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  • split custody

    Hi Everyone,

    I'm new to the forum. I was just wondering if anyone else on here has received a court ruling for split custody.

    I'm the mom of 2 girls (ages 13 and 11). I previously had shared custody with their dad. He moved 2.5 hours away (for work...he landed his first full time job of his adult life. When we were married I was the breadwinner since his income was minimal as he was in the music business).

    He encouraged my 13 year old to attend arts school in Toronto and completed applications with her without telling me. His intention was for her to move and for her younger sister to stay with me. I was against this because of the disruption that it would cause to her relationship with her sister, my relationship with her, as well as the relationship between my younger daughter and her father.

    We received the judge's decision last Friday which ruled in favour of allowing my daughter to "follow her dream". The fall out from this has been massive already. Currently, the order has the girls seeing each other every weekend and requires that my ex and my older daughter spend 10 hours every weekend in on the 401. My daughter will reside with my ex in his one bedroom apartment...she gets the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. He has never looked after either children without the help of his parents.

    Needless to say, I was shocked at this ruling. My lawyer thinks the judge is testing my 13 year old and if she can withstand all the challenges...of being away from her sister and mom, living in a small apartment, spending all weekend on the 401...etc.. However, he was shocked as well. There is very little precedent supporting split custody unless there are exceptional circumstances.

    The next case conference is at the end of November to determine how well she's doing in school (she has to maintain a B average) and how she is doing otherwise. What the judge didn't know, because my ex lied on his affidavit, was that there is no status quo to return to so if she's unhappy things will look quite different. His parents are selling their house and moving so my ex and the girls have nowhere to live if it is decided by the courts that this didn't work. If the girls really miss each other and my older daughter is happy in Toronto, there is the possibility that the judge will decide that actually split custody doesn't work and have her move to Toronto as well (since her sister will be established there). ...and they are taken away from the only stable parent they've ever known. My ex wants to "win" and although he wouldn't be capable of looking after 2 teenage girls he would again rely heavily on his elderly parents to enable this situation.

    Anyway, I feel like very despondent regarding the court system.

    Just wondering if I'm alone or if there is anyone on here that has experienced something similar...

    JED

  • #2
    Originally posted by JED View Post
    I'm new to the forum. I was just wondering if anyone else on here has received a court ruling for split custody.
    An order for split custody is indeed very rare. There may not be people with personal experience on the forum in that matter.

    He encouraged my 13 year old to attend arts school in Toronto and completed applications with her without telling me. His intention was for her to move and for her younger sister to stay with me.
    Why is the arts school a bad idea for your 13 year old?

    I was against this because of the disruption that it would cause to her relationship with her sister, my relationship with her, as well as the relationship between my younger daughter and her father.
    The last concern does not really make sense, but I get the first two.

    We received the judge's decision last Friday which ruled in favour of allowing my daughter to "follow her dream". The fall out from this has been massive already. Currently, the order has the girls seeing each other every weekend and requires that my ex and my older daughter spend 10 hours every weekend in on the 401.
    I thought you were only 2.5 hours away? How is this doubling? IF you are concerned about the older daughter shouldering the brunt of the transportation time, perhaps the younger daughter could go visit alternate times? Then each daughter is only travelling once a month, which is not that terrible.

    My daughter will reside with my ex in his one bedroom apartment...she gets the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch.
    Perhaps he cannot afford better accommodations. He should probably seek an order for some child support from you to help with his costs of raising your daughter.

    There is very little precedent supporting split custody unless there are exceptional circumstances.
    I agree, the judge must have thought that this was an exceptional circumstance. She could have remained in over-two-hours-from-Toronto Nowheresville, or perhaps done something with herself. If her father is a musician, it is not unreasonable to think that your daughter might be artistically inclined, and that such skills could not thrive outside of a major urban centre.

    His parents are selling their house and moving so my ex and the girls have nowhere to live if it is decided by the courts that this didn't work.
    Presumably he will use the child support that you will pay to afford reasonable accommodations.

    ...and they are taken away from the only stable parent they've ever known.
    You said he found a job. Perhaps he is now stable?

    My ex wants to "win"
    It sucks, but he may be winning this.

    and although he wouldn't be capable of looking after 2 teenage girls he would again rely heavily on his elderly parents to enable this situation.
    Watching kids is unskilled labour. Most people can do it. All those inspirational memes about "the toughest job in the world is a parent" are just crap. Teenagers are mostly autonomous, and require even fewer skills. He may not be a great parent, but your kids will be fine.


    Anyway, I feel like very despondent regarding the court system.
    The judge had a tough call. Most judges probably would have upheld the status quo, you got a different judge. It happens.

    Can you possibly move to Toronto yourself? How flexible is your job? If you were able to move to Toronto, you would probably be able to maintain custody of the children...

    Comment


    • #3
      Did you daughter get a say in this through an OCL lawyer or Voice of the Children's report? At 13 I believe they can have a say. I can see too for a 13 year old how fun it would be to live in Toronto. Like the other posters, I would think of it as a wonderful opportunity for your child to try a specialized school. Also should you have "won" in court, you would have had a miserable teenagers on your hands resenting you for not agreeing for her to go. Give it time to see if it works out.

      As for the small apartment, thats par for the course in Toronto. I have 2 kids in a 1 plus Den (cough closet). They have bunk beds and we live a pretty minimist life style. You quickly learn to spend a lot of time outdoors.

      The first time I went to court I was devestated with the outcome, the second time the Judge ruled more in my favour. Its like a crap shoot every time you go. No matter what your sitution I think we all feel despondent with the Court System. I do feel for your family having siblings separated.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for your replies. I really appreciate all of your perspectives. I am making plans to do want I can to satisfy my younger daughters desire to stay in her current school and community as well as support my older daughter’s dream of becoming a pop star. I just think they should be together and I also think they should have the benefit of having both parents in their lives. If that means me moving, I will...and I will just make it work. I just want both my kids to be happy.

        Comment


        • #5
          Ah... I'd sit back and enjoy the ride. This is a temporary arrangement. You know your daughters well. Do you sincerely think the older one is going to enjoy living in squalor with Dad in a 1 bedroom apartment? Girls at that age value privacy.

          Take time for yourself. Be an avid listener. Be as neutral as you can because you can bet that if you spew any negativity on this 'temporary arrangement' it will come back to bite you.

          Unless you don't offer a good stable, secure home I can't see this situation lasting.

          Take some time out for yourself. Focus on the 11 year-old and make plans with her/him for a nice Thanksgiving. 13-year-old wants to be an adult for a while. If she likes the arrangement there is no logical reason why the younger one and you would be forced to move to the city.

          A pop star. Really? How is that working for the father?

          Comment


          • #6
            Ah... I'd sit back and enjoy the ride. This is a temporary arrangement. You know your daughters well. Do you sincerely think the older one is going to enjoy living in squalor with Dad in a 1 bedroom apartment? Girls at that age value privacy.

            Take time for yourself. Be an avid listener. Be as neutral as you can because you can bet that if you spew any negativity on this 'temporary arrangement' it will come back to bite you.

            Unless you don't offer a good stable, secure home I can't see this situation lasting.

            Take some time out for yourself. Focus on the 11 year-old and make plans with her/him for a nice Thanksgiving. 13-year-old wants to be an adult for a while. If she likes the arrangement there is no logical reason why the younger one and you would be forced to move to the city.

            A pop star. Really? How is that working for the father?

            Comment


            • #7
              Oops...looks like I just quoted your message and didn't post a reply, arabian.

              Great advice. I am focusing on being supportive of her decision and making life for my younger daughter as "normal" as possible. She already misses her sister but I am encouraging them to FaceTime as much as possible. Not ideal but better than nothing.

              I have become somewhat more philosophical about the situation with time. This isn't what I thought was best but it is what it is. I would like for my younger daughter to get her wish too and remain in her current school and community but that might have to change if my older daughter decides she wants to remain in Toronto. My job requires that I'm in Ottawa every other week. I could still do that if we share custody and I'm in Toronto but I have little support where I reside now and it's going to be a tough go staying here...keeping my job...and more importantly, looking after my younger daughter.

              Yeah, the pop star thing is a bit of bone of contention... She is talented but her dad struggled for his whole adult life trying to make a go of a music career. I supported him in every way to try to help him make that happen to no avail. He was rarely home so I took on the responsibilities with the kids and worked full time. My income went towards trying to get his music production business "off the ground". It ended up in us losing our house and leaving me to have to declare bankruptcy. So, yeah, I don't wish that on my daughter. I can't imagine why he does...unless he's wanting to try again and live vicariously through her. (not on my "high horse" in saying the above. I take full accountability for the decisions I made to support him and stay in the marriage despite the above)

              JED

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              • #8
                My ex doesn't pay child support, I do. I actually voluntarily gave him more and paid for the mortgage on our matrimonial home until it sold. I also took on all the family debt. This has nothing to do with money. He is a good dad because he loves his girls. That's what matters the most. Be careful not to judge too much, youngdad91. There are good moms out there just as there are great dads.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Effective parenting (clearly displayed by the poster) is about encouraging a child to pursue a rewarding career which leads to self-sufficiency in the future.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by youngdad91 View Post
                    Oh yes, right. offset child support. Of course. He must be one of the rare and lucky 0.05% of all dad's with an offset payable to them.

                    I still wouldn't judge him (and call him dirty) based on his 1 bedroom apartment since his income is so low that he receives child support.

                    I actually really like your attitude towards the matter at hand after you re thought about it. Just thought Arab's post was a little :/
                    I really don't care what you think about my posts. You continue to display an unhealthy bias against women in general; you are not taken seriously by me at least.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Not sure what "offset" child support is. I earn more than him so I pay. I know a number of women who pay child support. It's actually not that unusual. He was in a bad way financially when we split since he was used to me supporting him so I chose to pay more than I had to by law. Also, we couldn't determine how much was equitable since he hadn't declared income tax in 5 years.

                      arabian - Thanks again for your perspective. I actually thought that "effective parenting is about encouraging a child to pursue a rewarding career which leads to self-sufficiency in the future." but apparently the judge thought otherwise. I have always encouraged my daughter in her music and I have told her that regardless if she becomes famous or not, I would wish nothing more than for it to be part of her life. Her dad felt like he "failed" in his career and consequently lost his passion to a certain degree...which is sad. It was not so much his fault as it was due to the fact that music is VERY hard to do as a living. I don't want music to evoke the same feelings of failure in my daughter and I of course want her to have a career where she can support herself.

                      I sincerely appreciate all opinions! Thanks again to you both.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Child is 13, she is a teenager. She wanted to go to that school. If she didn't wanted to move and go to that school, she wouldn't. Kids at this age can partly decide what they want. Nothing you would be able yo change, unless she is willing to.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Yes, this is true. Unfortunately, imo she is not old enough to understand the consequences of her choice (nor do I expect her to). Isn't that our job as adults to guide our kids...? Her sister adamantly doesn't want to move or leave her friends but we will be forced to so I can keep my job. Unfortunately, that's the reality. So, I will have one happy child and one unhappy.

                          Comment

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