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  • Is this a double standard?

    Oh, just typing it out, I know I will have alot of responses...
    Wow, is this process about double standards or what.
    So, when ex has child, they are free to do whatever or have whomever to watch etc the child, I have no right nor should interfere with their access.
    So, what gives them the right to mess with my access with child? I have temp custody of child and now wants to contact my daycare for whatever reason.
    I am willing to give him a report of how well child is doing but can't see what other reasons he needs to contact the provider at this time. He only has 1 day (weekend day) access so there is no need for ex to have to contact provider at this time.
    We are in a high conflict right now because of events that recently happened in court and is now on fire. I dont want to have the provider in the middle of this non sense as she is only doing her job, which is to provide care to the child and I do not want to further jeopordize child's care as child loves and enjoys being there. He is not hurting me, he is hurting our child to further him to get more access to child and fighting me tooth and nail for his elderly parents to watch our child. Help please!
    Last edited by tugofwar; 06-07-2010, 05:19 PM.

  • #2
    I guess on one hand he has a right to know who is caring for his child and the quality of the care but on the other hand, the care provider isn't on his time nor does it affect his time. As well, being the child's mother and the fact that you don't have a history of putting the child at risk or being an unfit parent, the ex trusts you with the child in your care and should trust that you would not leave her with someone risky or unqualified.

    Tough call, I can see a parent wanting to be reassured that their child is in good hands however he should trust your choices of provider as well if you're a good parent.

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    • #3
      Yup, guess it should be like that but it's not. I am willing to give him a report of how she is doing in daycare but am hesitating in giving address etc as i don't know what his intentions are and he's going behind my back to get information instead of just confronting me about it. I would like to have a meeting with him, myself and the provider, if it's information he would like regarding the child, but anything else he has no right to ask the provider and I dont want to put her in that situation!

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      • #4
        Entirely correct that he should be able to ask questions only pertaining to the care of the child, if he is paying some or all of the expenses for chilcare then I guess he'd have a right to ask questions about costs as well however anything beyond that, I would imagine, should be out of bounds. If he has any questions about you at all, those should be asked to you.

        You said he is going behind your back, did he bring it up to you or to the daycare directly and they informed you?

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        • #5
          You can't reasonably withhold who the daycare provider is and where, unless he's a total whackjob. And the court won't believe you, it will want the daycare to stipulate that he may be attending there and causing a disturbance.

          When you get to a final agreement, and you will, it will almost certainly provide that he is to be consulted about these things, even if you have sole custody.

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          • #6
            I believe that as a parent he DOES have the right to contact the day care provider. Why wouldnt he? He would want to know how the child is doing, getting along with other kids, well dressed, fed, healthy etc. Im sorry I dont understand the big deal. The day care provider shouldnt be able to answer any personal questions about the mother because if it is a simple business relationship then day care wouldnt know the info. I dont think it matters if he is paying all or some of the costs either. It is his child. You had the child with him, you expect trust then you need to give it back. What are you going to do when he contacts the doctors? the dentist? the school? He has as much right to that info as you do.
            You have the right to know who watches your child when with the dad too. If you are TRUELY concerned and not just being bitchy then put in your agreement that you both have first right of refusal then both of you have the option to watch the child BEFORE anyone else including day care.

            One little point that bothers me greatly. OP used the words "my access with child"....it is not YOUR access. Access is the childs. The child has a right to see both parents. So many parents say their time and fail to get that is it the childs time.

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            • #7
              Or the other parent could have some level of TRUST that the child is healthy, fed and dressed properly - which he could plainly see for himself when the child is with him. Whether or not the daycare provider KNOWS anything about the parent is irrelevant, people get to know each other fairly well when they see each other every day and often share things about their lives, the ex has no right to question the daycare provider about it.

              Registered daycare providers are OBLIGATED to report concerns about neglect or the child's welfare to the proper authorities so if that's not happening then chances are she's a responsible caring parent . Daycare providers don't have the time and certainly don't get paid enough to sit around entertaining questions from everybody's nosey ex-es about them and it's ridiculous to think that they should. If he has questions about his ex he should ask his ex directly .

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              • #8
                Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                You can't reasonably withhold who the daycare provider is and where, unless he's a total whackjob. And the court won't believe you, it will want the daycare to stipulate that he may be attending there and causing a disturbance.

                When you get to a final agreement, and you will, it will almost certainly provide that he is to be consulted about these things, even if you have sole custody.
                Wow, we agree LOL! Yes, each parent has the right to know where our children are, especially when under the care of a daycare provider. I mean this person has contact which the child for a large part of the day, in fact, through the week, and if a parent works full time, then most likely that person is spending more time with your child than the parent. So there would be a certain amount of influence and up bringing, why wouldn't you (the parent) want the other to know?

                The mention of Whack Job! I would support that theory, IF proven of course, other than that I would be suspect of any parent not providing info of a child's whereabouts.

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                • #9
                  I understand where everyone is coming from, but time and time again I am told that what he does or who watches her with she's with him is non of my business.
                  I provided ex with the agency name at the beginning of this year and just now is asking about it? Why, because he has to pay? He has gone behind my back in stopping a family member already from watching our child so his parents can.
                  He contacted the agency to get more information but at the time when I signed her up I didn't include him. He didn't care who was watching our child before until he found out he has to pay for daycare.
                  The provider doesn't want to get involved. She is there to provide for the child and is doing an amazing job. He does have the right to know how she is doing, I will get him a report and until he CALMS down, I don't feel comfortable right now giving the address to him right now and now my provider is also worried and doesn't want to get in the middle of it.
                  I don't know what his intentions are right now. I am alittle concerned about what he is trying to do right now.
                  When things cool down, I will want to have a sit down with me, him and the provider. As long as he asks questions regarding the child to the provider is fine. But him trying to talk to her regarding costs etc, he should be going thru the agency. The reason I chose this agency because it's an extremely high reputation, i was able to get official tax receipts to show him the actual costs. They do monthly reports and visits to the house to ensure the child is getting proper care. They inspect things at the house and with the provider.

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                  • #10
                    I don't know your history so I won't get into it but I will say that if he is a good and caring parent, there is nothing wrong with him knowing how the child is doing by contacting the daycare. It doesn't hurt anyone. If your family was babysitting the kids then it is a different story but when it comes to school, daycare, sports activities etc, it is logical for both parents to be involved and informed, because they care for their child.

                    A report on how the child is doing is nice but maybe it makes him feel better when the caretaker IN DAYCARE NOT A NANNY tell him how his child is doing. But you know your situation best.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                      I understand where everyone is coming from, but time and time again I am told that what he does or who watches her with she's with him is non of my business.
                      Two wrongs don't make a right. He is wrong to not divulge that information. So are you.

                      Originally posted by tugofwar View Post
                      The provider doesn't want to get involved...I don't feel comfortable right now giving the address to him right now and now my provider is also worried and doesn't want to get in the middle of it.
                      The provider does not have to get involved in your custody dispute. If the father gets out of line, they can tell him he's not welcome on the premises - end of story. But for you to withhold this information makes you look unreasonable, unless he's a total whackjob.

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                      • #12
                        Well, right now he is acting like that! I know he has the right to information about the child, he has the right to meet the provider but I have doubts he has actual questions regarding the care she provides.
                        Like I mentioned before, he doesn't have access to go there right now, the only way is if I am there and introduce them to each other.
                        So, is it wrong of me to ask him to meet me somewhere close to providers house, schedule a time when it's convienent for all of us to get together and talk? As long as he asks questions about our child and the care that she provides there shouldn't be any issues. I dont want our child present during this time either right now. I don't want the provider having to feel threatened or feel she has to take further actions like calling the police if he shows up there.
                        He can't just show up there.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                          You said he is going behind your back, did he bring it up to you or to the daycare directly and they informed you?
                          I gave him the website of the agency way back beginning of the year after he just emailed me and said you didnt tell me she was in daycare. I emailed him back gave him the website of the agency and stated if he wanted more information he could ask me. Well, he didn't.
                          He did nothing with it until lastweek. Didn't contact me to ask details, made appointment with agency at which time they couldn't release any information because i did not include his name or other information.
                          It was only because I got a hold of the agency did I find out he did this. Now sent me email asking info on provider.
                          I am going to and I know have no other option, I didn't do this to purposely to withhold information. But he didn't take the inititive to learn more about her care or ask me any questions about it and didn't ask questions about the agency, costs, type of child care etc but rather strange questions even the agency personal thought was weird.
                          Of course he's mad because he wasn't able to get information so now all hell has broken loose. We can't effectively communicate, still wants to discuss other matters during pick up and drop offs.
                          Last edited by tugofwar; 06-07-2010, 09:46 PM.

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                          • #14
                            I don't think what you're feeling is wrong but really, it isn't up to you to police him and his contact with other people. I understand it's upsetting - things typically are when we have no control over it, it's normal to feel that way but....you just have to get used to it. Even if you go with him to meet her the firs time, there is nothing stopping him from getting in touch with her in the future to ask whatever he didn't ask in front of you.

                            He may want to keep in touch with her to get updates regularly and I don't know that she would want to be spending the time to go back and forth with you to get the ok every time, it's time consuming and stressfull for her too.

                            Perhaps the best thing is for you to be the bigger person, stand back and let him meet her on his own and see how great she is. I am sure the caregiver is quite capable of answering any questions about the child and keeping the conversation steered that way and ending the conversation if it gets uncomfortable.

                            At some point, one of you has to take the lead to stop treating each other like the enemy.
                            Last edited by blinkandimgone; 06-07-2010, 09:51 PM. Reason: the voices told me to...

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                            • #15
                              Sounds like quite the power trip to me. You trust this "reputable company" to watch your child day after day YET you dont have confidence that they will act in a professional manner when it comes to your ex. Do you think you are the first divorced parents they have dealt with? Your ex has every right to meet them WITHOUT you. Do you meet with the daycare people without him? Why should you have more rights then him? He is your EX, he doesnt answer to you. The people watching yours AND HIS child does have to answer to him. Is it really that big of a deal? Or to put it another way,does your ex meeting with the babysitter effect the child? The child is not witnessing anything. Why do you doubt his questions? Does he not have the same right to question the provider YOU picked?

                              Comment

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