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Child custody and possible tactic...need opinions please!

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  • #16
    ILA just means Independent Legal Advice - it helps strengthen any agreements you make.

    What are the large assets she is omitting from her financial statements?

    Hmm, she is asking for sole custody, that sucks because it means a tough battle (though it may not be because you have not let go of your kids in any way), and it also means she will probably be a pain in the ass for the rest of the years raising the kids.

    Dividing by 2 should be easy, and so should be agreeing to and implementing 50/50. People make it so hard, its too bad the court system takes so much time and effort to enforce reason.

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    • #17
      Since overwhelming response is sit tight don't do anything rash and wait until case conference in December.

      Are there any opinions / suggestions / approaches at case conference to deal with living arrangements without me giving up custody, access and matrimonial home rights?

      Understanding that she has the run of the house while I live and parent in the basement so she is highly unlikely to agree to anything on consent unless it involves me leaving and the kids staying in the matrimonial home with her.

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      • #18
        AT Case Conference nothing can be ordered unless you both agree to it. However, once CC is finished you can bring a motion to have issues decided upon on a temporary basis.
        I think it was Mess or NBDad that suggested a great idea a couple months ago. Whatever the other side offers you, offer them straight back. For example if they offer you 70% time and primary for them and 30% for you, counter with 30% for them with 70% and primary for you.

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        • #19
          I am wondering what you wrote in your Case Conference documents exactly? your issues? as you should have already filled out documents of issues all issues to be dealt with.
          Living arrangements, I assume you are referring to "access"? how can you be so sure your ex will get "full custody"? The Family Court leans towards "joint custody, 50/50.

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          • #20
            I see - CC and then bring a motion to deal with issues on a temporary basis. I'm sure that means more waiting for motion date, legal fees, etc. Like the idea of offering back the same as they offer.

            Case conference isn't until December so we haven't written the brief yet so issues are in my application (I am the applicant). Yes living arrangements refers to access but also her and I not being in the house together (reduce opportunities for her to call the police to have me wrongfully removed - two attempts to date).

            Not sure she will get full custody just everything I hear seems to imply such, hence I haven't left the house to worsen my case and endured so much over the last 8 months. Really? Family court leans toward "joint custody, 50 / 50". I always thought the gender bias favouring woman and fathers generally having to prove they are capable, hence my daily log of everything I do with them. Considering we still live in the home together and have documented (not in a legal agreement) but in lawyer letters that we have a 2 - 2 - 5 schedule - is it likely that at CC judge can resolve this to continue as status quo and give one of us the option to move out?

            Really what I want is simply - BOTH parents to be financially stable for the benefit of the girls, BOTH parents to have maximum time. It's not their fault that we're in this mess but her anger is not letting her see these things. Sorry just a rant now -

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              My STBX and I separated in Jan and have been living in the same matrimonial home since (me living and trying to parent my 2 girls in the basement).
              Is there a lock on the basement door? If not have your lawyer advising the other party to remove their belongings from the basement by a specific date and at which time you will be putting a lock in the basement door so you can retain your parental and personal privacy and not be harassed by the other parent. If you feel unsafe due to the conduct of the other parent while in the matrimonial home.

              Also, have your lawyer identify back in the correspondence that in light of the false allegations (are they of abuse/parental miss conduct/etc?) that they are surprised that the other parent has not put a lock on their door to insure their own privacy and protection in light of the allegations being made against you (their client).

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              We have exchanged many lawyer letters over the last 8 months and they have essentially ignored, lied and or cheated throughout.
              These letters are completely wasteful. The tactic is to "burn you down" with piles of letters and lawyer billings. Especially if they are full of irrelevant materials and hearsay.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              She continues to not disclosure many assets that I am aware of, refuses to address custody and has stolen all the jewelry from the home and our safety deposit box.
              This will be dealt with at equalization. Your first order of business is custody and access as it will be the court's first order of business. The second order of business, once there are two residences is child support.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              They have essentially tried everything to get me out of the house rather then trying to resolve “amicably” as they keep stating.
              Well, they haven't tried to have you arrested on false allegations... yet. Something to keep in mind.

              They can state how wonderful all they want. This is a common behaviour pattern of a negative advocate solicitor to try and paint you and make you feel like the "all bad" parent. Eddy 101 stuff (William Eddy). So this is a "clear as glass" tactic. Paint the other parent as "all bad" while painting their client as "all good".

              Note: Judges are not stupid and when these letters get attached by your lawyer to an affidavit it will all come crashing down on them.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              It's terrible living condition - her family is large and supporting her in many ways and brother is a lawyer writing all her materials behind the scenes.
              Who cares about her family? Her brother being a lawyer working behind the scenes. You are an intelligent person of reasonable mind. Keep yourself together and let them throw all the stupidity they want and just keep detailed records of it all. To the minute is the best way to log the incidents.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              They have tried to guilt me to leave the home, made false accusations, tried to burden me with many additional responsibilities - cleaning schedules, laundry schedules, etc. But I have overcome these and continue to remain in the home with my girls.
              So, they by their own admission are demonstrating that you are an equal parent. Just do what needs to get done. Controlling people and their negative advocate solicitors often send this kind of junk and a judge will have a field day with the stupidity if it comes to that. You are under no obligation to be told what to do. Do what is in your children's "best interests" and always keep that in mind.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              We have an informal 2 - 2 - 5 schedule with the kids but since we live in the same home she interfers at every opportunity on my nights. Everyone has told me not to leave the home without a court order or signed agreement - but life is so miserable there that after 8 months I don't know how much more I can endure until the December case conference.
              Well, then make an offer to settle in accordance with Rule 18 of the Family Law Rules. A real offer to settle based on 50-50 access full joint custody with a 2-2-5-5 and that the jurisdiction where the children habitually reside is not to change.

              Stop with the letters and respond with offers to settle written in accordance with the rules and served in accordance with the rules. Set *DEADLINES* by which the offer expires. For example, 1 minute prior to start of the Case Conference and explicitly state that in accordance with the Rules the offer to settle will be used to determine costs.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              So my main support has been a female friend of over 23 years and because we’ve been so close we have developed a relationship and life is actually a little more bearable. My kids have known her and her two children since birth – so being around them is the norm although they don’t know anything other then we are friends.
              Not the best idea. If you want a highly conflicted litigant and their negative advocate solicitors to make your life worse... This is exactly the best way to do it and make matters even worse for yourself. Not for the fact that there is any repercussion from the courts but, the increase in "emotional reasoning" hearsay and allegations will ONLY increase if found out.

              Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
              So here is what I need opinion on... because Ex would never agree. Thoughts please on approach – it would go along way for my sanity!
              Make an offer to settle. You have counsel and should be able to easily put one together. Exchanges at daycare, 2-2-5-5 (continuance of existing agreement), CS to be paid on Offset amount, habitual jurisdiction to not change without consent, full joint custody, communications through Our Family Wizard and finally, neither parent is to go to the other parent's house without written consent.

              Good Luck!
              Tayken
              Last edited by Tayken; 08-31-2012, 03:17 PM.

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              • #22
                Tayken thank you for the thorough and detailed dissection and reply. So much so that I will have to go thru in detail and will surely be coming back to you for clarification on many points! Again thank you.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                  Tayken thank you for the thorough and detailed dissection and reply. So much so that I will have to go thru in detail and will surely be coming back to you for clarification on many points! Again thank you.
                  Feel free to private message me if necessary to insure your private details are not exposed and found by the other party to the litigation.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                    In the order I would want our 50 / 50 schedule maintained if one party can leave or alternatively a nesting agreement where the kids stay in the house and we leave when it's not our nights.
                    I don't recommend this. Extra expensive to basically have three homes between the two of you, and if you get along this poorly, it won't be much fun taking turns living in the same house.

                    Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                    Billm - thank you too - agree on priorities. You mention ILA - what is that?
                    Independent Legal Advice.

                    Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                    In regards to your questions I want 50 / 50 (kids have only known having two active / involved parents always) she wants sole (claiming primary care giver, I never did anything, painting me to be just short of Charles Manson)
                    Haha, she's giving you schedules for what household stuff should be done when, and then claiming you haven't done anything? Her own schedule is going to bite her at the case conference. Make sure you put nice big checkmarks on it whenever you finish something!

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                    • #25
                      Well technically there wouldn't be three homes - I would just stay with friends or family to avoid another rent in addition to keeping up with matrimonial home expenses. Trust me taking turns in the house can't possibly be worse for me at least- I would no longer be the basement troll trying to parent and have quality time with the kids.

                      Well I stopped following the schedules based upon advice from various people - essentially a tactic on their part to burden me and have a nervous breakdown. So I do what needs to be done but on my own schedule. When you say that her own schedule is going to bite her at the case conference - what did you mean?

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Dee1973 View Post
                        When you say that her own schedule is going to bite her at the case conference - what did you mean?
                        She will claim that she is primary caregiver and you contribute little or nothing. The schedule she draws up is proof, coming from her, that she knows this to be false. It portrays her as a liar, it proves you are an active caregiver to the family.

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                        • #27
                          Thanks Mess that makes complete sense - as I've done away with her doctoral schedules I still have the original emails and my daily log to counter the primary care giver argument.

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                          • #28
                            Po-dath - start your own thread

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