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Kids won't reply to me... is it them or their Mother?

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  • #16
    Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
    Exactly. Then the parent who tells them they cannot take the toy or whatever to the other parents home becomes the "bad parent' in the kids eyes. Kids cannot understand why they cannot take the stuff if its a gift to them or something they perceive belongs to them. They don't care what parent bought it, all the know is they like it and want access to it when at either home.
    Then I'll wait and see with the kids what they wish to do and I'll compromise as best to suite them. In the other hand, I know their mother wont change and will inherit the title of "bad parent" by default. I don't really care as my wish is to get my children to see the true colour and realise that I'm still the same caring and loving father I use to be, whatever they've been told recently with the situation.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by mafia007 View Post
      Then I'll wait and see with the kids what they wish to do and I'll compromise as best to suite them. In the other hand, I know their mother wont change and will inherit the title of "bad parent" by default. I don't really care as my wish is to get my children to see the true colour and realise that I'm still the same caring and loving father I use to be, whatever they've been told recently with the situation.
      now you have the right idea.

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      • #18
        I don't think its interfering to send an email to the kids. When your kids live with the other parent more than 60% of the time you're hard pressed to be "interfering" by sending them an email or a text every other day or every few days. My partner had an extremely difficult time with his ex interfering in his time. His kids would spend one weekend every few months with him or he would spend about four to six hours with them in their city every few months. During each of these visits his ex would be calling or texting them repeatedly. What parent needs to speak to their teenage child five to six times in the span of 6-8 hours when they're with their father? One who feels it necessary to control the relationship. On the other hand he would send them emails or text messages every third to fifth night basically saying good night and I love you and get no answer for days on end. Theres a difference between casual conversation and repeated interference.

        Until you get into a regular schedule with your kids you're going to run into this silence from them because their mother is controlling their interactions with you.

        As for the belongings...two of them are teens. They are responsible enough to decide what goes or stays. If its clothes you're worried about then let them wear whats your house at your house and they can go home in the clothes they came in.

        You're overthinking it. Get through the motion for access then worry about the rest as it comes along.

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        • #19
          Teens would have a hard time separating their belongings into 2 piles. One for Dad's and 1 for Mom's.

          It would only add to the stress. Just suggest when they come to your house they bring stuff they are going to need and when they leave let them take what they want. Eventually they will be relaxed and see that they have a home with love and acceptance at your house. They will have their own rooms and they will come,and go as they see fit.

          Do not overthink or over plan it.

          Make it a natural transition. A new fresh start and their choice.

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          • #20
            Thanks to all of you for your input and advice.

            All I want is the kids to feel that they are not only at the other place but HOME.

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            • #21
              So let them feel no pressure, no pushing. Just a place where Dad is and calls home and they can be themselves. As you said Mom will make hers a place of all about Mom but you need to make your home all about them. Accept them, let them make decisions regarding what they need.

              I would think the first time they would likely come with just some clothes for the time they are there, but as they realize you are cool with their decisions and letting things go back and forth as they need they will likely start bringing more and leaving more.

              As long as when they come they bring the fun and laughter of being with you and when they leave they leave knowing you are there for them unconditionally and you have the echoes of their happy times in their home with you then that's what matters. Not half of everything they own.

              Concentrate on them the people.

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              • #22
                I tell my kids they can take whatever they want wherever thyey want, there are so many other real problems to worry about that IDC if they a 10$ pair of pants or a toy back and forth, the divorce cost $100,000 and I pay her so much money every month everything else like this is small potatoes...

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                • #23
                  Funny... no I should say " strange ".

                  After I saw and talked to the kids yesterday, I send a new text message to them to let them know that I was happy to see them and couldn't wait to see them next Thursday for our first visit. Once again, no response.

                  I remember my gf asking the children if they were anxious to come back at home after so many months and if they were happy about it. My S15 was speechless and D13 murmured she didn't know. Looks like they are always worried of what to say as if they were being watched or heard. D8 had lots to say. She's excited to see our little T-cup chiwawa and going back in the hot tub. No matter what, I can tell, she's the one who will always stand up and express what she really feels.

                  I know I'll have to be patient but I need my kids, S15 and D13 to accept and realize that things has changed and they will now spend time with their father in another home than the one they are still living with their mother. If we can run into a real schedule, where they can sleep, eat, take a shower, a bath, play games, do their homework, watch TV, play with friends... maybe it would be easier to settle.

                  The system makes it so slow and hard to reach 50/50, no wonder the children are a little reluctant to change.

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                  • #24
                    Now that I'm starting to see my kids, they reply and communicate by text messages when they're not at home with their mother. D13 had several sleepovers during the March Break and every time she was with her friends, she would text me some messages. Very brief little messages but this is all I need for the moment. :-)

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                    • #25
                      Happy to hear things are going well!

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                      • #26
                        Hi M007,

                        I have been through what your going through. If you love your children they will know, and I you can never lose them.

                        I had to change cities, jobs, and abandon gf and business to pursue them, but now all 4 of my children have chosen to live with me.

                        Don't give up, and always show them you love them. They will respond. It just takes time.

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