provide food. If one can to stay home but another can not because you need to pay bills and etc.

        Why person who change diaper is primary and one who provide it is secondary? I would like to have some brake from work and stay home with kid for year or a half but I can not do it and not because I do not want.

        From my point of view it's not rocket since to change diapers when you do not have to worry where to get them, how to pay for an apartment, food, etc.

        My OCL report said mother is primary caregiver. How to argue this one? When kid is 2 and since he is 9 month I am fighting to get him back?

        thank you

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        • #5
          Originally posted by WorkingDAD View Post
          That primary caregiver thing is also bothering me. It's kind of clear when both parents work. But what if one work and one stay with kid.

          I mean if one change diapers but another provide them. If one feed baby but another provide food. If one can to stay home but another can not because you need to pay bills and etc.

          Why person who change diaper is primary and one who provide it is secondary? I would like to have some brake from work and stay home with kid for year or a half but I can not do it and not because I do not want.

          From my point of view it's not rocket since to change diapers when you do not have to worry where to get them, how to pay for an apartment, food, etc.

          My OCL report said mother is primary caregiver. How to argue this one? When kid is 2 and since he is 9 month I am fighting to get him back?

          thank you
          The reason for this distinction is that the courts are trying to figure out who was primarily responsible for the day-to-day stuff in the child's life. The courts aren't saying that providing financially is less valuable to the children than what the primary caregiver offers - they are just saying that someone needs to handle the day-to-day stuff with the child, and it's better if that is the parent who usually does so already. It's all status quo stuff.

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