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  • Keep his family name or not?

    I sure am glad to have seen the discussion on wedding jewelry; i am still in the initial stages of separation and never even thought about the rings...i guess especially coz i have not worn them for months...I think melting them to form a new personal memento is not a bad idea...will explore later...LOL.

    What about the FAMILY NAME OR SURNAME...i took his after we got married...and i have been known as such since 12 years ago, including as i moved thru my career...so from a professional perspective, it is preferable for me to keep the status quo. Also, both our kids use this same surname...so status quo for me means less confusion in school, after-school, etc.
    But...what is preferable for me might not be appropriate. Haven't discussed with him yet as trying to focus on major things.
    Any thoughts or inputs on this?
    Please and thanks,
    2bfree2012

  • #2
    I am in the same boat as you....my kids have his name, professionally I am known by his name. However...I am in the process of changing back. Get my own identity back. There is a large percentage of kids in school nowadays without the same name as their moms - the school is not even blinking an eye to this in my case. Just takes an adjustment (and an understanding that you may be called "Ms whatever" for a time to come still.

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    • #3
      I personally think - good for you!! There is no rule and no law and you will be asked if you want your name to be reverted back to your maiden - not told. If you are comfortable keeping the name you are using you have spent the last 12 years "earning the right to keep it" in my humble opinion. As far as the kids go, they will adapt to whatever you chose. Mom will always be mom and dad, dad no matter what the last name shall be.

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      • #4
        I had his name for 35 years but it was hyphened with my maiden name. I just dropped his and order all new ID and now only have mine. Whatever makes you comfortable is all you really have to care about. Many marriages today the bride keeps her name and when the children come along they have the dads last name, so really it's no biggy.

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        • #5
          my last name doesnt make me who I am, I do. I am keeping the last name of my ex because first off its a hassle to change all ID credit cards etc. Second cause its just a name.

          If you want to change it make sure you do it right when you file for divorce. My cousin waited till a little while after the divorce was granted and she had to pay for getting it changed. If she would have done it right at the start it would have been free.

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          • #6
            There is no 'appropriate' or 'inappropriate', you should do whatever feels best for you.

            I've had my married name for 13 years and intend to keep it, it's comfortable and familiar and I'm happy with it. It is also the same as the kids. I do intend to get remarried at which point I'll hyphenate so will share a name with both my children and my new hubby and his kids.

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            • #7
              awesome input from all of you...thanks very much...now i know what to do as far as this is concerned :-)

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              • #8
                Originally posted by 2bFREE2012 View Post
                What about the FAMILY NAME OR SURNAME...i took his after we got married...and i have been known as such since 12 years ago, including as i moved thru my career...so from a professional perspective, it is preferable for me to keep the status quo.
                Names are really not that relevant. Legally you can use any name you want. As you are seperating and divorcing the name can change or stay. The other person you married didn't have a say in your name change and you can change your name legally at any time you want.

                Names are a personal choice. Today, it is puzzling why the tradition of name changing still exists in marriage. Especially considering the divorce rate.

                No one should judge you for changing your name. It is your name. You get to choose your name.

                Originally posted by court View Post
                Also, both our kids use this same surname...so status quo for me means less confusion in school, after-school, etc.
                A parent by any other name is still a parent. By definition a parent is a parent, what name you go by doesn't change that. Your children know you as "mom" and will always know you as "mom". Whatever name you use won't really matter to them because they know your real name: "mom".

                Originally posted by court View Post
                But...what is preferable for me might not be appropriate. Haven't discussed with him yet as trying to focus on major things.
                Any thoughts or inputs on this?
                You can change your name at any time. Nothing is stopping you. If you feel you need to change your name to identify with something else or who you really are it is your choice. You don't need to discuss your name with the other parent.

                The most important thing to BOTH parents in a situation like yours is your real names:

                MOM AND DAD

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

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                • #9
                  stbx asked me a couple weeks back, "so you'll be changing your name..." and I told him I am considering it. But he was concerned I would try to change the kids' name and I told him no - they keep the name they were born with....

                  When I was growing up (divorced parents) the school would call my mom "Mrs G" but everyone else knew her by her maiden name "Miss P"... it didn't really matter....

                  All in all, I will most likely change me name back to my maiden name. In all the years we were together I was never terribly fond of being known as "Mrs B"... but as far as dealings with schools, doctors, whatever where my kids are concerned I will not correct someone if they refer to me as "Mrs B"...

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by cbarker78 View Post
                    stbx asked me a couple weeks back, "so you'll be changing your name..." and I told him I am considering it. But he was concerned I would try to change the kids' name and I told him no - they keep the name they were born with....

                    When I was growing up (divorced parents) the school would call my mom "Mrs G" but everyone else knew her by her maiden name "Miss P"... it didn't really matter....

                    All in all, I will most likely change me name back to my maiden name. In all the years we were together I was never terribly fond of being known as "Mrs B"... but as far as dealings with schools, doctors, whatever where my kids are concerned I will not correct someone if they refer to me as "Mrs B"...
                    Today, in 2012 many professionals and half of society has to deal with separation and divorce. Although you have chosen to not correct people on what you should be called, it shouldn't have to be this way today.

                    Separation and divorce is not a taboo topic in modern society. Government is particularly behind the times unfortunately and sets people to fight over the most stupid things like names.

                    Government by default should recognize both parents at birth for all things regarding the child. The vast majority of government services working with parents haven't caught up to modern society in which children have two parents who are equally involved in their children's lives.

                    Hopefully one day people will recognize the individuality of parents who choose to live separate and apart and accept this fact.

                    Good Luck!
                    Tayken

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                    • #11
                      My son has his father's last name. I was not married to EX so I have had my last name all my life. Lol, I'd love to change it - to almost anything else - but now is not the time to deal with what seems like a frivolous matter - compared to others I have. As much as I'm not overly fond of my last name - had I been married to ex's father - I'd go back to my maiden name. But I find most ppl, just keep their married name as having to change SO many pcs of I.D. seems like a huge pain in the butt.

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                      • #12
                        In Quebec the women retain their mainden name when they marry. It makes things so much easier. It is also very easy for women to go back to their maiden names here, as their b/c remains the same, SIN remains the same. When I took back my maiden name I went to the kiosk here and it's like one stop shopping, everything was done there in no time.

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                        • #13
                          Very logical and damn handy, I'd say. With the divorce rate so high, I'm surprised it's not more common to do it this way.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Lorac View Post
                            In Quebec the women retain their mainden name when they marry. It makes things so much easier. It is also very easy for women to go back to their maiden names here, as their b/c remains the same, SIN remains the same. When I took back my maiden name I went to the kiosk here and it's like one stop shopping, everything was done there in no time.
                            Quebec gets this one right for sure. But, it does it extend to the children's identification with the government? They have the parents covered but, does their birth certificate start from the perspective of the mother or does it start with the "parents"?

                            Parent is a very different term today in 2012. It could mean two males, two females and the traditional male and female relationship.

                            "Responsible Parent(s)" should be identified at birth in my honest opinion. This should be limited to any two people who agree to society to be responsible for the child in question. This doesn't have to be the "biological parents" in my opinion either.

                            These are the two people that society expects to meet (or exceed) the "best interests of the child". This should be established at birth and continue, unless otherwise proven beyond reasonable doubt, that these two people will be expected to equally be involved in the child in question's life. Those two people identifying themselves as the "responsible parents" should have to, just like a marriage contract, take on a contract with society, government and each other and understand what is involved in meeting that child's "best interests".

                            The "best interests of the child" needs to be identified to the "responsible parents" at birth and it should be determined at birth that these people are capable of doing so. If either should fail over the course of the child in question's life to meet those "best interests" then the "responsible parent(s)" status should change.

                            Marriage, divorce, separation, cohabitation, and all the other "stuff" that comes with adult relationships should not impact the child's "best interests".

                            Separation and divorce of the "responsible parents" should not dramatically impact the relationship either responsible parent's -- RESPONSIBILITY -- to the child in question.

                            Trying to determine if either responsible parent is meeting the child's needs (or best interests) after the fact the adult relationship has broken down is too late.

                            Children are our most important asset as a society. Not to sound cheesy but, the children are our future. We as a society need to invest in our future and the children who will come after us. Right now, we don't do a very good job of this as a society.

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

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                            • #15
                              That is a very insightful and progressive idea. I'd vote for that! Our society "assumes" far too much. Serious matters need to be more contractual. Circumstances change all the time - and a more structured approach from the outset would minimize a lot of the (potential) problems that may/do arise down the road. Not all of them.. But a lot of them.

                              BIG typo in my above post! Said if I'd "been married to EX's father" - Meant my SON's Father. What an awful Freudian (sp?) Slip - his father is an obnoxious troll of a man - I don't know which of the two (ex or his dad) is worse. Brrrrr. That gave me a chill
                              Last edited by hadenough; 04-09-2012, 02:37 PM. Reason: noticed big mistake in my previous post

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